My mother’s condition (stroke, right side paralysis, unable to stand, incontinence) is waxing and waning. She became unable to stand last December and her caregiver expressed inability to continue caring for her due to her condition worsening. I came and have been staying with her since January and have decided she should move in with me and my husband. She does not want to move. People (caregiver, family) think they can handle my mom now that I have decided to move her in. My issue is, if she stays and they continue to struggle (because that is how they are, my family is addicted to suffering), what happens in 6 months when she declines further? I took medical leave from work to deal with this but I still have a life I need to get back to. Do I let them deal with this on their own or continue with the plan of moving her in with me? I do not appreciate the back and forth with these people because it adds too much confusion. When someone says “I can’t do this anymore” or “I can’t do…” I take that very seriously and act on it. I don’t know if because of the fact that I am physically here and handling everything, they seem to have gotten a second wind. Any advice is appreciated.
Good luck. Remember to take care of yourself, too.
Dont let the family bully you or guilt you. You said yourself you still have a life to get back to. Get back to your life before it’s too late. If others in the family feel like they could do a better job, let them, and don’t look back.
Of course your mom doesn’t want to move. It will be brutal at first wherever you move her. Therefore move her to a facility where you at least have a chance at getting back to your life and she has a chance of decent care.
Good luck and keep us posted.
You say you have a life to get back to. And the people who have been taking care of mom say they can't do it any more.
If you have loads of patience, and can put your life on hold for an undetermined period of years, and you truly desire to learn to become a full time caregiver, changing diapers, bathing, dressing your mother, making her food, possibly feeding it to her, and getting her out of bed as needed, so you can spend time with your mother because you love her so much, it would be a labor of love, then, by all means, consider moving her in to your home.
Because that is what it will become. Consider carefully before you act.
The other family members however, (whoever they are) + caregjver (?) were not content to follow this new plan.
Your situation is now a stalemate. Not permitted to lead. Not happy/able to live in & follow their lead.
Only option left seems to be to step back out.
Leave your phone number for if they wish to call a family meeting & work together to find a longer term sustainable plan.
Coz that's the aim - a good plan for Mom, right? That should stay the focus - the care plan (not family clashes).
Sometimes it takes a step down in health for the caregivers to accept the plan has to change. Sometimes the health crises happens to the caregiver, not the care recipient. If you can, stay open to working with them then.
In the meantime, I'd kindly suggest having a really good chat with yourself. Ask yourself why you want to take Mom home.
Why you?
Why your home?
How would you do it differently to what is being done now?
Who would be in your care team?
What happens after care needs blow out past a home setting?
Finally, is your plan a solid practical care plan? Or heart-felt gut reaction?
Secondly, do you live in a state with "Filial Responsibility Laws? Based on your description, your Mom needs 24/7 care for her safety. If your state has Filial Responsibility laws, you and all of your siblings are financially responsible for her care expenses as well as insurinbg her safety. If your siblings were aware of that, they might be less inclined to give advice from the peanut gallery. Likewise, if your mother believes in order to stay in her home, she must have around the clock paid caregivers, i'm betting she woulld be happy to move in with you.