My Father passed away almost two years ago. My Mother has always been difficult and a very negative person. My Dad was the buffer and the loving caring parent. I live two hours away from her and have a family of my own. I do visit her every few months and I also have her here for a week at a time throughout the year. She lives in a rural area but one sister lives a block away and another sister lives in a nursing home. My brother and his wife live 5 minutes away from her and she goes there several times a month for dinner. She also has several friends that she does see once in awhile. Over the weekend, I was in her town attending a bridal shower and took her with me to shower and then spent several hours at her house. I was with her for a total of eight hours. I told her that I might sleep over but then I decided to drive home because it is more comfortable for me . She got angry and started to cry and was almost begging me to stay because she is so lonely. But whenever we mention therapy or some other solution to this problem she shuts it down. My brother and I cannot take my Father's place and be with her all of the time and drive her around and take her shopping. We both have families and other responsibilities. Due to her difficult negative personality , neither my sister in law nor my husband will agree to living with her so having her move in with either of us is not an option. I'm not sure what else I can.
If the local zoning people get after her about the yard, you can present the solution of paying for a lawn care company, or paying the town fines. Those will be her two options, not one-time or ongoing lawn care by her family.
If she's lonely, she can sell her house and use the money along with her investments to move to a senior community. If she says no, that's her decision, so she can't blame her children. DO NOT move her in with any of you, or any of you move in with her, because it still won't make her happy and it will make whoever takes her in incredibly unhappy.
Look up Mel Robbins's "Let Them" videos online. Her health or cognition may decline to a point that she can be diagnosed and your POA can be activated. But until then, really, just let it go.
Next, her PoA or daughter(s) need to get her in to see her primary doctor for her free annual Medicare wellness exam. Whoever accompanies her needs to go with a pre-written note describing their relationship to your Mom and what worrisome symptoms you are seeing, like crying and anxiety, so for sure depression) and discretely hand it to the receptionist or nurse. Whoever accompanies her needs to stay in the room during the entire exam uwing the therapeutic fib that they are "taking notes". Your Mom needs to be give a cognitive exam.
If she is a candidate for meds then she might be easier to convince to downsize to a facility -- maybe the one her other sister is already in. She needs to be told that living with any of her children is not an option and that no one is able to manage 2 households, so staying in her home is also not an option. You don't need to argue or try to reason with her -- it won't work.
If your Mom doesn't currently have a PoA assigned: do not give her a cognitive exam until this happens. The siblings should probably discuss who is willing and able to be her Durable PoA for financial and medical. Do not have 2 people share 1 role especially if you're not local to each other or if there's any stresses at all in the sibling relationships.
If she refuses to assign a PoA she needs to be informed that in this instance she is most likely to have a court assign a 3rd party legal guardian (and it won't be any of her children) and this guardian will then be making all the decisions.
Stop trying to appease her. She obviously doesn't understand or care the impact that becoming her full-time manager will have. Caregiving happens on the caregiver's terms or burn out is inevitable.
You aren't responsible for her happiness. She had her whole life to prepare for this time and chose not to. Make sure you and your siblings know your boundaries with her or she will drain you emotionally, mentally and financially.
She’s rejecting all the real solutions that exist for her stated problems (loneliness, overgrown yard), and instead insisting it is someone else’s problem to fix for free — namely, you and your siblings.
Don’t try. I have to remind myself of this all the time. If a person rejects 99% of all your suggestions— you are beating your head against the wall and should stop.
It’s hard to lose a spouse. It’s hard to be old. It’s hard to change. But throwing yourself at your adult children is not the solution.
You sound like you love your mom, but know her and yourself well and have good boundaries. So my advice is KEEP THEM.
I wonder if there's some cognitive impairment going on Juju? Has she been to the doctor for a full medical workup lately? Refusing to have the lawn cared for may be a sign of dementia, not just being a cheapskate.
does that include you?
It's okay to use them as an excuse.
However, finding a better solution to her loneliness, I agree with Lealonnie.
Then, if one is still lonely with people around, it is because she lost her husband
only two years ago. That's a difficult adjustment that you cannot fix.
So, maybe try Senior Living or even Assisted Living at 84 and difficult.
Good luck to you.