My mum is 87, a covert narcissist with whom I have always had a troubled relationship, but who moved to live in an AL near us and has shifted responsibility for her life to us (without asking if we minded!). My brother, who lives 25 miles away, and I always took it in turns to have her with us for Christmas after our dad died. But she now says she doesn't like going to their house for various reasons, most of which my brother has made efforts to overcome. As my mother is not a sociable person she won't go to the Christmas dinner provided by her AL. So we are left feeling obliged to have her here every year, even though we have three children and four grandchildren in different parts of the country and they like to come to stay too.
You might say it's not much to ask, having an old lady over once a year, and that's true (we do an awful lot else for her as well). But it's the sense of obligation and the perceived unfairness that niggle me: do my husband and I have the moral 'right' to choose what we do, which may involve going away with our own family one year, or do we have to put Mum's wishes first?
I can't tell you how many times the 'not too much to ask' has been incorporated into my life as well and I know exactly what you mean.
Yes, it is 'too much to ask' that you have your Christmas holidays ruined by your fussy, narcissistic, demanding mother.
Perhaps it wouldn't be too much to ask for you to have her for Christmas if you didn't also have the full responsibility of her life as well.
The family should try explaining to your mother that she is lucky that her son will have her for the holidays. She should be grateful that she doesn't have to spent Christmas at her AL facility because she has family to go to. Many seniors don't and they would be mighty happy if they did. If she doesn't understand this reasoning or refuses to, walk away. Let her spend Christmas alone in her AL then. You and your brother should not feel guilty if she chooses to cut off her nose to spite her face as they say.
Have a happy Christmas with your family and don't let your mother ruin it with nonsense.
Thanks for your understanding.
Your health is being negatively affected by your mother. Even though she is in a facility, she is still the puppetmistress pulling your strings in a masterful way.
Instead of having her over for Christmas, can you (as a baby step this year) stop in very briefly on Christmas morning? I think she shouldn't be allowed to dictate where she goes for Christmas -- high time she started demanding to see your brother the Golden Boy.
You can't control your mother's making unreasonable demands on you, but you can control your response. You don't have to be her puppet.
People don't realize how hard it is to host a holiday and be the one caring for the visiting elder too. I made the decision after Christmas 2019 to not have my father over for any more holidays. He could no longer use the bathroom on his own and it was literally a 2 man job to help him out(and I felt awful asking my son to help out). This is definitely something I was not comfortable with. And I swear he planned his bathroom trips at the exact moment we were doing something so I would miss out. I did feel bad about my decision but I was also mad my holiday was ruined having to focus on him 100%. Covid actually made the entire situation easier as it would not have been safe to bring him out. And I was exposed right before Easter so I had to tell everyone to stay home anyway.
You are so right. People don't believe it when we say an elderly parent will 'plan' needing say a bathroom trip to make sure we miss out on something.
My mother will often 'plan' a health crisis requiring a trip to the emergency room or schedule numerous unnecessary appointments with her doctor collection around holidays. If I'm looking forward to something personally she'll 'plan' a health crisis needing an ER visit.
When it's a holiday her health will suddenly start to fail after everyone has gone home. If it's not a holiday, but something I have planned and are personally looking forward to, the health crisis will happen the actual day of.
She's ruined far too many holidays and special occasions for me over the years. Now when she's inventing a health crisis to ruin something all she gets from me is an offer to call 911 for her and I walk away. Miraculously the health emergencies resolve themselves when they don't get any attention.