I am currently dealing with a very complex situation. I have a parent who is suffering from Alzheimers. The Alzheimers is getting very bad.
However what makes things more complex is that I have never had a good relationship with my family. I had a psychologically and physically abusive childhood. My parent with Alzheimer's and my step parent have never been a source of support in my life. My other parent died when I was young. I believe I have psychological issues as a result of my life growing up. Life is difficult for me. I have been extremely independent for a long time also.
Since leaving the family home I have not had much to do with my parent or step parent. Asides from the occasional meeting for a dinner or lunch two or three times a year. This has been in the nature of formality rather than an engaged experience. I have always remained distant from my family.
Now that my parent is getting bad there are increasing calls upon me to help. This parent has to be supervised at all times due to safety risks and cannot be left alone even for 30 seconds. I have spent around 8 lots of 4/5 hour sessions with the parent in the last couple of months since they got worse. There is increasing pressure upon me to assist and spend more time, supervising, entertaining, helping to toilet, feeding etc.
Now I am concerned about finances. The parent needs to go into care. There is some govt support but its all very complex. There is a fair amount of risk there might be insufficient support to cover it. I am concerned that I will be subjected to pressure to help fund it.
I am also very angry that the parent and step parent have been to blame to be in the financial and health state they are in. They have been reckless with spending for the last 25 years. Holidays, boats, dinners, drinks, parties, excessive travel, cars, non stop. And it still continues now. They have also been unhealthy and the parent undertook all the lifestyle risks for contributing to alzheimers: smoking, drinking, rich diet, no rigorous mental stimulation, no exercise.
I have very little in the way of time to offer. I work two jobs, 6 days a week 50/55 hours a week. I have some money but not a great deal. I don't have enough to afford to buy a home as a live in an extremely expensive part of the world. I live in an extremely frugal manner to try save enough for a deposit.
I am concerned about what little I have being threatened by my parent's situation and the pressure placed upon me after how I have been treated.
I am not sure where things sit with this. I am annoyed by advice from most people who have had a supportive family not have a dysfunctional and abusive childhood and family life like I had so they cant work it out. I feel like my family has caused issues for me and created psychological problems for me rather than been a source of support at any time.
It also difficult as despite all this I still place myself in the shoes of the parent and the anxiety they probable feel and want to help try and ease that.
So I am interested in thoughts as to what might be appropriate level of support I could provide or maybe none at all. I am especially interested to hear from adult children of abusive parents without much resources in a similar situation and what you have done.
In an ideal world what I want is to maybe visit once every three weeks for a couple of hours while there are staff who can take responsibility for feeding and safety etc while I just show them photos or something and also that all the care is covered but that I don't pay for a cent of it.
Thanks
If your parents did not do that, shame on them. It is not your fault or responsibility.
You have already received the best possible advice from this site. Do NOT do anything more than what you are comfortable with, even if it means doing nothing.
I just want to emphasise that your parent needs the best Memory Care that THEY can afford. NOT You ! Dementia will strengthen the parent's past behaviour, and the parent will try to become more manipulative, and possible verbally and emotionally abusive again, physically abusive is also a possibility. Therefore a Memory Care unit is the only solution. Off course he/she will resist it, they all do - but once they are there, they will eventually forget about their house (advantages of memory loss), and be content and happy there. The family is not doing them a favour by not following through with this.
Therefore for your own well-being you have to resist them now. Put your foot firmly down, set clear boundaries, you can do it in writing so that all parties can see, and stick to it ! You can do it.
Good Luck ! And lots of sympathy & Love ♡
As far as your sibling ...try to help out but maybe just in background or by supporting them ...like go to lunch or a long walk to allow,them to vent after a trying day ...were they also abused? Perhaps they need counseling also.
For your parent. Take no financial or caregiving responsibility. Perhaps part of helping could be visiting and finding care for your parent... It sounds like it needs to be a facility. Find one ...once there you can help by visiting since this helps with maintaining good care ...folks who don’t habe visitors sometimes suffer since their staff notices when deficiencies won’t be . You don’t really have to even stay with parent much if not wanted..just pop in and out at random times. Maybe even check their room and belongings while they are at meals . Speak with caregivers. Once they are gong to a facility , the staff there will assist with financials...they can deal with the stepparent. If your parent is hospitalized there will be social workers to help with this. In the states, the step parent will be able to keep some assets because they have right to their residence and community living . Your parents social security and income will go towards their care...if part of this is needed for the spouse there is a whole formula. If your deceased parent or your parent was in the armed services there may be possibility of some assistance from the VA ( if widow of veteran). But you , or,your sibling , should not shoulder any financial burdens.
Lastly, dementia is strange and in forgetting ..sometimes empahsizes the personality and sometimes changes it. Your parent may get to point where they don’t remember you or what happened in past. At that point you might even have more of a relationship than ever before. If. You. Want.
Try to help get her into a good facility, maintain your boundaries , get help for your issues ( and maybe a dog ..they are great at pure love and acceptance) and keep your sibling as much as possible.
best of luck to you
Your step-parent needs to see an eldercare attorney for good advice about how not to become impoverished.
I guess the step parent as POA must have legal responsibilities to liquidate if they fail to and the govt doesn't fund it because of them hoarding assets
RESPONSIBILITIES TO PARENTS*
1
Children, listen to me, your father;
act accordingly, that you may be safe.
2
For the Lord sets a father in honor over his children
and confirms a mother’s authority over her sons.
3
Those who honor their father atone for sins;
4
they store up riches who respect their mother.
5
Those who honor their father will have joy in their own children,
and when they pray they are heard.
6
Those who respect their father will live a long life;
those who obey the Lord honor their mother.
7
Those who fear the Lord honor their father,
and serve their parents as masters.
8
In word and deed honor your father,
that all blessings may come to you.a
9
A father’s blessing gives a person firm roots,
but a mother’s curse uproots the growing plant.b
10
Do not glory in your father’s disgrace,
for that is no glory to you!
11
A father’s glory is glory also for oneself;
they multiply sin who demean their mother.c
12
My son, be steadfast in honoring your father;
do not grieve him as long as he lives.d
13
Even if his mind fails, be considerate of him;
do not revile him because you are in your prime.
14
Kindness to a father will not be forgotten;
it will serve as a sin offering—it will take lasting root.
15
In time of trouble it will be recalled to your advantage,
like warmth upon frost it will melt away your sins.
16
Those who neglect their father are like blasphemers;
those who provoke their mother are accursed by their Creator.e
This young woman is responsible for her own finances and should not feel pressure to fund her mother's care.
She WANTS to visit and be an honoring daughter. Stepparent is trying to guilt her into paying for mother's care.
That is wrong.
I think you just do what feels ok for you, no more no less, and don’t let yourself feel pressured to do anything that you feel is revolting. You owe her nothing.
it is what it is, you are not responsible for her life or her care.
What I'm getting at is - as their "child"- you are responsible to make sure they are cared for.... but not for providing the care or the expenses or the time. Those areas are up to your discretion on how to use them. Do what is prudent and makes sense. It would help if you had POAs for financial and medical. If not, then enlist the help of your local government agency.
The spouse is responsible to ensure that the proper care is provided. Otherwise you are fighting a losing battle from the word go and this is hard enough without trying to intervene when someone else has ALL the authority and final say.
BTDT and recommend that it is avoided until you see that the spouse is derelict in their responsibilities and then you call in the authorities to take over, but you personally stay removed from the situation.
I understand what you are saying and I think there are situations that it is 100%, not when there is a stepmonster though.
Strongly make the suggestion to your step dad that she be placed. Strongly state that you don't have the money or time to be a caregiver. Period.
Making the decision to place your parent in a facility that has round the clock care can be one of the kindest things you do for them and yourself.
visited her and checked to be sure she was being cared for properly with meds, that her clothes were being taken care of and everything but then we would go home. Neither of us were able to handle a bedridden parent with dementia on top of it and it was bad. I still feel that we did the right thing and still did what the Lord said to do. We just had to do it the best way that we could. I had a bad shoulder and my sister was seeing a chiropractor. Dad had congestive heart failure. So there you have it. Sometimes a nursing facility is the only reasonable answer for everybody concerned.
Ignore whomever is pressuring you. It is they who do not have your parent's best interests in mind.
By providing care, you are enabling your stepparent to avoid what has to be done. Your parent belongs in long term care .
Be unavailable for hands-on care (to avoid confrontation, fib if you have to - new work demands is a handy reason). Make it clear. Especially if your parent winds up in the emergency room, make very clear that they do not have caregiving available at home.
Next step can either be a planned move to long term care (wether they have the ability to private pay or not) or your stepparent (and you) can just wait for a fall or other crisis that would trigger a trip to the ER. From there, it can simply be a matter of demanding a full work-up (the dementia needs to be expressed as the underlying reason for whatever caused the ER visit). Then, if it is made clear that there isn't sufficient care available at home, the discharge planner will work through the options (in a much more stream-lined way that you would be able to_.
When my mother passed away, my siblings refused to take in my father. I was left to assist him and I am thankful for the opportunity because I never truly knew my father, we always gravitated to Mom.
What I learned in the next 7.5 years is that my mother was no paragon of virtue - and my father had put up with a lot that us kids knew nothing about. Mind you, he never complained; he loved my mother with all his heart and soul. With his dying breath, he still praised my mother!
Decide what you can do and what you cannot do - and try to adhere to your guidelines. You are not responsible to pay for their care, but you will be pressured to do so. I would not have been ashamed to make my parent a "ward of the state" had it become necessary. I am thankful it never came to that as he had enough funds and good health insurance as well as the VA to handle his needs.
If they won't go to attorney, then go when they call with a problem or don't go - up to you. If you see the situation is putting one/both in harm's way, your obligation at that point would be go and get personally involved or call the authorities who will evaluate and place them somewhere as needed.
While I think that is even overly generous given the other demands on your own life, this is exactly what you should do. You have no responsibility to provide for their finances.
Find yourself a good talk therapist who can help you through this.
And apart from calling on you to help, what else is your stepmother doing about finding care resources?
In the end, this is her problem. It would be his problem, except that his Alzheimer's exempts him from responsibility now, it's too late. What it isn't is your problem. Do what you can to put her in touch with people and services who can help, but other than that protect your own boundaries. No more free "Dad-sitting" sessions, for example, or not unless you happened to plan to spend a morning with him.
Fact is, you are not close to your father. You have formal visits a few times a year. There is no confidential, loving relationship there and stepmother cannot manufacture one from wishes and regrets.
My step parent is going to seek govt care but there might be a shortfall and there is a possibility govt care could be declined. Don't know yet.
If yes, do it. If no, don't do it.
Thinking of it and presenting it as a lump sum, one-off, ex gratia contribution to tide your father over the funding gap would avoid the precedent-setting concern. You could consider offering it to Good Sibling direct, and asking GS to keep it quiet.
But I still don't see you're under any obligation. If GS feels differently, good for him/her and be happy for him/her; but you do not feel the same and this is not a competition.
And stop fretting over and resenting your stepparent's hopelessness. The pickle she's in is not your fault and it's not your problem, but it's also therefore not for you to criticise.
Do not fall for this $hit.
If you want, arrange down the road to reimburse sibling IF they have actually paid anything.
I feel really strongly that you are being played.
Say "no, my financial advisor says I can't possibly do that".