I have been dealing with my elderly mother's health issues constantly since her open heart surgery during May, 2009. I have lived and breathed hospitals/chronic care facilities/skilled nursing facilities for almost 3 years. I now have her in our home since October, 2011 and you would think I would now feel as though things are a little easier as I have in-home part-time care and still work. Quite the contrary. I no longer need to drive 33 miles one way to visit her at a chronic care facility. I spent all of the summer of 2009 on leave from my job sleeping at the hospital parking garage and 24-7 keeping close tabs on every step of her care. Frankly, it is because I have made this my life that she is still alive. I have documented every step of her care and have been instrumental in making sure that the right decisions were made. She has COPD, congestive heart failure and is otherwise of a very sound mind at age 85. Today I took off work for the day to accompany her to the GI doctor appointment for an evaluation. She is newly diagnosed with gallstones. She was on a ventilator for 2 years and is considered a "miracle" person to have gotten off of the ventilator, although she has a trach and it is opined she will always have a trach. I am beginning to get angry. For the most part I can deal with things as my job is my outlet and I work full-time. But when I come home from work at 5:30, I want to have some time for me and I am angry that after working 42 years I cannot take vacations and enjoy life. I have sought counseling and I have some close friends who care but I cannot keep venting on this to them as I will cause them to distance. I am not in a good place this morning because I chose to take off work for the day in order to go to this appointment this afternoon but this is yet another example where as a friend of mine explained last night....I chose to have her in my home so I now have the responsibility of a child. I never had children. I never had pets. I worked hard all of my life being a great daughter...taking my mother on trips galore and meeting her every need. I am 61 years old now and today I am just angry. Putting her in a nursing home is not an option. I have had enough personal experience to know that she would not last very long at such a facility as she has already gotten an array of hospital acquired infections and the pulmonologist has advised me to keep her out of the public until spring because of the flu. So this is my new life which is no life. Granted, I have it better than so many others but I am just too angry this morning. My morning will be spent on taking care of her needs. I have to get prescriptions refilled, contact a hospital for medical records, contact her doctor as I can't access their patient portal which I am doing all of the right things. I have one sibling who lives 4 hours away and he is useless. He came down recently prior to Christmas for the first time in 15 months! That was his duty visit. My mother and I have always been close. She is not abusive. She is sweet and is trying her best to have a quality of life. But at my age she was having her life and not taking care of an aging parent. I am sorry. This is hell on earth. I take time for me but this does not negate the fact that I am tied down granted my choice as my friend pointed out last night. Living 24/7 with an aging parent and feeling as though I deserve a life and getting increasingly angry is just what it is. There is no solution. I don't need advice on therapy (done that); making time for me (I do that); because at the end of the day,it is what it is. There is no easy answer. This is my new life. I told a friend recently well I need to leave work now and start my "other job" at home. Her care isn't even that demanding. I give her medications during the eveing and monitor her SATs to determine if she needs oxygen. But I am getting caregiver burnout here and yes I have researched this any nauseum and know all about the signs and suggestions. So I appreciate being able to vent today and I appreciate everyone on this group who can identify to some extent. You all get it. I am just angry today. I am sure it will pass. Tomorrow I return to work and will feel at least for a few hours like I have a life away from home.
Don't ignore your own health problems, there may be things that can be done to help. Don't just put it down to stress although this certainly does make things worse. Take care of yourself and explore alternative care for your daughter at least on a part time basis. It sounds as though you need some down time where you can really look at the future and decide what would be best for you and your daughter. Blessings
Carol
Later in my life, after bad marriage etc. I developed depression and anxiety. Many many years later I was angry, but too scared to acknowledge it fully. Soooo much counseling, that helped some but know as an elderly woman I have learned the hows and whys of depression and anger, anxiety and abandonment..I'm learning to recognize feelings, really for the first time in my life I understand the connection between..fear and anger. depression and abandonment...I hope this rambling will help you as it is me. May God Bless you and help you find peace in this life.
Caregiving can create anger because maybe there was none for you as a child.
If mom is simply physically impaired and mentally sound, you tell her " mom, i can't do this any more. My husband is ill and that's where my first priority lies. I'll help ypu find a senior efficiency apartment, but i can't take care of you any longer". Ask her doctor about what home healthcare services might be available.
If there are mental impairments, you need to ask your local area agency aging for help. You need an assessment of her needs and some guidance about what help is available for financial support, for Assisted Living or NH.
I am glad I can take care of him but he has always been somewhat king of the castle. It is getting worse. It is the little things that drive me crazy. I know I have to change but I worked long and hard to have my own house now to be subject to the whims of someone else.
I am not easy to live with I know but he tells stories to the rest of the family that I have no control of. I am sure I am the pariah of the family now as no one calls and I get no information from the family now. I feel like since mom died the rest of the family died away from me. I took dad in and I am the bad one.
I do not travel back to visit family as I have no place to stay except for hotels and frankly don't have the money since I take care of my dad.
Plus I have to board his dog when I do. He just up and leaves when he wants no bother in the world.
I am somewhat depressed. I cant take vacation because I cant leave him alone long, he leaves doors open, lights on oven on. the dogs out and forgets to bring them back in. He doesn't clean after himself. He just leaves a trail..... It is hard on my wife. So I get the brunt and she gets the upset me.... Now since he is getting involved in activities he is going out to lunch and dinners and at the end of the month I will have to give him money.... I cant afford it, I have to help my kids too..... I am just so burnt out........
To help I have taken steps to improve my health - and set aside some me time. I know it is not enough - but it's a start.
Sorry for the rant - but I feel for you - as we are both in the same place.
You are not a horrible person - just human. I'm trying to deal with depression too and medication doesn't help that much. But then again, I think being depressed in this situation is to be expected. All I want to do is sleep - it's an escape. Fortunately by husband is sleeping more these days.
I read your message and I understand completely how you feel. I wish I could say something to make you feel better. I am in a very similar situation even though my mother is in a nursing home. I hésitate to say this but in a way....you are lucky to have her at home. Would it help you to bring some help in even for a few hours a day or maybe a few times a week so that you could go out and do something for fun or see a movie or anything? I know that at some point all caregivers feel as though they are trapped in this situation and there seems to be no way out. When I'm feeling that way, it usually means that I'm just overtired. Is it possible that you need to get a little more rest than you're getting right now? I know that I used to be more résilient. But, I don't seem to bounce-back like I used to. Maybe I'm a little depressed. Don't know for sure. My only advice is...try to figure out if there's something else going on that you may need help with. And please feel free to reply in case you would like to talk more about this. I think caregivers need caregivers, too! You are not alone.....