My father went into a care home at the beginning of the pandemic and we all know how difficult that was for our loved ones. Having been an active member of the community and a volunteer for many clubs and associations for the previous 17 years, he was completely cut off by nearly all of his ‘friends’. Once restrictions began to ease, I emailed them to provide details of Dad's condition, how they could visit, etc., but in over 2 years he has had only 1 friend visit him or offer to take him out (except for myself and my brother). For most people, it would be a 30 minute trip there and back. I have tried to ascertain the reasons. Someone told me “out of sight, out of mind,” another one, “I don’t go that way often,” and one friend was brutally honest saying, “many people our age don’t want to be reminded of where we might end up!” i.e Care Home. He is now on end of life pathway, which, of course, is very emotional for me.
So my question is this - should I give them all the opportunity to pitch up at his funeral and have a jolly get together afterwards when they couldn’t be bothered to offer friendship in his hour of need? Or, should I arrange a private funeral and only invite those who have been supportive? I feel quite angry about this, but I don’t know if I’m just too emotionally involved? Honest answers please! I can take it!
Your dad's friends are seniors. Most likely their health has declined much in the last 2 years due to social isolation.
The reasons that some of his friends gave you are all good reasons. Put yourself in their shoes. If you were an elderly person whose physical and mental health, and memory are slipping. If you didn't see your friends for 2 years, you would probably not think about or remember them.
As for the "I don't go that way often" reason, most elderly don't go anywhere often anymore. The elderly people that I know avoid going out except to medical appointments.
Your dad's friends didn't stop visiting due to any bad intentions on their part. It's just how (COVID) life is. Change is constant. Be grateful they cared about ypur dad enough to visit him regularly prior to COVID. Many people don't have any visitors.
As for inviting them to dad's funeral, I would extend an invitation, but I wouldn't expect them to come for the same reasons they gave you. Maybe some will come to say good bye and pay respect. Be grateful if they do come because it takes effort for them to get to the funeral and it might be the last time you see them alive.
Firstly, don’t take offense at what I write, but you are expecting things that your dear father’s old-time friends are obviously unable to give, such as driving to visit and socialize with him in person. That is a monumental hill for them to climb (metaphorically) after which they would struggle to entertain an ill man with dementia.
You said your dad couldn’t follow the conversation on Zoom calls. I imagine it wouldn’t be too easy on the elderly friends to try to keep a conversation rolling with your dad.
Therefore I propose that you write personally to each of your dad’s old buddies, and include a sheet of paper and a self-addressed, stamped envelope*. Explain to each old friend what you explained to us, that dad is lonely, nearing the end of his life, and is remembering his old friends fondly. Ask each friend to write a letter or note to your dad which you can read to him. Recommend topics such as “my fondest memory of a great time with dad” or “the time I laughed the loudest at dad’s antics” or “the biggest scrape we got into together” or whatever topics you think will spur the old friends to write.
Make clear to each old friend that dad is nearing the end of his long, fruitful, wonderful life and that “funeral will be for family and close friends only”. Then any oldster who really will want to attend a future funeral can contact you to make clear that he or she would be honored to attend the funeral. The others who might like to, but are too physically frail themselves, will feel relieved to be off the hook and not expected to appear at a funeral, no matter how much they loved your dad.
And it sounds like your dad really is lovable!
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* I recommend you enclose a self-addressed, stamped envelope and paper to make it easy on the friends. Old people are trying to downsize and probably years ago got rid of letter paper, plus writing may be easier for the elderly to do than to phone and not be able to themselves hear or understand. Rather than an ephemeral phone call, you will have beautiful written fond memories to read to your dad, and to keep and comfort you.
You said “…in over 2 years he has had only 1 friend visit him or offer to take him out…”
You are expecting great kindness and personalized attention from all your dad’s previous friends and acquaintances, forgetting that they too are facing getting old and frail and in ill health, or no longer drive, or don’t have money to squander on fuel and bringing a gift when visiting (yes, older people still adhere to fine manners such as bringing a gift when visiting, and the older friends might be in straightened circumstances and feel unable to visit)
Don’t forget to extend all of your own efforts to be a good friend to the one acquaintance who tried to stay friendly with your dad. You expect big things from the elderly others, so you should be a generous person and extend all that (and more) to the one old friend who actually DID show up. Are you being a solicitous friend to that person? If not, why not?
You quoted “do unto others”. I think a number of us reading here are keen to hear what you’ve been doing for all the other frail elderly people who you are expecting to step up for your father.
I also read with exasperation that you give your brother “a pass” on not visiting your dad very often. You said he “doesn’t do his share. But he has Asperger’s and changing his plans and reading other peoples emotions doesn’t feature in his life.” That is laughable. Why is your brother’s status given slack and a pass by you AND HE IS A BLOOD RELATIVE, and you don’t give a pass to elderly people who aren’t related?
I'm sorry this is harsh, but I hope it will help you take a step back on lashing out at basically your father’s entire previous world.
I am a very private person and would not want my friends coming to see me when I am not in control of my faculties. I know that may seem odd to some, but that is how I feel.
My mom has dementia and is in memory care. Her brothers live here in town and do not go to see her. If I pick her up and host something at my home, one of them might come for a short visit, but other than that, they don't go see her. Prior to my moms diagnosis, I had never been around someone with dementia. It can be unsettling to people....you never know who she thinks you are or what is going to come out of her mouth.
Don't take the actions of your dads friends personally. When your dad passes, post his funeral and let those who want to pay their respects come.
The volunteering was was not ‘work’, but providing entertainment for others, organising trips, chairing meetings - he was the most entertaining speech maker. He went to the pub with friends every Thursday, drove friends to hospital appointments and took a few female friends on holidays, theatre trips and meals - he was very generous. This is why it hurts me, to know that he would’ve been there for them and really, as a daughter, I’m not the best day in day out company for an 81 year old man. He wanted to go to the pub with friends. He hated being on his own since my Mum died. I took him to a friends funeral a couple of months ago, he said he had a lovely day because he was able to see and talk to his buddies. But they haven’t been in touch since, When their hour of need comes, I wonder how they will feel when everyone stops calling? Loneliness is a killer for old people. I do think they should be ashamed - it takes very little to show kindness, Care homes are as protected as they can be having all had vaccinations. Initially visiting only through windows standing outside, then pods with glass dividers so no touch allowed, isolating residents after hospital stays for 10 days and regular testing - they couldn’t be anymore protected. The loneliness was terrible for them and they couldn’t understand why it was happening. Can you imagine. My Dad was trying to escape, would pay anyone to take him out. It’s not about me feeling sorry for myself and not understanding what it likes to get old as some on here have said. I’ve seen it and I was only thinking of Dad when I was asking them to consider visiting him. I am floored by their lack of compassion.
May your grief journey begin to move forward.
take care x
We all wind up facing our own mortality many, many times during the course of our lifetimes. Frequently, in fact. Death is part of life, whether we choose to acknowledge it or deny it, whether we're afraid of it or embrace it. Showing respect to a loved one or a friend in THEIR time of need should override our fear or whatever other excuse we may have for not showing up for them, in my opinion. We owe it to them to be there, whether it bothers us or not. If we can show up for weddings and parties, we can show up for illnesses and times of need, too. Fair weather friends aren't real friends at all. Real friends & loved ones are there for the good times AND the bad times, too.
As far as the "Covid" excuse #1,343,399 goes, after a liver transplant & being drastically immuno-compromised for the foreseeable future, my DH was told by the MAYO CLINIC to go on with his regular life; not to sequester himself inside the house & hide, but to simply wear a mask when going out & wash his hands frequently. Moving right along..........
I personally think you should arrange a private funeral and only invite those people you'd like to see in attendance. What's the point in inviting others who haven't cared up until now? Memorialize your father the way YOU want to and in a way that would best help you through a difficult day. When my dad died, he lived in an ALF and I had a gathering in the activities room with desserts, drinks & music from Italy (his birthplace) and anyone who wanted to come (from the ALF) could come. The family was invited separately.
Wishing you the best of luck moving forward.
I agree with the approach for your DH - we must now get on with life, otherwise we would never walkout of our front door again. Life is for living, particularly when you have faced ill health. Human kindness doesn’t cost anything, Covid has affected ALL OF US, it does not discriminate, I’m tired of it being dished up as an excuse now. We can all test ourselves if we are worried about putting others at risk, which is what we and all of our friends do before we get together (we are in our 50s/60s) That’s sensible - like hand washing and mask wearing.
To quote a famous book, “Do unto others….”
Wishing you well.
It's all one sided? Really? Let's see.
"I took him to the pub for a lunch gathering once."
Your dad attended, so did his friends. Everyone put in the effort. How was it ONE sided? Say, if you and some friends of yours met up for lunch somewhere. After that, you think each of one of them now owes you a visit because you showed up? Didn't they show up, too? How about you owe each of them a visit because they showed up?
"I took him to the funeral of a close friend just 3 months ago."
Well, I hate to agree, but yes, this is one sided as the dead friend can't get up and go visit your dad even if he wanted to. But for you to expect a reciprocal gesture is too funny.
"I wrote on 3 occasions to friends asking them to visit as he was lonely."
How is this even a 'side'? You wrote, and you requested.. Neither you or your dad visited them or did anything FOR them. You just wrote and requested something FROM them.
You said you have softened your thoughts towards his friends. Hmmm..., I think your thoughts are still VERY UNREASONABLE.
Not to be all harsh and no compassion, It is very evident that you love your dad a great deal and all you can think about is him and how to lessen his suffering. You are a good daughter.
I will tell you honestly that people who were once "friends" for me, were lost contact with over time when our paths diverged, when we weren't doing the same things, going the same places, working at the same place, or when we moved a bit farther away. It was gradual, and eventually it just "happened" and they were down to Christmas Card contacts.
If there were mental changes for your Dad, then he wasn't the same person they "knew". Family sticks through that, but even for family it isn't easy, and they don't often stick well.
We are what we are and most of us have human limitations. We all know the "special people" in our lives, and can treasure them, and forgive the others, at best.
I am so very sorry for your having to bear witness to your Dad's decline and that it hurt the more to see his loss of his friends, and sorry for your coming loss. Your Dad was lucky to have YOU, and I bet toward the end YOU were the most of what he wanted. For my own parents, toward the end, friends could be a "burden" in all honesty, making them feel their own deficits, that they couldn't "do for them" when they visited. There was a sort of "discomfort" and I think your Dad's friend had it more right than one would like, that you are sitting with a reminder of what's to come, of what has been lost. As a nurse, I was comfortable with the stages of life as my entire life was bearing witness to them, but that isn't so for everyone.
Yours is such an interesting question.
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