I am a 54yo man caring for my 84 year old mother - moved her in 3 years ago. She is a wonderful and kind person -- not abusive or angry -- she instead tends towards depression -- and -- every year that passes I become more aware of how much I am giving up. I am afraid that by the time she passes, I will have nothing left physically or emotionally to build my own life. I just have no energy left over for proactively engaging in my now life anymore. I am treading water with my business (self-employed) and am actually grateful I have no kids, because there is barely any energy left for me. A big part of the issue is that I am still living in a community I would have left years ago except for her being here. My preference would be to live much further north (USA) where the climate would not be good for her at all. I also love traveling and feel most at home in a much bigger city, and having her with me in a city would be intolerable. I feel I am on the edge of burnout. I have access to good friends and counselors, and, I'm beginning to feel a sense of hopelessness that really scares me. Thanks for your insights.
JanJon13, I'm sorry that your mom is angry, negative and controlling. I am very sad that you have never had a chance to heal from loosing your husband because your older sister went on with her life, got married and could not stand her anymore. That was really not fair and your mother's dementia is going to only worsen with time. You are doing several good things to distract yourself, but those feelings of loss are still there and will probably only increases as your mother declines. I'm sure God sees you heart, but your reward for what you are doing may not be on this side of heaven. I think that you need to look into some alternatives for your mother's care so that you can have a better life yourself.
I struggle to keep activities where I go out and meet with people and without her. I try to schedule things outside the house , together, and things alone. It's hard, though. I HAVE to be here every morning, because those are her bad times. I have given up all morning activities, for example.
Anyway, while I'm pleased on the days that she's doing well that I'm helping her and where I can see what a difference I've made in her mental and medical well-being, I do sometimes feel stressed about the things I can no longer do or feel it's too much trouble to continue with.
I want to reinforce what JessieBelle said:
We have to be practical and realistic. I am really surprised to hear over and over how many people have "promised" to their parents that they "would never put them in a home."
Let's take a look at that from a practical point of view: can we really make a promise like that? How do we know we will even be alive to take care of parents? How do we know we will be able to take care of parents? How do we know we will be financially stable enough to do so? Or, as we are seeing, emotionally strong enough to do so? Are we assuming that parents would wish to ruin their childrens' lives to keep them out of a NH?
Also, is it not true that the whole science of elder care has improved and changed dramatically since those promises were made? Elder care today includes much more sophisticated meds and much more sophisticated programs than we observed twenty years ago. What is so terrible about having meds and food taken care of, safety, no wondering, company to talk with, someone to play cards with, parties, etc.???
I say we have to do what is best for ALL. The last time I visited my grandchildren I was struck by how much they needed my attention, which had been riveted on my mom for the prior year. I said to myself: my mother is not the only person on the face of the earth--how about that! Today I am making plans to divide my time evenly between my grandchildren, my mother, and my poor old husband--and, oh yes, maybe a little for me!
Your husband's words don't apply to most situations. Usually feeling something is wrong is our body's way of telling us we need to change. If we're trying on shoes and a pair pinches our toes, we know we need to look for a different pair. If our pants become too tight, it is time to buy a larger size. If we wake up in despair about our situation each morning, we know it is time to make changes -- to get help with our situation.
There are situations where if something doesn't feel right, it is still the right thing to do. Sacrifices made for our country, our loved ones, and others can fall in this category of things. We have to decide how much we can sacrifice and draw the line when it goes down the path of harming ourselves too much when it comes to caregiving.
This is not saying that we shouldn't be caregivers, only that we should keep it in balance so we do not harm ourselves. This is why I always advise people not to quit jobs unless they can afford to do it. I feel so sad when I read of a single person who quit their job and gave up their home to go somewhere to take care of a parent who needs 24/7 care. We often get questions here about if there is any way to get paid.
BTW, I am not a selfish person. I am actually a little too selfless for my own good. But I think a lot about the way things are. What I do see is that we often put a parent very high on a pedestal, so their wishes outweigh those of all the other family members. It sounds noble to do this, but it really has no logic. Each family has to decide what the best thing to do, given their own circumstances.
But I hold firm to my thought to never quit a day job unless there is enough money put back to last you a lifetime. What cmag wrote is so wise and addresses so well the way I feel about things. He has been through it and has seen the worst, so he knows.
A few months ago I heard a preacher say something about the Good Samaritan, I'm paraphrasing here...
the preacher said if you notice, even the good Samaritan attended to the man who needed help, found him a place to rest and be taken care of, paid the person who took the ill man in to care for him, and then the Good Samaritan went on his way.
The good Samaritan did not drop everything that he had to do and care for the ill man himself, but made sure the ill man was taken care of by someone who could.
This is food for thought for all of us who for some reason, think we have to be the caretakers, even if we are sick, have to work to live, are overwhelmed with other responsibilities.....
you know as we age taking care of an aging parent or parents who get sicker and sicker, and need more and more care, is a lot different than when they took care of us as we grew up. They were young and healthy, and we grew up and took over much of the work for ourselves in time. With aging parent the opposite is the case. They need more care as time goes on and we are in our later years ourselves.
We really do not have to do the actual caregiving to be good, dutiful, loving, responsible and kind adult children.!
Dad wants to get his knees done (I have issue with it) so he wants to get them done here (Dr. is an hour away). so he says I have to take care of him while he recuperates! I live in a snowy climate and I have a 3 story house! My sister is the nurse, I told him to go stay with her. Ugh! What ever I say is wrong. So when I say I feel your pain I do. I am trying to get out more with my friends, date night with my wife and trying to feel less guilty when I go out by myself. I had a civic club to volunteer at and he was miffed I didn't tell him I was going, it was hard heavy work and I can't take my dad with me 24/7.
To stop one's job or career in their 40ties or 50ties is suicide of one's own retirement and more. I don't think any parent except one with a narcissistic or borderline personality would want their adult child to do so.
I don't understand the outlook that such extreme self-sacrifice is ok if one is not married and does not have children. That is what some siblings think of the single, single parent, or never married sibling who is taking care of mom or dad. It is the outlook that single people don't have and don't deserve to have a life which is false. My mother in law wanted my wife and her sister to spend their whole life living at home to look after them instead of having a life which was and is sick. They both got their freedom and have lives of their own.
Nor do I think such masochistic behavior sets a good example for our own adult children some of whom might do the same thing to their own destruction which I can't see a parent wanting for their adult child. Other adult children will see such extreme self-sacrifice and say to themselves that they are never going to do that for their parents and would not expect that of their own children.
I know this must sound harsh, but people the feeling of loosing your life is real and that emotion (plus anger) along with your mental and physical health is crying out that something is wrong. The something that is wrong is what I consider to be self-abuse or slow suicide by degree. I don't know how many stories that I have read of this site where a person who has sacrificed themselves so no longer knows how to live or how to go on living once the person they are doing 24/7 caregiving of dies. This is not what we need to be doing to ourselves or the example to set for others to follow.
Caregiving can be much like being in prison, sometimes for a long time. We are changed by it. People who look at the end of their time with their loved one may worry about what is beyond. Their money is scant, their relationships are shot. There doesn't look like there is anything there. A person can get lost. Other people can say "you need to get out more," but that sounds like so much yada yada. Anyone who is a caregiver understands this, especially if they are alone.
Strange how we would never do to our loved one what we do to ourselves. We cannot sacrifice our lives so they don't have to move. That is not a fair trade. We can't cut ourselves off from human contact because they don't want anyone to come into the house. We can't dedicate our lives solely to them, because soon they will be gone and we'll be left with nothing.
We talk a lot of the group about narcissistic and borderline personality disorders. There is also a disorder called self-defeating personality disorder. One of the key symptoms of the disorder is self sacrifice. We might could be a successful person in our field, but we had to stay home and take care of our parents. Sorry, that makes no sense. We don't have to sacrifice this way to take care of parents. There are other options.
I find myself in Shawshank and I've been guilty of not paying attention to my life. It really has to end, because I am starting to feel like a dirty dog. There has to be a way to rebuild some semblance of a normal life. I don't owe my lifetime of happiness so my mother can sit in her pajamas all day and watch TV. I know I've been feeling lost, but I know it's something I have to quit doing to myself.
Pardon the mental ramblings, but sometimes we have to give ourselves a swift mental kick.
I'm not so sure this is right...or totally wrong...
Self sacrifice is a virtue, sure. But failing to take care of yourself is not. And dying of self-neglect before your caregivee passes on is pointless. They go on needing care, and you are not there at all to even make sure the facility or alternative caregivers are carrying out what you may have promised.
Love your caregivees, but love yourself too; don't try to do what you cannot do, at least year after year for an indefinite length of time, and do realize that it is not good for the past to be allowed to destroy the future. Whatever choices you have and whatever choices you make about providing care personally or with outside help, make them in good faith and with honesty and practicality in mind. May God bless you and your loved ones.
Wanting to send out hugs to ALL of you!!! Thanks for sharing. I'm overwhelmed with thoughts and feelings at the moment - and too much of a "hot mess" to be able to organize them right now - but I know that when I am able to think straight and convey things, this site is a great place to do so. It is truly a lifeline.
God bless you all for the good you are doing, and the grief/frustration that doesn't always allow you to believe it, and the toll it is taking on you. Hang in there. Praying for us all!!
What you are doing now for your mom is an incredible act of courage and selflessness. Give yourself a huge pat on the back for being the person you are and realize that it won't be forever. Some day you will once again be able to travel and live/do what you want and you will feel at peace with what you did for your mom. I wish you all the best!
At the same time, many of us are not aware at the beginning just how tough it will get. Sometimes it's hard to accept that our lives have changed so drastically. However, I am convinced that my own sense of freedom and peace depends on embracing the new life as my own -- the life that I consciously chose.
So I say to myself: Okay. This is it. Now what’s the sane, the realistic way to deal with it? At first I was reluctant to ask for help, thinking I could and should do it myself. Then Mom’s condition deteriorated to the point she has to be watched almost constantly to prevent falls. I can’t leave her alone, even to work in the yard. So I asked for and got some backup.
If your financial situation doesn’t allow for hiring someone to watch and care for your mother, you could look for outside resources, possibly starting with Jefferson County government. What programs are available? Is your mother eligible for home care funded by her health insurance (Medicare or otherwise)? Is she the widow of a veteran who served during wartime and thereby qualified for Veterans Administration support?
If you are too depressed to manage the research and calling people, is there someone else who can do it for you? Once you have regular respite, perhaps your head will clear enough to see what else is needed.
Meanwhile, blessings to you and all concerned for a positive resolution to this challenge in the near future.
So much what every one has said I have though and gone through. After reading most of this I don't feel bad for my thoughts. I also realized my parents didn't take care of theirs. So wonder why I do, they lived there life as there parents go old, sick and died.We sold our home and every thing so we could travel in a 5th wheel my daughter was going to live by my dad and be there if he need help. Soon as every thing sold my dad ran her off she was the last grand kid having any thing to do with him. I felt like he did just for we wouldn't go, so every time we do we don't stay very long because some thing happens and we have to come back.
This is me rambling so much more to say. I do go to a counselor and take meds, but wife won't.