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On the 30th of June, my disabled daughter had to put her cat down due to him having a chronic health condition that was getting worse and she was heartbroken over it.
However my elderly mother who is in her mid 80’s keeps bringing it up and upsetting my daughter. It’s the things she’s saying I find disturbing. She was in the car with us and knowing full well my daughter was in the car, kept going “well he was suffering wasn’t he?” “His bladder would have ruptured and he would have died in agony if you didn’t take him”
Yes he would have, that’s why we took him. But she’s keeps repeating the same things to my daughter which results in my daughter crying.
She brought it up on them phone again and to myself this time and I told her to stop it and said my daughter to remember her cat when he was well, not being reminded of him being unwell. She didn’t like it and got defensive and said she was showing she “cared” not sure how bringing the same thing up and upsetting another person caring.
She’s also the type to go running to my brother saying I had a go at her, but not tell him the whole story and my brother believes her all the time.
How do I handle this? As it’s not fair on my daughter.

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You spend less and less time with her and make it clear why. Some people just have to hear the sound of their own voice even if it is not helpful or useful.
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Reply to lkdrymom
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Have your mother evaluated by her doctor to determine dementia.
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Hrmgrandcna 21 hours ago
That's the first thing that crossed my mind. When someone keeps repeating and doesn't understand that it's upsetting, It oftentimes is the first sign of dementia.
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Don’t misunderstand the concept of boundaries. If you haven’t, I’d encourage you to read the Boundaries book by Cloud and Townsend. Boundaries aren’t for the other person, they are yours, chosen by you, and as such can’t be crossed unless you allow it. If your chosen boundary is no mention of euthanizing a pet, then stop mom the second she mentions it “mom, stop right there, this is not being talked about at all” Get off the phone or leave if in person if she attempts to continue. If she trash talks about you to others, that’s on her, not in your control, and ultimately tells far more about her than you. Personally, I’d limit my exposure to someone like her. I wish you courage and peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Check out the many videos by therapists on Youtube of dealing with toxic elderly parents and how to heal from abuse. The Surviving Narcissism videos with Dr. Les really helped me a lot.
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Reply to JustAnon
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It's time for you to set boundaries. Your daughter is your responsibility. Your mom can now be your brother's responsibility. Do not allow your mom access to your daughter at all. Was your mom always like this, or is it new?
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Reply to JustAnon
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Does she live with you or visa versa? If not, then you hold the cards. If she doesn't stop, you will not drive her any where. Like said, hang up. Brother, he can take over her care. Bet he is her favorite. Mom needs you more than you need her. Your Mom is cruel. Since her cruelty is effecting your daughter, I would go no contact as much as possible. Daughter trumps Mom.
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FireCracker1989 Jul 3, 2026
She lives alone, but only lives 10 minutes away and yes brother is the favourite, he does no wrong apparently :/
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I found the traits I disliked most in my mother became worse when she was older. Maybe it is the same is true in your case.

Just hang up the phone or leave the room when she starts. And who cares if she complains to your brother.

Sorry about your daughter’s cat.
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Reply to Hothouseflower
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Has she always been this way, or is this an increasing behavior? If it's getting worse, consdier that she has dementia. You must suspect it or you wouldn't be on this forum. In this case, her brain is broken -- including her filter -- so she maybe literally can't stop herself from saying things like this.

I'm not trying to excuse behavior of someone who has a personality disorder, but if she is behaving differently, then please consider she is having cognitive decline and cannot control what comes out of her mouth anymore. Understanding this will help you figure out how to best respond to it. Even if it is dementia-driven, I would ignore inappropriate talk from her. Change the subject, distract her, or walk away without explanation. That's what I do with my 97-yr old Mom.
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FireCracker1989 Jul 3, 2026
She’s always been this way, even when I was a kid. She always has to be right and if someone’s opinion doesn’t match her’s, she hates it. It’s got worse has she’s got older, even when my father was here, she was like it then.

My father died 3 years ago and treated him horribly when he was alive, he didn’t have his own mind when she was around.

My daughter did mention dementia a few times to me, issue is, I know for a fact she won’t go to the dr’s about it.
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Boundaries are not things you expect other people to respect they are things you must enforce, the fact that she is inappropriate is why you created them in the first place. As soon as the problem arises you need to shut it down - "I've asked you not to talk about this and if you don't stop immediately I'm hanging up". Then do it.
And who cares what she tells your brother, he has no power over you and yours.
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BurntCaregiver Jul 3, 2026
Perfect answer, cwillie.
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