My mum is 87, a covert narcissist with whom I have always had a troubled relationship, but who moved to live in an AL near us and has shifted responsibility for her life to us (without asking if we minded!). My brother, who lives 25 miles away, and I always took it in turns to have her with us for Christmas after our dad died. But she now says she doesn't like going to their house for various reasons, most of which my brother has made efforts to overcome. As my mother is not a sociable person she won't go to the Christmas dinner provided by her AL. So we are left feeling obliged to have her here every year, even though we have three children and four grandchildren in different parts of the country and they like to come to stay too.
You might say it's not much to ask, having an old lady over once a year, and that's true (we do an awful lot else for her as well). But it's the sense of obligation and the perceived unfairness that niggle me: do my husband and I have the moral 'right' to choose what we do, which may involve going away with our own family one year, or do we have to put Mum's wishes first?
(LOTZ of them in black and white pictures!!!)
I remember having feelings of being left out when I was younger because they often went to my brothers' home in Ind. We were in WI. Then, as they grew older, they started having "church folks" (without families around) to their home instead of trying to travel in WI (or IN winters). People weren't meant to "be alone" at Christmas so they opened theirs. The ham was fragrant at HER house now. About this time, both of our boys were in MI with families of their own (and trees, and church programs, and neighborhood gatherings.) They came home, eventually, but not on the 25th. We learned to grow up and remember the 25 was just a number.......it was that they came at all that made a difference. They always stopped to see Grandma (2 of them for awhile)..........They were brought up to know the importance of a loving family and what joy old folks (yes, us now) took in the attention, seeing pictures of their homes, and seeing babies and toddlers And, yep, as long as dad could click a picture, he did. He'd even take pictures of the license plate.........one from WI, one from IN and 2 from MI.
I know I resented my mom for making plans and either choosing to go to my brothers or have her church family over. It had always been "our" time.
I'm that mother now.
In all practicality, it isn't realistic to be going to MI for us anymore. Our kids are still in MI and they do come.....eventually. They have kids in church activities, other family near-by and enjoy their OWN tree and traditions. Would I be that mom the letter writer didn't seem to have time for? You bet (!) I rather everything be like it used to be! !!!! My way.
Someday, that writer will see an empty chair, or wish mom was there to catch a special moment. It took my dad's passing to realize how horribly I had been resenting mom for not adhering to MY expectations of how the holidays would go.
Have mom over. If not for days, try hours. If she is in assisted living, find some time in the day to share a meal with her. It's a nominal fee and you BOTH will feel the love.(unless the narcissim was hereditary and you feel she imposed on YOU!) She'll love it and someday you'll be glad she got a chance to enjoy what you seemingly are too selfish to share. Look back and see HER in your Christmas photos!
Can you imagine what she would be feeling if she felt she was too much an imposition for you to be "obligated" to include her? My grandchildren LOVE seeing the Great Gram's and hearing the old stories (we have one less to share with them this year.) Can you even imagine, even a self-centered mother, not wanting to make the holidays special for you? What did she deprive you of that you would be this mean-spirited? Getting even because she didn't ask YOUR permission to be near family?
I hope you get a mirror for Christmas.......take a REAL good look and wonder if that person could actually be too busy to include mom. You have an obligation to teach and show YOUR children what you felt YOU missed out on.
I am older and wiser...... no-longer mad at mom for the "inconvenience" I perceived. Hopefully, you can grow up too, before you look back and there is someone missing from the pictures from your holiday memories!
Lets be honest. There is an astronomical difference with having loved ones at your home 24/7, to having them live outside with outside care 24/7. I don't think I need to explain the difference.
I recall one daughter's story from a few years back. Both parents were in a facility, but demanded that she bring them home cooked meals every day, and stay to help her father eat since he couldn't feed himself. From what I've heard, it's rare that a facility truly provides for all the person's needs, and even rarer for a senior to be content with what the facility provides and not expect family members to be on call to provide whatever the facility does not.
She certainly did not care for her mother one jot less than I did.
And when you visit them, you are coming from a different place, emotionally and physically, it is more of a social get together. They may ask you for something, yes, or you may feel obligated to bring something.
My husband's mother was in a facility. They took care of everything. There might be an occasional phone call looking for approval for something, but he did not have to do anything. And when we did visit all her needs were taken care of, everything. Therefor our visits were pleasant.
So I'm confused how you can say it's the same.
LO not living with their caregiver but...
Caregiver on call 24/7 for emergencies, many falls, financies, shopping, deliveries, arranging cleaning, cooking, transport, medical appts, social outings & daily aides.
Many parents with disabled adult children or sibs caring for sibs live this way. Have full responsibility for every aspect of their LO life.