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Same boat. Taking care of mom in my home for 7 years... I’m so tired. And I want to travel and see my own kids who live out of state. My mom can’t tell you what year it is, who is president nor does she know her own address. I take care of all her needs. Cooking cleaning laundry errands meds etc... I drove her to look at facilities today. She refused to get out of the car, saying I cannot just dump her off and she wants to stay with me. I’m ridden with guilt and hate to give up... but I’m tired. I want to live before my golden years are gone. I have my brother and his wife living with me, but they haven’t seemed to want to spend any time with her. I’m sure she is lonely just sitting there all day long... I wish I had answers for you... but I too am searching for strength to do what needs to be done.
I heard that if they can’t answer those 3 questions that they can be committed. Not sure if it applies in all states.
1. What is the year?
2. Who is president?
3 where do you live
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Wow this topic is hitting me so hard at the moment. However my mom came from a skilled nursing home back home with me. I selfishly wanted to help her out and to be with her more, and ease the financial burden on her and my end. It was a big mistake on my part I can see that she needs way more than I can do alone even with in home agency care. Her sleep patterns are so not normal! Funny what love and wanting to help blindly without doctor bothering to even call and talk to me about the complexity of her needs. Of course, mom is saying she can do stuff. Well she cant and I can see she is getting worse she refusing to get out of her wheelchair to use her walker. But anyway, life is so very hard and I cant wait to see the nurse tomorrow so I can give her some idea what its like. even though mom will be mad at me for even talking to her! Love mom, but not her dementia! It made her use me to get her way! Been her caregiver for years before this long death sentence was diagnosed, I was wrong to bring her out or falling for her wanting to come home. Sorry for ranting or something close to it.
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Its a hard thing, and I will keep you all in my prayers.
My Mom lives with me and has for 4 years. I am exhausted most of the time, and do my best with God's help.
We take her everywhere we go. We took her on a 10 day road trip to Statue of Liberty and back. Difficult, but she had a great time. We are planning another trip this year Lord willing, and we will take her with us.
It is a difficult season of life, when you are the one providing care for parents. But we will be there one day as well. This is not a judgement on anyones choices, but I will never put my Mom in a nursing home. I have worked in several in my life and visit people often who are in them, I just will do whatever I can to prevent that. There are always answers, if we look hard enough.
Its tough I know and not everyone is the same, do your best, pray for wisdom in the matter.
Best wishes to you all, and may God help you in your season.
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My husband and I were taking care of my Grandma (now 92 y.o) for more then 10 years on and off to help my mother and step father to give them a break. Now, grandma has been leaving with us for 7 months and she has a dementia. She requires 24 hrs care. We both work full time and simply cannot do this any longer. It started to affect our relationship to the point that my husband shows signs of severe anger. The problem is my BPD mother won't take her back gives us ultimatums that she will tell us when she is ready. My marriage is falling apart!

Please help!
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Oh darling girl! - Violinist, if you can't cope with your grandma (too right, I bet you can't!) then what makes you think your mother can, or will ever volunteer to?

Contact your local social services and get advice. Your grandmother needs more help than can be provided in most families, it's time to start looking for a facility and researching the best way to fund it.

Does your mother have power of attorney for your grandmother, or anything like that?
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My mother has the power of attorney (not written though) and is against nursing homes as this is not in our culture. I really have no choice!

Thank you
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Everyone has a CHOICE!!
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Yes, everyone does have a choice. But sometimes all of the available choices are unpleasant.

Violinist, to paraphrase the great Samuel Goldwyn, a Power of Attorney that is not written is not worth the paper it is not written on.

When you say "this is not in our culture"... I value and respect the importance of a person's own culture to him or her. However. I do not know of any cultures whose traditions set out to be inflexible, or set out to prevent people from leading their lives. And I certainly don't know of any cultures which insist on a child's obligations to his or her parents and grandparents but at the same time disregard a wife's obligations to her husband.

Could you say a little more about what your situation is and what your ideal solution might be?
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Yes, of course, it is not just a "culture" (in our case, this is Russian). My mother has BPD (borderline personality disorder) and manipulates the whole family and our lives as she wants. She does not know, of course, that she has it, but, in order, for me to cope, I had to see a psychologist and a psychiatrist, who confirmed that. So far, no one in our family was able to establish boundaries with her.

But... thank you so much for taking the time to communicate your thoughts as it helps me to validate my own thoughts and feelings.

violinist
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So are you living in the States, Violinist?

The thing is, the way it looks to an outsider, you kind of can't have it both ways. You have gathered together a good deal of reasonably current information on BPD, you have a psychologist and a psychiatrist, a clear assessment of the kind of dynamics you're dealing with. It's not like you're stuck minding the cattle out on the steppe, is it.

But, so, in that case, you are equally free to consult the social and cultural norms of the time and place where you are living *now*. Ask around! Find out what help might be appropriate and available for your grandmother. Enlist allies! I don't care how thumpingly clear your mother's BPD is, it still doesn't put her in charge of your life - unless you let it.
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Thank you for your response.

We live in Canada and I'm aware of all help is available already, of course, and arranged help to come to our home where I live with my husband and I'm ready to transfer it to my mother's place. However, she keeps telling me that she is not ready yet and does not give the date when she will be ready. Today, I did not have a PSW for my Grandma and could not live her at home, I brought her to my mom's until 4 p.m when I'm done with work (was a surprise for her!) and she yelled at me said all nasty things she could about me and my husband but except grandma for the day. I will keep working on it, thank you for your input.

violinist
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