Does anyone else feel hatred toward your siblings who are free from providing care for your parents?

Forgotten2, I did read a lot of the comments here, but there are so many, I couldn't take the time to read all of them. One thing I usually don't see is the practical advice about getting paid for the time you spend. I am my mother's main caregiver, POA, and my older sister helps, but cannot put in as many hours as I do. Mom has money in the bank. I drew up a contract with mom, she signed it, and it is legal. We fill out timesheets, and get paid an hourly rate just like if there was a caregiver from an agency coming in. If she lives long enough so the money runs out, and Medicaid has to take over, Medicaid will also pay you to do this. You will have to claim this on your taxes and pay the tax rate, but let me tell you this: It takes the sting out of being tied down. Already, one of my deadbeat sisters is mad about us getting mom's money, but my stepdad made it very clear that the money was to take care of mom after he was gone. I know there will be a lot of slandering after she is gone, but those relationships are already bad, so boo hoo. If the time comes where I need to get away, I know that Medicaid also will pay for respite care for the main caregiver. This arrangement has helped my husband I financially, a lot, and mom is well cared for. I even crafted the timesheet my sister and I use and an attorney said it was just fine. PLEASE check into this for your own sake. You have said nothing about an estate, but your siblings don't deserve an equal amount. Start getting paid and see if their position changes.

Dear forgotten, with me it is just the opposite. i wanted to move in with our aging father to provide care for him for the rest of his life, or for the rest of mine. he is 94 and i am 71. however, my 5 siblings refused to allow this to happen and voted to place him in a personal care home. i believe the reason they wanted to do this is because they did not want to take their turns and they did not want ME to willingly do something that they were unable or unwilling to do for their own reasons. i believe they were jealous and competitive. i still am harboring feelings of hatred, anger, resentment and frustration toward them for not allowing me to do something that they were unwilling to do. These feelings are subsiding as time passes and as i see my father doing well in personal care home. You might call a family gathering and discuss your feelings with a purpose of developing a plan with equal responsibilities, such as parent staying with the others for periods of time, if your situation allows you to do this. maybe with multiple minds together you can come up with a better solutiion.

I totally don't think you are wrong for your feelings. I do agree that you should consider, AL, respite AND asking your siblings to give you breaks every few months. If they won't do that, then you are more than entitled to hate them.
My sibling lives out of state and previously agreed to spell me for 3 or 4 weeks each winter and summer so I can have a vacation with my husband and see my children and grandchildren who also live out of state. Yet nearly every time I want to get away my sib has an excuse why they can't come. Needless to say, I understand how you feel. Even our father says my sibling is selfish and self centered, so it's not just me.
You must take care of yourself and you deserve a life. I have now hired a care company to be back up to my dad when I am gone. Dad is happy to pay. He knows he can rely on them to run errands and keep him company in his ALF way beyond what staff can do. It gives me piece of mind. The only thing that would be better would be to send the bill to my sibling. If your siblings won't help and your mom cannot afford to pay, tell your sibs they can show up or pay up...but they cannot get off Scott free. You need to set limits on your siblings and your caregiving.

I would not call it hatred, but I do resent that my siblings are not taking their responsibility to take care of their parent. Their selfishness is apparently not just no concern for their mother, but also no concern for me. I try to focus on the fact that it is clearly right to care for my parent. So get satisfaction from knowing I will have no regrets. I also am setting an example for my children on how to care for me. I try to just forgive my siblings and know that my record of how I lived is mine and theirs is theirs. I’d rather be me, with no regrets.

I am sitting here crying so much because I know how Forgotten2 feels. I’m actually feeling it right now and have been feeling it since 2016. Both of my parents have dementia. And I have a small family. I have a brother and sister in law. I have a daughter that lives out of state. I am overwhelmed and yes I am growing more and more resentful of my brother and sister in law. I feel in a family that “knows what’s going on” because I tell them...I should not have to repeatedly keep telling them help is needed. It has been 3 months and my brother doesn’t even speak to me anymore and I have no idea why. Sometimes I feel this is just his way of NOT helping by putting up this fictitious wall so that I can’t say anything. And I feel my feelings are valid as far as resentment. To make matters worse, they live closer to our parents than I do. I have tried to make some changes on my behalf by having someone come into the home to help but this is really expensive but me and my parents are doing it. They begged me to please not put them in assisted living or a nursing home. It’s just hard, and I’m tired and overwhelmed. So Forgotten2, it’s okay to feel what you feel. I truly understand. I bet you when your siblings were growing up your mother was there for them, right. And I bet that was a decision she made because they were her children and that’s what good parents do. I guess it didn’t rub off on them. Praying for you and all of us whose there and been there. Bless you.

Definitely - with the irony being that they have always been and continue to be the ones my mother showers with love and gifts, unlike me. In my case, I also finally see that they always treated me badly too, despite my years of free baby sitting, house sitting, pet feeding walking whilst they were on vacation, yard work etc etc etc. I just don't like them as people. They are dishonest, greedy and unempathetic. I finally see that reflects on my mother and them, not me.

You have NOTHING to feel guilty about. You deserve to be appreciated and to be given a break if they are able to do so.

I have the same situation, but my mom is in a retirement complex with full service and a visiting nurse and my mom has additional home care plus me, she has Alzheimer’s. I still work but I see her 4 days and oversee everything. We sold my moms condo and that is what is paying for this. My sisters do nothing, haven’t talked to my mom in years, yes my mom was extremely selfish when we were growing up, so my sisters say this is the reason they feel they don’t have to help, nether are married or have children, I am and do have a daughter, in fact she is the only grandchild. So my revenge? Trust me, I’ve had a long time to think this through, here’s what I did. When moms stuff went into storage, and we moved her onto a lovely one bedroom, filled with her favorites that would fit safely and give her a sense of still having a lovely home, because her day to day cognitive disappears at an alarming rate, anyway she had a townhouse filled to the brim, after moving mom in , what was left I gave my daughter first choice of furniture , linens and whatever we deemed mom would never miss, which she has not asked about anything I have gotten rid of. The rest of the stuff? I’ve sold on Facebook and I’ve put the money aside so when mom passes, I’m taking a wonderful vacation, with my husband who has tirelessly worked beside me, calling moms creditors, (she had so many missed bills including HOA bills,) trying to reduce the interest so we could clear her name. My sisters have actually not seem my mom in over 20 years, zero effort. I got POA when we suspected my mom was ill and as far as my sisters are concerned, if they ask where the antiques and furniture have gone to, I will just smile and say, “you didn’t care 20 years ago, why should you care now.” Doing the right thing to me is far more important, yes my mom was selfish, but she’s my mom. You need to ASK your siblings for help, they are using you! Tell them you are exhausted, it’s why I moved my mom to a full service apartment with care, I was exhausted. The money may all dry up and I won’t see a penny of inheritance but I got her diamonds, and I know mom is taken care of and safe, so I can still work a job I really like.

My god, you are not evil - you are an angel, a saint. They are the evil, selfish ones and to me you have every reason and right to resent and hate them for the way they are and their refusal to help. I would disown them if they did not get involved to help. They are very cruel and just don't care. Can you have it out with them to try to establish some new ground rules for help? If not, I would just cut the ties - they are simply not worth it. Just because of who they are does not mean they must be in your life. You do what YOU feel is best for you and what you want to do and don't let anyone take advantage of you.

You know what , get over it and ask God to walk this path with you . He'll stay with you . Believe it . I'm in almost the same situation with my husband . He's 93 and I'm 83 . He has a daughter who is a medical doctor and he has two sons both professional guys. They have NEVER asked to watch him, care for him if I need to go out , help him get in the tube, clean his bottom when he soils his underpants,, cut his hair etc. Sometimes I just cry but I never forget my God who sits high and looks low. But you know what whenever they do call I play it off and just say ,Oh he's fine, and I do this and I do that, I never let them know i have a hard time . They know what Alzheimer's is they have discussed it with the doctors when he first began to develop it. But when he passes, they are the ones who will suffer because they will realize how much love they missed spending time with a WWIl Vet ,a Hall of Famer football player , ,a loved Christian person who raised his children when their mother was a drug addict . They are missing out so much because they like to party and impress people . YOU HANG IN THERE GIRL You're stronger then you think . God doesn't leave his children . You'll be blessed for taking care of God' child . You'll see. Blessings and Peace be unto you.
Signed : Walking In Your Shores .

Not to worry you’re not alone!

While I understand your justified frustration, I am going to offer another perspective.

My sister was/is dealing with the dead-beat dad of her daughter. When she was discussing her anger with her therapist, the therapist observed that my sister uses that anger as a source of much needed energy.

I know I was cussing my useless BIL up and down as I mowed his parent’s yard when he, once again, “forgot” to do it as he said he would. And, yes, that anger did give me energy to push the mower around the yard.

The down side is the anger lasted longer than the yard work. and that hurt me in the long run.

I hope that you are able to find ways to get help in caring for your mom that aren’t your siblings.

Out of my three sisters-- one could do about 20 to 25%,,, but no more due to her demanding job. The other two were far away with their own problems-- both financial and parental as well-- so they could do nothing except come at Christmas and in the summer. Mom did get to see them and recognized them even though she was in severe dmentia decline-- in 2019 she died. In Oct 2020 Mom was allowed to be buried next to her husband in Arlington National Cemetery--- only one sister could attend the ceremony due to Covid-- the other two sisters and my daughter have asthma. So the ordeal is behind us all as a family. I killed myself dealing with it all. But as a Christian I did my duty since I am the oldest and most mature. So if I were you-- I'd let it all slide off my back like a duck in water. OR you can let the unforgiven-ness basically make you sick and yes bitterness can develop into cancer-- your choice. Choose well.
Jesus said-- Forgive them-- they know not what they do-- and most do not since they are not there-- and are not seeing the day to day. But you are. Thank GOD for you. I consider myself the luckier and most blessed since I got to see Mom the day she died. And I was the last to touch her warm head as it got cold.

I’m getting a little annoyed by all of the finger-pointing in these responses. The primary message appears to be that it’s “her choice” to be resentful and overburdened and how SHE needs to change as opposed to her siblings. While reframing the situation psychologically would help, it does not dismiss her justified feelings of resentment. I’ve taken care of my mother both physically and financially for over 30 years. This has been a HUGE sacrifice for me financially, personally and professionally. I long ago came to peace with my circumstances and feel only love for my often difficult, less-than-perfect mother, but when she dies, I will never speak to my brother again. He is gainfully employed, lives in the same city as me, and only shows up for holidays. He calls my mom about four times a year, feigns occasional concern for her, but has never given me one penny of assistance (and certainly no physical assistance) in all of those 30 years. I’m friendly with him, but ONLY for my mother’s sake. When she dies, he will be dead to me as well. Harsh, I know - but the next chapter in my life, whenever it comes, will not include anyone who exploits me for their benefit.

I feel sad for a few of my siblings. They are missing out on spending time with our Mom. I don't get mad at them for not being present in her life or not pitching in. Just sadness for my Mom and them. When she does pass on, they will probably feel guilty and wish they had made the effort to see her. What they don't understand is, My Mom lives in the moment now. In those moments, there are lots of great memories with her. I cherish those. I am making videos ,taking pics to capture all I can. I even capture her melt downs.

Don't add another layer of self-doubt or self-reprimanding. You have enough on your plate. The short answer: YOU are human with the gamut of human emotion(s). I believe what you identify as JEALOUS is likely feelings of OVERWHELM, STRESS - and more.

Remember, hatred is an emotion that will cause YOU to suffer, not them.
It will support YOU to identify how you actually feel deeper inside. It is amazing that when we do this, feelings change. It is TOTALLY a selfish act to forgive another as the benefits are totally healing for YOU, the forgiver.

* Deeper than feeling jealousy, you need to find a release and support for yourself by enlisting an/other/s to care for your mom.
* Since they live out-of-state, ask them to help out financially to employ caregiver support for you/r mother.
* When you hear this 'inner self-sabotaging (evil, selfish brat) - S-T-O-P and reframe your thoughts. "I am stressed out. I want to go out for a nice dinner and relax. I need time out for me."
* If you practice self kindness, it translates into self-healing and will give you room to feel more positive energy, have more energy.
* You need to enlist your siblings to support you - talk to them ASAP.
* Learn to love yourself and do nice things, like buy flowers to remind yourself of the beauty in the world . . . the beauty INSIDE you for doing what you are doing.
* IF your sibling do not thank you and express appreciation for all that you are doing, TELL THEM. I need . . . (acknowledgment, support, appreciation).
Gena.

The whole reason I went searching and thankfully found this website was because of the resentment I was feeling toward my sister. I moved my mom in with me last summer but the resentment had started a few years before and stems from taking care of mom. My sister's life went on as normal as if mom didn't need more care/attention. She traveled out of the country for weeks at a time without worrying about who was going tend to mom. If I even thought about going somewhere for a whole weekend, I made sure someone checked on mom. I never resented her living her life. I just wanted her to acknowledge that she had an elderly mother that was in need of more attention and step in more often.
Now mom is living with me...and she is high maintenance for many reasons other than being 95. She has lots of "needs"- a new mattress, a new wheelchair (she has 2 ), a new chair, ( it just needed the screws tightened) new shoes ( she has a closet full), more paint supplies (she has a roomful), and the list goes on. When I suggest that my sister help her with some of these "needs" she says no
that she wants me to do it.
So I feel resentment towards both my mother and my sister. However this sight has helped me learn to look at things through different lenses. Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. I am learning to not sweat the small stuff, take one day at a time, to make mom's life as pleasant as possible, and to find simple things that make me happy and spend time doing them.
Focus on what you can do to make this journey easier for you. Focusing on the resentment (which I have done) only makes our lives more difficult. There will be an end to the caregiving and you don't want any regrets.

Take care and know you are not alone in this journey. God sees you and knows.

Instead of just being angry at him for his lack of involvement, my sister and I told our brother what we needed. Some very specific clean-out tasks . Yeah, that didn't work either.

I took care of my brother for 10 years after he had 3 strokes and double brain surgery. I have 2 other brothers who live out of state and they said I had to do it because he lived 2 blocks from me. I didn't mind doing it and never asked them to do it. Eventually my health started failing and I could no longer do it. He has a friend living with him now who takes care of him, but I've been sick 3 years and don't have anyone to help me. And I am angry. I put my goals on hold to take care of him. Now, I need help to sell my house and relocate out of state and buy something near where I can get treatment for a rare genetic blood disease. They tell me they can't help. They would rather their only sister die than have to make a few phone calls and maybe a trip here to help me clean it up and list it. They will go out of their way for friends and people they don't even know. I was always the 1st responder when it came to family needing help. I helped take care of my elders, my brother here, and helped them financially when they needed it. We were always close and never had issues. Till I got sick. I never got married or had kids. I don't live in my homestate anymore but only planned to live here 2 years before moving home. Than my brother moved here and got sick. I had to give up my dreams and help take care of him. Now, I need help and have no one. I do not think its wrong to be angry. What you are doing is selfless. What they are doing is selfish. Just don't run yourself so down you get sick and can't take care of anyone. And know that if you ever need help...you won't be able to count on them. The writing is already on the wall. Best wishes and enjoy the time you have with your elder. ❤🙏⚘

Forgotten2, I am sorry you are going through this. You are not wrong to feel hate or to plan on severing your relationships with them. I know a lot of people will tell you that hate only hurts you, but if that's what you are feeling now, so be it. You can work on that issue later on your own or with a counselor.

My 84 year old mother with dementia has lived with me for 4 years. My brother (lives 7 miles away) and sister (lives 2.5 hours away) do almost nothing to help her or to provide respite for me. I never could have imagined that they would abandon her. My dad died of Alzheimer's complications in 2015 and they were more involved then, despite him being somewhat absent in our lives. I have begged them to please either call or text our mom every day because it definitely still registers with her that she has talked to them. Almost every day she asks me if I know why they are angry with her and why they've abandoned her. Recently I checked her phone and it had been 12 days since my sister had called or texted her. There is no excuse for this. She works very hard full time but has zero other obligations in her life other than to herself and her cat. I asked her several years ago if she could spend 2 of her 5 weeks of vacation each year taking care of our mom. Her response was, "That's not how I choose to spend my time off." I recently told my brother's wife that my brother should think in terms of what kind of relationship he hopes to have in 20 years when he's 80 years old and his only child (daughter) is 40 years old. Does he hope she will call? Stop by? He will be devastated if she does to him what he's doing to my mom.
I am still working through what kind of relationship I want to have with either of them after my mom is gone.

You're not alone & you are justifiable no matter where they live.
I have disowned my two sisters.
One lives 15 minutes away, the other in AZ.
I may sound like I'm a bitter person, but I'm not.
I am angry, hurt & betrayed &
others should not judge unless they have walked a mile...
I have helped my Dad for 8 years & moved in with him for the last 3 1/2yrs. after a fall he took.
My husband lives at our house & comes over nightly for dinner, does all the honey- dos around my Dad's & does everything at our house.
We have reasons why he cannot move in with us but we do what we have to to make our life work.
I truly have an amazing husband!!
I have zero regrets of taking care if my Dad.
He & my Mom took care of us, now it's our turn well my turn.
My Dad started having heart issues 2 weeks after my Mom's passing in 2011 he also has lung issues due to chronic pneumonia/bronchitis since I was young. His macular has progressed to almost no vision & now he is weak & unsteady.
My one sister would on occasion stay "the weekend" arriving around 5 or 6pm after she "took a nap"
She would either leave by 9am the next morning (not even 24 hrs) or if she felt generous she would stay until Sunday morning which was far & few.
All she did while she was here was sleep. No engaging in conversations with him, in fact most times she'd arrive in her pajamas & leave in them.
My other sister would come to visit 2 times a year spending an hour with my Dad & then all the other time at her in laws, her children wouldn't even bother to stop by, IF my Dad went to dinner that would be the only time he would see them & basically they'd be talking to everyone else & not him.
AZ sister was really great at armchair cheerleading telling me what I should be doing.
They have not stayed up for days taking care wondering if he would be alive, watching to see if he was breathing....she wants to stick him in a home.
Which IS NOT ANYTHING MY DAD WANTS/WANTED.
He should be in a home, really why?? So he'd be away from HIS home where HE feels SAFE, away from his beloved cat that I hear him thank God for nightly for???
So he can be ignored by his daughters & their families even more????
They never call just to see how he is, sometimes 6, 7 months will pass before he gets a call & that's usually prompted by something THEY want.
My AZ sister reported me to adult protective services, because she didn't like that I didn't put him in a home.
This upset my Dad, not to say myself.
I asked my sister who lives close 3 months in advance if she could stay 1 night, so I could do something special for my husband's 60th birthday.
(which by the way they went on a weeks cruise to celebrate my brother in laws 60th)
All of a sudden my AZ sister came out that very night & the both stayed over.
I asked my sister multiple times for over a month when my other sister was going to be out & was lied to.
I asked other family members & was never answered but they took him to dinner that night, so they ALL knew
Actually this bothered my Dad because he was unprepared for it.
My family has been pulling this crap for YEARS & now uses the virus for an excuse.
You can't catch the virus by a phone call or by sending a card....
The words tired, sick, in pain, vacation & day off are NOT in my vocabulary! & yes I still work full time! now from home...I was just taken by ambulance to the ER for an illness & my sister never asked once how i was, she was throwing a hissy fit that she may have to come for the night to be at my Dad's.
Fyi...I was released & was to rest, but the next day I was making meals, washing dishes, doing Dad's laundry, & grocery shopping.
Tell your family to go to hell & then never look back, you nor your Mom need or deserve family like them.
I no longer call them & keep them updated on his Dr, medical & it's made life for Dad & myself harmonious.
If they really wanted to know they'd call & keep track....they do not.
Your feelings are justified!!!
Stay strong

Do you REALLY love doing for her? I thought originally that I didn't either mind doing for them, sort of payback for all both my parents have done for me. But really, I often am their real life Cinderella. Yes I do stay under their roof (my childhood home) rent free which is how I make ends meet, and I take some responsibility for that, but my less than empathetic sibling washed her hands of ANY family responsibility beyond calling daddy 2x a week to BS him and say she loves him. Well, when ever did she lift a finger to provide any physical labor? When did she ever spend hours scrubbing poop out of bedding or clothing or off a floor? She can't so much as acknowledge an email from me, let alone call ME once in a while and ask how I am (especially in light of the load taking a toll and my nearly dying last fall from an aorta dissection which resulted in emergency surgery...which she had the balls to BLAME ME FOR (because in addition to cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry, escorting, bookkeeping etc I should have KNOWN I had high blood pressure). I told her via email that if she wants others to care about HER, she might show some concern about others to which she responded how my emails do nothing but spew hate and anger or similar, AND that she doesn't care if nobody cares about her. A couple months ago one of her two elder, ill cats passed away. Who do you think got the call and offered sympathy and compassion and an ear? More recently it was my father who informed me of the loss of her remaining cat. She apparently recognized she burned her own bridge (to me) and didn't inform me. I feel badly, but now she has created her bed, same as she likes to remind me. I understand your hate, but it is not something I can afford to waste energy on as much as the thoughts haunt me daily. It is unsettling, sad, to be so disconnected from a relationship that one expects to endure through the years. I got over her baseless decision to move far away out of state, and leave this all in my hands. In fact, she was laid off from her job last fall, and if she had cared, she could have moved back to be helpful. But she doesn't like snow and cold. POOOOOOR baby. The bottom line, like so many of us in these situations, is that we are the mature, responsible adults and our siblings are self-centered, irresponsible, excuse filled pieces of you know what. And we're stuck unless we put forth even more effort to see what programs or help is there for US. I have no advice, only an understanding hug...to let you know for sure you are not alone. Go to a support group and discover how sadly you are not alone, but that things could probably be worse. But to confirm: YOU are not selfish, they are; it is NOT jelousy, maybe a little envy, laced with justifiable burnout. Call your area agency on aging and see what resources exist for you so that you can get some time off you can count on weekly. You are not alone! Don't forget.

I am the long distance caregiver for my 98 year old mother, who lives independently but has some memory issues. I do everything for her, and I mean everything! My 2 siblings do nothing to help at all. Except one calls her almost every day. This helps me in that she gets psychological support.
What helped me was: 1. Realizing I am not perfect, but that I am trying my best 2. Her moods were giving me burnout, but I realized it is part of her dementia and slowly this helped 3. My brothers seem not to care superficially, but after some really good talks, it seems they realize how hard it is, and they could not handle it themselves--and underneath all the telling me how great things are for them, they do understand and in fact seem to be trying to cheer me up. 4. Yes I did feel resentful for a while but now realize that when our elderly parents pass and we have done what we could--with no help, it seems--God will reward us in the end, even if no one on earth will. and we will feel satisfied and happy about it all.
Be easy on yourself. If you are doing your best, then just acknowledge that about yourself. Try asking your siblings to pitch in, maybe a small thing at a time (maybe they can call her more?), and if nothing else, try to give yourself a much needed emotional break by talking and laughing with them about some cheerful topic, to get you away from the present just for a minute.
Like respite---but just brief, in your own head.
Hope this helps....

Hi, I really feel for you. I am the long distance caregiver for my elderly 98 year old mother who has memory problems and otherwise lives independently. sort of. That is, I take care of everything--and that includes all of her home delivery orders for food, meals on wheels, banking, taxes, electric bills, yearly rent where she lives, and tons of other things. My 2 brothers, well are not in the picture. Except for one really good thing and that is that one of them, who lives overseas, actually calls her almost every day and this is a source of joy for her.
Yes, I'd have to say I am sometimes resentful, because alot of things can be done online, and anyone who can call can also arrange for things she might need--it is a digital world now. But no one offers (did you expect otherwise???). Alot of my resentment comes from the fact that my mother is not easy to deal with, and ( I discovered this is pretty typical) she is much more pleasant with the 2 sons who live far away.
The way I dealt with my resentment, which is now ebbing, is that 1. I realized after having a good talk with one of them, that he just couldn't handle her decline emotionally, and moved away. Yes he was not being responsible, but I felt much better when he acknowledged how much I had taken up in doing what I do for her. It did damage our relationship, but after going through open discussions with him, things got alot better. 2. I realized that a simple thing such as a daily phone call made my mother so happy, that it takes alot of the burden off me as far as her mood. Very important in avoiding burnout!
3. I finally realized that even if no one else seems to appreciate me (superficially), underneath they really do and 4. When they talk about the good times they are having, they are trying to get me out of my (chronically) bleak mood, and cheer me up. 5. I finally realized I am not perfect and well, that's the way it is. I'll do my best, as well as I can. and 6. Even if no one in this world will reward me for my efforts, ultimately God will, and it is all worth it....
One day, when our loved ones pass, and we were the ones caring for them, with next to no help from anyone else, we will know that we gave as much as we could, and will feel satisfied with that choice in our lives.
Hope this helps. You are not alone!
I hope you can find

Of course, anyone would feel upset with siblings that do not offer assistance in caring for a parent, but even more so knowing that the siblings are traveling and enjoying themselves with little concern for your labor of love in caring for your mother. Although such anger and resentment is natural, expressing those feelings verbally with your siblings would help alleviate any burden or pressure that you might carry with you due to anger. Then they will know how you feel and if they still don’t want to help or appreciate what you are doing for your mother, you can go on without without feeling disgruntled. Once you state your case, you will be relieved and be able to focus on your mother instead of your siblings.
Every person makes choices that will impact their lives. You have made a better choice. God bless you and all who make the choice of caring for their loved one in their time of need.
It was difficult caring for my mother with Alzheimer’s, but my brother told me I will be rewarded in heaven.
I agree and I never regretted taking care of her. It was and is the most rewarding accomplishment of my life. We will all need help when we reach the stage later in life.

Honestly, you are getting a gift they don't know they are missing. Precious time with your mother. They are the ones that should be jealous. Send them lots of pitures of you with your Mom. Tell them cute stories she is telling you but leave enough out that they'll wish they heard it first hand. "Lost time can never be found," is a saying in the old one room schools. Very true in this case. Once your parents are gone, it is a void never to be filled. Enjoy it while it lasts. I have the same situation, my brother lives out of state and comes to see my father and my mother before she died for about two hours. She had alzheimers and he always said she was crazy. I am hurt for my father, he misses him. If they only knew, my feeling is someday they may be sitting alone and thinking that karma has won in the end. I wrote my brother a poem entitled 120 minutes. It bothered him, but didn't change any behavior. He stops for two hours then goes on his ten day vacation. I am not supposed to mention it because it stresses him out. No account for the stress I've gone through. I am the youngest but act as the oldest. Always have been the responsible one. At least I know where my father is concerned I will have no regrets. The will also reflects my brother's actions so I've been told. That was not by my suggestion. Your siblings might realize later, or not. Thinking of you!

It took years for me to get over it. My sister and I took care of my parents and the other three were nowhere to be seen. Two were estranged and hadn't spoken to Dad for years. When they were notified by my sister that Dad was in hospice they called him the next day, to reconcile and be sure to get their inheritance. My blood boiled! Ultimately, I wrote a book about it entitled Loving Choices, Peaceful Passing: Why My Family Chose Hospice and focused on the peaceful death my father experienced at home, under the care of my sister and me, and with the help of hospice. The siblings were barely mentioned. It helped.

You do not regret caring for mom, very noble and admirable! However, you do want the ability to get our more often: dining-out experiences, travel... Those are not selfish desires but your hunger to get a little more "you" and what you desire back into your life. You are feeling that loss and that is the source of the uncomfortable feelings.

Start with some self-searching. What has changed from "the usual" when your started caring for mom? Be as specific as possible: earlier mornings, no lingering over coffee and the paper, no more going out with friends on the weekends, decreased sleep, intimacy changes... Decide on which of those changes are things your really desire (travel, eating out) and which you really need (more sleep?).

Help! How much time would it take - weekly and monthly - to get back some of that "usual"? Now, ask for help: family members, friends, faith community, paid help for weekly and monthly help so you can get some of that usual back - especially those that impact your physical, mental, and emotional health. Try to get help weekly and monthly to do things without mom - dine out with friends, take trips... since you need to have a a complete life - things your experience with her and life you experience with others. If you need to hire a sitter, pay for it with mom's finances. She would pay more in a nursing home or assisted living.

Do not feel guilty about "non mom time" since burn out is a real problems for caregivers as well as isolation. "Non mom time" builds resiliency in you. It will also get rid of those uncomfortable feelings when siblings share about their experiences. Now, you can share with them about some of your own! Many caregivers feel a bit adrift when caregiving is no longer the mainstay of their lives. You will rely on that "non mom time" when you no longer need to be her caregiver and all your time becomes "non mom time.".

You are not selfish, they are.

I call my brother, his wife and his daughter and her family ufpos. Useless, freeloading pieces of sh^t.
They never come down to help but always have their hand out whining for money. Mom is stupid enough to give it to them. Meanwhile I do all the work and get nothing.

Perhaps it is time to put your foot down and inform your mom that if she refuses to demand they start helping out, she needs to look for a seniors home.

It is unfortunate that the majority of times one sibling does all the work while the rest are no help at all. We are not appreciated for our commitment.

Bing on the site for a while I hear this scenario repeated over and over again. It does not matter what country you live in.

They won't offer - or they would have already. Ask. Even if they live out of state, can they come for, maybe, 2 weeks at a time so you can have your own vacation. Maybe each of them do 2 - 2 wk times per year. Make it sound like it is very minimal time, which it is. 52 weeks in the year and they cover a total of 8 weeks. It's not selfish - it's way more than fair.

If they refuse to give you that, ask if they will pay for a caregiver for a total of 8 weeks a year (be prepared to negotiate that amt of time).

It is very difficult to listen to siblings talk about how they go here and there without even the slightest consideration that you aren't getting to do those things. I don't think siblings who do this even listen to themselves talk. One sibling told me she phoned in-law siblings to 'set them straight' about how unfair it was that her hubby wasn't getting help with their mom. Really???? I'm not getting help either. They talk to talk. Yep, it creates anger, but for me it is not worth the big blow out and creating a great divide between me and the siblings. Not to mention, my anger only upsets me because these people think being a caregiver was all your own doing so not really their problem. And, I suppose it was my own doing. Just never thought they would be able to watch me doing 24/7 all alone or unable to participate in my own family/life on the other side of the state. Easier to just do one day at a time. We all have to make our choices based on what our hearts say we 'can live with'.

hug!!

you wrote:
“Now I never want to talk to them or see them ever again.”

—
i understand.