JessieBelle Asked October 2017
It's like I'm two people -one calm, and a very angry person under the surface. Does anyone else feel like the Incredible Hulk?
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I can so relate. When mom was living with us, I would avoid her so I wouldn't have to put up with, "my daughter (me) put itching powder in my clothes,", "I have a terrible headache." or screaming anything else at ear deafening decibels. How sad that is. I didn't want her to sleep during the day, thinking she would sleep better at night. Wrong! Didn't seem to make any difference. Some days she actually slept less because I think she was "over tired" from being awake all day! Sheesh. We finally had to give up and take her to another memory care facility. The hysterical screaming at 2 am was the final straw. God bless you as you struggle through.
Only001,
No, this CAN'T be true; "he “praises god for giving him a girl so he could be taken care of in his old age.” It’s my “duty to honor him like jesus obeying god to give his life for us all.” What a crock of cr*p! Good for you, he deserves a NH with that mind set.
Yes, I had a mini-meltdown last week after my DH fell again and this time it took me 40 minutes to get him into his lift-chair.
Sadly, I console myself with "forbidden fruits" - no, not drinking, eating. Ice Cream comes and goes in this house.
Anyway, for what it's worth, my 2-cents says "yes, I feel like this too."
I feel like a "frazzled weeble warrior woman" which explains my avatar.
After you have done this to your satisfaction, you need to mourn (the loss of who your mother used to be.) Unlike the quips of "being unable to fix stupid," what she is doing now isn't stupid; and though one knows this when it happens, it doesn't always come to find when it's in progress. How you handle the upcoming and ever evolving changes that she will display will help you cope and keep your sanity; especially when those questions come within the mark of a minute instead of 5 minutes. It's going to happen, but the better you make yourself acquainted with what's next will be a whole lot cheaper than jail, a criminal record, getting arrested or getting T shirt that blend with all the other angry people out there who are doing the same thing to show their own version of a personality.
For the hostile part of your personality; nothing like returning to childhood to get our aggression: video games (like Dave and Busters) or archery to pierce something has a satisfying response.
With my mother I walk away. The FTD woman wouldn't let me walk away, so I blew at her. I guess we are a bit like pressure cookers that need to vent a little steam so we don't blow all at once. At least I didn't do anything but curse her once, then leave the building.
I think what happens - I know it happened for me - is that when you’re the caregiver to an especially difficult and demanding person - it does feel a bit like you are continually throwing bits and pieces of yourself down a bottomless pit.
With these elders who are mean, self absorbed and entitled- it’s not like there are hoards of relatives and friends who are standing in line to get their chance to help you out. For whatever reason that brought you there - there you are - alone. And for whatever reason - real or perceived - you just can’t walk away, even if you know it would be in your own best interest to do so.
So - you take it and you take it. All the while watching more bits and pieces of you chucked into the pit. The thankless, ungrateful, unending abyss.
In a attempt of self-preservation you try to hang on to something that is just for you - yours. They can’t go there and YOU control what goes on in this little island of calm sanity and self preservation.
For JessieBelle it is - was - the gym. For me it was my home with Rainman and my husband.
You get - some days - particularly those hard days - where hanging on to the thought of going to your happy place, your safe place - that is all that is keeping your soul and mind from snapping like a twig. So, you hang on to it - you bide your time and scrape together some moments just for you all the while thinking “...another hour...I just have to finish...let it go, don’t argue...”
When my mother was shoving that book down my throat she was crossing over into my “safe place”. She was telling me what to read in what little free time I had, telling me I had to take the book - even interfering with my relationship with God. I give and I give and I give - why the hell does she have to force her will - her way - into every corner of my life? Why wasn’t my “no” good enough? Was I to sacrifice everything to her? Even my free will - because she demanded it?
I know I could have just taken the book without arguing - without all the drama - and simply chucked it, first trash bin I passed - but I futilely and foolishly had hoped that I still mattered to her - as a person - as her daughter- someone who’s needs and opinions still mattered and had value. Someone more than what I was to her.
So yes, in the end I did toss the book into the first garage can I saw - but after my mom having torn off another piece, handing it to me and telling me to toss it into the bottomless pit. I do wish I could shift my perspective and see it as a win - thank you GA for trying to get me to see it that way.
The Hulk has been at rest pretty much all day. Occasionally it has tried to come out, but nothing has perturbed me enough. (Just trying to work the thread back on course if anyone else wants to talk about their own personal Hulk.)
Like others have expressed - it’s understandable when it’s inappropriate but to change it just to make it more zippy - is just wrong.
Don't like my words changed either, was that even necessary?
Feeling green and kinda hulky, cannot help myself.....
But, I am going to stop. Everything cannot become an important issue or else I will continue to want to blow! Dropping this now.
I thought the editors didn't work on the weekend
If you find yourself not able to do care-giving any longer, your mom will be okay.
Loads of folks tell me (on this board and elsewhere) that their parents will die if placed in a nursing home/AL/Memory Care. Sometimes that happens, because they are at the end of their lives--just like the Hospice discussions we keep having.
Most elders, even mentally ill elders, adjust to new living circumstances, with the help of staff, family, and meds.
There was a point in my life, right after my marriage dissolved, when I thought about offering to move in with my mom, pay rent and try to get my life back together. I didn't and in retrospect, am ever so glad that I took the path that I did.
We make choices in life; just be sure, JB, that you are choosing to stay with your mom for the next 10 or 20 years. And not being forced into that path by Fear, Obligation and Guilt.
cwillie, what you wrote didn't sound cruel at all. I have these two people living in my brain -- one hoping something will happen so I'll be free and the other not wanting that. It can be a struggle of the two parts of me.
Sunny, I'm not paid for doing this. My mother is leaving me the house, but that is more of an albatross than a blessing. What I would really like is to just leave without worrying about anything. What I do hope is that I don't die the week before she does.
RainMom, you can take credit for that. The comments you made on taking the book not only spurred me to respond, but I did so on a reactionary basis, not even realizing that I was giving advice to myself.
I've been thinking about our respective comments and reactions, and realize that I'm advising you to do what I have had difficulty doing. Things often happen too fast and before I realize it I've lost common sense.
That especially happens when one of the neighbors asks me why I haven't done something that she thinks would improve the look of my father's yard.
RainMom, you're a better caregiver than I am! (With apologies to Kipling and Gunga Din for changing the meaning of that famous quote.)
Funny you should mention the older gentleman. We stayed friends. He got married this summer to a lovely woman near his own age. It was a nice wedding and reception. I still get kidded about him being my boyfriend. Now I just gasp and say he's a married man.
I can imagine your ordeal, only if by a fraction, as my mom, though, not with dementia, suffers from horrific, debilitating, painful and serious ailments on a daily basis, though, is perfectly healthy, save recurring UTI's, IBS and acid reflux. (Most of which her doctors think are caused by anxiety.) So, I have to wonder if she too will be a very long living sick person. She's now in her 70's.
I'm not trying to pry, but, are you at least confident that one day, you will be compensated for your years of total devotion? I would think that would concern me. She may no longer be able to consider that, but, hopefully, there will be some justice to this.
You found a way to circumvent the whole issue.
She didn't bent you to her will; you found a way not to allow that to happen, by removing one of the tools she could use. You disarmed her.
Is your soul really in a bottomless pit? Or did you circumvent that by removing the book?
I won't deny that I have difficulty and work on not letting myself become a victim, so I try to think of ways that I've maintained my independence and am able to see both sides of a challenging situation. I don't always succeed, but I try.
Congratulate yourself on defusing a situation w/o revealing to your mother what you really did with that book!
A few years ago I was at my moms IL doing my mandatory soul-sacrificing, ie caregiving, when my mother started telling me about her neighbor who had given my mom some sort of book about Jesus, the word of God and all that. My mom didn’t want the book anymore and was trying to get me to take it home with me. Mom seemed to think I would become better at sacrificing my soul if I read in this book that - A. It was my duty to do so, and B. God would look more favorably upon me if I did - read the book.
In general, I’m not a big fan of Organized Religion - and it’s accomplishing propaganda. Add in my mother trying to force me to do yet another thing that I didn’t want to do - and there was no way in hell I was gonna take that book. That book instantly became a symbol for me trying to hang onto the small sliver of my own life and the sanctuary that was my own house. I. Was. Not. Taking. That. Book. Home. With. Me.
My defiance, my not immediately, and subservantly doing as I was told - to pick up that book and put it in my bag infuriated my mother.
My mother launched into a hateful and cruel verbal spewing of epic proportions- her head practically swiveled 360 degrees while hosing pea-green slim. All in the name of me taking this book and being a better Christian.
In the end, I took the frickin’ book - only to toss it in the first garbage can I came across while exiting the building.
But still - just picking up that book and leaving with it - letting my mother win the battle - that she could and would continue to force me into bending to her will - now and forever - we’ll, it was just another chunk of my soul being thrown into the bottomless pit.
JessieBelle, I so feel for you. I used to find other frail elders easier to cope with than my own mother, but anyone under 75 - God, I was a bear. Hungry sleepy bear with a sore paw.
I'm better, now. Getting there, anyway...
Shall we start a badge thread? "Hazcare", for example, and we'd have to come up with a symbol for the yellow sign, too - a falls alert pendant, or a walking frame maybe.
My mother's condition is hard to guess at. She has been actively dying every day for at least eight years. It may be mental illness or factitious in order to get people (me) to do things for her. I realize she is in her last mile of life, but she is only progressing an inch a day, so she may live much longer. I don't know what is real with her, since our days are filled with imaginary illnesses and problems. This sounds cold to say, but it is what I've been seeing. She'll be 91 next month.
only001, I know exactly what you're meaning. It is so hard to keep putting effort into a bottomless pit that insists we owe it to them for some reason. I really dislike it when someone hits me upside the head with the bible. That is religious abuse for sure. We get locked into this thinking we're taught as children -- if we don't do what god says, then he is going to be unhappy and we'll go to hell. It won't be just for a day, but for an unrelenting eternity with no relief. And god not only sees everything we do, but knows everything we think. Goodness! That could scare a kid half to death, don't you think? I know I still play this scenario in my head when I think bad stuff. I wish I could purge it from my thoughts. Looking at it now I know it is abusive teaching.
Jessie, what's the status of Mr. Amour?
But now Send is feeling green as well. Uh oh! Is there some type of caregiver malady that makes us feel green when we're exhausted?
OTOH, Jessie and Only have hit on something I've read about periodically over the years - the release of endorphins which improve moods, although from what I've read endorphins primarily reduce pain. (I'm probably not sharing anything that folks here don't already know, but it's a nice reminder, including to me.)
Petting animals can produce positive feelings, especially of relaxation. I understand that works for the animals as well. My niece used to take her children to a child/animal interaction event when the children sat on the floor, petted dogs and read to them. Apparently this is a very mutually beneficial activity.
And we bring pleasure to animals when we pet them, then we feel better and more relaxed as well. Therapy animals are real treasures. They've even helped veterans deal with PTSD.
Okay, anyone who's feeling green and thinking that her/his skin is turning green, find a dog or cat to hug!