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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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My mom has dementia (partially) and Parkinson’s. She is immobile and has to be carried or pushed in a wheelchair. That’s not the hard part. The hard part is her neediness. She’s constantly asking for the same things and states the same worries. What I don’t understand is that sometimes she can be very coherent. Then some stressor triggers her and here comes the nagging and drama. What I’m struggling with is feeling any sympathy for her. She has never been mean to me. But she’s always been emotionally unavailable to me. I’ve always felt like I had to be perfect for her to love and accept me. I didn’t realize the pressure this placed on my life until I had a breakdown a few years back. Now that she needs me, I simply don’t have any desire to be there for her. She didn’t willingly take care of her parents (who both had dementia and one also had Parkinson’s). She would step up if asked but never with a cheerful attitude. I remember this. She’s never been a cheerful person. I know life hasn’t been easy for her. I just wished we had an emotional bond so I can care for her out of love. Right now I’m resentful and really don’t understand why I can’t get over it and just be there for her the way a daughter should be. I’m seeking replies from those who have any understanding of where I’m coming from. I don’t need judgement. I’ve judged myself enough.
Her health (or lack of it) is stealing your life. Why wouldn't you resent it? It's normal to feel that way. We aren't all meant to be Little Mary Sunshine!
My mother liked to publicize that everything was wonderful between us, but in my mind, it wasn't. She had dementia (fully, LOL) for 5 years. It was terrible to see her suffering, and I was much relieved when she finally passed at 95. I managed her care, performed some of it, kept the business going to support her and dad, neglected my own work, navigated other pesky family relationships on her behalf, and yes, I resent it all to this day. She was married to my dad for 70 years but didn't help me with him at all when he was dying. When I asked for help (that she wouldn't have had to do herself because she had an employee she could have spared to grocery shop for dad and me one afternoon a week, which is what I was asking), she refused while telling other family members that she just couldn't think of any way to help. She wrongfully attacked my character when I was only 10. I cried for days because of what she said, still get teary over it sometimes, and I never felt the same about her after that. I was the scapegoat who caused her to get a cold at the school Halloween carnival because if I hadn't been going to school there (no choice, so ???), she wouldn't have had to help with the go-fish booth (her choice, but somehow my fault, so ?????). She lied about me to family members when I was an adult, disliking me for something I didn't even do; it was all made up in her head out of need for attention, and she got a lot of sympathy for her "pain." She was addicted to pain pills and tobacco during my childhood, which greatly affected our home life. She had an affair when I was a teenager, disrupting our household considerably. As a child, I didn't realize how unstable she was overall. I learned early that at my times of greatest need, I couldn't count on her. Then caring for her in her final illness stole 5 years of my life.
So yeah, a lot of us have had stressors as you do. We survived. I moved my family 900 miles away from my mother when my kids were tiny tots, and it was the best thing I could have done. We then had a better relationship because she couldn't feed off of my daily life to create drama.
You say you can't "just be there for her the way a daughter should be." Well, how should a daughter be? You get to decide that. Your kind of daughtering is up to you. My kind was to move far away and maintain a friendly relationship because of my kids. Your kind might be to stop speaking to your mom. Or limit contact to infrequent visits in her care facility, no phone calls, no sappy kissy huggy stuff.
Please stop being a caregiver for your mother, it’s unhealthy for you both. A resentful, unhappy caregiver will never be a good one. That’s not said with judgement, it’s just a fact. Your history with mom prevents you from being the right caregiver for her. Time for another plan for you both, no apologies needed. Call the local agency on aging and find out about her options for care, also her doctor, and a local social worker. Remain firm you cannot provide care. I wish you both peace
"Lewy body dementia is a progressive brain disorder that affects thinking, movement, behavior, and mood"
Dementia also robs you of empathy. The person can get self-centered. Lewy body can make people aggressive. IMO, if your Mom is now in a wheelchair and Dementia has set in and you don't feel you can care for Mom, time to place her. I would say Longterm care because she will only get worse. She is too much for a private Assisted Living or Memory care. I would say a nice Longterm care that takes Medicaid if she has no assets. I agree that you need to talk to an Elder Care Lawyer.
First I have to say that I chuckled when you said that your mom has only partial dementia. There is no such thing as partial dementia, though she may just be early in her dementia journey, as yes folks with dementia do have good and bad days. And just so you're aware the dementia that usually goes hand in hand with Parkinson's is Lewy Body dementia which is the 2nd most progressive dementia with a life expectancy of just 5-7 years, so she will go down hill quickly and will be much harder to take care of. With your justified feelings, it may be time to look into getting mom placed in the appropriate facility where she'll be looked after 24/7 and you can get back to just being her daughter and not her resentful and overwhelmed caregiver, as I have a feeling that you'll only grow more and more resentful as time passes and that isn't fair to either of you.
I think I was in the "sandwich "generation." Taking care of our parents, while bringing up our child,. My friend is in the "Club Sandwich " scenario, taking care of parents, wanting to see her kids, and needing to see her grandkids!! I certainly could not juggle that.. I barely could juggles the Sandwich scenario., We csn only handle what we can do. Geez, can you imagine what Joe is going through ? And yet, Jane is doing this., ya, I don't know.. some people have more superpowers than others, I certainly can only handle a little., most of my plate has been emptied; everyone is gone, except my child who says I'm on my own. She's been there done that.. she's done.. I don't blame her. . I have my living Trust and DNR, and POLSTand POA Directives on paper.. TAG SHE's IT! 😬🤣 Did I just put all that on her??? YUP!
I absolutely trust that I too will leave this earth.., hopefully with love , kindness, snd laughter .... just be nice, appreciate the little moments, tell your LOs you live then, thank you.. THSNK YOU! Even the lil misspellings,
when was the last time you saw a double rainbow? What was the difference between them? Weird, I noticed it., nobody else noticed until I pointed it out..,
MG8522 said it correctly. Find mom a good place ALF.. you can the concentrate on the things that need to be done; like, being there for your mom as a daughter, living, loving, and caring.. you don't need to stay in the facility for any longer than her energy allows... mom may be getting tired snd needs to rest.. take her cue of grumpiness and excuse yourself..I forgot I have frozen food in the car, I must go.. don't forget to leave her treats and for her caregivers.. even if it's just a roll of Lifesavers...! But then again they may be a choking hazard..⚠️
My kid was pulled into the realm of life and caregiving..she had no choice.. the only choice she had was to visit a grandma. Do you want to visit The Who knows who you are and can say hello? Or the one who gazes aimlessly and doesn't act act like she knows what is going on??? You have a choice. You need to go with one of your parents and visit one if your grandmas... I suggest you visit the grandma who can speak...and knows who you are by name.,,, Life lesson....
When ALL ELDERS have deceased, includes her dad,.... she is basically done... "Do not expect me to "care" for you." and I don't.. she is busy creating her own life.. heck, I didn't go through all of that as a kid.., Grandparents were in another state. Saw them once every 5-8 years.. I was not involved in any of this caregiving scenario.. only what I heard my parents say.. I did not get to hear about my heritage from my grandparents. I missed out.. with that being says, my mom felt guilty by not being there when her parents were going through this. She did go and visit, but she couldn't stay for the long run..same with dad..., So....
You don't need to do this, and in fact you shouldn't do it just because you think you should. Move her to the appropriate level of care facility, and reclaim your life. A mother who loves you would want that for you. See an elder law attorney about how to pay for this, if necessary. (In case you need more persuasion, doing all the lifting in and out of her wheelchair, bed, etc. plus toileting or diapering, and bathing, is going to end up ruining your health if you continue to do it by yourself.)
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
My mother liked to publicize that everything was wonderful between us, but in my mind, it wasn't. She had dementia (fully, LOL) for 5 years. It was terrible to see her suffering, and I was much relieved when she finally passed at 95. I managed her care, performed some of it, kept the business going to support her and dad, neglected my own work, navigated other pesky family relationships on her behalf, and yes, I resent it all to this day. She was married to my dad for 70 years but didn't help me with him at all when he was dying. When I asked for help (that she wouldn't have had to do herself because she had an employee she could have spared to grocery shop for dad and me one afternoon a week, which is what I was asking), she refused while telling other family members that she just couldn't think of any way to help. She wrongfully attacked my character when I was only 10. I cried for days because of what she said, still get teary over it sometimes, and I never felt the same about her after that. I was the scapegoat who caused her to get a cold at the school Halloween carnival because if I hadn't been going to school there (no choice, so ???), she wouldn't have had to help with the go-fish booth (her choice, but somehow my fault, so ?????). She lied about me to family members when I was an adult, disliking me for something I didn't even do; it was all made up in her head out of need for attention, and she got a lot of sympathy for her "pain." She was addicted to pain pills and tobacco during my childhood, which greatly affected our home life. She had an affair when I was a teenager, disrupting our household considerably. As a child, I didn't realize how unstable she was overall. I learned early that at my times of greatest need, I couldn't count on her. Then caring for her in her final illness stole 5 years of my life.
So yeah, a lot of us have had stressors as you do. We survived. I moved my family 900 miles away from my mother when my kids were tiny tots, and it was the best thing I could have done. We then had a better relationship because she couldn't feed off of my daily life to create drama.
You say you can't "just be there for her the way a daughter should be." Well, how should a daughter be? You get to decide that. Your kind of daughtering is up to you. My kind was to move far away and maintain a friendly relationship because of my kids. Your kind might be to stop speaking to your mom. Or limit contact to infrequent visits in her care facility, no phone calls, no sappy kissy huggy stuff.
Please let us know what you decide to do!
Dementia also robs you of empathy. The person can get self-centered. Lewy body can make people aggressive. IMO, if your Mom is now in a wheelchair and Dementia has set in and you don't feel you can care for Mom, time to place her. I would say Longterm care because she will only get worse. She is too much for a private Assisted Living or Memory care. I would say a nice Longterm care that takes Medicaid if she has no assets. I agree that you need to talk to an Elder Care Lawyer.
And just so you're aware the dementia that usually goes hand in hand with Parkinson's is Lewy Body dementia which is the 2nd most progressive dementia with a life expectancy of just 5-7 years, so she will go down hill quickly and will be much harder to take care of.
With your justified feelings, it may be time to look into getting mom placed in the appropriate facility where she'll be looked after 24/7 and you can get back to just being her daughter and not her resentful and overwhelmed caregiver, as I have a feeling that you'll only grow more and more resentful as time passes and that isn't fair to either of you.
My friend is in the "Club Sandwich " scenario, taking care of parents, wanting to see her kids, and needing to see her grandkids!! I certainly could not juggle that.. I barely could juggles the Sandwich scenario.,
We csn only handle what we can do. Geez, can you imagine what Joe is going through ? And yet, Jane is doing this., ya, I don't know.. some people have more superpowers than others, I certainly can only handle a little.,
most of my plate has been emptied; everyone is gone, except my child who says I'm on my own. She's been there done that.. she's done..
I don't blame her.
. I have my living Trust and DNR, and POLSTand POA Directives on paper.. TAG SHE's IT!
😬🤣
Did I just put all that on her??? YUP!
I absolutely trust that I too will leave this earth.., hopefully with love , kindness, snd laughter ....
just be nice, appreciate the little moments, tell your LOs you live then, thank you..
THSNK YOU! Even the lil misspellings,
when was the last time you saw a double rainbow?
What was the difference between them? Weird, I noticed it., nobody else noticed until I pointed it out..,
you can the concentrate on the things that need to be done; like, being there for your mom as a daughter, living, loving, and caring.. you don't need to stay in the facility for any longer than her energy allows...
mom may be getting tired snd needs to rest.. take her cue of grumpiness and excuse yourself..I forgot I have frozen food in the car, I must go..
don't forget to leave her treats and for her caregivers.. even if it's just a roll of Lifesavers...! But then again they may be a choking hazard..⚠️
You have a choice. You need to go with one of your parents and visit one if your grandmas... I suggest you visit the grandma who can speak...and knows who you are by name.,,,
Life lesson....
When ALL ELDERS have deceased, includes her dad,.... she is basically done...
"Do not expect me to "care" for you."
and I don't.. she is busy creating her own life.. heck, I didn't go through all of that as a kid..,
Grandparents were in another state. Saw them once every 5-8 years.. I was not involved in any of this caregiving scenario.. only what I heard my parents say.. I did not get to hear about my heritage from my grandparents. I missed out.. with that being says, my mom felt guilty by not being there when her parents were going through this. She did go and visit, but she couldn't stay for the long run..same with dad...,
So....