My father went into a care home at the beginning of the pandemic and we all know how difficult that was for our loved ones. Having been an active member of the community and a volunteer for many clubs and associations for the previous 17 years, he was completely cut off by nearly all of his ‘friends’. Once restrictions began to ease, I emailed them to provide details of Dad's condition, how they could visit, etc., but in over 2 years he has had only 1 friend visit him or offer to take him out (except for myself and my brother). For most people, it would be a 30 minute trip there and back. I have tried to ascertain the reasons. Someone told me “out of sight, out of mind,” another one, “I don’t go that way often,” and one friend was brutally honest saying, “many people our age don’t want to be reminded of where we might end up!” i.e Care Home. He is now on end of life pathway, which, of course, is very emotional for me.
So my question is this - should I give them all the opportunity to pitch up at his funeral and have a jolly get together afterwards when they couldn’t be bothered to offer friendship in his hour of need? Or, should I arrange a private funeral and only invite those who have been supportive? I feel quite angry about this, but I don’t know if I’m just too emotionally involved? Honest answers please! I can take it!
Our LOs suffered terribly during the pandemic, but the caregivers who loved them have suffered too.
You are entitled to celebrate the love you felt for your father exactly as YOU and your brother wish.
Plan a lovely peaceful reflective gathering to honor your father’s loss, and invite only those whom you believe will sustain your family and give YOU comfort.
You may prefer in the future to forgive those who didn’t honor him appropriately during his later life. ALL Senior adults felt the worries and deprivations of involuntary shut downs, and some of your father’s friend may actually have been afraid to subject themselves to ANY risk of infection.
Forgiveness is sometimes a gift you give to yourself, even as the injured party.
Peace and comfort to you during the difficult moments facing you.
Your dad's friends are seniors. Most likely their health has declined much in the last 2 years due to social isolation.
The reasons that some of his friends gave you are all good reasons. Put yourself in their shoes. If you were an elderly person whose physical and mental health, and memory are slipping. If you didn't see your friends for 2 years, you would probably not think about or remember them.
As for the "I don't go that way often" reason, most elderly don't go anywhere often anymore. The elderly people that I know avoid going out except to medical appointments.
Your dad's friends didn't stop visiting due to any bad intentions on their part. It's just how (COVID) life is. Change is constant. Be grateful they cared about ypur dad enough to visit him regularly prior to COVID. Many people don't have any visitors.
As for inviting them to dad's funeral, I would extend an invitation, but I wouldn't expect them to come for the same reasons they gave you. Maybe some will come to say good bye and pay respect. Be grateful if they do come because it takes effort for them to get to the funeral and it might be the last time you see them alive.
Although she would absolutely light up when she would get occasional visitor, she endured struggles largely on her own. I was glad to be there for her, felt sorry to be the best she had. I see the same kind of future in my life, I an only hope to have her strength.
I can completely understand both of the options, please consider your loved ones wishes. Don’t be surprised if they would forgive the negligence. I would also caution that no one ever regretted someone attending the funeral of a loved one, but they will forever regretful of those who weren’t able to attend.
It would be so great not to be in this situation, if only people would know the wonderful joy they can give another person by spending a little time.
Let people know you are having a service but just the funeral no food or anything afterwards. That is common now. It's not your job to entertain or host people after a funeral.
I will tell you honestly that people who were once "friends" for me, were lost contact with over time when our paths diverged, when we weren't doing the same things, going the same places, working at the same place, or when we moved a bit farther away. It was gradual, and eventually it just "happened" and they were down to Christmas Card contacts.
If there were mental changes for your Dad, then he wasn't the same person they "knew". Family sticks through that, but even for family it isn't easy, and they don't often stick well.
We are what we are and most of us have human limitations. We all know the "special people" in our lives, and can treasure them, and forgive the others, at best.
I am so very sorry for your having to bear witness to your Dad's decline and that it hurt the more to see his loss of his friends, and sorry for your coming loss. Your Dad was lucky to have YOU, and I bet toward the end YOU were the most of what he wanted. For my own parents, toward the end, friends could be a "burden" in all honesty, making them feel their own deficits, that they couldn't "do for them" when they visited. There was a sort of "discomfort" and I think your Dad's friend had it more right than one would like, that you are sitting with a reminder of what's to come, of what has been lost. As a nurse, I was comfortable with the stages of life as my entire life was bearing witness to them, but that isn't so for everyone.
Yours is such an interesting question.
The volunteering was was not ‘work’, but providing entertainment for others, organising trips, chairing meetings - he was the most entertaining speech maker. He went to the pub with friends every Thursday, drove friends to hospital appointments and took a few female friends on holidays, theatre trips and meals - he was very generous. This is why it hurts me, to know that he would’ve been there for them and really, as a daughter, I’m not the best day in day out company for an 81 year old man. He wanted to go to the pub with friends. He hated being on his own since my Mum died. I took him to a friends funeral a couple of months ago, he said he had a lovely day because he was able to see and talk to his buddies. But they haven’t been in touch since, When their hour of need comes, I wonder how they will feel when everyone stops calling? Loneliness is a killer for old people. I do think they should be ashamed - it takes very little to show kindness, Care homes are as protected as they can be having all had vaccinations. Initially visiting only through windows standing outside, then pods with glass dividers so no touch allowed, isolating residents after hospital stays for 10 days and regular testing - they couldn’t be anymore protected. The loneliness was terrible for them and they couldn’t understand why it was happening. Can you imagine. My Dad was trying to escape, would pay anyone to take him out. It’s not about me feeling sorry for myself and not understanding what it likes to get old as some on here have said. I’ve seen it and I was only thinking of Dad when I was asking them to consider visiting him. I am floored by their lack of compassion.
May your grief journey begin to move forward.
take care x
I am 72 and will not enter a Nursing home. COVID is still out there and we have no idea we have contracted it until we have symptoms. By that time we have infected other people. The excuse “many people our age don’t want to be reminded of where we might end up!” is a good one. No matter how nice, NHs are depressing.
Really, you can't keep people away from the service. Going to the graveside can be private. You can ask ahead those you would like to be there. Same with the luncheon, you invite who you want. I called those I knew were attending and others I invited during the viewing as they paid their respects.
I was mad at Moms Church and the Minister who felt he did not need to visit parishioners that were homebound. My mother was on committees, did funeral luncheons, and large dinners. The minister had been with us almost 20 yrs. Those who she had gone places with and she considered friends rarely visited if at all. Maybe because it was my home? When Mom passed I had a family friend do her service. Luncheon was invitation only.
Dad has always been there for them. He was a tax attorney and CPA. He did their taxes and drew up their estate plans for nothing. He was always there for him. Years ago, they threw a party to show their appreciation for him.
But now no one calls (that I know of) and no one comes to visit. He lives at home. He's sharp, he just can't remember a damn thing and he's very hard of hearing. So a conversation can be a bit of a struggle.
I acknowledge that we've had a pandemic but he wasn't getting visitors before then either. He can have visitors now. Should I put out a group email inviting them to visit? If no one shows up, I plan to snub everyone of them at the funeral. I am half Italian. I believe in vendetta.
Another reason for not visiting that hasn't been mentioned is that some of these people will have been shielding or semi-shielding themselves and probably weren't keen on visiting potential hotbeds of infection. And, they got out of the habit of going out. It's amazing how many people still aren't back to anything like normal.
Does your Dad want to see anyone special? End of life pathways can be harrowing, but they're less so if you use the time for things he wants to do. If he names individuals, then have no inhibitions about it - you ring them up and ask them to come. Better to ask them *for* something - lunch, a drink, for example - but tell them he wants to see them and make it clear you expect to name a day.
We all wind up facing our own mortality many, many times during the course of our lifetimes. Frequently, in fact. Death is part of life, whether we choose to acknowledge it or deny it, whether we're afraid of it or embrace it. Showing respect to a loved one or a friend in THEIR time of need should override our fear or whatever other excuse we may have for not showing up for them, in my opinion. We owe it to them to be there, whether it bothers us or not. If we can show up for weddings and parties, we can show up for illnesses and times of need, too. Fair weather friends aren't real friends at all. Real friends & loved ones are there for the good times AND the bad times, too.
As far as the "Covid" excuse #1,343,399 goes, after a liver transplant & being drastically immuno-compromised for the foreseeable future, my DH was told by the MAYO CLINIC to go on with his regular life; not to sequester himself inside the house & hide, but to simply wear a mask when going out & wash his hands frequently. Moving right along..........
I personally think you should arrange a private funeral and only invite those people you'd like to see in attendance. What's the point in inviting others who haven't cared up until now? Memorialize your father the way YOU want to and in a way that would best help you through a difficult day. When my dad died, he lived in an ALF and I had a gathering in the activities room with desserts, drinks & music from Italy (his birthplace) and anyone who wanted to come (from the ALF) could come. The family was invited separately.
Wishing you the best of luck moving forward.
I agree with the approach for your DH - we must now get on with life, otherwise we would never walkout of our front door again. Life is for living, particularly when you have faced ill health. Human kindness doesn’t cost anything, Covid has affected ALL OF US, it does not discriminate, I’m tired of it being dished up as an excuse now. We can all test ourselves if we are worried about putting others at risk, which is what we and all of our friends do before we get together (we are in our 50s/60s) That’s sensible - like hand washing and mask wearing.
To quote a famous book, “Do unto others….”
Wishing you well.
Fast forward many years and they still had few friends when my Dad died and my mother is now in a nursing home. My brother and I are the only ones who have ever visited my mother.
Even if she had a wider circle of friends or had been more involved in the community, I personally wouldn't expect regular visits. Going to a care home or hospice is hard, emotionally and mentally. I also think that she loved being involved, it gave her great joy when she was able to do it and that is what is important. She didn't do it with the expectation that there would be a support group for her, she did it because she wanted to. Even if I, or especially my Dad thought otherwise.
If your father has expressed his wishes for his funeral, honor them. If not, I would do what you think is best based on how he lived his life. I know my mother has lived and loved her life by being involved in her community and I will invite anyone who wants to celebrate that to her funeral.
Does he ever pick up the phone to call them?
I think ALL relationships that become one-way will dead end.
See what happens by having dad reach out. They may just surprise you.
Dad has always used a mobile phone, however since he began dementia his ability to use the phone has virtually gone. I ring him every day although now he can’t even answer the phone because either he can’t hear it or he can’t hold it because he us too tired. Over the last year, I have been able to check his phone for missed calls, calls received etc. A handful of family phone and 2 friends.
I have emailed his contacts in June 2021 and March this year to update and explain visiting guidance saying that Dad would love to see friends and a change of face after 2 years of just me and my brother.
No one went.
I have helped Dad join in Zoom meetings, but this didn’t really work because he couldn’t keep pace with the conversation nor get his words out quick enough or loud enough for them to hear. We gave up on that one.
I did take Dad out to meet up with others on 3 occasions. I have to check out the venue beforehand to see if it is accessible for him. Because he is on diuretics, he requires the toilet every 20 minutes, and these occasions are highly stressful if he can’t get there in time.
So for a long time, Dad has been unable to reach out, I have been his voice and for the most part, I feel I have been banging my head against a brick wall.
I don’t like funerals. To my mind many of the statements are hypocrisy, and I don’t like gush. I’m glad to have missed the gush (I was interstate), but also I’m glad that it was good for many people there. I’m sure that they were happier to reminisce than to see him in distress. And it’s too late for effective payback or anger, even if you think people should have done more.
I found a lot of my mom's friends, who hadn't "been there" so to speak while she had been so ill offered me much comfort at her funeral. The cried with me, they laughed with me, they regaled me with stories about her - some that I knew, some that I didn't - and I was truly glad they took the time to come to her funeral. So if you "ban" some of your dad's compatriots, you might be "missing out" on that aspect at his funeral. Now, only you can decide if the possibility of their being able to comfort you in the future outweighs your bitterness at their treatment of your dad now. It's your decision, and I can't say one is right and the other wrong; it's going to have to be based entirely on how you're doing, emotionally.
Not that I am trying to make excuses for your dad's friends' behaviors, but I have found that the influx of social media has impacted so much in how we communicate with each other and the world. I have been "left out of the loop" so to speak, about friends' lives and families' lives because I refuse to engage in Facebook. I can't be angry at my friends if I'm "left out", because I know that's how much of the world communicates now. If I choose to not engage, then it's on me if I don't get information. As long as I'm not getting "blamed" by my friends for not knowing what's going on when they know I don't "do" Facebook, I'm ok with the balance I've struck. It seems to me that people have accepted social media as a substitute for phone calls, visits, etc. And I've seen just as many elderly people use it as a substitute as I've seen younger people do so.
The last bit of advice I'll give is that funerals are for the living, not the dead. You do what gives you and the rest of your family the most comfort, and don't worry about what anyone else's opinion on the matter is.
Many people are acutely uncomfortable visiting nursing homes and hospitals. My mother was one of those, because it triggered something in her from her own mother's death at a relatively young age. Frankly, I was shocked when she and my dad showed up at the hospital when my first child was born, but she did not visit people in nursing homes and hospitals otherwise. She just couldn't.
When she herself was in a nursing home, she was visited by some people from her church whose job it was to visit and by a couple of friends in the first month or so, but then they trickled off. Even though she was still in the general vicinity of her home, I realized that for people her age, just getting one thing accomplished in a day was a big deal. Sometimes it was going to a doctor's appointment or going to the grocery store, so going to visit someone was really beyond their ability. My dad was a very healthy guy, but even for him at that same age (mid-late 80s) one thing knocked of the checklist per day was about it.
My mother outlived most of her friends, and those who were still alive weren't able to get to her funeral, plus it was during Covid, so I don't really know how many would have attended. We had a total of about 30 people there, and a good half were family, but we really appreciated those who did attend. Yes, I wish more people had been attentive to Mom during the years she was failing, but she also had dementia, and people don't know how to handle that either.
My dad, on the other hand, when given his terminal diagnosis, immediately got on the phone to his friends to tell THEM how much they'd meant to him. He had a steady stream of visitors in the six weeks between his diagnosis and his death, and there were 350 people at his funeral. We were astounded at the love and support we received.
It's up to you whether to have a private funeral or not, but I think having one just to give the middle finger to your dad's friends is petty and vindictive. Don't be so judgmental of others, though. As I said, people do what they can do. Leave it at that.
The choice of how to arrange the funeral is, of course, up to you. Do what you feel good about and don't look back.
Sadly, illness has a way of letting you know who your true friends are. However, you might reach out to them to let them know he is at the end of his life and if they want to see him again, they better do it quick or it might be too late. If they show up, then maybe a service and/or get together might be an option.
For the ones who say they don't want to be reminded of where they might end up, perhaps you can arrange a video call with them.
I am a very private person and would not want my friends coming to see me when I am not in control of my faculties. I know that may seem odd to some, but that is how I feel.
My mom has dementia and is in memory care. Her brothers live here in town and do not go to see her. If I pick her up and host something at my home, one of them might come for a short visit, but other than that, they don't go see her. Prior to my moms diagnosis, I had never been around someone with dementia. It can be unsettling to people....you never know who she thinks you are or what is going to come out of her mouth.
Don't take the actions of your dads friends personally. When your dad passes, post his funeral and let those who want to pay their respects come.
Firstly, don’t take offense at what I write, but you are expecting things that your dear father’s old-time friends are obviously unable to give, such as driving to visit and socialize with him in person. That is a monumental hill for them to climb (metaphorically) after which they would struggle to entertain an ill man with dementia.
You said your dad couldn’t follow the conversation on Zoom calls. I imagine it wouldn’t be too easy on the elderly friends to try to keep a conversation rolling with your dad.
Therefore I propose that you write personally to each of your dad’s old buddies, and include a sheet of paper and a self-addressed, stamped envelope*. Explain to each old friend what you explained to us, that dad is lonely, nearing the end of his life, and is remembering his old friends fondly. Ask each friend to write a letter or note to your dad which you can read to him. Recommend topics such as “my fondest memory of a great time with dad” or “the time I laughed the loudest at dad’s antics” or “the biggest scrape we got into together” or whatever topics you think will spur the old friends to write.
Make clear to each old friend that dad is nearing the end of his long, fruitful, wonderful life and that “funeral will be for family and close friends only”. Then any oldster who really will want to attend a future funeral can contact you to make clear that he or she would be honored to attend the funeral. The others who might like to, but are too physically frail themselves, will feel relieved to be off the hook and not expected to appear at a funeral, no matter how much they loved your dad.
And it sounds like your dad really is lovable!
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* I recommend you enclose a self-addressed, stamped envelope and paper to make it easy on the friends. Old people are trying to downsize and probably years ago got rid of letter paper, plus writing may be easier for the elderly to do than to phone and not be able to themselves hear or understand. Rather than an ephemeral phone call, you will have beautiful written fond memories to read to your dad, and to keep and comfort you.