Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
1 2 3
sorry, hit post answer twice
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Sounds like you were groomed for this role by your mother. How did she treat your father? Like trash and he just took it. If that's the case, your husband may be meekly falling into that role. You and your husband need a counselor to help both of you become a team against her I wish you the best.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
helenb63 Jun 2020
You say: 'Your husband doesn't understand it for it likely makes him feel that he is second fiddle to your mom. He doesn't want an explanation. He wants you back.' I don't see how he can feel second fiddle when he knows I would rather not have much to do with my mum and resent the time and energy we spend on her; sadly, all he wants is a quiet life with no emotional hassle.

I just wish he would say he sympathized even if he can't know how I truly feel, and offer me more moral support. If I bring this up he complains that he is 'pig in the middle' and can't please us both, which drives me mad as he took vows to me, not her.
(4)
Report
Because you agree to be the whipping post scape goat caregiver.

No is a complete sentence and is totally acceptable to say.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
helenb63 Jun 2020
Easier said than done!
(10)
Report
See 2 more replies
Yes, that and sexist expectations. I have been no contact with my cruel borderline personality mom & dysfunctional family many times during my life.

I often wonder if the golden child has inherited the personality disorder. I haven’t seen my brother up close during my life except for now while caregiving our parents. His behavior is like mom’s in many ways - including no conscience, lying, manipulative.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
notrydoyoda Jun 2020
Very often a child will absorb certain characteristics of their abuser as a defense mechanism which does not work for they become just like their abuser.
(4)
Report
See 1 more reply
As the daughter of a Narc mother, the only thing that has saved me from sinking deeper and deeper into the emotional mess that I was becoming (or perhaps, did become for awhile) was to go grey rock with her.

She doesn't even notice. I did 8 months of cancer TX last year and she never called or inquired of anyone how I was. (sick, very, very sick).

When I went to see her, after chemo was over and I had just begun to grow some hair, her first words to me were "Oh, and you used to be so pretty". What a backhanded compliment.

Last week was her 90th birthday. My YS asked us to write her a letter and include good memories and such that we had of growing up. I just. Couldn't.

So I gave her a generic card and called it good. I'm sure YS thinks I was being a prima donna, but I won't lie to mother and pretend I feel like everything is peachy. I wasn't mean, I never AM, but I also do not have to kowtow to her.

I need peace--for myself to heal from a horrible year of being sick, and for my own self protection.

Sad for Y with whom mother lives. My SIL says she and YB fight all the time and he gets really, really angry. They both wish they'd never moved her into their home. 22 years now.

I remain a classic 'overpleaser'. But I choose whom I care for.
Helpful Answer (13)
Report
Goody2shoes Jun 2020
We were trained to be abused. We were very young and didn't know what to do. They always need a victim to torment. You were "it" and nothing you could do would change things. I hope you have given up trying to make her care about you because she never will. I hope you can heal from all the years of abuse. These people are horrible selfish beasts and do not deserve your attention. But they never change.
(10)
Report
See 6 more replies
Helen,
If you haven't already, do some research online about being the daughter of a narcissistic mother.
It's very eye opening!!
You sound like many of us.
The classic "over pleasers "!
God bless!
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Helenb, I too am the scapegoat/whipping post with my older sister 'golden child' doing nothing for our elderly parents. You ask why it happens? I think it is because we grew up putting our own needs secondary to our parent's needs. We made our parent the higher priority in our lives.
You have realized you are drained and exhausted. You also have realized your need for autonomy and space which you rightly deserve. Your mother's current needs seem to be somewhat minimal, but that may change. I suggest right now instilling very firm boundaries. Decide the frequency and duration of contact you can have with your mother. Decide how much "help" you are going to offer and how much you want your husband to participate. If your mother is like mine, she can drain the very life out of you and your husband and anyone else in your family you are willing to serve up to her. Read about boundaries and search youtube, because it literally saved my life. You and your husband deserve peace, and you are not responsible for the emotional and physical well-being of your parent.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report
helenb63 Jun 2020
Thank you. I have done lots of research and am working on boundaries, but it is difficult when she doesn't accept them and (for reasons unknown to any of us) is unable/unwilling to make friends or a life for herself in her apartment block - which is full of really interesting people, however old they may be! She has vertigo so won't walk anywhere, and hearing loss makes independence harder even if she wanted to be independent, which she doesn't. She has always relied on others and failed to make the most of her beauty and brains- no doubt this is partly why she is so angry and bitter now.

My feeling of freedom over the three months of lockdown when we have not been allowed into my mum's place has made me more determined not to go back to how things were, but I am not good at standing up for myself and am worried about whether I will be able to undo 50-odd years of mental/emotional conditioning. I mean to try, though!
(4)
Report
See 1 more reply
I am having therapy now, actually, but still can't do much about the fact that my mother lives a few minutes away! We don't want to move, as we came here to 'enjoy our retirement (!)', and in all other respects it's a great place to be. I have read a lot on narcissistic mother-daughter relationships and now accept that I will never 'win her love and respect', but that doesn't alter the fact that I have to deal with a husband who doesn't really understand why she makes me feel this way (even though I've explained it often enough) and with the social pressure to 'be a good daughter'.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
SMacArthur Jun 2020
I was in a similar situation. My husband, who is wonderful and I have a very good relationship. I also did not understand why he did not really believe me when I told him about the things I was experiencing with her. Especially since he had similar experiences with one of his family members where he was the usual target. These incidents were too frequent and bizzare for him to really believe even though he knew I am not a liar or given to exaggeration. Plus she adored him and was always extra nice to him. That changed when she moved in with us and she started slipping up and doing/saying things that he was able to witness. He had to see/hear her to really understand what she was doing and how abusive she was. For a while it was like living in the Twilight Zone. But I knew he was smart, on my side and would eventually get it. And he did.
(6)
Report
See 2 more replies
Plus what others have already posted, there is also the generational belief that daughters are often (usually!) the ones who are supposed to be the parent's caregiver.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

I think you nailed it - Brother may have disobeyed her or she sensed he was about to, so time to find a new golden one: your dear Husband.

If your DH upsets her, Brother may regain his golden shine overnight.

I don't suppose you could move?
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

You answered your own question. Your husband is humble. Narcissistic people pick out humble, empathetic people because no one else will put up with them. Read Boundaries by Henry Cloud.
Helpful Answer (15)
Report
helenb63 Jun 2020
I'm ordering that book!
(4)
Report
See 3 more replies
I've read a lot of posts from people in your situation and here's my take on it:

Your mother moved near you because you are the one she has designated throughout life to be the slave to her needs. The golden child is above all of that, your needs and desires are the very last in the family hierarchy.
When the abused child becomes a caregiver it is because they have been conditioned to appease, to avoid conflict, to place themselves last and have never had therapy to understand differently. Somewhere down inside there is still a desperate child longing to finally win the love and respect of the narc parent.
Helpful Answer (30)
Report
xrayjodib Jun 2020
cwillie,
Amen!!! Nailed it!!
(7)
Report
See 1 more reply
1 2 3
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter