In one month, I'm moving my mom into our home. We have a small house, 3 bedrooms and 1 bath. We have to rearrange half our house, move our office so that Mom can have the most convenient room closest to the bathroom.
We're both fairly young and we're childless in our mid to late 30's. Due to my parent's poor retirement planning and lack of savings, we can't keep Mom in assisted living anymore. Being the only child with a stable home, I volunteered to take her in. My brothers are over 300 miles away. One helps financially, but I'm estranged from the other. So, no one is nearby for immediate relief if needed. I'm anxious and scared to be responsible for her health, but who else will? She's not social so Adult Day Care is out.
Mom has Type 1 Diabetes, a swollen foot that needs constant exercise and massaging, her kidneys are stable, but could fail. It seems to be OK with proper diet. She suffers from incontinence, but is strong enough to perform her own transfers and wheel herself around. She makes a mess occasionally, and that needs to be mopped up right away when it happens. She's not suffering from dementia, but can be quite stubborn in her ways and LOVES to YELL when she wants your attention. Seriously, it drives me bonkers. I ask her to "ask nicely", but she doesn't get it.
I've seen to her care briefly in spurts. Managing her medication and food and light cleaning. And in the past she's had care-takers handle major chores, bathing and such. Now she'll be under my care 24/7 and I know it's going to be different.
My husband and I work full-time in our day jobs and when we come home, we're working on our small business as illustrators. We don't intend on losing the ground we've covered in our dream job. Also, it will be hard to have a loss of privacy. I'm worried how this will affect us intimately and personally. How do we find time for ourselves while still being attentive caregivers?
So, from those out there, did you eventually hire help? At max, I can probably only afford 9 hours a week of home-care help. Do you think that's enough to cover for someone who can clean,dust, change bedding and handle her bathing?
Any experts out there on IHSS?
There's a part of me that wants to try that but I think that will just make him want to stay even more I'm so confused Because I can sit and have quality conversations with him even if they are repeat and it wears me out listening I just need to know your thoughts on letting him come home and Watch him go downhill in his home like I think he wants
I don't work but take care our home inside and out plus maintain dad's big yard
It makes since that I be caregiver for him I think in his eyes but will also say he only needs me sometimes
It will be 24/7
I know he will get worse if he comes home
Do I let him return...go off most meds?...let it go...let his health/safety decline...let nature take its course??
DON'T MOVE MOM in with you!!!! It sounds very manageable on paper, and I applaud your good intentions--BUT, it will be a disaster. Do you actually know how long it takes to clean a bathroom (or the hall or wherever) someone has had an "accident"? Are you ready to take all of your vacation and personal days off because you will be, for mom's increasing care. Are you ready to basically give up your life for hers? Because that is what you are stepping in to.
Wound care in a diabetic is almost a FT job in itself. My FIL in his last months, had several oozing wounds. I had to drive to his condo at LEAST twice a day and remove the bandages, debride the wound (he'd be either writhing in pain or actively yelling) and reapply an entire tube of antibiotic ointment and reapply the layers of gauze and tape. This took well over an hour, each time. I also took him breakfast and dinner each day. Also took him to the dr's or to the ER if needed.
You have no idea what you're in for. I told hubby I would work another job before I would bring his sick dad in to live with us, and his dad was, in general a real sweetie.
I will not even go into the cleaning (daily) of his bathroom. He was frequently bowel incontinent. Needless to say, after he passed, I threw away my carpet cleaner. The smells alone--I will never forget.
Do whatever you can to keep mom in LT care. It may not be what she wants, but we rarely get what we "want" in life.
Please, all of you thinking about brining your parent home to live with you, Think, because Everything Will Change, and even though you love them very much, it is not in your or your parents best interest, or that of your spouse and kids, to give up your lives to care for them in your home.
My own situation was different than most, in that there were six of us caring for our ailing parents, as well as many grown Grandchildren helping, which clearly isn't the norm, but it does in fact "take a village", and if you don't have oodles of money, or loads of family help, it just is not fair, to do this to yourself, especially when you are in your highest wage earning years. It stops you dead in your tracks, cripples you financially, and takes a huge toll on all of your relationships, your marriage, and your personal health!
You can do everything possible in the way of loving them, and seeing to their wellbeing, but bringing them into your home is instant insanity, from one who has had their FIL in her home for the past 13 years!
We are turning this train wreck around, moving my FIL into Assisted living this coming June, and it cannot come soon enough! I honestly don't know if we can repair and regenerate our own relationship at this point, but we are going to do our best, but a lot of damage has been done to our 33 year relationship, I just don't know. I second guess this decision every day, it's agonizing, this feeling of "letting him down", and pray we are doing the right thing, but I do know, it's the best thing for all involved, and we thankfully have our 4 kids support in this decision.
In retrospect, an ALF for the both of them would have been the better choice. We kids would all have had to chip in every month to make it affordable, but I would HAPPILY have thrown a few hundred bucks a month their way to keep them "independent".
Brother really, really regrets this decision. Personally, as sweet as all my 5 kids are and ALL of them have said "Oh mom, you could live with us!" they see the energetic 60 yo mom who can babysit, mow their lawn and clean their house. If I was needing to live with them, I'll be the cranky, nasty, entitled old biddy whom they will come to resent. Getting old hurts, in more ways than one. I don't want my kids to see that up close. I plan to put MYSELF into an ALF if I make it to 80.
That being said, its looking more likely Mom won't need to move in so far from her home town to stay with me. And it's true and I'm not in denial over it -- she needs Skilled Nursing for her own safety and everyone agrees. Things are moving forward, so fingers crossed.