I am the difficult neighbor, I am the difficult employee, I am the difficult family member. I hate my life and I hate myself nowadays.
My older sister moved out of state 40 years ago. My older brother moved out of state 35 years ago. When Mom got older and had physical problems, I moved back, both for her and for my child who needed a home to start adulthood in (I was in the Army then).
I have a job that asks for 150% effort due to Federal government deadlines. Mom can't walk well and a physical therapist is beginning to come to our home twice a week. My 21-year-old grandson moved in with us, and frankly, he's pretty much useless around the house and home. I'm tired. I'm tired of having to unpack gifts from brother and sister to my Mom and having to bag them, wrap them, or put them in a vase and water. I'm tired of having to buy all the groceries. I'm tired of nobody giving me suggestions for what to make or buy for dinner. I'm tired of working for a thankless government job. I'm tired of Mom asking me to buy and pack gifts for her out-of-state children, of her insisting I find the right storage container, making dinner her way, hearing her complain of her minor aches and pains. I have lost all my friends and any kind of social life at all.
And really, it has come to the point that I just about hate everybody. I feel like I am going crazy,
grandson needs to help regularly around the house AND pay rent and part of utilities if he wants to say. I once had a counselor say to me that if I really didn’t like my situation, I would change it.
Be brave, tAke the first step immediately
The things that that are bothering you are not the kind of things that should be making you so sad — putting flowers in a vase? Maybe they were sent for your enjoyment too. Are you really upset that your Mom is buying other people gifts? If these types of things are causing you anxiety, you probably need medical help.
You are are the only person with the power to change your treatment of others, your actions, your life. . .
There are two routes to happiness (1) change your expectations (be happy where you are by changing your outlook), or (2) change your circumstances.
You cannot change others or their behaviors, (but you can impact the way they feel about you).
Why not choose to be “the other kind of” neighbor, employee and friend. Maybe you will like the results better.
I have learned the caregiving role can have massive mission creep.
Please keep seeking advice & practical help.
There are many ways to be a caregiver. Not everyone does the 24/7 live-in model. Being a loving visitor to Mum (being cared for in AL or NH) is also caring - just in a different way.
I often dislike myself at the end of the day - I'm just not patient enough with my dementia mother and difficult father. At the end of the day I say to myself I will try better tomorrow, but it's all I can do - like you, I'm doing the best that I can.
Please remember to care for yourself. I know it's almost impossible to find the time, but somehow you have to figure out a way. And know you are not alone, there are many of us going through similar circumstances and feelings.
1. Grandson: not sure why he is living there but he won’t learn responsibility and adulting skills (which are sorely lacking in this generation) unless being given some. Make a list of his new duties. He can also learn to start dinner. If my mom could teach us when we were in high school while she worked there is no reason he can’t learn. On top of that he will learn a valuable skill.
2. I agree with the other poster who said to level with your sibs on the gifts. They probably send gifts out of guilt for not being there. Tell them gift cards for meals or Amazon is better. Mom can order and have gifts sent via online shipping. Tell them you are out of the gift wrap and shipping business. It has closed.
these are a few things but you get the drift. You need to set some serious boundaries with everyone and feel like you have control. Book a massage a month and have that be your spa day. Do not let family interfere and sonny can watch great granny. Go out with a friend once a month. Make one day a week a "ME day" and tell them that is the new standard. The reason you hate everyone, yourself and your life is because you have NO JOY and no control. You are being taken advantage of. But if you keep playing by the old rules you will continue to spiral down and how is that working for you? It’s not is it? This is an oldie but good truism...Dr. Phil said "we teach people how to treat us" and boy have they ever learned. When you teach them the new way...watch your spirit improve.
Please keep coming but also please tell us what solutions you’ve clicked with. You can do this...NO is not a dirty word. It’s ok to put yourself first for a change. No one is going to die because you make new rules.
Your mother may be better at a nursing home/assisted living facility. Medicaid could be an option financially but you would have to investigate that in your state. You obviously need to get away from the stress.
It's a horrible feeling yet it tells me you are a good person. Your just in a difficult position.
You have two options. Use your energy to save yourself or hire someone to help you. Sometimes you can even get some help at low cost.
I recommend https://1stmeridiancareservices.com who is owned by my friend Kym. She hired me almost 5 years ago and I've learned so much from her and her staff on how to care for myself, my father and my daughter. After my father in-law passed from lung cancer I was a mess. She helped me and maybe she can help you too. Give her a call.
Is he paying rent? ... if he was living with friends he would have to do some of these jobs so it should also be with you - if he isn't or just minimal then he must earn his keep -
Explain that jobs not done properly will have to be re-done until they reach an acceptable level - because there are those who will purposely do a bad job so that they aren't asked again = lazy guy
He'll gripe that it takes too long but practice makes perfect & after a few times he'll be able to do it efficiently - give him praise if done right & gentle constructive criticism when he doesn't meet standards .... think training a puppy [LOL]
I have a granddaughter that is making poor life choices. If she asked to "stay" here, I am going to tell her, she can visit for a night or 2, but she can't stay here. She won't pull her weight and I won't put up with it.
It is hard to be the adult in the situation. I am in a similar situation and I do not like who I have become either.
My day to day is not bad and dad is ambulatory but dealing with the financial side and the household side has brought me into a person who cares a whole lot less these days. Oldest brother nonexistent. Sister? She is the Disney parent, by that I mean when he does visit her (2 times a year) she takes him to the winery’s, out to dinner, pays for his cell phone every month. He sees her 2 times a year. Never calls me and when she does. I get lectured.
Daughter and now X son-in-law moved in for 2 years in the middle of all this. they are both out now. It has been 5 years dealing with this. I am here 24/7 as I run my business from home. I gave up my beautiful home office so he can have a beautiful living room and I am stuck in the basement.
I deal with shopping for food, cooking home cooked meals every night. Dealing with his finance when he runs out of money every month. Driving an hour and a half to get his cell phone he lost. Getting him a car when his just died and he has no money for one (our daughters car no less which he thinks is his now).
The snide remarks, the closing of the laundry room door when we ask to keep it open to dry clothes. Cleaning the pee on the floor, his leaving dirty laundry in his living room on the floor, cleaning toilets when he eats too much fruit. He wont clean any part of his living accommodations, bedroom, bathroom living room. The smell emanating from his bedroom is awful! He washed clothes every few weeks (I have 50 pairs of underwear he says, yeah after a week it is gut wrenching). Not being able to go away for a weekend form our home and not being able to entertain our friends. The biggest issue no privacy. Says he cant hear well, he hears everything and repeats it everywhere.
I snap at him, I talk low, I grumble. I have to whisper in our home as he hears one thing and calls all the family to tattle.
My family has pretty much cut me off from communication. He tells them things that are not quite true here (we are 8 hours from family). He asked to live with me as there was no choice, no money, no plan, no one to step up.
Yeah, I have become the person I do not like very much.
Don't know you, but I recognize you, and I love you for be being honest about the reality of caring. Big hugs to all who do this service.
Firstly, thank you so much for your military service. Greatly appreciated.
Caring for aging parents was for me a totally thankless job as well, with no assistance from my siblings, except to complain about what I did or didn't do from a 1000+ miles away!. (My sister actually sued me for elder abuse after my mom died. She is a sitting judge and she and I have never gotten along. The best part of this story is that she lost! Only legal case up to that time that she had ever lost.--but the Judge for our case saw right through her. I was fortunate, she could have sided with my sister as a colleague. At one point during the trial she actually told my sister to be quiet and sit down!)
My experience was not exactly like yours, but the frustrations are the same regardless of the circumstances, it seems. Never seem to please them, and can't figure out how.
HERE ARE A FEW THOUGHTS:
DO NOT FEEL GUILTY: I wish I had some magical answers to your situation. The best one I learned after many months was not to feel guilty if I could not meet their needs, or they would not respond to my suggestions, and kept getting into trouble. The outcome is not your fault or responsibility.
KNOW THE LAW: I suggest that you do know the Elder Abuse laws in your state. Don't get caught up in trying to do (or not do) something in a way that could be construed as neglect or abuse. I think that is some of what saved me from my sister's suit. I know more about that law than she did.
PICK YOUR BATTLES: IN addition to having helped a parent through Alzheimer's, and generally failed, I am an RN who has worked with seniors all my life. It made not one whit of difference when I finally ended up in the caregiver mode. Because one cannot predict or put sibling response to one's actions in a box. They are all over the place. All the years of advice-giving, and little of it worked for me. But mostly I was able to learn to walk away from some problems. My dad cooked meals. He has for most of their lives. But he was getting old and tired. he did not want my help. Mom often had very little to eat. There was nothing I could do about it, and finally I was able to not worry about it. concern never left , but for that particular area, I was not in charge. Pick your battles.
SET TIME LIMITS: From reading your notes, and between the lines, the next thing I would suggest is when you are helping mom, SET TIME LIMITS. Ask her to tell you all the things she needs help with at this particular time. Then ask what is most important for right now. Remind her of your time limit for this "session" then go to work addressing her most important need. If you feel that something else is more important at this time, such as eating a meal, or sorting and setting up her medications, suggest that you work on that one first, then get to the one she suggests when you have finished the most important physical needs. (Mom before we get to....lets just have lunch. I can make....) I have learned to set aside about 10 - 15 minutes more time than I actually tell a person. They don't know that, so they think you only have 20 minutes. You really have 30 and completing the task stretches to 30 or35 minutes, but you are not stressed, because that is how much time you planned out of your day anyway. Often, if you do what is most important for their basic care needs--medications, light meal, shower, laundry- which can be done while doing something else, cleaning up from incontinence--they will forget what they wanted done, or right it off because you have done something else that also needed to be done, and they generally feel better. But if not? remember the basic guidelines, of NO guilt, time limits and pick your battles. All the best.
What kind of surprises me is that on any thread there are so many going through exactly what you describe in some form or another. Here we have this site to share with one another, but in our own towns there is apparently no support whatsoever for someone to perhaps get a bit of a respite from care, in the same way kids go on playdate and Mom is free for the day. That is sad to me. Our communities are failing us, or we are failing to CREATE community that cares and helps. I keep thinking there must be a way to do this that doesn't involve money, which is always so short. I am so sorry for all you are going through. Recently read a book by a psychologist who herself went to a psychologist when in crisis. In the book it is said that we should attempt to look on our feelings as weather fronts that come through, either worse or not so bad, lasting a little bit of time, or longer, but certain to change. If you are under the clouds or floods permanently I think it is time to seek help to comb out what must be done for your own survival. You aren't crazy. You are overwhelmed.
thank you for your insight to Forgotten2.
I think your have answered your own question or observation. We all need some type of support. In the "olden days" families lived together and there were always several people around to help. In addition, every one had chores, and as a person aged, there were always tasks that could be done from carding wool, to sorting beans. And few people worried about being bored. But the point is that there were almost always people around so no-one was alone. Then came both the move west and the industrial revolution, and families began to split up, until we have spread so far apart both geographically and emotionally that we have lots of seniors and children with little or no support. and we have not created communities that help. There is some step towards that with Adult day care and medicaid for the poorest among us. And that only works in some states. But we no longer have caring extended families or communities that can help. I don't have an answer. And if one has very little money there is even less assistance. But you are also right when you say that Forgotten2 is not crazy, but overwhelmed. Sometimes some that can be helped simply with a few tricks of time management, choosing not to feel guilty when one cannot meet all needs/demands, and setting time limits for helping and prioritizing needs.
Caregivng is a demanding job, much like childrearing.
I’m trying desperately to use this experience to gain personal strength and coping skills. I’m also hopeful that becoming nasty, thankless and ungrateful is not a natural part of the aging process. And that this awful experience in my life, when I’m supposed to be enjoying my life of hard work, is a lesson in not becoming the person I never want to become.
Strength to all and kudos to us for being there for someone else when many turn and walk away. I trust our caring and compassion will stay with us and that karma is a real thing!
I applied for Medicaid for her, she will be going to a nursing home probably within 30 days. I don’t feel guilty anymore. Something to think about. You owe yourself a life!! If no one around you is helping, they can go too!! Be kind to yourself. Stay on this site, you will have a lot of support.
Firstly, on this Memorial Day especially, thank you for your service!!
Now to to the issue at heart, my dear, don't be so hard on yourself. Clearly, for the care you extend, you are not a difficult person. You are a good person who is simply in a difficult situation. Remember that!
You have received some great ideas here ... Simplify the meals (if you don't like it, don't eat it), draw up some "to do's" for the grand or else..., get a part time caregiver in there, gift cards are a great suggestion, talk to a counselor, and most of all, don't beat yourself up! Try to be thankful for your job as it gets you out of the house and gives you other avenues for your thinking. Life is a journey, sometimes awesome, sometimes difficult.
Finally, Remember, you are not alone.
I care for my 88 year old mother in my home. Was married for a month before my mom moved in with us, four years ago. I, unfortunately, am no longer working and miss it terribly. I feel I am withering away just like her, and there are days when I feel emotionally that I can no longer care for her. But ... I know me and I have to be at peace with the decisions I make and right now, putting her in a home is not something I want to do. Though sometimes, I close my eyes and escape for a moment or two and picture her in a home or better yet picture that her journey is done. How are those for thoughts from a loving daughter? See, you are not alone!
Hang in there - you will get through this!!!!
You have performed all these duties to the extent that you may have burnout.
You need to stop, and save yourself first.
Everyone will save time and money changing this tradition of gift giving.
There is no need to explain how hard it is on you. It leaves you open to criticism if any in your family are narcissists.
I also doubt if your brother and sister know how you feel about the ‘presents’. They probably don’t have a clue, because they wouldn’t be sending them if they knew how you feel. One step you could take is to let them know. Perhaps you could write something along the lines of this: ‘I was talking to someone I met about how mother likes most of your presents, but how they have turned into a real problem for me... particularly when she insists that I organise presents for her to send in return. The suggestion I got was that I should really explain it to you, so I am going to try. Please don’t be offended, but it’s like this….”. Include suggestions for some other things they could do, including phoning at agreed times that you think would be good, and also something that you would enjoy too – for example paying for a take-out delivered dinner from the best joint in town.
With luck they will respond helpfully. Don’t send the first draft you write, and keep it nice. With even better luck they might be more understanding of how this is working out for you, and find other ways to be supportive.
There is no way to make this problem (or the trials in your job) go away completely, but try to chip away at difficult bits if you can. Little wins can be a real boost.