Please share ONLY positive experiences with long-term care facilities for your mom/dad. It is a hard decision and I read already millions and millions of bad stories, but there should also be good ones....?
In-home care is impossible in our case. It's too expensive and having dementia, mom should be watched 24/7. She was living in my house for 15 years. The last two years were a nightmare before she finally got aspiration pneumonia because of never listening that she should not eat solid food. Now either I should quit my job and completely abandon my kids or she should be in a facility. (90 years old, dementia, dysphagia problems, hypertension). All money that I have will be just for one year living without a job, then what? I will be without insurance being only a year ago a cancer patient.
She is now in rehab and even now I dont have a quiet life, because I am going there every day, checking on her. I have no idea how I can manage all that at home. Her mood is going up and down every day. One day she is alert and nice and another day she is completely out of mind, asking 60 times per minute the same questions... I visited already several NH in my area, some nice, some not. I put her on a waiting list for a good one, but I need some reassurance that nursing homes can be not so bad...Thanks and sorry for a long story. And I am practically an only child. (This is another sad story, as her son does not want to help at all.)
One thing I learned really quickly was that it is useless to call and ask how she was doing. I learned that if there is a problem, they would call me....I also learned that giving the CNAs a twenty now and then did wonders...I'd give the better ones two or three twenties a year and so when I asked them for "special" assistance, they came through quickly.
Grace + Peace,
Bob
So since she still has some awareness she was soooooo mad at me for putting her in that hellhole! But of course it isn't a hellhole. It took a bit over 2 weeks for her to accept it and I had to stay away for almost that whole time. But when I visited again, she showed me around her new place and was very proud of it! So now I visit every day, sometimes for 15 minutes and sometimes for a couple hours. Sometimes I take her to the zoo which she loves, for an hour. Some days she is fine with the place and some days she hates it. I've just developed a thicker skin and after my imaginary "complaints boundry" is met, I tell her goodbye and preserve my own sanity. She is safe and cared for. I do all I can for her. So I feel no shame or upset that she is not happy all the time. She still has some responsibility for her own happiness and if she is determined to be unhappy then nothing I do will change that. Once I realized that it was like a weight lifted from my shoulders!
So check with your local "Area Agency on Aging" (Google it) and they have the list of all facilities in your area. It should be in a grid form with columns for Medicaid, rehab only, medicare (basically for rehab), private pay, private pay with spend-down for Medicaid, etc. So it's fairly easy to cross out the private pays and rehab onlys and then you have a list of what is available for Medicaid. Then go visit each one. Forget appointments. Just go. There will be someone to show you around. They like appointments so they can present the best light, but you want to see them as they usually are. If you can find a non-profit, you might have better luck there as they are not *soley* concerned with money. Not always, but for the most part. Good luck!
in my country of birth children took care of their parents no more than here, some do and some dont, only our's NH are nightmare comparing to here. So people prefer to hire somebody at home. I would like to do so too, but it looks like that mom will need more professional care than just a nonprofessional caregiver, and professional caregiver at home cost fortune. So it is practically NO choice for me.
It’s very difficult to give up the care of a loved one to strangers. Perhaps in your home country it was expected of children that they would care for their aging parents, yes? Do you fear that your mom will not receive the care she needs if you are not there to do it for her? I agree that the staff needs a chance to get to know Mom and the care she requires. If you’re always there, that’s not going to be possible. You can visit more than once a week, but try not going every day. Mom will be able to communicate. The staff st the facility is used to dealing with people who have communication issues. They will help your mother understand.
My Mom is on a special diet also: ground meat in a divided plate and a Sippy cup. At times I find it hard to watch her eat. My brother and SIL have eaten meals with Mom when they visit.
My grandmother was on medicaid and received good care at this facility. There were a couple of CNAs in particular she adored.
I had guardianship over a relative in 2015. She had Alzheimer's and then was bedridden due to a broken kneecap which needed to be elevated.
The NH was about 5 miles from my house, so it was very convenient. The building was older and a bit shabby looking, however, the staff there took very good care of her. The lady who bathed her and changed her bedding daily was a very kind and giving person. I visited her daily, which I think makes a difference because the staff knows a family member is watching, but I agree with what someone else said about not visiting your mom every single day.
I don’t have an easy answer for you but don’t quit your job and sacrifice your life for the last bit of your mom’s life. It can be very hard to do but I think we have to find that balance of caring for loved ones and caring for ourselves also.
Wishing you luck......
I have worked in several nursing homes over 20+ years in different towns and cities and there are many "GOOD" nursing homes. You need to remember that these are "Institutions" and that they have rules and regulations to follow that you might not agree with, but that you have to accept. And "Yes", understaffing has always been a problem in nursing homes.
I would suggest that you do NOT visit your Mom EVERY DAY in order to give your Mom time to get used to the nursing staff and the facility routine. By not visiting every day, you are also showing the NURSING STAFF THAT YOU TRUST THEM to take care of your Mom. If you ever see a "problem" or have a question, please talk to the nursing staff in a calm, respectful, professional voice with minimal emotion. The nursing staff will most likely respond to the same way. If you go into the facility, with "Guns A-blazing----looking for trouble" then you will find trouble.
Give yourself a break and visit your Mom once or twice a week. Maybe eat supper with her if you work during the day. The cost is usually $6-10/meal for yourself. I think that if you have found a nursing home that you like, then that is where your Mom needs to go. Good Luck.
I had a very good experience with a care facility for both parents. It is a private pay place, a little more staff, less turnover. Mom passed away but Dad is now in the memory care unit at the same place. This is in WV.
I think it can be a real crap shoot. As good as our place is they are still understaffed. All these places are.
But keep in mind, none are perfect, maybe not the care you would do personally, but you can’t do 24/7 memory care without killing your self.
I would try to line up a place and transfer her directly from rehab. If she comes back home it’s just that much harder to move again.
Can I make one suggestion though? Do you need to visit every single day? That’s stressful in itself. If Mom is being well-cared for, let the staff handle it. Give yourself a break.