Follow
Share

I recently relocated to Los Angeles to take care of my father who has now been diagnosed with Dementia. I can handle his confusion, forgetfulness, not knowing to eat, the meanness and aggression towards me, etc. But what I can’t deal with is the times when he does not know I am his daughter. He makes very graphic sexual requests from me. It makes me very uncomfortable, and nervous. I have only been with him for three months but it has gotten so bad that I can’t sleep at night fear he may rape me. Is any one going through this? I don’t want to put him in a facility because I know he will leave but I can’t live like this or I will end up in a facility.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing

36 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
1 2
I am still trying to get over waking up in the middle of the night with my naked father standing over me and telling me he wanted to ____ my ____. I pushed a chair under the doorknob for the rest of the week so at least I wasn't surprised. He also groped me a couple of times and tells me about all his sexual escapades in graphic detail even though I tell him to stop. At a time when I want to find compassion for my ailing father, between the sexual inappropriateness, the meanness and the rage, I want to stay as far from him as possible. When I told my mother what was going on she either laughs or says, "that didn't happen."
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Oh sweetie, your dad would be beyond humiliated and remorseful if he knew how he was behaving. Unfortunately you will have to limit his access to you and pretty much any female he has contact with. The brakes on his behavior are gone. My mom actually made suggestive remarks to her nephew before we realized what was going on. Your dad doesn't want this for you. Take whatever steps you feel necessary to keep everyone safe.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Be certain he takes the meds ordered from doctors
Document behaviour changes
Take steps to protect yourself

Remember he is not "himself"
Create a safety plan for both of you when exiting the room & /or house
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Seroquel works wonders for my husbands behavior. Thank God.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I recently posted to the discussion section about my father's inappropriate sexual acting out. I empathize with your predicament. In my father's case, he is physically frail, so I am not physically endangered or afraid, but your situation sounds worse.

A geriatric psychiatrist prescribed Lupron depot injections for my father. These decrease testosterone. In my father's case, they were only mildly effective and we discontinued them after three monthly injections, but it might be worth asking his doctor about. The advantage of Lupron over drugs such as Seroquel is that it does not cause sedation nor increase the potential for falls, although of course it has its own side effects, as do all drugs.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Premarin is an estrogen+progesterone patch or oral pill, but usually never given to males. However, I guess in my nursing practice I missed that one! Sexually aggressiveness is based on hormones and the imbalance of neurotransmitters in the brain. Sexual fantasies could happen to both sexes, but it will change given time. Just lock your doors females from an aggressive father and mention these behaviors to his doctor. There is always a "quiet down" pill.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
So scary and shocking this was to me when it happened with my Dad who suffered from Alzheimer's. His doc put him in the hospital for 12 days and put him on Premarin.. no more problems after that with the hyper-sexuality due to loss of inhibition.. Good luck to you. A good geriatric psychiatrist or neurologist is worth their weight in platinum!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
You are not alone. This behavior will soon pass. It probably will be replaced with another odd behavior. I had to get my husband help twice for his delusions. Our daughter freaked out when this happened to her. I was afraid to close my eyes at night too.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Believe it or not, my FEMALE employer went through this. (I suspect she has been in the closet her whole life anyway) but, she began sexually harassing me, and making comments that were just outrageous. I dreaded helping her inthe shower because that's when it was the worse. She would intentionally position herself so that I would have no other choice but to have my face right in front of her.....you know...I was like "oh hellllll no!" I didn't know what to do, and it made me feel extremely uncomfortable. Then one morning while she was in the shower,and making her salacious comments about my body, I stopped washing her hair, and I told her in a firm, and respectful tone...(always respectful, that's paramount) that her comments were making me feel very uncomfortable, and that she was "sexually harassing" me. I also told her she could get in a lot of trouble for sexually harassing her caregivers. That worked like a charm. The law she understands, and respects. Yes, she did make a few more comments here, and there. But, for the most part it stopped. I know it's your dad, and the situation is somewhat different. But, maybe the mention of "the law" will hit a note, and he will stop. It must be so weird, and unnatural for you to hear these words coming from you DAD! I don't like visual on that at all...yuck! But, like the other wise women and man said on this forum.....try to remember its not really him saying it. Block it out, and forget about it as much as possible. Good luck.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I agree with alwayslearning, while a diagnosis might be helpful for some, "the sky is the limit on what might happen next". A diagnosis is only a word unless it leads to medication that helps with his aggression. In the trenches like you are now, you need coping strategies, medication for him, and protection from him. I pray his appointment on the 22nd leads to solutions that work for both of you.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Hello DeAdra2013,

Here is the article that tooyoung mentioned above.

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/bad-behavior-by-elderly-parents-138673.htm

I wish you the best,
The AgingCare.com Team
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
On this website, under Caregiver Support, then under Tough Issues, there is an article titled "How to Handle Bad Behavior." It doesn't specificly address sexual agression, but it offers a couple of ideas that may help, such as using diversion and identifying the trigger. When a person, with dementia, is behaving badly you get their mind off what they are doing that is "bad," maybe suggest watching a favorite TV show or food treat. A trigger for sexual behavior, may be the type of clothing or perfume you're wearing, because it triggers past memories that are unrelated to you, but related to sex. Maybe it was triggered by a steamy love scene on TV that triggers those urges. So be aware of what was going on just before or what is common in prior situations, such as a cuddle, kiss or hug, which is fine in a normal situation, but maybe not anymore.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Until then... put a LOCK on your bedroom door or find a means to protect yourself.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
lol. im worried myself a little bit. my mother picked me up a package of black a - shirts a couple of weeks ago. shes always telling me i look good in those. now a policeman uniform would work for me cause shes old school and utterly distrusts cops. my long beard wont deter her cause she likes it. hee hee
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
If he is put into a Dementia unit he CAN'T leave. They have locked doors for that very reason. Most have an outside garden area, etc so they aren't just a prisoner, but it is for their safety... and yours!!

If you are truly afraid, you do have an obligation for him and you to do something different about the situation. Sometimes things are just out of our control to deal with. If he were a danger to himself, you wouldn't think twice about doing what will keep him safe, but it is harder when it is us...

Do what you need to do to protect him from doing something that the REAL him would be horrified by...
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Yes, I heard a few inappropriate things from my Mother as her disease progressed, but hearing it from a man must be scarier.
DeAdra, from what you explained, I commend you for taking the steps you have. I have all confidence in you that you are doing all the right things to protect yourself, and get your Dad the right help. It will change. I wish you the best as you care for him:) xo
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
As I told Wayne, when you see a parent mixing up days and nights and being confused by other situations, time to take them to a neurologist who can have them tested to see how much mental functioning they have. Better to have a correct diagnosis than continue to guess. Knowledge is power!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Sexual aggression is NOT likely to be how he got sex from your mother. He's NOT HIMSELF at this stage. You have to completely stop thinking of this as having ANYTHING to do with normalcy or his real personality or his history before dementia set in. That's also why being horrified is -- while understandable -- totally besides the point. If you can wrap your brain around not being horrified that he goes wandering, or can't remember who you are... well, this is incredibly sad but it's also "just" another sign that whoever your father was and whatever he was like, he's gone and has been replaced by a demented person, and the sky is the limit on what might happen next. So: yes, check the meds he's on; yes ask the doctor; yes protect yourself. As for upsetting him -- the biggest favor you can do for your loved ones is not to let them hurt you.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
@ferris1, you're a nurse, so I'll ask you what does it mean when your mom doesn't know what time of day it is....................................like she'll think its evening and time to take her meds when its actually morning...........................what does this signify? shes 81 thanks for your help Wayne
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
First of all, sexual aggression is the way he probably got sex from your mother, however, that doesn't make it safe for you. As a nurse, I can tell you when you put him in a facility, HE WILL NOT LEAVE, not with a dementia diagnosis. Get his doctor to give him some meds to hamper the sexual tension and get him in a facility. He might find a girlfriend in there! Happens all the time...
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
DeAdra, what concerns me more than your father's behavior is your reluctance to 'upset' him. You need to protect yourself and he is a mental child. He is going to be upset when he doesn't get his way. Don't give in to him just to keep the peace. Are you locking the door even though he gets upset? All the advice about doctors and medication is excellent, but you are going to have to be strong, too.
My father got into bed with me one morning after a visit to the bathroom. He thought I was my mother who passed away over 2 years ago. He was unaware his diaper was full of poop, so this behavior was especially disgusting! :-/ He's not aggressive with me, which helps. I sleep with my bedroom door locked now and that has solved my problem - your problem is far more complicated. I wish you luck and send you a hug.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Since no one has brought this up yet in this thread then I will as I usually do. Please do some research and check his prescription drugs. Usually drugs like cholesterol-lowering drugs do cause memory loss and dementia and although most doctors love to prescribe these kinds of drugs for the elderly, most elderly people do not benefit from them and thus do not need to take them. If you can take him off of some of those drugs, he might behave better but you will need to do your research and confront the doctors who always try to push lots and lots of drugs on elderly patients. So sorry that you are going through this unwanted incident with your dad.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
My dearest Mom tries often (she's incredibly unpredictable and quick) to touch my bum or deeper (naughtier still; most often with my back turned cooking). My reaction is to gently slap or hand away and say only my future girlfriend or wife can touch, certainly not my Mother. Thankfully it usually works (she hasn't touched those areas for awhile now). Locks, avoidance, and reminders are definite assets. Good luck (I'd love to hear what neurology states). Much love all!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
My dad hasn't been aggressive beyond trying to kiss me as a "girlfriend" but it's psychologically disturbing when you're together all day and they treat you as a girlfriend and not the daughter. He too acts totally different out in public which is why I try to keep him out of the house as much as possible. He's only been aggressive but not violent when I wouldn't give him the keys to the car or take him to the bank (tried to ride a bike there in a foot of snow) - in those times I tell him that I'm going to take a ride and I'll come back when he's nicer. So far that's working but I know that won't always be the case. However, I haven't had to try it yet but a friend that had a family member with dementia said that when they get mean --- feign that you just hurt yourself - something minor like you're knee gave out and sort of act like you're limping or something like that ---- usually they're willingness to help someone in need kicks in and they forget where they were in the aggression. I'm hopeful that will work for us at some point but it worked for her.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Hi my husband had a problem where he was talking dirty constantly almost non stop and we could not change this pattern was also groping caregivers and myself, we discovered it was from his meds!! we slowly took him off of the one he was on (found this out by talking with pharmacist) and he came back to normal thank god, also try to find someone in your area that does NEUROFEEDBACK THIS HAS BEEN HUGE IN HELPING MY HUSBAND WITH THIS THOUGHTS AND MEMORY ALONG WITH HYPERBARIC OXYGEN, EXTREMELY HELPFUL IT HAS BEEN KEEPING HIM FAIRLY NORMAL HE DOES NOT SOME BAD DAYS BUT OVER ALL DON'T KNOW HOW I WOULD HAVE COPED WITHOUT THIS, IT HELPED WITH THE TALKING DIRTY AND GROPING ALOT, HOPE THIS HELPS
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
An assisted living facility that has a memory care (dementia) section will not allow him to leave. Where my mom lives, they give family members a code and you need to key in the code to come and go. Drugs may also help out. When my dad died my mom was calling out to construction workers and "flirting" with my husband and my brother in law. She had always appeared and behaved as a well mannered southern gentlewoman. Oh my, what has come has come out of her lips, in public has floored me to the point that I have wanted to slink down and crawl out of the room. I just chuckle to myself now. Dementia is a traitorous disease/condition. My mom would be mortified if she were aware of her behavior.
Get help before something so bad happens that you will be unable to assist in his care or anyone elses in your life. I don't know about you, but even if his actions weren't as severe as a rape, they could still warp me out mentally and emotionally.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
DeAdra - My dad is in a nursing home, with dementia and further down the road than yours. Been there a year and a half. We could no longer care for him at home. He needed 24 hour care and they live in a one bedroom apartment, so it was not possible. Plus, I feared for my Mom's safety had he fallen, he'd pull her down the next time he fell, no doubt about it. About a year ago, he asked a nurse if he could see her breasts!!! UUUGHHHH!!! I was horrified! The psych doctors told me this happens with some dementia patients. Their inhibition to control these urges is sometimes gone. Its a chemical thing like capnhardass was describing. They see it all the time. They adjusted his meds and as far as I know, it hasn't happened again. When I told him what had happened, a few days later, he not only didn't remember, he was horrified too. Your Dad needs meds.

Now the aggression thing is similar but could be harmful to you if not treated with meds as well. My Dad had that too. Do not walk out of that doctor's office on the 22nd without a prescription or an agreement for him to have a psychiatric evaluation. Plant your ass in the chair until they give you either one. That's what I did!!! Hope this has helped you know you are NOT alone.

xo
-SS
Helpful Answer (15)
Report
I am sorry for this awful situation you are in. Alzheimer units in a care facility are secure. If a good facility he will not be able to leave. If he is physically stronger than you, you are at risk. Would you want to have to injure your father to protect yourself? As one of the the respondents asked, would he want this for you?
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
You poor soul.....my lovely father in law once made a few gentle rubs against my boobs! (Ample as they are), and I knew it was not really him. YOu are a very generous human being, but it needs sorting as a matter of urgency.
It seems clear if he is behaving differently to otyhers that there may be some kind of knowing what he might be doing.
I agree that 'never say never' re the home. True people do not want to do this, but realists understand that sometimes lives throws us some 'curve balls', and we do not get what we want, (and often deserve). Above all, save your sanity.
I LOVED THE COMMENT ABOUT DONNING POLICE GEAR! but you do realise that might be a turn on...only joking. Keep smiling, and will send a hug!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
How icky for you! No one wants to know about their parents' sex life! I don't know how common this is, but I have heard of it on more than one occasion.

Never say never about an institution. If the time comes when you can't go on, don't feel like a failure. People end up getting used to it, and enjoy the company. Most important, they can be safer and you can change from an exhausted drudge to a loving daughter.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
1 2
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter