This topic is obviously very personal: everyone will have their own opinion. I have many friends who helped their elderly parents alone for years, while their siblings did nothing. My opinion is that the helping adult child should inherit more, so they’re not financially ruined after spending so much time, energy & stress, helping.
No one seems to understand the financial burden caregivers undertake when they give up so much of their time, earning potential, and finances to take care of Mom and Dad!
My dad insisted I be paid for the two months I gave him and my mom 24/7 before he died. He didn't put it in writing, but he told his attorney who also agreed with him. I considered it a privilege to care for my parents, and yes, it was a brutal couple of months, but I felt very uncomfortable with the idea of being paid. However, after my dad's death, the attorney told me sternly that I MUST pay myself (I'm also the trustee) at a comparable rate that a paid caregiver would receive.
I ended up being paid $30,000 for those two months, but it was long before I inherited anything. Four years later, I'm still working on wrapping up my parents' estate and will finally be able to get my inheritance in the next couple of weeks. I have not charged the estate for my trustee work since the first year after Dad died, but I think I've been adequately compensated already.
Money makes people crazy. I'm just glad it's almost over.
I have been my mother's sole caregiver for years now. Her property is set up in such a way that I get back what I've put in here (she made bad financial choices) and I decide if I want to share any of it. There's been some talk from her lately about wanting to change it and leave it equally to her grandkids, my sibling, and myself. No way. She cannot legally change it without me though and I will not help her to do this. I told her some time back that I will completely and utterly abandon her if she even tries to make another "arrangment" with the property behind my back and that I'll hear no more threats of it. Also, if it's changed it's no longer a protected asset from Medicaid. I've earned this place. You earned more too.
Good for you, BurntCaregiver. And I hope that you decide not to share any of your inheritance when the time comes.
My mother made noises at one point that she could change the trust. She didn't have the wherewithal to make an appointment to do that on the phone, and I of course wouldn't have helped in any way (to include driving her to said appointment; I was her sole source of transportation).
Even though she did cajole one of my brothers to drive her to the attorney to change her POA on one of his infrequent trips to visit (I and another brother were taken off the POA), I doubt she would have gotten away with removing me as a beneficiary to the trust.
She brought it up at my sister's house last week about how she wants to change it and leave it in equal shares. My sister understands that I've made her nice life possible for years now because she doesn't do any of the caregiving.
My mother knows that if she tries to make a move like this that I will place her and let a nursing home take the property.
My sister is POA and also local and helps out a lot. My three brothers live scattered around the country and have helped when they've visited, etc.
I would never ever ever in my life expect to get MORE of what Dad leaves behind than my siblings. I LOVE my brothers and sis and he is OUR Dad. I've been blessed to have the opportunity to give back for all the providing Dad (and Mom). I have no idea what total $$ Dad has/will have when he moves on and I don't even care. I choose to focus on the larger reward of providing comfort and joy to my Father.
Money separates families. Don’t let it do it to yours. Take what you get and continue to love your siblings.
No one should ever take what they get. If one sibling is responsible for all of the caregiving, then that sibling deserves either all if the inheritance or the lion's share of it at least.
If siblings are worried about potential future inheritance from parents being divided up equally among them, they would be dividing up the caregiving responsibility equally as well. If there's no caregiver, then mom and dad go into managed care. If they go into managed care there will be zero inheritance. Siblings who are not caregiving should always kee this in the forefront of their minds.
If their sister 'Judy' or brother 'Billy' didn't move into mom/dad's place or move mom/dad into their house, they'd be in an AL or nursing home. Then there would be nothing.
'Judy' and 'Billy' deserve way more of the inheritance than they do.
As a 24/7 caregiver for their father, I totally appreciate and understand the sacrifice whenever either of our sons help us. They both have very different personalities and talents along with different family, church and career responsibilities that I don't expect them to forego unless we are in the middle of a crisis. Because of all this, we can't possibly treat them equally (except with our love) and I should never expect them to equally be able to provide care giving services to us.
By the way, they are both listed on my POA and HPOA and backups on their father's so they can step in and help should I ever not be able to handle something.
In a previous post, you wrote: "I am the “worker bee”. I do all the MD’s, finances, shopping, navigating staff issues, toe nail clipping etc. I have decided to forgive and forget and see this as my walk in life. I got some online mental counseling. I also attend a dementia support group. I feel so much better. My brothers “help” with mom is sporadic."
Why can't you get your retirement back?
I might have considered it a privilege to care for my parents, had they not expected it ONLY from me. ( At one point, I was the only one working and, as the only daughter, you can bet I resented it.)
Essentially you must make the decision that works for YOU. And you must take care of you first!
I think that's bee the world from day one. Boys get the support and girls get the duties. How wrong it is too.
My friend is currently caregiving to her boyfriend's incontinent mother with dementia because he 'just can't do it'. You know what my response was when I heard this nonsense?
BC: "If you can wipe your own a$$ you can wipe someone else's."
The 'just can't do it' would never fly coming from a woman and sadly that's our world.
Ask yourself if you’d expect your son or daughter to go broke caring for you. No is the answer. Give yourself permission to use their money! It’s why it’s there!!
If your siblings or anyone else has a problem with it, that’s tough. They can step up, help, and use the money in the same way. It’s what’s fair and just. Losing someone is hard enough. And the person you’re caring for is most likely not themselves, and not in a frame of mind to be logical about decisions at the end of their life. Not only should you be commended for your caring role in their life, you should certainly not be worse off financially if it can be helped. Good luck with everything.
I moved out of state to move in with my folks and help them age-in-place. My mom is in her fourth year of dementia. I cut back my work hours to less than ten a week after celebrating my 25th anniversary with my employer.
Before expecting a bigger inheritance, I'm trying to figure out how to be compensated while I'm caring for my folks. If I start thinking about who might get what at the end, I know me; that could lead me to feeling resentful and/or keeping a running list of checks-and-balances.
Your question is very practical! I suggest you focus on what will bring you peace of mind. For me, my greater peace comes from knowing I'm doing everything I can to help my folks. This could change but I believe God will provide whatever I need in the future.
He always has.
Then you visit a lawyer with this information and tell them that you would like to begin getting paid for being your parents' live-in caregiver. If it's all legally done and worked out, I don't see why you can't charge the same to care for your parents 24/7 as a care agency would charge.
When tens of thousands of dollars get paid out to a care agency by a client Medicaid does not consider this 'gifting' in their look-back period.
Let a lawyer set this up for you. Have a consultation with one that specializes in elder law and estate planning.
Both my sister and I live in the same area as my parents do, but right after the need to step up care happens, my sister announces that she has decided to move across the country. When I raise a fuss she tells me that she can still help remotely, but as soon as I ask for her help she tells me that she is too busy since she has decided to go work for a startup- this even though she does not need to work at all since she and her husband are quite wealthy and he is already retired. Honestly I believe she has some deep seated issues regarding her relationship with my parents because she also shirked her responsibilities and temporarily disappeared when mom suffered a stroke 15 years ago.
so I’ve been doing it all- dealing with the long term care insurance, the nursing care company and the schedule, the automotive insurance company, getting my dads car out of repair and figuring out how to sell it, filing for my dads supplemental accident insurance, visiting assisted living facilities, taking them to doctors appointments, activating financial POA’s, taking over my dads finances, dealing with their taxes, and their bank accounts, managing their meds, managing their groceries, necessary clothing items, dealing with their computer and internet and cable issues, and managing necessary repairs to their condo and the insurance coverage for it. and not to mention just spending time with them!
my wife has been so kind and is helping a bit to take some of the stress and burden off of me, but we are also dealing with her aging father at this time.
when my sister told me she couldn’t help, my wife advised me to begin tracking all the hours I spend helping my parents, and it looks like I average around 12 hours a week of helping them EXCLUDING my visits just to see them.
Dad has already said verbally that all the monies from his car sale and supplemental accident insurance should just go to me. However, my parents’ will says everything is to be split equally between me and my sis but I am tempted to just take what I think should be my fair share since I am now controlling my parents finances.
and at this point I never want to have anything ever to do with my sister.
Are you the adult child? If “yes” — stay away from this topic unless you are asking about your own will. Someone else’s will (even if you are an heir) is not your business until after they pass away.
My parents gave me more. Not because I was their caregiver, but because they were “feeling it.” I didn’t know any of this until after they died.
I was their caregiver. Not because of the will I didn’t know about, but because I was “feeling it.”
I was sued by my siblings over the whole thing and and completely won both (yes 2!) lawsuits.
If you are the child and you feel you should get more if you are a caregiver, you are not really care “giving.”
I’ve read all the answers. I learned a lot, also from warnings from people.
I agree 1,000,000%.
Also consider that the elderly parents often view the service of their daughters as something that daughters just do, as a matter of course, and needs no reward. This is not right, but I have seen it many times.
Also bear in mind that old fashioned and idealistic ideas often have great influence in the process of making wills. Too often parents piously insist that they love all their children equally, so all should inherit equally rather than realistically accept that child A does a lot for them, loves them in concrete ways, whereas child B has always been selfish and self-centered.
A whole lot of nonsense can influence the making of a will. If you are the child, be sure you are paid NOW, not later. If you are the parent, talk to your children, especially those you see the most. Talk about what you think is fair and what your children think is fair. Also try to separate the notions of a "family legacy" from the practical matters of what the various children may want or need. It has been a long time since it made any sense (if it ever did) to leave property to sons simply as an effort to keep the property in the family.
So, awful-non-helpers often want the same share of inheritance, even though they had zero stress and total peace of mind, while their helping-sibling slaved away.
I think someone who helped their elderly parents should receive more, than someone who didn’t help. The person who helped, for sure had financial consequences, getting poorer while they help.
My belief is that Rights and Responsibilities are two sides of a coin. If you want to have Rights in something, you need to accept some Responsibilities. Conversely, if you have Responsibilities, you can expect to have some Rights (or Interest, or A Say) in these matters. Because my brother has had ALL the Responsibilities related to my mother's care and the family homestead, I realized a few years ago that he should have ALL the Rights to my mother's estate. I knew that her will designated that her estate be divided equally between my brother and me. After discussing this with my husband, he agreed with my decision TO RELINQUISH MY INHERITANCE.
I decided to do it this way, rather than ask my mother to write a new will, because my mother was already in the early stages of dementia and I knew it would be difficult for her to understand what I wanted to do, and I just didn't want her to think I didn't value her gift to me. But it was BECAUSE I did value the family estate, that I wanted it ALL to go to my brother, who has a daughter and son-in-law and grandson (whereas I am childless), thereby extending the family "legacy" into the next generations. I felt my brother deserved all this.
I don't know how valuable or complicated your parents' estate is. My mother's is quite modest. My brother's lawyer said it would be a simple matter of filling out a form, after my mother dies, to relinquish my share of her estate to my brother.
If this idea appeals to you, you can readily find information on Internet about it. Search for Relinquish an Inheritance.
You are a generous and compassionate person, as your brother has been, too, in taking care of your father. Perhaps this can help you find a way to guarantee that your brother remains financially secure.
It may require a lawyer.
Depends on if the person with the inheritance is deemed mental competent to handle these decisions.
NONE of them helped ever, ever and they lived close by.
She knew I was the only one who wouldn’t steal, plus I got the least and paid taxes on it.
The probate judge told them, “if she was stealing, she wouldn’t have put your mom in such a swanky place.
I just see her spending her mothers money on her mom.” He saw through them because this is common behavior.
It was just plain mean.
I sat in hospice alone, listening to her death rattle.
30 minutes after she died, their lawyers were calling me asking where their inheritance was?
It was Friday night. They had to wait until Monday