Follow
Share

So, my father (96) was recently diagnosed with stage IV cancer. It's very hard, but I'm slowly coming to terms with it due to his age. The other and more complicated issue is my mother (95). She was the one who I always thought was the one who more had her head on her shoulders and was independent. However, she's completely lost it about how she will be alone and how she won't be able to get anywhere (she stopped driving years ago and my father was the one taking her everywhere), etc. etc. She has macular degeneration so her vision is not that great. She has other health issues but can still get around the house. However, between her and my cousin, they are starting to put the pressure on me to move back home. My mother is on the East Coast and I am in the LA area. I'm 69 years old and retiring in 8 months. My plan was to move to the Southern Sierra about 3 hours north of Los Angeles. So.....do I just trash that idea, move 3000 miles back east? And then when it's over and she's gone....then what? I just pick up and move 3,000 miles back again? It was easy to move around a lot when I was younger but at my age, not so much. So I really feel that if I move back East, that's pretty much it for me. No going back. And I hate it there. I would be more that willing to have my mother come live with me once she's alone, but I know she won't do it. I'm at a loss as to what to do. I don't want to feel like a horrible person, but at the same time I don't want to end up spending my golden years/last years on the planet 3000 miles away in a place that I hate. I will do what I can for her from here but I really, really, really don't want to uproot myself and my plans for my own [dwindling] future....

No, no, no!

As I learned here, your Mom has had her life.

It's time for you to live yours.

"I can't possibly do that!" is a fine answer to your mom.

Offer to help your mom find a place (you can tour Assisted Livings over FaceTime or similar.)
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to cxmoody
Report

You don’t move back East .
Your mother is 95 , she had her retirement . You deserve to have yours as well . You live where you want to live .

Either Mom goes into assisted living where she is , or by you , those are her choices at this point . She’s the one that is 95 and will need care . You should not be the one to have to move . Don’t have mom live with you either .

She wants you to move in with her and prop up her false independence . Elders should not expect their children to move , uproot their lives , in an attempt to avoid the changes the elder is facing .
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to waytomisery
Report

You’re not a horrible person and you don’t move back. There’s no need or reason to uproot your life for your mother as her future is much more limited than yours. Chances are she will no longer be able to live independently, but that’s not on you to solve other than to help her find a new place in assisted living. Ignore the pressure, don’t respond to it at all as you know it’s not what’s good for either of you. Offer to help her find a new place, if she declines, that’s on her. She will need more help and a new place, but that can look like a lot of things other than you uprooting your life
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to Daughterof1930
Report

I am in the same situation as you. I live in the Bay Area and my now deceased mother and father are in NYC. I did not relocate 100 percent, I go back every other month to visit my 96 yo father who is in a nursing home for a few weeks. I am 69 and retired. I have siblings who live near my parents so it is a little easier with other family nearby.

I did not move back because my only child and grandkids live in the Bay Area. I want to be part of their lives.

Don’t move back because you deserve to have the life you want. . Try to figure out a way to make it work.

Good luck navigating this. It is hard.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Hothouseflower
Report

Well, the good news is you come from a stong gene pool so you are most likely to live to 100 or older.

Sometimes you have to make decision based on your gut. At close to 70 I'd stick to your original plan.

It appears you have two options. After Dad is gone find her assisted living back east or bring her to the Southern Sierra and find her assisted living in the Southern Sierra. For you it would be easier having her in assisted living in Southern Sierra but if she refuses find her something in her home town while you stay out west(this will be harder for you but many families make this work.)

You've worked hard your entire life and you don't want to be on the east coast. This is not an option.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to brandee
Report

No, 100% you do not do that.

I absolve you of that burden your family is trying to put on you.

At their ages, they could literally drop dead at any given moment. My 96 year old aunt was trucking along and one day had a terrible headache and a few hours later was dead from a brain aneurysm.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to anonymous1784938
Report

…….and you should NOT move back! My God! You need to enjoy what retirement years you have worked toward. Your mother needs to go to a retirement home where her needs will be met. And your cousin should stay out of it as far as pressuring you to move 3,000 miles back! Your parents don’t have much time left so make provisions for them to move within the area they live with assistance or skilled nursing.

My kids all moved out to California and one does have a home in the Sierras to go skiing. I would never, ever force them to move back East! They deserve to live their best life and not come back to an area they despise just to babysit their elderly mother! Their dad is already in a nursing home with a rare form of dementia- not putting any of that on my children.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Katybr
Report
Suzy23 Sep 24, 2024
I totally agree with you, Katy. And I feel for you with your husband having FTD. My dad had behavioral variant FTD.
(2)
Report
Thank you for the answers so far and providing your own perspective. I love my parents so very much, but the thought of upending the rest of my life is just too much for me. I like the idea of bringing mom to an assisted living facility near me (would probably have to be Bakersfield) and when the time is right I am going to suggest it to her. I doubt she will go for it though -- which, I do understand. She's used to the doctors she has and I can certainly see why she wouldn't want to change up her health care at this point. I hope she will, conversely, come to understand why I need to stay where I'm at.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Denise91606
Report
waytomisery Sep 23, 2024
Healthcare at 95 yo usually does not include complicated planning or heroics.
Her records could be sent to new doctors to review and be up to speed .
(1)
Report
See 2 more replies
Here's the thing. No, you don't trash your retirement. But you CAN and should ask your mom to make the caregiving easier for YOU.

Investigate ILs, ALs and Nursing Homes in the area you intend to move to. Mom's needs may change, so visit places with different levels of care.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn
Report
Beatty Sep 24, 2024
"Mom's needs may change"

I like to use the word *may* too, as I feel wrong predicting *will change*. Although at 95..

An elderly man the other week told me his next *real estate* would have a few rose bushes & lovely green grass on top.
(0)
Report
Another thing, you do not use your own money for her care. If she has a house, she sells it to live in an AL. She needs in home care she pays for it or gets Medicaid. There are options out there, use them.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

See All Answers
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter