How to deal with outdated anger and put the past behind?

I went through some similar actions in my own growing up family. It helped me to have a relationship with GOD, who helps us learn to forgive. I also have, for most of my adult life, had the belief that MOST human beings are doing the best they can do at the moment, given their own life experiences. I do not believe that most of us get up in the morning and concretely say to ourselves that we are going out into the world today, to make decisions that ruin other people's lives. We all come into new relationships with lots of baggage from other relationships over the years. We learn how to act in a marriage and in parenthood, mostly based on what we saw and experienced in our own childhood homes. We do not get an official education in relationships and parenthood etc. I learned that somewhere in the Bible it does teach that sinful acts in families are repeated down through three generations and I think, just because of this way we 'learn' how to act and be. IF we see the problem in front of our faces, we need to take the bull by the horns and do what we can do to break the cycle by going through the forgiveness....letting it go...and then role modeling differently to those who come after us! As another said here, the cultural history is important....as far as female roles, lack of education and the views on divorce. Women just were not able to take the same actions back then as they have been able to do in our adulthood years. So, the key is forgiveness, understanding and learning to Get Over It, as the Eagles old song goes. No, you don't forget. Yes, you can look at your upbringing and family and try to understand...but in the end...it is YOU who must do the changing for the good of all those who come after you. Break that cycle. It is what is is....nothing will change what happened. you can only change how you continue to react to it.

Today is Mothers Day. In honor of the occassion I decided to finally read this thread. Regarding my mother - I've been trying to "get over it" for quite some time now - thought maybe I'd find the magic solution here. Nope. There is another current thread regarding Mothers Day. That thread says instead of dwelling on the negitive think about...X, Y and Z and gives a list of typical Hallmark moments - the band-aid, learning to sew, etc. I decided not to post there cause I didn't want to rain on anyone's parade. See, the thing is - of the given list, and yes, I realize they are just suggested examples - I do not have a good memory of a single one - not one! So now when things are beyond difficult, dealing with my demented mother, I struggle to find a single memory of a loving moment to draw upon. I realize there must be some, has to be, right? What I can remember is a self-absorbed, mean, manipulative mother who started throwing me under the bus when I was around four years old - that's when my memories start. Over 50 years nothing has changed except for her to become even meaner and more self-absorbed - the manipulations are more transparent as dementia has seriously impacted her skill at it. Mom cant see she's lost her edge in this - or any - area but just keeps trying. This past October mom said some things to me that were beyond cruel. The dementia again, I suspect - keeping her from realizing she was going to far. And yes, I realize the dementia is partially to blame - but since this isn't really new behavior for my mom, she doesn't get to use that as her hall pass. Whether it was this new level of cruelty, maybe it was five years of looking after her, maybe it was my own mood that day - but this time it was different. It was like some one had thrown a bucket of water on me in slow motion. As I felt the water slowly trickle down me, it was literally followed by a tingling sensation sealing off every receptor I had in regards to my mother. I think she finally managed to kill any love, caring and concern I had for her. So now as I prepare to go visit my mother on Mothers Day, I feel nothing. Its like I'm going to visit a stranger - a person I've been assigned to visit on this day as a good deed. Other times when I visit - I still go once or twice a week - she will be asleep, these are my favorite visits, cause I can pretend she's a lovely, frail, old lady capable of caring for me. I'll look at her and wish things could have been different. I wish I could "get over it" and forgive her. But I can't. "Happy Mothers Day!

You either have to let the past go, or it will eat you alive! Having her constantly in your house is a constant reminder, and your constant bickering will probably eventually drive a wedge between you and your husband. Find a way to get her out of your house so you and your husband have a chance at happiness. Your husband's "gritting his teeth" for what is going on in your house will probably cause him health issues. Death is a real possibility. Do something about this situation ASAP or you might not outlive your mother.

I notice with my 89 yr old aunt that she returns over and over again to the story of how her dad abused her mother. This abuse had a profound affect on my aunts life. The thing I would comment on is that the problem doesn't go away no matter what your age or if the other parties are alive or dead. It's like another addiction to the thoughts and feelings and memories that you nurse to keep them alive. They are familiar and almost a comfort to you because you've gone to them to seemingly survive when in reality these thoughts are toxic. So my point is keep working on it. Don't give up. It's worth it. You are worth it. Happy Mothers Day to you and your mom. A big hug for you and your mom and your husband.

Joann29 makes excellent points about the difference in marriages between our parents' and our times. The lack of a college education or work training, the freedom and confidence to be self sufficient through a career and job make such a difference that it's hard for us to comprehend.

Women of our parents' ages just didn't have choices that we do. They didn't have the mass media, probably didn't have support groups or even knowledge by tv doctors and tv therapists advising what "should" be a normal relationship.

Even if they did go to college, their options were limited.

So they learned to compromise and adapt to situations that many of us would not tolerate.

Segue your feelings toward your mother toward sympathy; imagine how trapped she must have felt and be more kind to her in her old age; she's probably had a rough life. You have no idea how she really felt, or what she might have done to protect her children from your father.

When the subjects get thorny, change them to something more pleasant. And remember that your mother's in her last years; you don't want to be plagued with regret and recrimination after she's gone because you couldn't get past the issues that are troubling for you now.

My mother was a totally nasty piece of work and treated me and my late father horribly. We spent a lifetime bowing, scraping, bending over backwards to please her and treading on eggshells. Growing up in these situations it's the norm as you don't know any different. When she passed last fall, alone as she had no friends, I felt nothing more than a huge sense of relief.

In looking back I see that she came from a totally dysfunctional family and was probably mentally ill life long. Back in the day mental illness wasn't even considered. It's like PTSD ... you never get over it but you learn to come to terms with it to whatever degree you can.

After she passed a lifetime of anger, resentment and hurtful memories that had been locked away inside came flooding back and I spent the winter quietly at home with my beloved dogs and country peace and quiet. .I still get the odd flashback but I'm feeling more at peace now. Spring is certainly helping, with an acre to care for, working outside planting veggies and now 25 baby chickens to care for.

So many here have been damaged by lifetime experiences, along with a lot of others in the population, and I don't think it ever goes away. All you can do is learn to come to terms with it. It just takes time. You are not alone.

Our parents come from a different time. They went thru a depression and a war. Few women went to College. Women were brought up to marry and take care of husband, who was no. 1, and children. There was no, I need time to myself. They were what there husbands wanted them to be. Divorce was not an option for most because these women may never have held down jobs. You cannot compare their lives to how we live now. Your Mom did her best for that time. You need to let it go. You need to not bring up the past. Your Mom has apologized, in her way. I agree you may overthink everything. I do the same thing. What happened cannot be changed. You will never forget because something will happen and it will bring it all back. You need to forgive. You need to drop the subject. If she brings it up, tell her you understand and forgive her and that the subject is not going to be mentioned again. Maybe you need to find a group who discusses abuse. You may find out why the abused take it and see it from your Moms viewpoint. Therapy will do u no good if you can't let go. Money down the drain.

Some great advice here.

The only bit I can add is: you can't fight a negative thought. The more you fight it, the more you feed it, and the stronger it becomes. All you can do is replace it.

When you find yourself thinking something negative, train your mind to break away and think of something positive. That, I believe, is the meaning of "resist not evil" (from the Sermon on the Mount). In the material world, we must resist evil. But in the world of the mind, we can't resist evil. We must replace evil.

You might use something that can cue you to think of something positive, for example, a bracelet or picture. And you might predetermine what your positive thought oasis is, be it a mental picture, a peaceful scene, music, etc.

Try Codependents Anonymous rather than Alanon. If there are no meetings near you, there's a CoDA online presence. Good luck.

I've had to deal with a rough childhood. I hated my father for what he did to me and my mother. I hated my mother for allowing this behavior to continue. I refused to forgive them for a long time. I didnt feel forgiveness in my heart. I had to learn that forgiveness is not a feeling. FORGIVENESS IS A DECISION. thats when i finally said to myself, "I forgive you." Saying that allowed me to let go of my anger and receive healing in my heart.
FORGIVING DOES NOT MEAN FORGETTING either. That just doesn't happen. But forgiveness allowed me to replace bad memories with good ones i thought I'd forgotten.
Forgiveness also doesnt mean we have to go back to things the way we were but to set boundaries where needed.
The most important thing is just to say the words of forgiveness to yourself. You dont have to share them with your mother until you are ready.
Good luck, God bless and I'll pray for you.

I recommend a wonderful book, I Thought We'd Never Speak Again, by Laura Davis, who is also co-author of the book, Courage to Heal. It was the best book that I have ever read on dealing with such relationships and the topic of forgiveness (and it is not what most people think it is). I've been through similar situation with my own 80-y/o mother who had a brain aneurysm 25 years ago and has various disabilities and dementia resulting from this. My "father" was abusive to her and to me and my three younger siblings our entire lives. Finally, at the age of 70, she left him, after an argument in their kitchen when he accused my mother of having affair with his best friend and emphatically believed (now I believe he had dementia and psychiatric problems), that my brother and I were not his biological children!! We insisted on DNA testing, and low and behold, I found out that he was not, in fact, MY biological father (he was the biological father of my three brothers!). Apparently, my mother had a relationship with someone before she married the "father" who raised me, and they kept this secret for 51 years!! The "father" who raised me was an alcoholic, physically abusive, and sexually abusive! How did I deal with this: When I was 14, I told my mother what was happening, and he was arrested and court ordered at that time to counseling. My mother separated from him for a period of time, but then went back to him. My brothers and I begged her not to go back. My brothers and I suffered by her decision to return to him and continue living in a dysfunctional home. He made efforts to change, but he was still a very angry man who was unable to have a healthy relationship with anyone in his family (even extended family). After my mother suffered her brain aneurysm, he seemed to get better; devoted his time to caring for her; and I thought things had improved. His health was poor; but both of them refused any sort of help from professionals. They lived 3 hours away from my brothers and me, and finally, they moved closer so we could help take care of them. Then, when they were 70, they had this huge argument that resulted in my mother leaving him. She lived with me initially; then we got her settled in a senior apartment complex; then I moved, and she moved into my basement apartment and started attending an adult day program (I work full time). Meanwhile, my brother cared for his father for three more years until our mother ended up divorcing him, and he ended up in a nursing home and died in 2010 after having a stroke and heart problems. I did have communication with the "father" who raised me after my mother left him, and somehow, we gained some closure and peace with each other. My parents could have made other choices in their lives, and I have worked constantly to forgive both of them. I am grateful to know that the "father" who raised me is NOT my biological father, because there is no genetic hx of his "sins" passing to my two wonderful sons. My sons are also grateful that he is not their biological grandfather. It is hard for me at times because there were some positive traits this "father" who raised me had, and I am grateful for the good times we did have, but the painful story of our lives is still there. By the grace of God, I survived (and thrived) despite the abuse. I have worked hard to overcome the dysfunctional family that I was born to. BTW, I found the identity of my birth father through I contacted him but his wife was so upset by my call that he asked me not to contact him anymore. He wrote me an email afterward, and I have to accept this. It was interesting because his son had recently died, and his ashes arrived on the day that I called him. He has another son, and a daughter, who I have chosen not to contact at this time. Life throws us curve balls, and we either dodge them, or catch them and deal with it the best we can. Ultimately, the goal is to find peace.

I was angry with my mother as she lived with me for over ten years...I was bitter, angry, resentful and I didnt like her. After she got to the point she could not be left alone anymore, I placed her in an assisted living memory care/personal care home. It helped me regain my love and emparhy toward her and gave me a new sense of purpose toward her and a few others I seem to have adopted there now. I feel much better.

Yes, Forgiveness is important but not easy. If you are dealing with PTSD issues I recommend a therapy called EMDR. I happened upon it in my search for a therapist and am glad I did. It helped me get out of my own way. Take your power back and remember everyone is on their own journey. I know cliche, but true.

I live with my 91 year old Mother who is sweet but lives in la-la land, partly for letting her husband, my father, be disrespectful and mean for as long as I can remember.. She could not stop him. No one could. She did at times try to stand up to him and protect us, but she could not. This father set my sister and myself up for the patterns of being abused by men most of our lives. When I finally stood up to my bullying husband he filed for divorce, married another patsy and broke my children's hearts.

Your Mother did the best she could. The only way I have found to deal with all of this and find peace is first, admit and face the hurt, pain, disrespect, abuse and total injustice of the whole situation. Your mother was wrong or too weak or whatever to stand up to him, and he was the way he was and no one could change him. Somehow when my father died, I was able to forgive more completely and found peace.

TO FIND PEACE YOU MUST FORGIVE TOTALLY. This takes time and effort and the decision to forgive over and over again. It is a choice, not a feeling. Some damage may remain, but forgiveness brings peace and true healing and allows you to move on. I still work on this, but the deep hurts of my father's behavior have healed. You must forgive your mother for being so weak and letting your father get away with all that he did, and you must forgive him for being so mean. When I forgave my mother, I stopped feeling manipulated. When you let someone make you angry it feels like they are manipulating you. Before I forgave, I felt horribly controlled and manipulated.

Alcoholics Anonymous says forgiveness is something you do for yourself, and if you do not, the resentment and bitterness will destroy you. You do not condone or excuse the behavior. With the help of your Higher Power, you forgive by an act of your will so that you can heal and move on.

You are not alone. But if you continue to relive the hurts and allow the resentment to fester, you will FEEL very much alone. I hope this helps. It is a sad truth that many of us on this planet were injured by others in many ways. That is life. Love and protect yourself be forgiving and letting it go. You owe it to yourself and those you love to move one. You can do this.

Don't give up on therapy. As cwillie suggests, maybe you need a different therapist, or maybe you did to tell the current therapist what isn't working for you. But keep up the therapy.

Give AlAnon more time.

It sounds like how you've related to Mother is as her rescuer. And now she is no longer a victim and doesn't need a rescuer. Hmm. Where does that leave you? Can you forge a relationship of equal adults? You have very different views of past reality, so I doubt such a relationship could be based on your shared past. Can it be based on your shared present?

I think that you need to acknowledge the rage and you feel toward your mother for not protecting you from abuse. I don't know if you were abused by your father or you just had to witness his abuse of her, but she was a grown woman who excused his behaviour until the day he died, in fact by she is still excusing him after his death and trying to get you to do it too. Your therapists was probably right that you can never change her thinking at this point, but they were wrong not to offer you ways to deal with your own feelings. Maybe you need to find a different therapist with a focus on these issues.