My mother is 83 and in good health. Mild cognitive decline but still pretty sharp. She and her husband are constantly talking about how I should move in or have them move in with me whenever they get to the age that they’re not able to care for themselves in their home. I have told them I have no intention of doing either. Then they say “well please promise to never put us in a nursing home”. That’s not a promise I can make. I cannot predict the future and their health. I hope they can live their lives independently right up until the end but things happen and circumstances change. How can I make this clear to them without sounding harsh or uncaring?My husband and I plan to retire in 4 years (we’ll be 62) and hope to travel and enjoy our retirement not become full time caregivers. My mom and her husband have already enjoyed their retirement and traveling when they were my age. I think it’s unfair of them to expect this from me.
It's just best to be upfront and honest with your parents letting them know that while you love them both very much that you will not be their caregiving plan in the future, but that you will be happy to come visit them if they should end up in a care facility.
I find it so incredibly selfish of any parent that expects their children to give up their lives to care for them as they age. If they truly loved their children they would never want that for them. I'm just saying.
It was not well received but it had to be said. And the two of them going into a nursing home is what happened.
I remember telling my Dad that when his own mother needed help, she had two sons living in her area, plus their wives, and a gaggle of grandchildren most of driving age. My Mom's parents had five children who lived near by them, plus grandchildren. For me, I was an only child, so it fell on my shoulders alone. Thus, no vacations, no movies, not even dining out never knowing when the phone would ring. Both were fall risks.
Later a serious fall had placed my Mom (late 90's) in a nursing home. There was no way she could have lived at home as she needed professional care, she didn't know where she was, she though she was on vacation and staying in a hotel. Dad eventually went into Independent Living at a senior facility and loved his apartment, especially since he no longer needed to worry about maintaining their house (he sold it).
Eventually Dad transferred to Memory Care in the same complex due to dementia. Oh, when Dad was still living at his house, he had around the clock caregivers, which he really liked. And hubby and I were relieved. If only my Mom would have accepted them, but she didn't want strangers in HER house, touching HER things or cooking for HER husband.
And to answer your question , my mother tried to get me to leave my family , move in with her and promise never to put her in a nursing home. Mom went to Assisted Living beyond angry . It was the right decision . I could never have lived with my mother.
BTW my parents didn’t take care of their parents either , so I really don’t get why they get this idea in their heads .
Not promises. Follow with, “But if it is necessary, which nursing homes do you like the best?”
Thankfully, my mom only made me “promise” in regard to one specific nursing home. Of course, she was still furious at me when I moved her into the lovely assisted living *she had chosen*.
Not once did my parents say that I was going to be caring for them in their old age. They allowed their children to leave the nest and live their lives. Mom took care of Dad till his death at 79 she was 78. Her living with me was a last minute decision that lasted 20 months. When the money was available, she went into AL. When she ran out, she went to a nice LTC. By that time her Dementia was going into the last stage. She passed at 89. I have cared for 2 children and helped with 2 grandchildren and then my Mom. The only other person I will care for is my husband and I have not promised him that I won't place him. We r 79 and 76 and I will do my best to keep him home but no guarentee.
Tell them that you'll promise to never put them in a facility if they promise to pay whatever it takes to keep them in their home: aids, maintenance, labor, medical transport, etc and a person to do all this management (not you). FYI this can eventually cost more than a good facility. They must show you they have the funds to pull this off.
They must also have all their legal ducks in a row, and assign you (or someone) as their DPoA and cooperate with the management of such an arrangement. This is what I remind my Mom (96) is the condition of her staying outside of a facility. The other condition is that I'm not overwhelmed by the management of her living in her home (I live next door to her) or that keeping her home becomes unsafe.
"I can promise to help make sure you get the appropriate care" which can mean a facility at some point, and "I will need you to do all of the necessary paperwork and other things to make that an option. Let's talk about what you want for the future."
I wouldn't get into the DNR stuff at that moment, either, although they often go hand in hand. For some parents that's a deal breaker that kills any further conversation.
You'll have to decide if you want to have this conversation when they bring up this promise or not. I might, now that it's been brought up, wait for a time when everyone is fed, rested and not upset about anything else, and then bring it up myself. You also have to decide what you do want to handle for them and what you don't. Maybe you don't want to be POA or handle anything at all. It's best they know this now.
They could go to a continuum of care facility now. These retirement places are wonderful; friends of mine were grateful that this opportunity exists, and they benefitted from it. They bought a house/villa at the facility where they lived independently and loved the neighborhood where everyone was of a similar age. They could cook at home or eat in the restaurant-style dining room 3 meals a day. All handyman and yard services were provided as well as weekly housekeeping and laundry. The next step up would have been assisted living together in their own apartment in the main building, but he became ill and went to memory care in that building. She was able to stay in their villa after he passed, but then when she needed more care, she went into assisted living. That's only one example of several that I know. Their only huge decision was to move there in the first place. The rest all came about naturally in a familiar place with familiar help and their dear friends from the community nearby.
I'm generally for honesty in all things, but in the case of demanding parents (and mine were), I'm not.
Also nursing homes today are not what your parents may remember from visiting old Aunt Gussie long ago. I fear you would never convince them of that, so silently you plan what you will really do, and then when the time comes, you do it.
You feel you cannot do it all by yourself with them totally dependent on you. That’s a boundary you need and you must respect. Promising something you cannot do is not a viable option, I agree.
Don’t promise them what they want. Listen to them, find out what they are truly fearing. Is it inadequate care, lack of independence, missing you, fear of strangers, stories from past experiences of their friends and loved ones?
if you are the one who will be responsible for the decision making for each of them in the long run, get all the appropriate legal paperwork in place now for each of them. A minimum would include a will and a power of attorney for both health and personal property. The three of you together should consult an attorney who specializes in family estate law in the state where your parents reside. They may decide that one or two trusts need to be established now with appropriate terms to comply with each of their wishes. In addition, if one or both of them uses a computer to access anything, you need an up-to-the-minute document stating you can manage their online accounts (social, email, financial and more) perhaps including access to a very secure password manager application for the 3 of you to share if they want you to handle these things. You may need to go with them to each of their financial institutions in person to arrange appropriate legal access to their funds so you can pay their bills should one or both of them lose that capacity. Someone always needs to pay the bills and they should be paying their bills out of their own funds - not yours!!!
I also suggest that you try very hard to consolidate accounts into one or two financial/ brokerage houses and banks to simplify access, record keeping, decision making etc. You may need advice from both an estate attorney and a certified public accountant to make good decisions. As long as they are able, they should be calling the shots with you listening carefully to each of them for both the said and the silenced nuances.
Good Luck
You feel you cannot do it all by yourself with them totally dependent on you. That’s a boundary you need and you must respect. Promising something you cannot do is not a viable option, I agree.
Don’t promise them what they want. Listen to them, find out what they are truly fearing. Is it inadequate care, lack of independence, missing you, fear of strangers, stories from past experiences of their friends and loved ones?
if you are the one who will be responsible for the decision making for each of them in the long run, get all the appropriate legal paperwork in place now for each of them. A minimum would include a will and a power of attorney for both health and personal property. The three of you together should consult an attorney who specializes in family estate law in the state where your parents reside. They may decide that one or two trusts need to be established now with appropriate terms to comply with each of their wishes. In addition, if one or both of them uses a computer to access anything, you need an up-to-the-minute document stating you can manage their online accounts (social, email, financial and more) perhaps including access to a very secure password manager application for the 3 of you to share if they want you to handle these things. You may need to go with them to each of their financial institutions in person to arrange appropriate legal access to their funds so you can pay their bills should one or both of them lose that capacity. Someone always needs to pay the bills and they should be paying their bills out of their own funds - not yours!!!
I also suggest that you try very hard to consolidate accounts into one or two financial/ brokerage houses and banks to simplify access, record keeping, decision making etc. You may need advice from both an estate attorney and a certified public accountant to make good decisions. As long as they are able, they should be calling the shots with you listening carefully to each of them for both the said and the silenced nuances.
Good Luck
require more care than you are capable of.
I know this sounds cold and insensitive, but I wanted to point out how absurd some of these demands and requests are. Who knows what will happen in the future. I would guess that if an adult child of elderly parents were hit by a bus, the parent's may have to seek care for the child.
Know your limits. Be honest. Tell your folks the truth now and save everybody a ton of headaches and tears later on.
Best of luck to you.
And then change the subject.
So it's just healthcare in America these days, regardless of generation.
I would ask them if they had to sacrifice their retirement years to take care of their own aging parents? For how long?
Of course they will say they didn't have to. Neither do you. I would be totally annoyed at them bring the same thing up repeatedly, too. I agree they are being unfair (and very selfish) to even expect that, after they already enjoyed their retirement years.
It is NOT harsh or uncaring to make it clear to them that you do not plan to spend your retirement years as a full time caregiver. It is selfish and uncaring for them to expect that.
I think it's a generational thinking which is changing. In their minds, they probably envision themselves being slower, weaker, and living with family feels safe.
But, I'll bet they don't think they could have dementia and all the crazy behaviors which come with that, or be in diapers, which you'll need to change, or unable to get out of bed, and weigh too much for you to help safely. That's the reality now for many elders.
My mother, who died over 20 years ago, used to say she would come live with me when she was older. Her grandmother lived with her family for many years, doing all the cooking and baking, and lived a fairly independent, quiet life alongside family. She did not require any hands-on care. That was in the mid 1900's. My mom envisioned a similar arrangement as a normal expectation.
Unfortunately, my mother developed cancer and died at age 62, staying in my home for the last two weeks of her life.
My father is still healthy and active at the age of 85. I have told him he will have to be in a nursing home if he needs someone else to care for him. His wife is 20 years younger, and she is not likely to provide hands-on cares, they are both very selfish people, not equipped to take care of another.
I've been taking care of my husband for 10 years. It is killing me. My self-absorbed dad sees me as kind, nurturing, patient, self-sacrificing, a "saint".
That's how he would like to imagine me. I'm sure he thinks I would drop everything to be at his side, and changing his diaper if he needed. I will not.
I am not a nurturing, self-sacrificing saint. I take care of my husband because that's what works best for us right now. I recognize the time will come when I can no longer do this, and my husband will have to be placed in a nursing home.
It is not heartless to provide our loved ones with proper care by professionals in a professional setting. New nursing homes are not the drab, hospital-like places they were 50 years ago. They can be bright, warm, welcoming, and homey-feeling, with cheery trained nurses, administrators, activity directors, and cna's, all attentive to the resident's needs.
Without doubt, CCRCs are a great alternative for those who can afford the substantial entrance fee, monthly maintenance fees and increasing costs when additional services are needed. (Then there's this: if the facility is bought out by private equity, which is a thing nationwide, care will be stripped down to the absolute minimum. If that's not enough to turn a handsome profit for investors, the fund can always declare bankruptcy. Often, the residents then become "collateral damage".)
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(a) A nursing home -- Yes No
(b) A community-based residential facility –- Yes No
If I have checked or initialed beside “No” or have not checked or initialed either “Yes” or “No,” my Agent may only admit me for short-term recuperative care or respite care.
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This seems to make the "promise" an official contract. How have folks dealt with that?
To be fair, their home situation wasn't the greatest. Nonagenarians, Mom had taken to her bed after a couple of bad falls, Dad was doing all the caregiving because I was too sick to. It wasn't great, but they were managing. We helped when we could.
Then my mom had a stroke last August at age 93. Mild, but she was in rehab for a couple of months. We did everything possible to get her home, but the doctor said there was no way (she couldn't stand on her own, and my dad couldn't lift her). We had to make the agonizing decision (for them -- easy for us) to put them in assisted living. Dad was so exhausted by then he knew it was the only thing they could do, and Mom frankly didn't have much say. We also showed them how expensive in-home care would be compared with the (still expensive) AL facility. They moved in in October.
I wish I could say they love it and everything is great. They're not happy they have to be there, sometimes talk about going home before we sell the house (no way is that happening). It's not what they wanted. But they lived through the decision and the move, and they know it's where they need to be.
All that to say -- you don't have to promise. Tell them you can't. (I was clear I wouldn't "promise" to never move them out of their home.) Tell them you'll do everything you can to keep them at home, but if their health becomes compromised, and your situation is such that you can't (or don't want to) take them in, you will help them do the footwork to find a place they can live in and with. If they don't like it, tough. This is the reality of aging.
nor have her siblings visited in nearly ten years. They call on her birthday and holidays and she refuses to speak to them. I rue the day I ever said that I wouldn’t put her in a nursing home. We survive on her pension and social security-which is over 80k a year-so we qualify for nothing as far as social programs go. Don’t make the same promises I made. It’s not your responsibility.
You in your twenties taking care of granny, wouldn't it have been nice if granny had done this? So you wouldn't have to be changing her diapers now? You in your sixties taking care of 90-year-old mom who only has her social security benefit and can't afford memory care - wouldn't it be nice if she'd saved twenty thousand dollars or so for her old age? So she could pay for a couple of years for herself in a nice memory care facility?
People think the government should step up and give them money for caregiving when it's the person being caregiven who should have saved to take care of themselves. Some people did, like my MIL who died at age 99. She was a food worker, on her own as a widow from age 45. She didn't have fancy clothes or a nice car. She had kids to raise. But she always saved, learned fundamentals of investing, and even after paying for her own caregivers for her Alzheimers, left a nice little sum to divide between her children.
We should be having a national discussion: HOW TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF IN YOUR OLD AGE SO YOUR CHILDREN WON'T HAVE TO.