I've had a rough last couple of days. It's like I'm two people -- one calm, and a very angry person under the surface. The last two days it hasn't taken much to set me off. I haven't done any damage, but it is hard on me to feel this way. I guess it's a bit like road rage, but I'm not in the car.
Yesterday I was out and this older woman that has frontal dementia was pushing at me. I told her to leave me alone, but she got closer and said she was going to talk to me. She wouldn't stop, so I had to leave. Wouldn't you know, she followed me and started in again. I lost it and snarled something so unlike me to say in public. I had to leave.
I knew a big part of the problem was that I got away from my house to get a break from my mother for a while. Then this woman with FTD ruined my safe place. What I really wanted to do was push her down.
I know I need to get a grip on the Incredible Hulk. Even as the anger was happening, I was split, with one side saying I could take the high road and the other wanting to push the person on her butt. I don't like feeling that way. Today when I got up, Mom said she needed some more lancet needles -- like couldn't she have told me that Monday-Friday when the drug store was open all day. Grrrrrr!
Let me up. I've had enough. Maybe I should get a t-shirt with a warning "Don't poke the tiger."
(Begin rant:) It is a soul-deadening task taking care of bpd/narc elders who believe they are entitled to your help. My dad tells me all the time he “praises god for giving him a girl so he could be taken care of in his old age.” It’s my “duty to honor him like jesus obeying god to give his life for us all.” I completely hulked upon hearing that. (Thanks for turning god into a narcissist and making jesus a poster boy for child abuse, old man.) As soon as he’s eligible for asst lvg or NH, I will have no qualms about placing him. (End rant)
Small acts of kindness do wonders for one’s brain - releasing hormones to improve the mood, lowering blood pressure, generally making the world a better place.
I *know* I am being more than charitable to my father, and to purge myself from his vile attitudes, I go out of my way to help strangers, even if it’s as simple as holding the door open for them. Tiny kindnesses like this keeps me (almost) sane and (mostly) humane.
So being kind can be good medicine for anger? Who would have thought? The brain is a mysterious thing.
Today was like that for me, pushing myself beyond to meet his needs above my own.
Feeling a little green, a little like road rage too, and even hoping that homeless stranger did not speak to me, but he did.
Home feels like a prison, getting out feels dangerous, it's Saturday nite! And I am home.
Reading your post I can't help but remember how awful things were about 3 years or so - I'm still surprised mom and I survived
Last spring when the nurse from her LTC provider came to do the annual assessment she said something kinda interesting in that little outbursts are healthy better than keeping it bottled up -
If that's the case, then that might explain why mom at 94 hardly has any wrinkles
Of course I'm turning into more of a crone with each passing day
If at possible, send mom to adult day care, or get a caregiver a few hours a week and get yourself to lunch or a movie, the gym or anything
It isn't pleasant to live with someone who you absolutely dread and who watches the most dreadful TV. :-P
Seriously, I'm just trying to make a joke about this to offer some light banter and raise your spirits. And just as seriously, I think mood swings and quick responses when provoked and aggravated are part of caregiving. We're often pushed to the limit yet still expect to work like pack animals. Of course we're going to burn out.
If it's any consolation, I'd become annoyed when someone has provoked me, especially like the manipulative control freak who loves to complain about my father's front yard and ask why I don't clean it up, to HER specs.
And you have a high level of conscientiousness about your mother's welfare, so you're thinking of her and her needs probably most of your waking time. And from what you described, I think your mother knows this and knows how to "pull your chain."
Can you hibernate in your room and just chill out? Just getting away from your mother for a while will help. But I have a feeling she'll create some reason for you to come out and attend to her.
I read something last night about frontal dementia. One of the characteristics of frontal lobe damage is the loss of empathy and knowing how to treat other people. I have a feeling I've been getting too big of doses of frontal lobe damage for one person to deal with. But then I look around at all the people who are waiting in line to help. Sigh. It is discouraging that the world is so cold.
I know how you feel 'cause I felt that way too when my 94 yo mom (stage 6-7 Alz) was living with us. Some days I thought I'd really loose it when she'd scream at the top of her lungs. I started doing that too. I felt like I was going insane. Wonder what the neighbors thought?
It doesn't help that I've felt more anxious in the last 2 years with other family member stuff. I made a very poor decision to bring my mom home with us when her rent went too high. Her living here only lasted 3 months but it felt like 3 years. It really is too much for one person (even with hubby's good help and a night time c/G4 nights a week) to handle. It is a "going out of your mind" situation. We couldn't sleep-let alone together in the same bed. It started affecting our marriage (he couldn't stand to see me so stressed). He was the one who suggested she live with us in the first place!
We found another memory care facility that she can afford and we moved her there last Friday. It feels like a vacation, it's been quiet and no breaking our backs or going insane with her confusion.
The only way out (other than drugs for her and/or you) is to put her in a facility. We need to give ourselves permission to live our lives the way we have chosen. God knows, I'd NEVER want to do this to my son. Just put me away and check up on me occasionally.
I feel for you. Good luck.