Follow
Share

She seems to snap at anything I say, even when I am helping her!! . e.g. today she insisted I take her to the bank. I did and she said "not this one." I asked her which one she meant and she directed me to go to a bank that she has no account at!! I was advised to just "let" them do what they want to do. So I took her there and low and behold - she has no account there. She refused to let me come in the bank with her and when she came out it wasn't "oops, I don't have an account here afterall" but "they said they can't find an account without my SSN (she doesn't remember hers) or some mail from the bank." COMPLETE DENIAL ALWAYS. okay, I get that. Difficult to cope with. But hey, the denial is probably a part of the dementia/self coping strategy. Right?

But here's my question to those who are caring for someone with dementia: Does the "attitude" (never happy, always complaining, takes everything so serious and then tells me "not to say that again") come with the dementia as par for the course or is it just a magnification of her personality? Does everyone with dementia seem like they have an axe to grind (not saying they don't). Is unhappiness, misery, whining, moaning, complaining, being nasty to people the hallmark of dementia?

Guilty self confession here: I now seem to hate being with my mother. I didn't use to hate our times together, but now I do. When I go to pick her up (3-4 times a week for about 5 hours each time) I dread the thought of spending time with her. She is never happy. Always complaining about everything. I can't crack a joke because either she doesn't get it or gets angry about the joke I made. I feel like I can only be subdued and miserable around her. Am I the only one to feel this way? I really think I am.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing

49 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
1 2
What a difficult, stressful situation you are in.

Your description of your mother's behavior is not unusual for dementia patients. You are not alone. It is also not universal. There are pleasant mannered persons with dementia, too. Maybe it is somewhat related to personality before dementia, but I really don't think that is always the case. Dementia does change people.

My husband (now age 85, Lewy Body Dementia) went through a period of paranoia, was sure I was stealing from him, called the sherrif (or tried to -- not very steady with the phone buttons) more than once, was mistrustful and belligerent. None of that was a magnification of his personality. Now he has accepted that he has memory and confusion problems. He is grateful for my help. Almost every restaurant we go to serves "the best meal I've ever had." He still gets jokes, and makes them himself. So, dementia personality and behavior is all over the map. And sometimes the same person exhibits different behaviors over the course of the disease.

It sounds like you are doing a great job of interactng with her, even when she is being very difficult. During the bad times, my mantra became "This is not my husband saying these things. It is the disease." I suggest you come up with your own version. The mother you love and used to like spending time with is still in there. Look for and cherish the moments when she shines through. Try very hard not to take the rest of it personally.

You and I and all caregivers of dementia patients have suffered/are suffering a real loss. Our loved one is no longer fully present, no longer the person we knew and loved. That is a sad loss. And just as sometimes people in mourning after a death have anger, so do we. Cut yourself some slack. Dreading spending time with this person she has become does not make you a flawed daughter.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
Sorry to hear of your Mom's demetia. my Mom also suffers from this terrible sickness, but I am one of the lucky ones. She is so gratedful that I have taken her to live with me, she was so afraid on her own that she would get mean, and paranoid. But as soon as I bought her home with me, it was like a switch turn off, she tries really hard to "be good" which she always is, and I keep her on a tight schedule which really helps her since her short term memory is completely gone. Also have her going to the senior center 5 days a week to keep her socialized, have to remind her everyday where she is going and for how long etc. But you never know what might happen tomorrow, she could change again. I wish you good luck, and you are not alone, even though my mom is easier then yours I also sometimes really resent her, sometimes just want my life back, same old story 9 brothers and sisters all disapeared when Mom needed help. Oh well
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
Make sure you get enough breaks.... don't do more than you can do....
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
My mom was like that and is much better now that she is on Celexa (ssri). MUCH MUCH 100% better. I say this even though I have an abnormal distrust of big pharma. Would she consider asking or can you talk to her doctor? As to why, I think it is a combination of the worst of their personalities and the dementia.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
I also am assisting my mother who has Alzheimer's/Dementia. Her normal personality is to be combative, distrustful and negative. With the dementia at the stage she is at, she is worse. I can understand your situation and my heart goes out to you. If this is not your mother's normal personality, she may benefit from antidepressants if her Dr. thinks it would help. My father passed in 2003 from this disease also so we are going through our second time around. On Monday my sister took our mother to see Dr. for a current memory test. She pitched a fit and refused and accused my sister and me of trying to "put her away and take all her money". She started a small kitchen fire a week ago by putting vicks vapor rub in a pan on the stove and she walked away from it. You might also try day care with her to give her the social outlet and it may very well improve her disposition. You are doing a great work for your mother and remember all you caregivers, get a massage, a mani/pedi and pamper yourselves when you have some time.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
I understand what your going through. My mom has always been one not to trust and complain about everything. She always thought other people owed her something for nothing. She was a taker. All of that is way more intensive now. I am her full time caretaker and believe me most of the time I can't stand her. Being nearly totally blind only makes her attitude worse. My me time is early in the morning and when I have to run errands for groceries and such. When I'm running errands my son is with her. But life is mainly miserable here here.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I understand how you feel, my mother was just the same before she went to live in a Nursing Home last month. I used to dread going to her house, because I knew it was going to be another screaming fit if I didn't do what she wanted. She also got Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (which I believe is all part of dementia) and had me doing all sorts of jobs (not taking into consideration that I was doing two jobs also). Don't feel guilty about hating the time you spend with your mother as I did too with mine. Good luck and God bless.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
It is a very tough thing to try to care for someone who is "pickling sour", as my sister says. My mom is now in the later stages of Alzheimer's disease and has had both good and bad days over these past 10 years. I understand your guilt about not want to be with your parent. But, there's a lot to be gained by being there just because you love them and want to care for them despite how they respond to that care. I have learned so much by being my mom's care-giver; especially on the very bad days (which sometimes were a result of a Urinary Tract Infection, or other sickness she couldn't communicate properly.) But, I must say that when she does have a good day, I am so very grateful for the privilege of making that memory that I will surely treasure when she is no longer around. Get support and take good care of yourself, physically, mentally, and spiritually, so you have the strength and fortitude to keep loving her unconditionally.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
My 95 yr old mom also has dementia. She is legally blind and hard of hearing. She sometimes thinks she is living in a basement with rats!!!! She says she wants to go home. She is in the same home for 35 years. She has 24/7 care as she had a slight stroke and Hospice recommended we get her the care as she has fallen several times, She gives the caregiver a hard time and says she is a mean old lady. I told the aide not to argue with her or question why she does what she does. I am a nervous wreck because I don't know what we will do when her money runs out. I certainly am in no shape to pay for her aide and my husband would never allow me to have her move in with me. I take care of everything else for her like shopping, bills, medications and anything else she would need. My nerves are shot and I don't get any support from my husband. He lost his parents when his dad was 40 and his mom was 47 so he has no sympathy for me.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
My mother has behavior like this too but is also an alcoholic. I'm not sure she has dementia but she'll want my help one minute and turn on me the next without provocation whatsoever. She recently got a lawyer she says and won't talk to me at all. I'm the only living relative she has. It's crazy. I'm out of state and trying to help her but I don't have much legal recourse. So yeah, I do think, things are magnified as they get Dementia, add alcohol to that and you really have a crazy person.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I don't know what state you live in, however there should be social care available. I suggest you check with your county Aging Community Services. They are set up to help with low income people. You may also want to see an elder law attorney to protect her estate and yourself from having to pay anything back. Here in California, Medical will try to collect the money back from family members if you have placed them in a care facility after your loved one has passed. It may cost around $1,000.00 to set a trust with an elderly law attorney but I strongly suggest you see one. Also the first consultation with the attorney is free. Do you have grown children to help with care for short periods of time?? If so, enlist their help so you can get away once or twice a week for a few hours. Also siblings?? I realize that in many cases, siblings will not help, but if you have any relative...aunt, uncle, nephew, niece, or close family friends, even church members who will give you some time away don't be ashamed to ask for it. There is nothing wrong with having your mom placed in care facility when the time comes. You have everyone's support here and remember...you can't help your mom if you are over wrought with stress. Today I looked up on line for services regarding Aging Community and for Geriatric Management. Please seek out an attorney and hang strong, I know how hard it is, I am going through it for the second time with my parents!!.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
You can always contact Adult Protective Services to evaluate your mother. There are also Geriatric Management Services available for people who live too far away from their loved one. I feel for all of you I know how painful it is!! Contact your county Aging Community Services for advice. Please don't try to go it alone, there is help out there you just have to ask questions. Do you have POA, if so go to here Dr.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
It's frustrating I know but if you can afford it some time with a counselor might help. Our parent didn't take the Celexa, but I did. That helped, too, believe it or not. I was getting so depressed being with her.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
My mother has been very mean and verbally and physically abusive to me all my life my older brothers and sister cannot tolerate her, so after dad died i started looking after her and hoped she would start to love me some, but things only got worse and i have just 2 days ago wrote her a letter telling her i no longer wanted to be any part of her life anymore, my nerves cannot handle it any longer 3 years was enough for me. I often wonder how do you know if she has dementia if she has always been this way but has really gotten bad bad now. I cant help but feel sorry for her, but feel strongly that she has brought this on herself.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I read your letter and the responses. I can identify with you and the others. You are where I was five years ago when i first noticed something was wrong with my mother, but i did not know what. All i can say is cherist these moments and spend as much time with her as possible. Remember it is the disease and not her.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I know what you are going through. My mother is bedridden and has really mean periods. I too dread most of the time I spend with her. Once in a while we have a good day and it's a blessing. Quite frankly I feel that this is not my mother. My mother was nothing like this. I feel so bad for my stepfather because he is killing himself keeping her at home. But to him, this is what famliy does. I'm at a loss.
I help as much as I can and they have home health care but really she needs to be in a home. I think it will take something terrible happening to him to change things. I have told her I cannot take care of here alone. Dementia is a terrible thing and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
After informing moms doctor that she seemed anxious and agitated occasionally especially those times she roamed from the house on us on he prescribed CITALOPRAM 10 MG which is an anti-depressant. It seems to have worked great in that we have very few anxiety attacks anymore and zero incidents of roaming.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
After informing moms doctor that she seemed anxious and agitated occasionally especially those times she roamed from the house on us on he prescribed CITALOPRAM 10 MG which is an anti-depressant. It seems to have worked great in that we have very few anxiety attacks anymore and zero incidents of roaming.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Dementia patients tend to be either "happy" or "angry" and this is normal. I too care for an early onset dementia patient but, she has always been a hateful person. Now, I reason with myself by thinking she cannot help this and overlook the comments. I can say that she has been an excellent motivator for caring for myself. Every time she screams or cusses me I run for a mile or so. Excellent cardio workout plus stress relief. It has helped me to cope and lose weight.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Yes, I believe it affects their attitude because actually she is scared about what is happening to her and her anger may be a response to her fear. Try suggestions, like, "mom it is such a pretty day, why don't we get an ice cream and go sit in the park for a little while and go to the bank tomorrow?" Try to take her to do the things that are fun to her. And remember, she may not be around much longer, so try to enjoy her while you still have her.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
karenp, You are not alone in what you are dealing with. I have seen each of my parents primary personality traits became more prominent as they aged. My mom appreciative and happy, my dad argumentative and hurtful.

I began taking care of my mom when my dad was unable to care for her properly. With their permission, we moved both of them into our home and eventually they sold their home and we set up an in-law-suite for them in my home. My mom loved being in my home and although I helped her with many highly personal tasks such as bathing and using the toilet she remained appreciative and I never found it burdensome to care for her until she passed on. However, she was never diagnosed with dementia.

My dad, who's now been with me for 8 years and turns 90 in July, was never appreciative from the beginning. He was always authoritative, argumentative and hurtful to both my mom and me. He was diagnosed with early dementia when I first became involved (8 yrs ago) and like you I have ofter found it confusing to understand if what I am dealing with is his personality or the dementia. This site has been very helpful in sorting this out but clearly each person will handle the challenges of reasoning and memory loss differently based on their personalities. My dad really struggles with not being in control and although I am the person he argues with the most I am also the one he feels he can safely lash out at. It is very difficult for me. He doesn't want help that he clearly needs. When he does ask for help he will always tell me what I did wrong even though he was at a loss on how to handle it. The dementia affects his reasoning skills greatly and that is the one area I've clearly seen deteriorate over the years. He cannot recall new information and will often tell me he didn't get a choice in something or was never told. However, he is very good at presenting a good face to others. Most people would not know he struggles with dementia issues. His master-of-ceremony personality seems to afford him abilities to hide some of the dementia from others, at least for a while. A visit to the doctor is a social occasion and he will not share real health concerns. Instead he seems proud to tell me the doctor tells him he is amazing and the doctors favorite patient.

The way I have reconciled the hurt and pain inflicted by my dad is to give him as much space as I can. I share information with him on a need-to-know basis. I don't expect to have a father-daughter relationship in the way that we used to. I try to remain behind the scenes and allow him as much independence as possible. I know at some stage I will need to get more involved but I trust God to give me wisdom for how to do that going forward. Blessings to you in this very challenging time.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
My Mom, who is 94 and lives with me also has dementia and has recently gone through several bouts of infection that have caused her to have hallucinations along with sometimes mean behavior. At least that's what I think has been causing the abnormal stuff. Anyway, she's not her normal self at these times. What I wanted to share though is that even when she is 'herself' which is very fun and appreciative, if she hears the slightest hint of frustration or any type of anger or shortness in my responses, she immediately responds differently, and, not good. I try really hard not to let any of that show, but every once in awhile, mostly when I'm tired it does. Now, I have some regular respones ready that I know will either make her laugh, or, are just plain 'happy'. I have definitely noticed a difference when I handle things this way and really I end up feeling better about everything because she stays much happier. It's really hard to do this, so I totally get it. Not sure if this will help you at all, but it might be worth a try. Hugs to you and Mom!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Its a hard road that you are traving on with lots of curves and bumps, Its a mix bag for everyone on this road.Take it easy and ask for help in caring for your mom,I look at it like paying back for a wonderful childhood she gave me. Please take it slow on this road drive with care to slow or not to fast,;lots of hugs to you and mom
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I've been my mother's caretaker for the past 9 years. She lives alone, but close by. The last few months the dementia is rapidly escalating. She is 90 yrs old and does NOT want to die yet. She told me she want to "be happy" first. She's been depressed, negative, controlling sarcastic unhappy and narcisstic since I was a child. My only brother has no contact with her at all. My husband hates her for what she has done to me and to our lives. I think the difference now is that she is still all the things above, but escalated, because she is afraid and angry. I've had cancer and I find it very difficult to keep up under her constant hatefullness. I guess the bottom line is: you are not alone. She has never been a good mother, but even that mother I knew, is now gone. Bless you for going through all this. I hope things will change for you soon.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
This was one of the most difficult things for me to accept when caregiving responsibilites grew; a change in my mom's personality. But who she really is and the mom I remember is still inside, and she needs me. The best advice coming from each and every one who has responded is to honor yourself and forgive yourself for your feelings-they are just that- YOUR feelings. Also, do what you need to do to take care of yourself. This is an awesome thing we caregivers are doing. Unless one has been through the experience, it is just not understood or even respected. I have begun asking that I just be able to do my best with my mom each day. Some days my best is better that other days! And I have started surrendering her to a higher power so that I don't have to feel responsible for "fixing" everything (which I can't anyway.) I wish you and all caregivers peace and strength for each day.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Way to go Danna..beautiful that you pray to do you best with your mom each day..that is what I began to do when I realized I am the only one remaining to help my mother..I thank God that the caring staff at her assisted living facility really care and they enjoy their job..they treat my mom with respect..I am thankful..this is all new to me the Dementia diagnosis. When I researched and found the 10 signs--my mother has them all. I was shocked ex\specially since she has had them for several years now and the pieces of the puzzle really fell into place once her illness was defined. It took a catastrophic event (my brother suddenly passed) and a 30 day hospitalization with pancreatitis that finally the dementia was diagnosed. Bless us everyone who face this disease.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
My Mom lives with me and I am experiencing the same things. She lives with me. She forgets things and then gets angry when I remind her about them
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Someone with Dementia will have these moments of frustration, outbursts, forgetfulness and who's the one that's the closet to her...you. So therefore, you are the one to blame. The best thing to do is not to argue, because with dementia they have lost all reasoning. Just go with it. If they say you lost something, tell them. "I'm sorry its lost let me help you find it." If you try and remind her of something she forgets, don't be upset if she gets angry. Take in a deep breath and walk away. It will only make matters worst if you argue. She has no control over what's happening to her. It's the disease. As much as we think its the person we knew...it's not. The disease will make them say and do things that is not them at all. I know its hard but its best just to not take it personal. My advice to you is educate yourself about the dementia and what you can do to make life easier for you and your loved one. Google Teepa Snow, she has great information on what to do in a lot of different situations.
It's a tough job...the toughest job I have ever done. But just being there for them...is so worth it in the end. Good luck and God Bless.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
My mom has been diagnosed with dementia. I have her home with me. In the am she is difficult doesn't want to get up and is mean. As the day goes on she is back to normal. Can the pills im giving her help at nite so she isn't so mean in the am.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
krk10957, discuss her medications with the doctor. Possibly a change in the timing or dosage will help. Maybe there is an additional drug that would help. But the best person to discuss this with is her doctor.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
1 2
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter