Our mother is in her late 80s and in solid health mentally and physically, financially stable and still drives regularly (short distances). A number of years ago she allowed one of our brothers – who is gainfully employed full-time -- to move in on a temp basis so he could sort out issues. She did not ask him to contribute to the house financially or otherwise, and they didn’t discuss or set a timeframe to move out. The arrangement went on and on and it became obvious several years ago that he had no plans to leave, and while our mother regularly maintains she wants him to get a place, she will not press him on moving out because he gets defensive, but we also think she is worried about where he will end up. There is likely a small part of her that appreciates the company, and at this point it is probably better that she is not alone at night. We are unclear how much she asks him to assist, we cannot get a straight answer out of her, we know he makes no monetary contributions, and it is typical to go there and notice quick projects haven’t been done or a larger job is needed and she is procrastinating or ignoring. We are of the impression she doesn’t ask him to do much in terms of chores or projects and he doesn’t take much initiative. This whole situation was never acceptable to the other siblings, sometimes his occupancy has meant family members couldn't stay over and visit, but as she ages and this arrangement continues, we are resigned to him living there and expect him to proactively take charge of small issues and notify siblings of more significant matters. We are not looking for him to be her caregiver or to quit his job, but we want to know he is keeping an eye on her, taking her to appointments or running errands (sched permitting) and handling simple home maintenance, so that she doesn’t always do these things herself (or not at all), alone, or rely on friends or other children, the latter of whom assist her very regularly in person and/or remotely. We want all siblings to be involved in our mother’s care and home maintenance and feel we have a very valid reason to ask our brother to step up and pull his weight given the accommodations he is being provided. To be clear, his local, FT job is essentially his only obligation, so added responsibilities at our mother’s house shouldn’t be an undue burden given he is at the house when not working and it makes no sense for others to handle some of these matters when he is there and available. We feel to some degree he is a bit oblivious to her needs and home maintenance, but on the other hand, our mother enables the behavior and rarely asks him to do anything. If communicated in the right manner, he would likely assist more than he does now, we just need to find the right balance between making him feel needed and letting him know he has no choice. How do we delicately broach the topic with both or either of them on these issues without her getting offended that she isn’t capable, or telling us not to upset him and him getting defensive relative to expectations?
Im 66 year old man. Spent my life fixing stuff, taking care of parents house, my house, friends houses, everybody’s cars, you name it. I’m not a hero just a typical blue collar guy who works his hands. All the men I know are pretty much like me so this really seems odd to me that dear brother seems to feel he lives in a motel.
I truly sympathize with your situation, just trying to understand.
I get that. But each will choose for themselves what they can/will do.
"How do we delicately broach the topic with both or either of them".
Honesty is your best policy. Be polite but direct. Tip toeing around can be exhausting.
My family has 'hinters'. They drop hints & wait.. but don't clearly ask so it's hard to work out if it's an actual request or not. I suppose they are trying to be polite but it just causes confusion instead.
My Aunt on the other hand, says it like it is. Her kids are asked directly if they can or can't & they answer yes or no. We all need more of that!
Also, your mother is in charge of her own life. You have said your Mom is likely glad to have the company there. I would think his being there is a comfort to her at her age.
Please don't start a sibling war. Why not just get all siblings together ALONG WITH MOM and ask her, "What can we all do for you to make you feel more secure and safe, Mom?" We know you may need help with shopping, appointments, now and in future and we all want to be here for your support. And then go on about how "_________living with you now must be a comfort in terms of home safety. But what can we all do to divvy up some chores".
Help your brother and your Mom instead of causing problems about his free rent.
Again, your Mom's life; and while she CAN make choices, she should.
I am 78. Lo the child that comes to me and tells me who can live in my home, and under what circumstances. Or the child who tries to interfere in my decision making while I am capable of making decisions. We lose enough, and if we live long enough we lose EVERYTHING, including the memories that make us who we are.
Band together now in LOVE and cooperation, would be my advice to you all.
And by the way, "letting him know he has no choice?" Ummmmmm. He does. He has a choice, if you approach him as an adversary, to blow you off completely. It is not your home. It is not your decision. You don't make the rules. Sorry if I sound harsh, but as a nurse I often saw children make it so awful for their parents over these issues that the poor parent was left to weep to ME, a nurse who could do nothing to save them as siblings warred, sometimes literally over their very beds. It is dreadful for a fragile elder to witness this at the end of their lives. And it had a dreadful and lasting effect on how I feel when siblings clash. I am trying to prevent that for all of you. It will do awful harm to someone you love and are trying to protect.
Now, clearly I could be missing something. There was a sentence there about possible "fear" in your mother regarding asking your bro when he plans to move out. I don't know your brother; but I suggest you other siblings get to know him well; be there with groceries and casseroles and support so you can fully assess if there is any fear there.
Sure do wish you good luck.
I wouldn't bring up the monetary elephant in the room during the first meeting. That way he won't close up automatically. Maybe start with a "We don't want you to feel burdened as the only caregiver here. We want to know what you see, how we can help. " Let him lay out the tasks that he does and then you can be like "who takes mom to do this? Can we help with that?" Hopefully, he will see this as an eye-opening meeting and decide to step up or step out. It also will help you all maintain your boundaries with who's in charge of taking mom to the store, who's in charge of taking mom to doctor's appointments, who's in charge of maintaining the lawn, etc.
We had a family 'conference' about 5 years about getting mother some 'in home' help--she had agreed to it (she lives with YB who still has 4 adult kids living at home--not a real healthy dynamic, to be honest)...
All us sibs met and tried to have a conversation with YB about mom's health (he is VERY protective--to an unhealthy degree) and what could we do to help. Her place is not clean or hygienic, she will not allow anyone to clean and she doesn't see well enough to get that she needs to let us or someone get in there and clean deeply and minimally get rid of the bird mess and the dog pee and--years of thick dust...on everything.
I did not see the BLOWUP coming that YB had. I mean, he went ballistic on me. Screamed and ended up crying--so our concerns that he was overwhelmed were supported...BUT, in the end, he agreed to ZERO outside help, even though mother wanted it.
Yes, he's mentally ill, but we realized we cannot help him. He put the kibosh on everything and so we (the other 4 sibs) backed down and let him know we'd do anything and to please stop trying to be a martyr about mother's care. None of the rest of us would have taken her in, he has done a good job but is burnt out.
He is SO ANGRY if one of us tries to 'help' mother. I do not know what sick dynamic pushes him to be so weird about her.
The other sibs and I quietly agreed to sit back and let him run the show, It was not worth the drama to 'help'.
YB doesn't know he stands to 'inherit' exactly the same amount as the other 4 of us--less than $10K a piece, which frankly, pretty much nothing.
"walking on eggshells" perfectly describes how we feel about him. He's definitely NOT doing for mom what she needs, but she complains and we remind her she has to work things through HIM, we are powerless.
move in without a time limit or setting expectations of any kind. She wants him there or she would ask him to leave or ask for help on this issue. My brother lived with my mother until his late 50’s .. make no mistake, it’s a trap. When my brother finally moved, he went to live with his daughter. My mother then invited me to move in, I told her thanks but no thanks. It’s very easy to live free with little or no living expenses in exchange for providing company to a lonely senior. As a sibling of this situation, it is annoying as it appears your mother is being taken advantage of, yet she set up this living arrangement. Your brother has become complacent, enjoying having all his income without any cost of living. I wasted too much time & effort trying to get my brother to move out of my mother’s house for his sake & hers. My mother defended him saying he was taking care of her when in reality, she was taking care of him. Again, co-dependent relationship.
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