Elder Abuse - Accountability? Will the autopsy reveal malnutrition? Will someone be held accountable?
With great sadness I ponder if our children can be charged with elder abuse. My friend died this week. Approx. 5 years ago her husband was diagnosed with Parkinson's. So together they added a large suite to their home for her son, daughter-in-law and their 2 girls. Her husband passed fairly quickly and they didn't help at all. A neighbor had to be called to render assistance.
Then she started off with not being able to smell, slight depression, then unable to eat with sores all in her mouth. She got conned by someone on a senior dating site. Sadly, she took thousands out of her two checking accounts as the "Friend" told her he would pay her back before the next banking day. Fraud -no funds in bank.
It finally caught up with her and he disappeared. Thankfully, one bank charged it off as scam fraud and the other agreed to monthly payments. As all of this was going on her son and family disowned her and said she was a thief and a liar.
My friend's personality changed due to dementia/depression. Never would she have ever done anything like this. A few of her closest friends supported and helped her.
Now, her granddaughter was pregnant and they moved my friend to the addition portion of the house while she had gone out of state to visit family. There was a connecting door to the original home. Now, she lived in an adequate living room/kitchen, bath and bedroom. Not bad, but all of her personal things remained in the home she shared with her husband.
They had nothing to do with her. She had cosigned for her granddaughter's car and she hadn't paid personal property taxes and the county was going after her car. We paid $$$ the bill for her. Inadvertently her son had her sign the house over to him - although she continued to make payments.
They never provided food as she continued to get very sick. Never checked on her. Her family was loud, abusive and cussed at her through the wall. A great-grandbaby came along and she wasn't allowed to see anyone. They disabled her cable on TV, her internet, put in security camera. Her son told her to keep her 'church' friends away and to find herself a man to take care of her. They wanted the whole house.
I wasn't physically able to help and her other friends and neighbors all stopped going over to assist because they were afraid of the family. The neighbor and his wife who helped with her husband, were told by her son to leave her alone - they are taking care of her. Our friend, her neighbor and wife took her food and actually spoon fed her. Then about three months ago everyone was forbidden to see her, take her food etc.
All of us who knew and loved her couldn't get anyone to answer the phone, we sent cards, no one answered the door. My friend was verbally and physically abused. Leaving someone who is this sick and had dementia to fix their frozen dinners and meals they use to cook - is wrong. She couldn't remember.
She couldn't find her voice. She allowed her son to ruin her life and come between her and her husband. No matter how wrong he treated her, she said this was her son and she couldn't do anything. Living in fear for the last four years and to weak to walk at times - this is not right.
They wouldn't allow her neighbor (a close friend of ours) to go in when they discovered she died. He believes that she had been dead for some time and they never checked on her.
We did several "wellness checks" on her through the sheriff's office but because she was in fear she asked us to stop. Elder abuse exists but sometimes it is difficult for those of us watching to know what else we can do. Now, they have the entire house. I'm talking about a very nice big house in a very nice neighborhood. On the outside all appears great - but we never know what goes on behind closed doors.
Stop Elder Abuse - Hopefully when "well checks" take place - more law officials will be wiser and social workers called in. People often misunderstand depression and dementia as if the person could will it away
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No offense here but you sound like a busy body passing judgements without being involved. Sorry, I have alot of those in my life and you pretty much quote them word for word.
So, how is it she had no food but then you say she had frozen meals? Who said she was malnourished? Its funny, I heard the same thing today from the person in my home's daughter, best friend and her SIL. I guess she hasn't ate since Wed...Thurs she had take out Chinese (I did not cook, not feeling well from vaccine), Friday she had filet mignon, potatoes and brussel sprouts, yesterday she had taco salad and today she is having marinara, meatballs and salad. That was only dinner, not the breakfast I made her. Yet, she told these people she doesnt get food, she even told me today she would love dinner since she hasnt ate in days.
I have also been on the receiving end of the wellness checks, what a joke. As I tell the police, be my guest, take her to a facility or to the people that love her.
There is a point where your just done. You dont know what really happens so I do not think it is right coming up with accusations as you said, you could not be there physically.
Her son was selfish, self-centered, manipulative and she was in terror of him but she so wanted love from them. There were 5 adults and no one would even answer her phone calls long before her husband got sick. I would be suspicious if we hadn't seen this first hand along with her neighbor and his wife.
Her neighbor was a retired social worker who gave her options because "she was living in a toxic situation." My friend couldn't do anything against her son. He got her name on the car loans, he got the house signed over to him and he told her it was just if they got the loan approved.
I remember her in the times before this happened and she was a dear friend. Thank you for your replies. I guess that is why my husband and I chose an independent friend to act as our POA and MPOA. No family squabbles between step siblings.
I am glad I continued to call and left her messages, sent cards etc. as well as many of her friends. Life is short and I hope each of us live it fully. Be safe.
If so, and they chose to do nothing, or if, as you said of the wellness checks your friend said she was fine, they saw nothing of concern, and your friend requested no further checks, then no, there is unlikely to be any intervention.
Certainly now is the time for all "well meaning friends" to step away. This woman has died now. What you describe sounds like very difficult family dynamics that may have been present throughout the lives of all the family, and likely continue on now without your friend.
As to autopsy, firstly they are very seldom done on elders with dementia. Secondly, unless she was poisoned or bludgeoned to death, an autopsy is unlikely to show anything. Malnutrition is almost a "given" in the elderly, especially where dementia is concerned. And as "friends" you will of course have ZERO access to any afterlife situations.
I am glad your friend had you in her life before her death. It is now time to move on. Yours is a tragic story, but there is nothing to be done at this point.
It isn't an easy situation to untangle, especially when the older person has trusted her welfare to her family members and actively made arrangements to facilitate their being her main caregivers: this makes it extremely difficult for social workers to intervene effectively, and once the person is isolated they can't even get evidence together. But, very sadly, I have no difficulty believing your description of events. I'm so sorry.
I would say if it looks suspicious to the coroner he will file a complaint. I mean, she lived in the same house basically. If its found she was neglected, I guess charges could be brought against her son for contributing to her death.
The police should have called in Adult Protection services. They would have investigated more.
It is entirely possible that your friend never assigned a PoA, and then continued to refuse to do so. This would mean that her family COULD NOT legally help her unless she gave them permission to do so. You said in your own post that you saw she had symptoms of dementia. Are you aware that people with cognitive issues can image things that in fact did not happen to them? The fact that she was defrauded means she was already having dementia (this is a common crime perpetrated against the elderly with diminishing cognitive and reasoning skills), which means she could no longer assign a PoA. Please understand that you were being given one side of the story if it was only coming from your friend and not another first-hand witness. People with dementia are often fearful of things that don't exist or didn't occur. It happens all the time...family caregivers being accused of stealing, of abuse, etc. when none of it was true. My own aunt that helped raise me has advanced dementia and regularly accuses me of the most egregious things, as well as other family members. This is part of dementia.
Do you think that her being defrauded made her family very wary of other people? Could that be why they asked others to back away from helping and just leave it to them? It is entirely possible the family mishandled her care. But if they didn't have any legal power to help her and she had no money to pay for care, their hands were tied and she may have been "lucky" she didn't then become a ward of the county. If she gave her money away this would explain why she may not have qualified for Medicaid, which would mean she couldn't afford go to a facility, if she would even agree to do that. May you receive peace in your heart and much wisdom as you look closely at your own preparations for your future years.