When our elderly parents can't care for themselves, should they be forced to move into an aged care center?

Now is much better than never. Press on! Keep letting us know how you are doing.

I've just sent an email to my GP telling her about the abuse and asking if she can pull strings to get my specialist to operate before it is too late - I feel I've been put on the backburner because I put up with it three years and let it get this bad. I explained my predicament... But I hope my gp can put a word in for me

how can you get them to go to a home if they refuse to and you dont have power of attorney they wont sign them self in and we cant force him to go .

I too have given up my job,to take care of my parents needs. Mother has dementia,and has always been self-centered and abusive. father is always grateful,but doesn't have the balls to stand up o mother. too late,they are 84 and 85. I am the surviving child,of 59 yars old. I definitely feel for you guys.

how can you get them to go to a home if they refuse to and you dont have power of attorney they wont sign them self in and we cant force him to go .and they have Alzheimer's or dementia

Hi, me again. Because of being forced to care for my selfish mother all those years, I neglected my own medical needs. The symptoms of my lumbar spine tumor started three years ago - but I wasn't free to go to the doctor as mum wanted help from no one but me and she demanded me to abstain from anything that would cause her to have to have home help or go into a nursing home. I could have had my operation three years ago - but I would have been sent home from hospital not to rest - but to be mum's carer - doing things you just don't do for six to twelve weeks after any operation - i would have torn things inside me - and been worse off. but now, mum is settled in a nursing home. I have my freedom - but my tumor has become inoperable. I have foot drop paralysis - i am always tripping on my own toes and nearly crashing head first into walls and things. I am dependent on a walker to walk. I take up to twenty tablets a day to manage the pain. This is my lot for the rest of my life - all because of my selfish mother. I can't understand why elderly people are legally allowed to force their adult daughters to be their sole carer. I mean, mum was always saying to me she was actually glad I had my pre-existing medical issues - bad enough to be on the Disability Support Pension - just so she had me to herself to be her sole carer. how selfish.

What can i do to put my parents in a home ..my husband and i have been living with them for almost a year and they told us to hit the road ,we have remodeled their..home because it was going to be left to my son and I ..i am gonna move but they can't live by themselves.. what do i do ???

Ritakay,

Unless your parents are not competent mentally to make their ow decisions, there is not anything you can do legally. Tell them that since they have told you to hit the road, that the result of that decision will be them paying for their own care which they must organize themselves for you are busy packing.

It was very nice of you to remodel there house. I don't know how old your son or they are, but there is always the possibility that the house will need to be sold at some point to help pay for their care somewhere other than in the house.

Sorry, your parents have given you and your husband the boot. I hope it all works out.

Contact the local Dept of Aging or whatever the local appropriate agency is--perhaps their doctor's office can give you the contact info, or a local hospice. Tell them that you are being required to move out of the area and your parents are not able to take care of themselves.
And then move.

My mother is in the early stages of Alzheimers. My step father is showing signs of dementia. My husband and I recently decided to offer for them to live with us. They immediately took us up on the offer. We will have to handle most of the details involved in relocating them to our home. The future scares me. Will we have to give up our lives? Am I being selfish? At what point do we decide long term care is the best option? I'm new at this caregiver role.

It makes a huge difference what the family dynamics are like, and what are the cultural expectations. As I've said, my inlaws were Lebanese immigrants, and they are from a society in which people take care of their families, whatever. Also, there are usually extended family members as well to work together. Several of my widowed sisters-in-law and a widowed cousin, all 70's or 80's live in small houses next to one or more of their kids' families. Fortunately, none of us have had to deal with abusive or irrational elders, and what incapacities various of have had to deal with were no more than a year or less. I did have a great home care lady for my MIL. I've seen a lot of care facilites over the last few years, between friends and being part of a group that goes out and sings for care residents, and there are very few that I would want to live in. My frends are a wide range of ages, and I prefer to be around younger people, who seem to be fine with my company. My mom used to say that she wanted to live in an apt house that had old ladies, but didn't live to that point. People's temperaments vary, their attitudes vary, their relationship with friends and families, vary, so there is no one answer fits all.

babysister,

You and your husband have made your mother and step-father a very generous offer. Are you your mother's only child?

I'm glad to hear that the offer is from ya'll to them because that keeps you out of going into a dependency mode which emotionally would make it tempting to them to fall into a parent/child pattern of relating instead of adult/adult(child) pattern.

However, this will place them in a position of some dependency on ya'll because they will live with you. Sometimes in reaction to this, a parent might find themselves trying to play parent once again in ways that are no longer appropriate for the person's age and status in life. I could see you mom having some input on the house to help make it feel more like home, but I could not see redoing the house totally to her likes and tastes a lone. It's still your house!

Have they given you durable and medical POA for each? I would encourage that to be done soon. If they are still of sound mind, that could likely wait until they are where you live.

How active and what sort of activities are your parents into where they live? How much of that can they do where you live?

Use the search site and look up the stages of Alzheimers and more dementia. This information will give you a generalized map of what is ahead.

Also, search for stories of those like yourselves who have invited elderly parents to live with them.

Do a search about when is it time for long term care? In other words, when should they move to assisted living or to a nursing home?

The following questions just must be asked because family dynamics are important and will have larger impact on everyone than we often expect. These are good for your own reflection by yourself and with your husband.

1. How long have you and your husband been married?

2. How strong and healthy are the boundaries in your marriage?

3. How is your relationship your mom currently? What was it like growing up?

4. How is your relationship your step-dad currently? What was it like since he came into your life?

5. How does your husband feel about your relationship with your mother and step-dad?

6. How does your husband feel about his relationship with your parents? What are your feelings about those relationships?

7. How are his relationship with his parents and what about yours with them? How do you feel as an individual about the family dynamics in his side of the family?

8. How old are his parents and what level of care may they possibly need in how much of a distant future? Have ya'll talked about that any?
There are going to be some major adjustments for you two and for them in making this move and making it work beyond just the actual move. Ya'll need to talk about this, be open about your hopes and your anxieties that each of you bring to this.

If there are no children in the house, the first thing you will loose is having the house completely to yourself which my wife and I enjoy in our empty nest and are so ready to get back once our oldest moves on to graduate school in the fall.

I don't know how big your house is, but it is going to feel smaller.

On the other hand, be mindful that your parents will be leaving all of their space in their house as well as their friends and other tings about that place that made if feel like home.

To some degree you can help them, but they will need to find ways to make where you live into their new home. Depending on how long they have lived there, they may be giving up more than they even can see immediately. That is going to be a huge change.

I"m not sure what exactly you mean by asking if you are being selfish? How do you feel that you are being selfish?

Only two things will keep you from loosing your life. 1. Honoring the needs of your parents over honoring your own need to care for yourself. 2. Honoring the needs of your parents over honoring your marriage.

The sad reality is that given the diagnosis of each, their bodies could way outlive their minds. I am seeing that take place with my dad who is 90. That was not true of my mother who had vascular dementia and died of a stroke not too long ago.

I'm glad that you found this site and asked your questions. The more you can know about your possible future, the likely pitfalls along the way, as well as more knowledge about Alzheimer's and Dementia from both articles and those who care for parents with these diseases with their parents in their homes, the more informed choices you can make so that no one gets thrown under the bus on the journey.

There health is only going to go in one direction. It is going to be a challenging journey that will require a lot of effort, but over time they will not be able to provide as much effort to the balance like at first. Some adjustments will need to be made, but they need to be using their retirement funds to pay for their stuff as much as possible. If and when they reach a point of needing extra help,they should pay for that and not make either of you feel obligated to quit your jobs. Even if one of you are not currently employed, that in itself does not instantly mean being 24/7 omni available help for you do have your own life as an adult and as a married person whch means tending to those things too.

Don't feel any need or pressure to answer these questions here. I hope you will ponder them yourself and give them to your husband to ponder.

The bringing together of two adult coupes who are related to each other and yet have their own unique identity under one roof. is very challenging and I would be afraid too.

I wish you the very best! Let us know how you are doing?

cmagnum, thank you for your response. It gives me a lot to think about. I have 1 sibling, an older brother, who doesn't want to be involved in the day to day care, only wants to visit every 5 years. We do have the POAs set up, along with living wills and a DNR for my mom. I have a pretty good idea of what's ahead as far as disease progression. I've worked in long term care for years. Just worried how prepared I am for the patients to be THEM! My step dad has a small job he does 3 days a week, but he shared how he has been making some mistakes recently. Mom just stays at home unless she is out with him. He still drives (scary). The relationship between me and my husband, and my mom and step dad is great. My husband and I have only been married 5 years. I think I'm selfish in wondering how this is going to affect my marriage, our plans to travel, or just take a day trip to fish. Also, I'm disabled due to PTSD, severe depression and anxiety disorders. I HAVE to make time to care for my self. I ask myself if I will have the time. My parents have no one else to care for them. They say they aren't ready to go into some type of home or institution. So what other choice do they really have? It seems living with us is the ONLY choice at this point.

Is there an assisted living facility that they could stay at occasionally for a "vacation" for a few days while you take a few days away yourself?

I'll have to check We will be moving ourselves in February. It will probably be November when they move in with us. So I'll have to check the new location too.

I really don't think they would agree to that though. Maybe someone to come in the home, but finding someone reputable would be hard

The POAs need to be for your step-dad too before they move in as far as I can see. Or does he have his own children who have his POA?

Your brother does sound very connected to your mother at all or your step-dad. That's sad, but it is also water under the bridge that likely will not change. No need to spend emotional energy there for it will only build resentment.

It is one thing to work in long term care, but it is another thing entirely to provide 24/7 long term care even on a limited level. You will not have the privilege of really coming home at the end of the day for they will be right there.

Married for 5 years? That's just starting to get your marriage identity in place, plus you are disabled. Unless, they can fend for themselves, I don't think you're selfish in wondering how this is going to affect your marriage, your plans to travel, or just take a day trip to fish. I am very glad that I asked you all of those questions and now that I know more about your situation, I have more questions.

If you don't mind me asking, how old is everyone? How well set up are your parents to pay for their retirement years say in independent living which might actually be better now that I know more about what is on your plate coming into this.

What about yourselves, you and your husband? How are things going in your own preparation for those retirement years?

On second thought, I think they need to be asking themselves if you are offering them too much. I think this needs to be re-visited again? At this point, a nursing home is not their only option. With your having the health issues that you described above, it sounds like you already have your hands full with your own self-care needs and that is not selfish. If this sends you down deep into depression and makes you all uptight with anxiety even without the PTSD, that effectively takes you out of the picture to be able to care and places your care plus your parent's care on your husband in those times when you're not up to par.

Keep thinking and keep sharing as you continue to work through these things.

To find someone someone reputable would require working through an agency. It also would require a willingness on your part for complete strangers to come in and out of your house to help your parents while you and your husband are gone. Are you two comfortable with that?

Will they have access to the whole house with ya'll or will they have like a separate part of the house that would be more like an apartment with limited access to your part of the house? These are privacy and security issues to be considered.

Remember this is only your offer. It's not like a business contract or done deal.

Don't assume anything at this point. Bring this issue up with them. Ask them how they feel about possibly going to an assisted living or something like that when you two need a break or plan on going on a trip. Ask them how they feel about hiring someone to come help them while you are gone. Ask they feel about their paying for their own extra care while living in your home. Ask your husband about how he feels about people coming into ya'll house to help your parents while ya'll are gone somewhere. And don't leave yourself out either. How do you feel about strangers even from a company coming into your house or into a portion of your house where your parents are to help them which may still give them access to the rest of your house dependent on how things are set up?

There's more for all of ya'll to think about. Don't leave anything up to assumptions for that will makes an __________ out of everyone and create much unnecessary pain. Ask directly. Talk openly.

I'm sorry, I missed something. They will move in with you in November before all 4 of you move together in February. That's a lot! People with the health problems that your mom and step-dad have don't do very well with multiple changes of location that close together.

I looked back at your profile which I wish I had done to begin with. I says your "mother, living at my home and the primary ailment is alzheimer's / dementia." So, is she already living with you? I'm confused.

If they are not living with you, how far are they gong to have to move to come to you in November and do you know where you are going in February and already have bought a place? Who is going to take care of preparing and selling their house and yours after all 4 of you move to another house in a new location?

This is becoming like a paragraph of compound-complex sentences.

Keep sharing! I'm going to call it a night.

POAs are in place for My step dad too. His children are detached and dysfunctional. I'm 46, husband is 41, Mom 79, step dad is 84. Saying I'm worried about my mental health would be an understatement. My husband is in the Army so change is inevitable. I know changing the environment isn't ideal, but once we get to New Mexico, we will be there a few years. If they move here, then we go to New Mexico together, it will be easier as how much assistance we can offer plus cheaper for them. We don't have any plans for retirement yet.

P.S. They currently live in Florida, we live in Georgia

Thanks for more details!

Here's something more to wonder about.

Is there like an average amount of time that you stay in one place? Given their ages and medical condition, I can't see them moving very often. People with dementia and Alzheimer's can live a long time if their physical health is ok. For example, my dad is 90.

While you step dad might not live many more years, your mom could live another 10 years. Do either come from families of long livers?

I'm glad someone has your step-dad's POA, but their being detached and dysfunctional does not sound good at all. Does he understand how that all sounds for him? Maybe he needs more reliable folks to be his POAs. It's not unusual for a married couple to make each other, each other's POA with a child as the back up POA.

At ya'll ages, retirement planning needs to have begun years ago. I'm 58 and have been contributing to my future retirement since 1983. Please, start some sort of retirement plan now!

I'm worried about your mental health as well. What does your husband think? Has he considered that if your health crumbles that it will all fall on him? Will he have the needed authority to deal with things if your health has you out of the picture.

Sorry, but we have to look at this from every possible angel so that no one gets thrown under the bus by oversight.

Well, here is another intrusive but needed question. How much of their retirement resources does your mother and your step-father have at this time? Are they close to spending it all? Do they have long term care insurance? If not, it's too late to get it.

Right now, I am of the mind that you and your husband likely, need to have a meeting with the doctor in charge of your mental health meds and if you have a therapist, have a meeting with them too, and discuss the facts of this upcoming change and get their objective opinion from the perspective of people who know your mental health history and needs.

Next, I think their needs to be a meeting with your mom's primary care doctor where I would share about the upcoming plans and your mental health concerns plus the likelihood of another move in a few years to get their feedback as someone who knows your mom's health situation. Would be a good idea to this with step-dad as well.

These last two things may be the best pieces of advice that I have given you. Get the input of professionals related to your mental health and your parents elderly health.

Good luck and keep in touch.

We stay about 3-5 years in each place. Moving periodically is a downside, but can't be helped. Not to be negative Nancy, but as fast as Mom is declining, I really don't think it will be long before long term placement is needed. Neither one of them come from families that live very long. My step dad made me his POA since his family members would not have his best interest in mind. Mom and my step dad, Bud, are each other's POA with me as a back up. We are saving for retirement. My husband is also going to college for a computer science degree and plans on working after retirement from the Army. I am a RN BSN but am unable to work right now. Mom and Bud have savings that will last a while. With them living with us, there is a good possibility my husband can list them as dependents and have military health insurance that would cover almost everything.I see a counselor 1-2 times a week. I'm also on meds.

Good move by your step-dad.

I would go to the IRS site and look up the laws for claiming your parents as dependents. There are certain criteria that must be met.

I'm not sure being listed as dependents for taxes mean they can be considered dependents on your husband's health insurance. I would think that unless they have additional insurance that Medicare is now their primary insurance. This needs to be looked into to be sure.

Sorry, but as someone with bipolar disorder whose been on disability since 2003 and now only see my therapist every other week, your going 1-2 times a week with your list of mental health concerns plus not being able to work makes me question if you are healthy enough to do much at all for your parents being there 24/7. Your choice, but something to consider. If you haven't already, please discuss these plans with your therapist.

With your mother declining so quickly, you definitely need to talk with her primary care doctor about these plans.

Do you see any possibility that there will be a need for either your mom or step-dad to apply for medicaid in the future.

I don't think you are being a negative Nancy, I think you are being a realistic Ruth.

Keep digging for answers and keep in touch.

I have discussed the upcoming changes with my therapist. My psychiatrist is also aware. I know it's going to be hard, but I don't see any other option that for them to live with us. I'm concerned about my mental health as well. They are not presently eligible for medicaid, already checked. I'm in the process of arranging for long term health insurance for both of them too.

Good to hear back from you. I'm afraid that long term care insurance needed to be bought and premiums paid over the years. Given their age and health, it may be too late. If you find something let me know. There are several who would like to be able to get such at the last minute.

I wish you the very best with this mess.

Let us know who it all works out.

Thank you!! Hopefully AARP will help.