Hello! I am 22 years old. Earlier this year my father had to undergo a surgery for a carotid body tumor. It has been my first experience on surgery for a family member. Since last year November I have been in an informal relationship with my partner. She has been a really understanding and great person but the reason for us not taking this ahead was our religious differences coming from a country with strong social influences, we decided not to take it ahead. During my father's surgery, she has been the person to keep my head straight and she supported me throughout the days by staying with my family while the surgery was being done. Four days after my dad's surgery, my partner got a stroke. I have been caring for my father by staying in the hospital and the day I went home, I happened to call her which she luckily managed to answer but not respond to the call. She has been living alone off her home for educational purposes. I was the one to take her to the hospital since no one knew about it. She has got the stroke several hours earlier and has been helpless not being able to move or communicate. She suffered from right side paralysis, couldn't communicate and had to undergo a brain surgery a few days later. She left the hospital after one and a half months where she suffered from complications such as fits and infections. I have played a major role in her recovery by giving her physical and emotional support to the best of my capacity and even more. It has been six months after the stroke now and now she has regained most of her movements and now is able to walk and take part in daily activities at her home. But there is still a long way to go as she completely lost control of her right hand and leg. Ever since this happened, my life has never been the same as I was traumatized by the events which seemed like a sequence. I have been daily visiting her in the hospital to see her in that state, and I pretended to be the most positive person in front of her and her family. I had to take care of my father being the only son in my family and I had a hard time balancing both. Ever since these events happened, I have been the only caregiver for her except for her parents. Since she left the hospital we have been in a long distance relationship and we haven't met ever since then. Then things started to change slowly with her behaviour and we had issues regarding those. I was accused of being overly sensitive, overthinking etc which made me feel like I'm losing my head. Cause of the Corona Virus lockdowns, I haven't been able to balance my life with my usual life and I am facing my final exams in my undergraduate degree. I have realized, with all the surrounding circumstances, I am prone to depression. I have been questioning my self and my self worth, I barely have control over my mind, I have a hard time reasoning out things logically, I feel like my mind isn't responsive, and I'm get lost in the middle of conversations and arguments, I repeat the same things over and over again when speaking and I read a lot on the internet about everything. At this point, I simply don't know how to explain myself properly, cause I am unable to process that. I have been thinking of my authenticity, self worth and questioning myself constantly. I had several issues with my partner for the way she behaved in the relationship, and I ultimately tried to avoid any disputes. I was accused of being too weak, needy, that I'm losing my head, that I need to take CT scans or to see a psychiatrist. She has been my partner and I have done my best for her. I think all these events have taken a huge toll on me mentally more than physically. I simply find it hard to put my experience into words. I really don't want to reach out for help cause I believe in handling situations on my own and within my circle, not on the internet. But I thought of reading on caregivers being vulnerable for depression and I think any ideas might help me sort out this situation.
Good luck with your exams and come back to talk anytime!
At 22 years of age you have been through so much and are experiencing trauma from all of it which is one of the reasons for so much self-doubt, feeling like your mind is unresponsive and getting lost in the midst of conversations/arguments. It was your first experience with your dad having surgery and then your girlfriend having a stroke. I give you credit for stepping up to help them both and helping yourself by seeing a psychiatrist.
I hate to say it but, your relationship with your girlfriend sounds toxic - the slow behavior changes you are seeing should be red flags to you - don't ignore them. Try not to force the relationship to continue as it's sounding like it's very one-sided and I think you've been taken advantage of. Also, it might be helpful for you to look up the term "gaslighting" as it sounds like she may be projecting onto you what are actually things that are going on within her. When someone suddenly starts "accusing" you of being too weak, needy, losing your head, needing CT scans and/or a psychiatrist - you are being emotionally and psychologically abused. Don't allow it - you are young enough and have your whole life ahead of you to find someone who will and can care about you the same way you care about them.
I think in light of everything that has happened in your life this year, you need to take a step back, think things through, slow down and get back on track. Hopefully, seeking professional help and being prescribed anti-anxiety medication will help you do just that. And yes, caregivers are prone to going through depression, anger, resentment, anxiety and their own physical/emotional issues among many other things! May you gain back your sense of "self" - this too, shall pass!
And, you certainly won't be alone.
And, stop taking ownership of problems that are other people's responsibility. It's great that you are a supportive and engaged person, and it's great that your sort-of partner is the same, and it's incredibly hard luck (assuming she's broadly your age) that she had a disabling stroke. But you say you're her only caregiver "apart from her parents" - well, that's quite a big exception, isn't it? They're her parents. Let them be in charge. You are also, at 22, not the right person to lead your father's care. Be involved, care, give them your attention; but get your priorities straight. Start with students' services at your place of learning.
Because of what you have written about how you are feeling, I urge you to break up with her and move on with your life. She has serious issues to deal with, and she's treating you like an emotional punching bag. I don't see how the two of you can be present for each other when you and she have such heavy, divergent burdens of your own.
You need to think about the future you want for yourself. Is she really the type of person you want to make a part of your family? You state that you have religious differences, which is another hurdle to overcome.
I'd be concerned that there was some permanent injury with your partner and perhaps, she's not thinking clearly. Don't let her substitute her judgment for yours. Trust yourself and do what you feel is right. The right thing will never let you down. My grandmother always taught me to do the right thing, even if it's not popular and don't let anyone cause you to feel inferior. Some people are negative and cannot be pleased, no matter what you do. When you truly love and care for someone, you build them up and support them in their good health.
I'd be very careful to make sure you are with a person that doesn't bring you down. Caregiving can be very exhausting. There is something that is referred to as caregiver fatigue. You can ask your doctor about it. I'd get a complete check up to make sure, you're physically healthy too. I hope things go well with your counseling. It's such a great thing to do for your own self-care. Good luck with your exams.
You say that your relationship with your partner is informal, so why do you feel like you have to be the one to care for her? Sounds like you might just need to cut your losses and move on. Being a caregiver to a stroke patient isn't easy. I know. My husband had a massive stroke 24 1/2 years ago which left him paralyzed on his right side, unable to speak and read well. It has been very challenging over the years, and his health has continued to decline. But he is my husband, not my "partner", so I do what I have to do and honor my wedding vows. You really don't owe your partner anything, and I am not sure why you think you do. Let her family take care of her. You owe it to yourself to take care of you, your education and your father. That's it. And if that means to get some counseling to help you sort things out, that's ok too. We all need help sometimes and it's ok to ask for it. You're very young. Please enjoy this time of your life!
Wishing you peace and joy in the days, weeks and months ahead.
Boy, this all happened at a bad time with the virus going on. I think it was nice she supported you but I don't really think that you were in the position where u could really be there for her. What I see with you is stress. Stress can do to you everything you discribe. So can anxiety. You are trying to be everything to everyone and you can't do it all and stress is the reaction to it all. So, you need to sit down and figure what is really important.
How is Dad doing? Can you back away a little from his care? Can you put off your exams for a few months? In my opinion, you have nothing in common with this person to make a life long committment. Maybe its time to tell her you need to concentrate on Dad and your final exams. That at this point, your relationship is not working and its for the best that you just break it off. Yes, she will be hurt, but its one less thing you need to stress out about. To be honest, this is not how a relationship should go. You shouldn't have to constantly be working at it. And its not worth your self esteem. This is a life lesson, you need to realize when its no longer good for you. That goes for relationships and jobs. You are going to need to learn that you cannot be everything to everyone. For now, your exams are priority.
I suggest you see your primary doctor. Tell him what you wrote here. For now, maybe he can give you something to help with the Stress/anxiety. Just to get you thru your exams. But, don't put off talking to your friend. You may find that its a big weight off your chest.
Please come back and tell us how it all works out. And please be aware, we can't do it all. We sometimes need help.
Depression is a treatable condition. Have you sought out treatment from your primary care physician, who might refer you to a psychiatrist for medication and a social worker or psychologist for talk therapy?
It sounds as though you have a great deal of worrisome issues on your plate. You need and deserve support right now. Your doctor is the place to start!