Any advice on dealing with the feeling that I've lost my life?

I have no life either. I had to move both of my Parents in with me and after a Honeymoon period for about a month, my life took a nose dive. I'm either working, taking them on errands or caribg fircthem at hone

I have no life either. I had to move both of my Parents in with me and after a Honeymoon period for about a month, my life took a nose dive. I'm in my mid 40's and divorced w/no children. Make a good living. Parents are in their mid-70's with mutiple chronic illnesses. I'm either working, taking them on errands or doctor's visits or caring for them at home. I have one sibling who lives out of State, visits twice a year and only does what he wants to do. I find myself tired, sad, angry, depressed and/or hopeless all the time. As soon as I accrue some PTO at work something happens and it's gone again. I love them, but I fear I will not be around for very long if I keep on this course. I trief to find a local support group, but haven't found one yet.

The feeling that we get when we feel like we have "lost our life" is probably the first step to realizing that real fact. I have floundered for the past year or so with my mother who is 80. I also, somehow, lost 3 siblings who decided my mother was too much work or that she didn't quite tell the truth about things. I mourned my father's death, then my mother's personal problems coming to a head and moving in with my husband and I, and then my siblings vanishing. I don't know if I really mourn their loss, or worry that I should mourn more. I kinda don't mind it at times as I couldn't deal with the drama anymore. The sad thing is that my mother created it most of the time. Like almost any life issue that needs change, it might mean just one step toward it. It might not be a major overhaul or a financial shot in the arm, but one 15-minute break that helps calm the spirit. I think it's the reaching out to others, like your neighbors, to bring back some of the socialization that you are missing. Since visiting this site and actively engaging myself, I find that the small tidbits of advice (as well as the big ones!) have brought me back to a place from which I think I can manage all of the issues in front of me. Like all of you, I thought that this experience of helping my mother would be a piece of cake. No such luck. However, I am thankful that this site exists and I know there are a lot of people who suffer more than I. Thanks for everyone's great insight. I am surrounded by great people.

Canttellu, you must take charge and change the course of your life even if that means that your mother needs to live somewhere else. If you can't find a local support group, a therapist would be a good person to talk with. I wish you well in your journey.

I'm 51 and I sometimes feel like I've lost some pieces. Mom is 86, moved in this past January, and I have given up quite a lot. She has mild dementia and mild memory loss, so it's not too bad. The days are erratic, though, and I can't always predict how much she'll need me, so there are some types of activities that I have given up on.

I struggle to keep activities where I go out and meet with people and without her. I try to schedule things outside the house , together, and things alone. It's hard, though. I HAVE to be here every morning, because those are her bad times. I have given up all morning activities, for example.

Anyway, while I'm pleased on the days that she's doing well that I'm helping her and where I can see what a difference I've made in her mental and medical well-being, I do sometimes feel stressed about the things I can no longer do or feel it's too much trouble to continue with.

I hear you! I too am caring and live with 92 year old mother with dementia. She, unlike your mom is angry, negative and controlling , has been all her life, but is getting worse. I lost my wonderful husband of 43 years 3 yrs ago to cancer and shortly after was told by my older sister I had to take over her care as she was getting married and could not stand her anymore...Never really healed and now caring for her is overwhelming...I had a wonderful life and try to remember that when I start feeling I no longer have a life..this journey is so unpredictable and one never knows what or where we are asked to do in that path...I try to do things with my daughter and her family and keep my mind off of how sad I feel..I listen to music we loved and pray daily..I feel for her as I think she too never imagined she would have to depend on anyone for her care. I try my best and feel sure God sees my heart and will someday reward me with his graces...Hang touch and do nice things for yourself...the by product will be self- pride and honoring a love one in last stages of their life ..God Bless and touch your spirit with strength...sincerely Janette

geo123, if you feel like you have lost some pieces of your life, then you have and as her dementia increases you will end up giving up more than just all your morning activities. Unless you are wealthy, I don't see where you can financially afford to not be working at 51. I think you need to take some steps about your mother's care that will also protect your well being. So many caregivers don't live as long as those who take care of them.

JanJon13, I'm sorry that your mom is angry, negative and controlling. I am very sad that you have never had a chance to heal from loosing your husband because your older sister went on with her life, got married and could not stand her anymore. That was really not fair and your mother's dementia is going to only worsen with time. You are doing several good things to distract yourself, but those feelings of loss are still there and will probably only increases as your mother declines. I'm sure God sees you heart, but your reward for what you are doing may not be on this side of heaven. I think that you need to look into some alternatives for your mother's care so that you can have a better life yourself.

Omagnum.....your advise is sound , no doubt! however I find myself stuck in thought that it is my duty as her only child willing to do what needs to be done short of hunting for a suitable assisted living facility. I know It is a probability as she needs 24 hour attention and can not ever be left alone anymore. I work part-time and also , for my sanity, volunteer at a free health clinic one morning a week. I feel what I share here is another method of coping and purging bad feelings so to all who contribute and offer a shoulder to cry on, I say"thank you so much!". I pray what ever I contribute has served if only in small way others in this same situation. I am humble enough to recognize I have so much more to learn and will remain faithful to sharing what I find works and can make another caregivers life and task less stressful. I will continue to post new developments and techniques that I find may help others. I continue to pray and feel sure things will be all right.

Do you think the thought of being stuck might actually be a result of having a critical and controlling mother along with the possibility that your painful childhood memories make you cringe deep inside with some fear of making mom angry again? This is not an uncommon form of emotional blackmail that is like FOG which stands for fear, obligation and guilt. You are showing your mother a lot of empathy although as you say that you don't feel it which is ok given your background. What I'm suggesting is that you show yourself more empathy. Your mother is what she is and will never change. Sad so say, but she will never be the mother that you did not have. One way that helps deal with that is be like a good mother to yourself. What would a non-critical, not-controlling, happy, elderly mother want for her 64 year old daughter who has lost her husband to death, but still has many years ahead of her? What I'm saying is not easy to do, but understand that I feel your pain. You have a lot of supportive people here who will offer you their love, prayer, hugs and advice. We look forward to hearing your journey in future posts. Love prayers and hugs.

Thanks cmagnum, but I do know that. I was just responding with my own current situation to illustrate to the person posting that they are not alone.

I keep saying the same thing, I am so overwhelmed that I am seriously getting scared of everything. I tried to break my lamp last night because I was so angry. I am going through some doctor stuff for myself and it just seems that they make it so difficult to just keep what is working. They are always trying to send you to another specialist that I do not need. My depression and anxiety is what I need help with and I am literally swearing at the office people and crying to the insurance company to get it straightened out. I know you get more with honey but sometimes thats all I have are tears. I don't know how much more I can take.

fligirl58, I am sorry to hear about your very frustrating day and night. Your doctor really should have adjusted your depression and anxiety meds. Does this doctor know what they are doing? If not, you might need another one. If you don't mind my asking, what depression and anxiety meds does he have you on and at what dose? Hugs, prayers and love.

Cmag I am on Wellbutrin and back on Xanax. My primary refilled my trazadone
and antidepressant. So for now I should be ok until I get a referral. Thanks for the prayers and good thoughts

My worst fear happened today. My Mom woke up with chest pain, dizziness and pain all over. Thankfully, I worked from home today. I rushed her to the hospital and had to leave my Dad at home and cancel his drs appt. He is a Type 2 Diabetic. I didn't have time to fix him something to eat, so I called him and tried to convince him to eat, but he has conjestive heart failure and really bad arthritis so he doesn't want to get up. I'm hoping he will and I don't find him on the floor when I get home.

Totally understand. I am a 57 yr old female, divorced, caring for my 94 yr old mom. Moved her in w/me back in March. She ran out of money after living in assisted living for 3 1/2 yrs. Couldn't bring myself to move her in to nursing home. I am also self employed. Work from home 95% of the time. Work away from home one day a week & go to church one day on the weekend. Have to hire a caregiver service for those days. Can't afford more days. Living very tight financially...both of us. The stress is heavy. I am burnt out. I cry over nothing. Totally overwhelmed. Have no friends. Don't want to be here anymore. Not suicidal. Even though I pray, study, listen to sermons online. I am still irritable, impatient, short tempered, drowning in self pity. I am a mess. SO need a break. A real break. No break in sight. Seems hopeless.

pbfloyd, what kept you and keeps you from placing your mother in a nursing home? It sounds like she would qualify for medicaid.

PBfloyd,

You sound very depressed and truly on the edge. It pains me to think of your situation. You need to get help. Can anyone from your church help you out a bit? Maybe just for a few hours a week? I feel your pain and frustration and will keep you in my prayers.

You wrote: Couldn't bring myself to move her in to nursing home.

Again, have said it elsewhere, I have to say, why not? What is so terrible about these places? She will get her meds and food and be safe. You can visit. True, it is not ideal but is the current situation ideal? We need to make decisions that are best for ALL, not just one.

I don't think we should be criticizing pbfloyd over her choice. She's said she couldn't bring herself to put her mom in a nursing home. Some people feel that way about it, others don't. Let's just respect her choice and give her a place where she can vent without us criticizing her choices.

pbfloyd, my situation isn't like yours but I do go through some of what you're talking about. I'm glad you have the two days and hope that those days help you get through this. I am also self-employed and I find that I really do have to get out for my own mental health, because I really am here with mom too much.

But we also have limited resources. I'm trying to find more things that I could do from home that would be fun and/or relaxing for me. It's hard, though. Reading is tough because Mom always seems to need something and I make it through few pages. Sometimes, I can hide from her for a bit. I like jigsaw puzzles and she actually likes helping me do those. But it's still hard to find the right things.

geo123, who is critizing? Your point is well taken. We should respect the choices of others.

At the same time, when someone is very clear about being miserable, it s not unrealistic to ask about the possibility for change. Change is very hard--especially changing our minds. But many of us become "stuck" in a bad situation because we can't find the right push to get our minds changed.

This board is full of people who claim to be miserable and stuck. I stick by my point, it is time for gentle pushes in the form of suggestions and questions.

Canttellu, what a frightening day. Please let us know what happened. I hope your mother is all right and your dad was able to get his food while you tended her. What a stressful position to be in.

While I do see your point, sometimes people really just need a safe place to vent and be unjudged.

geo...no one is critizing pbfloyd. people are suggesting...sometimes we need to be in incredible pain before we consider any new options. because others have walked in these shoes...all suggestions are given with a lot of love for the person going thru their personal hell...alone.

Lots of love pbfloyd....keep posting!

I can see clearly how your life feels tumbling away out of control knowing one day you will be old too and then all the windows of questions open and open. Seek respite care they offer it at nursing/assisted living & care agencies. Move your life to the location that makes your heart beat. You must live to help another live

For those who say you will do anything for a family member, maybe you don't "get it". My 85 year old mom has been living in our house for 27 years. We took her in when she was destitute, and "old", so she would have a place to live. I am now older now than she was then. My mom now has bone marrow cancer, is completely deaf (hearing aids wont work), blind in one eye, and incontinent. She relies on me for everything. I had a successful weekends only business that I have given up because I can't leave her home alone because she might fall again, and relies on me to feed her and give her her medications. I live in a relatively rural area, and was told by the state that I am entitled to 22 hours of outside help because of her needs, but the state with has only one agency available to deal with in our area, and they have only one woman who covers our area, and she only works weekdays. Additionally, she only has a maximum availability of 6 hours a week, and that's when she doesn't call out. She is elderly herself.
My sister, who lives 5 minutes away, is too busy living her life to take my mom to any doctor appointments, prepare her any meals, do her laundry, etc., etc. Her answer when I ask for more help is to put mom in a nursing home. My mom has absolutely no dementia, and was in nursing homes for physical therapy where she claims she was physically abused by staff. Needless to say, she has no intention of every returning to a nursing home. I have times when I feel better, but often feel trapped and hopeless. I do get it.

Please excuse my grammatical errors in the above post. I guess there is no "edit" feature? :/

I can definitely relate to you. I moved back into my mother's house in 2010 after my father passed away. At the time it seemed like a win win situation for us both. I could save money and she wouldn't have to leave her home. The problem is that I didn't think it through nor did I really think I would still be in this situation 4 years later. Due to other circumstances I have not had a real home of my own since 2007 for longer than a few months at a time. Even thought my situation is very tolerable in many ways I am becoming increasingly resentful of the fact that I am living like a 90yr old. I try to stay in gratitude and remind myself daily that I have great supportive siblings, live in sitters, my mother has financial security, I have a good job, and many other things I could list. But sometimes I just feel like it is time to acknowledge that this may not be the healthiest living arrangement for either one of us. I have been thinking it is time to seek some advice and guidance from a therapist and am thinking you might benefit from outside help as well. I am just grateful to see a post from someone else who moved into a parent's home. Most of the posts I see are from those who had the elder move into their home. And for me it is getting old living with all of my things stuffed into one room and feeling like I am in the way of the sitters any time I need to go into a common area.

Deegeebee, you said it so well. I still feel like a visitor after five years. There is nothing of mine around me except the rabbits. I have my two rooms, but they are filled with my parents' things. And Lord help us if I suggest getting rid of things so I can build my own life.

I haven't had a bath in 5 years, because all there is is a walk-in shower. I like baths, not showers. I feel like I'm a resident in someone else's nursing home.

Funny thing is that whenever she wants me to do something in the house, she'll tell me that it is my house. Whenever she doesn't want me to do something, it is her house. Most of the time it is her house and her everything. There's no me at all here except the rabbits.

I totally identify with others on this site and ma so glad I found it. I am caring for my father who is 89. I came with a suitcase Oct 2013 and have been here in his house ever since, except for one month when a sister took over. I/we saved his life and got him out of pain and now that opens up a whole new dilemma. Where will he live?

Caring for him is not a one person job. Oh for the days when family was all around and he might even have been in a room in a big family house. But these days, it is me, the oldest girl, 67, unmarried and no kids, who is trying to do everything. We can get a little help through the VA or private pay - can't afford round the clock - but that is just a drop in the bucket as there is so much to his care. Appointments, drs orders, prescriptions, shopping, cooking, cleaning, getting supplies, handling all mail and correspondence, finances, special needs such as wound treatments, thickened liquids for dysphasia, catheter problems when they crop up, urine bag drainage, helping to dress, bathe, shave, transport to drs and just to get out, exercises advised by the physical therapists. Phone calls, house maintainance, snow shoveling and yardwork, All personal care - bowel movements in the middle of the night, and all his little wants and needs that happen all day long. It is quite endless. I have no time at all for myself really. Can't watch a show all the way through, can't read a book except in little segments, too tired at night to take do these things and take care of my own personal care and business - have to work it in whenever I can which is not often. Still have my apt in Tucson and friend is there helping with costs, but wonder if I am crazy for keeping it. Probably.

He was hospitalized 6 times in the last year - bleeding ulcers, severe anemia, 4 or 5 pneumonias sometimes along with the other things, and now a total hip replacement with special rules about that. He is home but I am wondering how long I can really do this and what to do about it.
He is a veteran - I am going to explore what they can offer. I did get him into their health system and into the veterans Aid and Attendance program but his income is just that little tad too high and they did not even seem to look at all of his many medical expenses. Waiting for an explanation on that - 3 months now.
I think he needs some kind of nursing home - VA or otherwise. I will be investigating that as I get time to - very hard under the circumstances.

I go from feeling like I am doing a great thing and good job, to feeling sorry for myself and resentful as at his age he mostly just has needs like a child and is not very aware of mine. I do feel like I have lost my life, but so far I can put up with it as I think this is so important. But I don't know how long I can do that. He is smart and kind - no dimentia - and loves all of us "kids" and grandkids, but very OCD, very stubborn and set in his ways and it is quite hard to deal with on a daily basis with all the little things that have to be just so. It has worked for him though - he lives simply and carefully and it has worked for him. I can't really say the same. Love him dearly, but looking for a future plan that will keep him going, but will also let me also have my own life back.
I am more motivated now when I hear the stories of some that have gone on for years this way. Thanks!
m

i am 55 yrs. old...lost my home (husband's location unknown....alcoholic, gambled away all monies); no children; haven't worked outside of home in a million yrs.(financially very comfortable for 20 + yrs.) living with elderly ailing parents (upper middle class previously...living on social security presently) in their home...lucky to have roof over my head; mom's health worsening (dementia, diabetes,depression) dad is 85 and has cardiac condition, understandably difficult time dealing with mom's care; i have no income, no insurance...did not expect this to be situation after 4 yrs....i cannot even think of what the future holds; parents & i have always been very, very close....financially and emotionally am honoring their wishes to care for them, but also grateful for roof and food. most days fine, but becoming increasingly burnt out with demands 24-7; happy if i have half an hour to shower. don't even know why i am writing except today was exceptionally difficult day...selfishly i am so tired; i have become absolutely isolated from friends, i don't have the energy or inclination to contemplate dressing up and acting happy (what the hell would i even talk about...i was a very social person)... i don't even take phone calls, i have nothing to say, and do not want to complain...i am not a victim, i am just a bit overwhelmed? do not suggest nursing homes, ethnic families do not ever have others care for family....so sad to see what we have all lost and become.....we were fun, happy, lucky for so many years...traveled...all normal things....this is sad, mostly for my wonderful parents....life without them is beyond me....i vascilate between being petrified at being homeless to honestly not caring any longer what happens....pathetic at this point. thank you for letting me vent....still have a sense of humor thank God on good days....laugh or die! not looking for aid/help...i'll survive, quality of life is irrelevent....i had a great life....dethroned princess....lol....awwwww poor me. ;) much thanks...good luck to all of you.

I find it overwhelming to hear of the various problems with dealing with parents who need our care, and then, combining it with mental or social issues.....and then our own needs as well. I have been dealing with my own entrapment and trying to unravel myself from sinking into a hole that I may never emerge from. I think it might be best to create a journal that lists things that I do each day for me. However, I don't want it to turn me into a self-engrossed individual, but I do want to see concrete evidence that I am not turning into a crazy person as a result of all of this, nor do I want to become resentful and angry either. I will list what is important to me and number what it is. Each time I make an entry into my journal, I will notate the number and what I did to ensure that I am in keeping with my goals and needs and perhaps what moves I have made to move in the right direction. Sometimes, it is our own minds that keeps us locked into a situation and trying to understand our own limitations might help toward resolution, even if it is not the one you think you deserve. Keep the faith - I wish everyone the best of solutions and please know that I think positive thoughts about all of you, all of the time.