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Dying spouse is well enough 3 or 4 hours a day to talk to the caregiver but he won't text or call adult son. Now my son is hurt and angry and doesn't want to fly to see dad. Any suggestions?
In one response the OP says son has texted with no response from his Dad. In another OP says he has even visited in the last couple of months. To me the ball is now in the exhusbands court. I too would not keep trying if I was getting nothing from a father I really never had a good relationship with, which the OP also mentioned.
The Son should never regret his actions. He has tried and why should he submit himself to this abuse. Because that is what is happening here. I too would just stop trying to communicate. The ex is dying. You would think he'd be happy his son was reaching out. He is the jerk. And he is losing out not the son.
Loving, step back and please don't guilt trip your son. This is not his problem its your ex's. The only thing I may say to the ex is "You are dying and before you go wouldn't it be nice to mend fences with your son? He has reached out and you are rejecting him. You are being an a**" Blunt and to the point. Then say no more. Tell son if thats the way his Dad wants to be, then thats on Dad. Me personally, I wouldn't even show up to the funeral.
My daughters father died of heart failure at the age of 69. He was found in his chair, in front of the TV with beer cans all over the floor and up the walls. He lived like a Hermit. An autopsy was done and the Coroner thought he was a homeless man. He had held down a job for over 30 yrs before retiring. He told a friend that when he retired he was just going to sit in his chair and drink beer. If he had reached out to his daughter, I am sure they would have had some kind of relationship. He made his choices and died alone. Thats how he wanted it.
You didn't say if your son calls his father and then his father won't answer the phone? Is your son waiting for his father to take the initiative? But your son may really regret not spending time with his father before he dies. He may have to be the "adult" in this situation and take the initiative to see his father. At least he'll know he did the right thing.
Sorry, I am struggling to find any adult perspective from either side. There are so many things that can turn us petulant and family encounters are certainly not immune from such feelings of wrongdoing in the past. Commonly, pride prevents engaging to address issues, thereby denying any hope to resolve or simply move on - the grievance lives on and festers like an open wound. Carrying this feeling to the grave is as nonsensical as having to live the rest of a life without ever having the humility to speak up when able. Listen to the song "The Living Years" by Mike and the Mechanics for a better understanding of lost opportunity. Express to both parties that Eternity is a very long time and decisions we make (and beliefs we hold) now may be short sighted in the bigger scheme of things. I hope some common ground can be found for everyone's sake.
Suggest they each write a letter to the other. I would suggest that son let his dad know that he is hurt, angry about this separation, and that he cares about his dad. I suggest dad that dad let son know he is hurting, getting weaker, and that he cares about his son but doesn't want to spend time in hurting each other. Praying God will create a miracle of having them forgive each other while there is life.
Could it be that hubby finds it difficult to talk to the son - emotionally? Have you asked him why he doesn't call him? Is he angry over an old event - where you could suggest he smooth things out before it's too late. Why can't the son make first move? Call and just speak for a few minutes at a time. Probably need to talk to son, too, and tell him this is a tough time for dad - however once he's gone, he's gone. Son needs to put anger aside and try to have some quality moments with dad. It might even help for son to be there in person.
When my daughter was a child, her father was not involved in her life that much. She complained about something he had or had not done. I told her that he was that way with everyone. I repeated this to a family therapist and was told that "everyone is not his daughter"
Is your husbands mind being effected by his desease. Is there some Dementia here? If so, he may not realize he is getting texts. Maybe he is forgetting how to use a cell phone. My Aunt has Dementia and just lets her landline ring.
This is their own dynamic. I would not interfere with it. This didn't come out of nowhere. Clearly there has been a problematic relationship between the two. I would stay clear of the middle of it. It is their choice and their own business. Just my opinion.
It may be that DH feels ashamed of dying from liver disease because of alcohol, and doesn’t want to acknowledge it to your son. Particularly if they have already fallen out about it, it might be difficult to avoid the subject in a call.
It might be worth your son writing a snail mail letter or card saying something like ‘We’ve all done things that we regret later, including me, and all we can do now is to make the remaining time as OK as possible. I would really like a chance to tell you to your face that I am grateful for the many good things you have done for me’. He might even do a list of the things he is still grateful for – it might help you and both of them. But there is no magic wand, unfortunately.
My sympathies are with you having to even ask such a question.
1) Not knowing either your husband or your son, I am thinking The Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. gotta love um.
2) Don’t put yourself between the two of them. Your son knows his dad is dying. Your husband knows his son is reaching out to him. I would not give either a bit of information about the other. (Well. I like the way that sounds but truth is I haven’t had my husband declared near death). This is happening to you as well. Where is the concern or consideration for what you are going through. I’m afraid I would have a problem with both their behaviors, although your post sounds a bit more sympathetic to your son.
I am very very sorry that you are having to deal with this.
Over and over I have witnessed how in the most heart rending times, some family think that surely the disagreements or hard feelings will melt away in this time of imminent death. Surely the hard a$$ will bend a knee to the situation at hand. I have been disappointed to see that a human being who has drawn a line is quiet willing to take it to the point of no return. Of course in this situation, your son is who has the most to lose because his dad will be gone and he will be alive with whatever regrets he has. Plus his dad being near death is perhaps not thinking clearly. For that reason I would be leaning towards the son needing to make the concessions if that is any help. Perhaps he would consider a visit to support you at this difficult time. I think I would not be telling the son that dad spends hours talking with the caregiver. I know it must be very hard at this time. I am sorry and I wish you peaceful days ahead. Each of these dear people in your life must choose their own path forward.
I'm going to give you the advice I am constantly giving someone in my life - stay out of the middle, you just get all the angst and possibly blame but have zero power to change anything. They are both adults and need to deal with each other (or not).
Sending you a big hug. Alcohol ruins lives, as addiction so often does. I'm sorry you're going through all of this. Prayers being sent to you, your son and your DH.
Son has visited recently, last couple of months. Doesn't really want to go back until he has too. They've never been super close and H is dying from liver disease, so there's that also.
Well, then your son will 'have to' go back when his father passes away. What does dying from liver disease have to do with anything? Is it that dad has a drinking problem and son is angry about that? If they were never close, and he's been to visit dad recently, maybe he feels he's done enough. Your best bet may be to tell your son that YOU need him to come and be with YOU during this difficult time. Perhaps then the two of them can come together and visit.
You need to explain to your son that his dad doesn't talk or text ANYONE on his phone, so it's not just him. This is not the time for childish games on either of their part, so tell your son to set his pride aside, and come see his dad before he dies, or he will have to live with that regret for the rest of his life. I can only guess that the reason your husband doesn't want to talk on the phone is the fact that he knows he's dying and perhaps doesn't know exactly what he should or shouldn't be saying, and just may not be comfortable discussing death. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this nonsense, when your husband is dying. I pray it all works out. God bless you.
More info would be helpful, but nonetheless your son should probably go to him. Even if your husband refuses to see him, your son will know he did everything to try to talk to him. That's all he can do. Not sure what the backstory with your husband is but maybe he should talk to a therapist or clergy so he can deal with what's facing him. I'm sorry you're going through this issue on top of his illness. Please take care of yourself. May you have peace in your heart.
Have you explained to your son that his father is dying, and will not answer the phone for anyone at all, for any reason? If your son wants to see his father, then he needs to put aside his hurt and anger to fly out & visit with him or he'll likely wind up regretting it for the rest of his life. If you have any idea why your husband is refusing to answer the phone or texts, do let your son know the reason. People all handle death differently, and perhaps your DH is responding to it in this manner, which probably has nothing at all to do with his son.
Now is the time to put all small differences aside and step up to the plate, in my opinion.
I'm sorry you're all going through such a difficult time. Sending prayers your way for the best possible outcome with your son & his dad.
Or the father is the one to alienate the son. My neighbor was that way. Two of his sons didn't live like he thought they should. They were great guys and productive members of society. When he was on life support, he knew they were driving to see him. Before they could get there the jerk, deliberately had them turn off the machine. That man deliberately denied 2 of his children a last chance to reconcile with their father.
Has your husband always had an aversion to the phone? I'm asking because I personally hate making phone calls (apparently it's an introvert thing) and I find chatting on the phone can be very awkward, especially calls I have initiated at a time when seemingly the other person isn't primed to talk.
One or the other needs to stop being so stubborn, but I imagine your husband feels that he shouldn't have to beg for acknowledgement and attention. IMO if your son wants to connect with his father then he shouldn't be waiting for an invitation.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
The Son should never regret his actions. He has tried and why should he submit himself to this abuse. Because that is what is happening here. I too would just stop trying to communicate. The ex is dying. You would think he'd be happy his son was reaching out. He is the jerk. And he is losing out not the son.
Loving, step back and please don't guilt trip your son. This is not his problem its your ex's. The only thing I may say to the ex is "You are dying and before you go wouldn't it be nice to mend fences with your son? He has reached out and you are rejecting him. You are being an a**" Blunt and to the point. Then say no more. Tell son if thats the way his Dad wants to be, then thats on Dad. Me personally, I wouldn't even show up to the funeral.
My daughters father died of heart failure at the age of 69. He was found in his chair, in front of the TV with beer cans all over the floor and up the walls. He lived like a Hermit. An autopsy was done and the Coroner thought he was a homeless man. He had held down a job for over 30 yrs before retiring. He told a friend that when he retired he was just going to sit in his chair and drink beer. If he had reached out to his daughter, I am sure they would have had some kind of relationship. He made his choices and died alone. Thats how he wanted it.
If asked, counsel each to do what he thinks is best.
It is between the two of them and you can do nothing about it (except not make it worse).
Commonly, pride prevents engaging to address issues, thereby denying any hope to resolve or simply move on - the grievance lives on and festers like an open wound.
Carrying this feeling to the grave is as nonsensical as having to live the rest of a life without ever having the humility to speak up when able. Listen to the song "The Living Years" by Mike and the Mechanics for a better understanding of lost opportunity.
Express to both parties that Eternity is a very long time and decisions we make (and beliefs we hold) now may be short sighted in the bigger scheme of things.
I hope some common ground can be found for everyone's sake.
Is your husbands mind being effected by his desease. Is there some Dementia here? If so, he may not realize he is getting texts. Maybe he is forgetting how to use a cell phone. My Aunt has Dementia and just lets her landline ring.
I desperately tried to be the ‘peacemaker’ between my husband and his father. I regret it.
My husband has valid reasons for his feelings and I respect how he feels.
It’s really difficult because we want the ‘fairytale’ ending. Life doesn’t always work out the way it does in fairytales.
Wishing you all the best in life, no matter how this works out for your family.
It might be worth your son writing a snail mail letter or card saying something like ‘We’ve all done things that we regret later, including me, and all we can do now is to make the remaining time as OK as possible. I would really like a chance to tell you to your face that I am grateful for the many good things you have done for me’. He might even do a list of the things he is still grateful for – it might help you and both of them. But there is no magic wand, unfortunately.
1) Not knowing either your husband or your son, I am thinking
The Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
gotta love um.
2) Don’t put yourself between the two of them. Your son knows his dad is dying. Your husband knows his son is reaching out to him. I would not give either a bit of information about the other. (Well. I like the way that sounds but truth is I haven’t had my husband declared near death).
This is happening to you as well. Where is the concern or consideration for what you are going through. I’m afraid I would have a problem with both their behaviors, although your post sounds a bit more sympathetic to your son.
I am very very sorry that you are having to deal with this.
Over and over I have witnessed how in the most heart rending times, some family think that surely the disagreements or hard feelings will melt away in this time of imminent death. Surely the hard a$$ will bend a knee to the situation at hand. I have been disappointed to see that a human being who has drawn a line is quiet willing to take it to the point of no return. Of course in this situation, your son is who has the most to lose because his dad will be gone and he will be alive with whatever regrets he has. Plus his dad being near death is perhaps not thinking clearly. For that reason I would be leaning towards the son needing to make the concessions if that is any help. Perhaps he would consider a visit to support you at this difficult time. I think I would not be telling the son that dad spends hours talking with the caregiver. I know it must be very hard at this time. I am sorry and I wish you peaceful days ahead. Each of these dear people in your life must choose their own path forward.
I can only guess that the reason your husband doesn't want to talk on the phone is the fact that he knows he's dying and perhaps doesn't know exactly what he should or shouldn't be saying, and just may not be comfortable discussing death.
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this nonsense, when your husband is dying. I pray it all works out. God bless you.
Now is the time to put all small differences aside and step up to the plate, in my opinion.
I'm sorry you're all going through such a difficult time. Sending prayers your way for the best possible outcome with your son & his dad.