Dementia Dad wants a vacation. What to do?

Kedwards460: I hear you! I hear you about the trips your mother took at the age you are now, now when you are for all intents and purposes grounded, grounded in order for you to be her caregiver. In my situation I have my stepfather, who is younger than my mother and therefore only ten years older than I am. He's basically told me that his life is over and that it doesn't particularly bother him. But then he not-so-kindly added that he is of the opinion that my life is over too, in his opinion. I'm too nice to have hit him. But I wanted so badly to hit him. And to hit him hard. He is the kind of person who does not listen, who will not listen but he will repeat what he has said several times so that I get the drift. He also does not ever see the other person's point of view. Change of any kind simply freaks him out. He has decided on his own that he wants my mother to remain living in my home because 1: he cannot cook for her and will not learn; and 2: he allowed my mother to gain so much weight over a very short period of time simply by feeding her all sorts of unhealthy, junk food, and because of this he cannot possibly lift her from her bed to her wheelchair and back again at night. At first I tried to help him but I have serious back problems. So now he relies on my husband's help which means that my husband has to be at home, no matter where or what else he might wish to be doing, a minimum of three times a day. My husband has serious medical problems and should not be doing any of this. My husband and I feel trapped in a way we never that was possible. I have concluded that I don't mind my mother in my home, it is my stepfather that is driving me crazy! I moved to be close to my mother only to quickly learn that her preference for almost everything was to do it with my stepfather. This meant the lunch dates and shopping trips and helping her find her little dream cottage and then helping her decorate it, these were my dreams for us; for her these were things she would much rather do with her husband (though in fact neither one of them wanted to buy a house and settle down in Florida; the problem was they both lacked nerve to tell us they really wanted to go back to N.J. In fact she eventually did tell me the truth, that she only said she wanted help to move from N.J. to Florida (destroying in the process my husband's and my very happy and contented life in southern California, standing by silently in 1999 as we sold our ocean-view dream home at a loss just when LA's market was on the verge of finally recovering from the 1990 Bush war and recession) What she really wanted was for her husband to take early retirement, so he would be home with her all of the time. (Neither one of them has ever acknowledged the hurt, personally and the damage, financially, their "marital games" had caused us). Now I am her caregiver, though she's always made at me for some reason or another, and unless something happens to me, I will probably be his, too, since she made me promise her to always treat him like family. I have always done that in the past but each day it is getting more difficult as more and more I want to escape my own house! The last time I begged for a vacation, for some time away, (my husband was very ill also waiting for a hip replacement surgery to be had in Belgium) this need to vent to no one in particular, I fell in my kitchen on Christmas Day, broke my hip (I was in my late 50's) and celebrated New Year's Eve in the hospital. That was my time off, five days in hospital!

Two words. Day Trip. There has to be some great spots near your home. State parks, museums, airports, lakes, a classic car show. A street festival, picnics, a zoo and many more. The long trip is too much for you and him. He may not react well on a plane. Two days in a car is toooooooooooo much. I'm really thinking more of him than you. A day out will exhaust him. Try these suggestions.

Kedwards,
Just want to say that you need to delegate the responsibility that you are under to some other sources: adult daycare, meals on wheels - and what about assisted living? It is obvious you are burned out and miserable - but there are options and alternatives. Perhaps you can go to counseling at your church if you go to one. Pastors and counselors usually have resources to offer. That's their job! I hope that you can find some help - keep searching and pray that God will lessen your load and open the door for some relief and alternative living arrangements for your mother and step-father. Taking care of family members doesn't always mean in your home.

Drive him on the freewway for an hour, pull over, and have him help you with directions on the map....Dad,lets stop and get a soda, and study the map. Im lost...can you help?