My mother is 83 and in good health. Mild cognitive decline but still pretty sharp. She and her husband are constantly talking about how I should move in or have them move in with me whenever they get to the age that they’re not able to care for themselves in their home. I have told them I have no intention of doing either. Then they say “well please promise to never put us in a nursing home”. That’s not a promise I can make. I cannot predict the future and their health. I hope they can live their lives independently right up until the end but things happen and circumstances change. How can I make this clear to them without sounding harsh or uncaring?My husband and I plan to retire in 4 years (we’ll be 62) and hope to travel and enjoy our retirement not become full time caregivers. My mom and her husband have already enjoyed their retirement and traveling when they were my age. I think it’s unfair of them to expect this from me.
Boundaries are so necessary when dealing with any relationship, and for parents/children, there's a ton of both intentional and unintentional manipulation that goes on and usually the "people pleasers" and the codependent/enmeshed individuals are the ones that suffer the most from their own bad choices. Please stay strong for yourself as well as your husband. Advise them, help find them resources, but that's where it ends.
Also, my own 93 year old mom is in an assisted living facility for about a year with mild/moderate dementia. This facility provides med management, restaurant style dining, entertainment, day trips, fitness and games, etc. It's like being on vacation.
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Someone else posted:
"I think the best response is for you to ask 'promise me you will die before you become unable to care for yourselves in your own home.' It’s a conversation stopper, but it’s also a very fair counter-request."
This, in fact, need not be phrased as a somewhat snide "show-stopper." For someone in dire health, or in the early stage of dementia, there is a possible (not guaranteed, of course) alternative. It is called self-deliverance. While I am not going into details here, I will point to a book of one couple's experience: "In Love: A Memoir of Love and Loss." Medical aid in dying (aka MAID) is also available for people with a prognosis of 6 months or less. There are options for those of us who prefer to avoid institutionalized "care" (generally neglect), and prefer the alternative when the time is right.
I hope you enjoy your retirement! My mom pretty much demanded I not place her in a care home after she and close family members placed not only my dad, but also both grandmothers in care homes. She still holds it against me, but after two years it's more plain than ever that it was the exact right choice. She is safe and cared for. She has 24/7 care, weekly activities including manicures & arts/crafts, three square meals a day with snacks, Elvis nights, llama therapy, visits from family, and she can binge watch Youtube all she wants.
Things may be fine now but what happens when their care becomes more than you can manage at home.
Placing someone in any facility that can SAFELY manage their care is part of being a good caregiver.
I always said that if it ever became unsafe for my husband for me to care for him I would have to place him. And if it ever became unsafe for me to care for him I would have to place him.
Safety should be the number 1 priority. And safety is not just physical but it is mental, emotional, psychological.
After IL they can graduate to Assisted Living (AL). The bonus is they know the location at that stage and the staff and people.
My parents both refuse to do this. They are in their 90's. My mom is still sharp but my dad should be in memory care. They are in a place with no services and no meals. They think the kids should be taking care of them, yet like your parents, they traveled when they were younger and did not participate in their parents care.
We are waiting for a call telling us there is a medical emergency and we will have no plan on where to house them. We speak from experience as we went through this last year after my mom fell. We got them into AL. My mom decided she hated it before she got out of rehab. After my mom recovered enough, they left AL and returned to their prior location.
I encourage you to do research now into IL and AL in your parents area so you are familiar with locations. If they will not accompany you, go on the offered tours on your own. I did this a couple of years ago and we had a few places picked out and I even got them added to a waiting list in the location we liked best.
Stay strong and good luck!
I've seen resentment and caregiver burnout wreck happy homes because needy elders were moved in. I've seen the lives of kids ruined because of it and many once happy marriages come to a bitter end in the divorce court because of caregiving.
You tell them that parents who love and respect their families never ask them to make this promise. That it is the very height of selfishness to expect you to spend your retirement enslave to their old-age care needs. Let them know that you will take care of them in other important ways that do not include living together or you being their caregiver/companion. Like advocating for them if they do have to be in residential care. Making sure they are in a good place and receiving good care if they need it. Arranging and managing homecare if that is the option that's chosen at some point. There are a lot of ways to be a caregiver that do not involve living together and the adult child literally doing all the work.