She seems to snap at anything I say, even when I am helping her!! . e.g. today she insisted I take her to the bank. I did and she said "not this one." I asked her which one she meant and she directed me to go to a bank that she has no account at!! I was advised to just "let" them do what they want to do. So I took her there and low and behold - she has no account there. She refused to let me come in the bank with her and when she came out it wasn't "oops, I don't have an account here afterall" but "they said they can't find an account without my SSN (she doesn't remember hers) or some mail from the bank." COMPLETE DENIAL ALWAYS. okay, I get that. Difficult to cope with. But hey, the denial is probably a part of the dementia/self coping strategy. Right?
But here's my question to those who are caring for someone with dementia: Does the "attitude" (never happy, always complaining, takes everything so serious and then tells me "not to say that again") come with the dementia as par for the course or is it just a magnification of her personality? Does everyone with dementia seem like they have an axe to grind (not saying they don't). Is unhappiness, misery, whining, moaning, complaining, being nasty to people the hallmark of dementia?
Guilty self confession here: I now seem to hate being with my mother. I didn't use to hate our times together, but now I do. When I go to pick her up (3-4 times a week for about 5 hours each time) I dread the thought of spending time with her. She is never happy. Always complaining about everything. I can't crack a joke because either she doesn't get it or gets angry about the joke I made. I feel like I can only be subdued and miserable around her. Am I the only one to feel this way? I really think I am.
I help as much as I can and they have home health care but really she needs to be in a home. I think it will take something terrible happening to him to change things. I have told her I cannot take care of here alone. Dementia is a terrible thing and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
Your description of your mother's behavior is not unusual for dementia patients. You are not alone. It is also not universal. There are pleasant mannered persons with dementia, too. Maybe it is somewhat related to personality before dementia, but I really don't think that is always the case. Dementia does change people.
My husband (now age 85, Lewy Body Dementia) went through a period of paranoia, was sure I was stealing from him, called the sherrif (or tried to -- not very steady with the phone buttons) more than once, was mistrustful and belligerent. None of that was a magnification of his personality. Now he has accepted that he has memory and confusion problems. He is grateful for my help. Almost every restaurant we go to serves "the best meal I've ever had." He still gets jokes, and makes them himself. So, dementia personality and behavior is all over the map. And sometimes the same person exhibits different behaviors over the course of the disease.
It sounds like you are doing a great job of interactng with her, even when she is being very difficult. During the bad times, my mantra became "This is not my husband saying these things. It is the disease." I suggest you come up with your own version. The mother you love and used to like spending time with is still in there. Look for and cherish the moments when she shines through. Try very hard not to take the rest of it personally.
You and I and all caregivers of dementia patients have suffered/are suffering a real loss. Our loved one is no longer fully present, no longer the person we knew and loved. That is a sad loss. And just as sometimes people in mourning after a death have anger, so do we. Cut yourself some slack. Dreading spending time with this person she has become does not make you a flawed daughter.