Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
✔
I acknowledge and authorize
✔
I consent to the collection of my consumer health data.*
✔
I consent to the sharing of my consumer health data with qualified home care agencies.*
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
Dying spouse is well enough 3 or 4 hours a day to talk to the caregiver but he won't text or call adult son. Now my son is hurt and angry and doesn't want to fly to see dad. Any suggestions?
Spouse texted son last night. I'm not getting involved anymore. It's tough for me because I'm still angry with him as we were in middle of divorce and I stopped that due to him dying. I'm glad he lives in another state because his mental health has been going down the last 4 years. He was just diagnosed in January and hospice told us Friday he will pass in the next 4 weeks.
I want to make sure son is good and he will go again when father is actively dying. I still have to decide if I will go but we lived separate for a long time.
Ignore the silly demented behavior and explain it to the son -- have him do the same. You will thank yourselves down the road. Folks who are suffering from mental decline cannot be held responsible nor should they be allowed to ruin lives and relationships. Tell the son to bring photographs of the two interacting and enjoying a Good Relationship. Tell the son to bring lots of forgiveness with him. Remember the dementia is a disease... stop respecting the evil thing. It takes over the host and rewrites all sorts of experiences in a most negative way. Ignore it. Love on the Dad as if it were when he had his real memories.
Given that you had issues with your husband before he became ill, yet you are still advocating for him indicates you are a good person.
I am sorry your son feels hurt. It may be that your husband is experiencing dementia, unless he has always been dismissive toward you or other family members.
In any case, given your situation, do what feels best to you. You know your situation better than anyone else. No one has enough information to judge you, no matter what path you take.
He is dying from liver desease. If there is any Dementia type signs its from the toxins in the bloodstream. This happens in late stage. So not an excuse to not contact son early on.
Both you and son will be the ones left after this man has passed on. Ask yourselves what behavior will give you each the most peace as you replay the way you conducted yourselves at the end of his life. The last chapter is not concluded yet. What indelible ending do you want to write?
bevthegreat: The OP states two hours ago "Just a little information, my husband is a jerk and never maintained a relationship with his son. ............... His father is an alcoholic who didn't want a relationship with anyone. .............."
Lovinghb, I agree with you at this point. You have done what you can. Its now between father and son. And you going to his funeral depends on you. My Ex had no funeral because his sister had him cremated. He had become like a Hermit with a friend we share running errands for him. I think I may have gone to his viewing, maybe stayed for the service but that would have been as far as I would have gone. I was only married 5 yrs though. Not enough history there. I was only involved in his death because our mutual friend figured I had info on the family which I did. Once that was given to the Coroner, he took over and contacted exSIL.
Seems like u and son have a long history of alcohol abuse by this man. You finally were able to walk away. Glad he contacted your son. Doesn't mean son has to hop in his car and drive to his Dad. If he does, thats his choice. I hope you all get closer here. Once Ex passes, you and son need to just put it all behind you and move on. Please do this. I have a 66 year old cousin who, even with therapy, has not been able to move on from a rotten childhood. And my beloved Aunt was part of the problem. Not the problem, that was his Dad, but my Aunt had her faults. She has been gone over 20yrs and his Dad less than that. And he still brings it all up when we talk.
Umm ...since when as the dying person one has to think of others and their wee feelings. IF he doesn't want to talk to his son, then he doesn't want to talk to his son. Im sure the son knows why. It then becomes his monkey and circus so if he wants to be hurt and angry. Let him be
Just a little information, my husband is a jerk and never maintained a relationship with his son. Their relationship was sending text messages every 2 months. That's it. My son has never done anything to make his father act like this. His father is an alcoholic who didn't want a relationship with anyone.
But come on, if you can physically send a text to your kid, give the kid some peace of mind at the end of your life.
Sorry but no matter what.....your son is not the one thats dying. I believe your son should look at the bigger picture here and make an effort. He will surely be glad he did when his father is gone. Your son can give his father some peace of mind at the end of his life.
It is a difficult situation to address. The answers in here so far have been very good. It is up to your son to make the move. His Dad is about to disconnect forever. Your son may choose to connect the last time or not. I realize that in this society the child is superior to the parent. However in such terminal cases the child can and should bend his neck a bit, even clear the air between them, even apologize for HIS PART in the situation. Your son may want to save his pride, but pride will not soothe him but will keep him awake at night and there will not be any way to make up with his Dad. He can just come in even just for an hour. For me to know that my son valued me so much to make this magnanimous gesture would greatly ease my way. It will help you son for the rest of his life. Just coming to see his Dad may be enough of a gesture to make up things between them. Dad is dying, it will happen; for your son's sake I feel you should try *not to force* your son but to make him *see* what younger people have trouble seeing, that compassion and magnanimity are far better than stubbornness and pride. Best to all of you!
A wise person once told me that you have choices in life and with those choices come consequences - both Good and Bad. If the dying father is aware that his son has been trying to reach out to him and rejects that - that's on the father. Is it sad - yup, but a relationship is a TWO WAY STREET.
lovinghb, I'm so sorry for the situation all around. You did what you could and what you thought best.
I don't know how old or young your son is but I hope at some point he is able to come to terms with the type of father he had and release the anger and hurt so that he is able to live a good life full of joy. Your son has made every effort to communicate with his father and he can do no more than that.
I also hope you can come to terms and overcome anger and hurt that you suffered in your marriage so that you too can live a joyful, good life.
any individual can only control what he or she does. The important thing is for your son to know that he did his best to communicate with his dad. As long as that is true, it's OK. if your son comes to visit [and I hope he does] and his dad won't see him, at least you will get to see your son and get his support for you. This is especially true as I imagine you can use some support.
I've read the replies all are from good-hearted people mho. Things change, one never knows. Our family had an experience with our father when he was in the VA hospital on his last days. It was a true gift.
He was manic-depressive (His mother committed suicide when he was young. They were from Finland and new to America, no family, or friends, father alcoholic and she just wanted out but left a note stating she could not bear any more children. He was the only child.) He had an exceptional IQ and was promoted to adjutant general because of it (yet would rant about the war as if he was in the battle field). A child prodigy on violin or any instrument for that matter. Arts, and gifted writer.
There was abuse as children. Severe. One could not move or even breathe without him noticing and "paying the consequence". There were good times (camping, hiking, trips in nature) but the knowledge that the crazy behavior and abuse could crop up suddenly made it never safe to relax.
Mother was told by ministers to honor her vows "til death do you part". (I eventually convinced her to obtain a divorce and helped to get him placed in the VA hospital).
None the less, we children and mother saw him on his last days. Each coming from different states at different times.
On this final days at the VA hospital he became this other person. Lucid, gentle, articulate, remembered events and places. Loving and kind. He said he was grateful that the family had rallied around him. A totally different person. He was full of light and love not rage.
My mom and I were walking in the gardens and she said "That's the man I married".
I was so grateful to have had that experience - to see how it would have been without that horrific mental derangement - it was a true gift.
If it were me, I would talk with my son and say your father is dying, so he won't be the one left dealing with the regrets or what if's. Make peace with him so that once he is gone, there is nothing left un-said or un-done. Learn from your fathers mistakes. Don't become him.
There’s a lot we don’t know here. What was their relationship like prior to now? Why doesn’t your spouse want a visit from his son? Something doesn’t add up.
I think the son is aware his dad is dying and if he doesn't want to see him (and hasn't seen him) then I think it best to leave that decision to him. Say your thoughts about how life is so short and forgiveness is more about healing ourselves than seeing others free. But if he still chooses to stay away then leave that to him.
My father was married prior to my mother and had a son from that marriage. He had an affair with my mother and left his son and wife. His son wanted nothing to do with my dad after he became an adult because of how he hurt his mother. Can't say I blame him. We contacted him when dad was ill but he didn't respond. I don't think it was my brother's job to reach out - my dad never apologized or gave a d*** how he hurt them. I think my dad was dead to my brother a long time before his passing.
If someone doesn't want to see their own parent before they die, they probably have a good reason and I doubt he will regret it either. He probably is already dead to him and he processed that ages ago.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I want to make sure son is good and he will go again when father is actively dying. I still have to decide if I will go but we lived separate for a long time.
Remember the dementia is a disease... stop respecting the evil thing. It takes over the host and rewrites all sorts of experiences in a most negative way. Ignore it.
Love on the Dad as if it were when he had his real memories.
I am sorry your son feels hurt. It may be that your husband is experiencing dementia, unless he has always been dismissive toward you or other family members.
In any case, given your situation, do what feels best to you. You know your situation better than anyone else. No one has enough information to judge you, no matter what path you take.
Ask yourselves what behavior will give you each the most peace as you replay the way you conducted yourselves at the end of his life.
The last chapter is not concluded yet.
What indelible ending do you want to write?
Was there something already between the two before?
Prayers
Seems like u and son have a long history of alcohol abuse by this man. You finally were able to walk away. Glad he contacted your son. Doesn't mean son has to hop in his car and drive to his Dad. If he does, thats his choice. I hope you all get closer here. Once Ex passes, you and son need to just put it all behind you and move on. Please do this. I have a 66 year old cousin who, even with therapy, has not been able to move on from a rotten childhood. And my beloved Aunt was part of the problem. Not the problem, that was his Dad, but my Aunt had her faults. She has been gone over 20yrs and his Dad less than that. And he still brings it all up when we talk.
IF he doesn't want to talk to his son, then he doesn't want to talk to his son. Im sure the son knows why. It then becomes his monkey and circus so if he wants to be hurt and angry. Let him be
But come on, if you can physically send a text to your kid, give the kid some peace of mind at the end of your life.
Best to all of you!
I don't know how old or young your son is but I hope at some point he is able to come to terms with the type of father he had and release the anger and hurt so that he is able to live a good life full of joy. Your son has made every effort to communicate with his father and he can do no more than that.
I also hope you can come to terms and overcome anger and hurt that you suffered in your marriage so that you too can live a joyful, good life.
I wish all of you peace.
He was manic-depressive (His mother committed suicide when he was young. They were from Finland and new to America, no family, or friends, father alcoholic and she just wanted out but left a note stating she could not bear any more children. He was the only child.) He had an exceptional IQ and was promoted to adjutant general because of it (yet would rant about the war as if he was in the battle field). A child prodigy on violin or any instrument for that matter. Arts, and gifted writer.
There was abuse as children. Severe. One could not move or even breathe without him noticing and "paying the consequence". There were good times (camping, hiking, trips in nature) but the knowledge that the crazy behavior and abuse could crop up suddenly made it never safe to relax.
Mother was told by ministers to honor her vows "til death do you part". (I eventually convinced her to obtain a divorce and helped to get him placed in the VA hospital).
None the less, we children and mother saw him on his last days. Each coming from different states at different times.
On this final days at the VA hospital he became this other person. Lucid, gentle, articulate, remembered events and places. Loving and kind. He said he was grateful that the family had rallied around him. A totally different person. He was full of light and love not rage.
My mom and I were walking in the gardens and she said "That's the man I married".
I was so grateful to have had that experience - to see how it would have been without that horrific mental derangement - it was a true gift.
My father was married prior to my mother and had a son from that marriage. He had an affair with my mother and left his son and wife. His son wanted nothing to do with my dad after he became an adult because of how he hurt his mother. Can't say I blame him. We contacted him when dad was ill but he didn't respond. I don't think it was my brother's job to reach out - my dad never apologized or gave a d*** how he hurt them. I think my dad was dead to my brother a long time before his passing.
If someone doesn't want to see their own parent before they die, they probably have a good reason and I doubt he will regret it either. He probably is already dead to him and he processed that ages ago.