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Seems to me your mother originally wanted to fight to stay alive, so she went through with the surgery. But now, post-op, her aging body is too weak and the exhaustion makes her unwilling to do anything. Totally understandable and logical. The doctor said she could have 1 year if she would eat, drink and move around. So, if she's unwilling and unable to do those things, she will probably go sooner.

If I were in your shoes, and she was my mother, I would let her rest and sleep as much as she wants. She can eat and drink when she wants. The main focus would be to give her the most comfort, not to cajole her to do things she obviously has no energy for. To do the things you want her to do may seem easy for you, but for her, it may be like running up the stairs or climbing hills. If she regains strength and recovers, great, if not, at least she is comfortable for the rest of her days.
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Beatty Feb 2021
"The main focus would be to give her the most comfort".

Agree.

Unlike the family I had the misfortune to meet recently. 90s+ elder with Alz with #hip; Family wants curative hip surgery rather than comfort care. Why? Elder could walk pre-surgery & still recognised her family. But, also had delusions, is very physically aggressive, has emotional distress & DNR in place.

Child 1 brings crystals & wants a full walking talking mother.
Child 2 wants her to go on & die (peacefully)
Child 3 changes mind everyday between the two directions.

They bickered, distracted, obstructed care, argued with medical team about what direction they WANTED.

A no time seemed able to comprehend the future would happen regardless of what they WANTED but what would BE.

The elder could have been returned to her own NH room & bed to live her days in familiar surroundings with familiar staff, to recover or not as would be. But no, the bickering continued, then whether to transfer to a hospice setting - for so long that she was too unstable to move by that time. The obstruction to comfort measures resulting in pressure injuries (reported to the Coroner).

I hope never to see such selfishness again dressed up as 'caring'.
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Thank you for your response. I did speak to her yesterday. She wants to get better but just feels very tired, too tired to do anything.
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Hospice is wonderful, and bad experiences are the exception, not the rule. I fired the first hospice company I hired for my dad, loved the replacement one, and now I'm using a third one I love for my mom.

Please don't let your sibling veto such a vital resource for your mother, because pain management is a huge part of what they can do for her. It isn't something to do on your own.

By all means, have the conversation wit your mom. She'd likely welcome it, and make sure that she understands hospice is not a death sentence.
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nal123 Feb 2021
Thank you for your answer...My sister is the POA, so I can’t proceed without her agreement.
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Major cancer surgery in her 90s? Wow, that's a lot to be dealing with. Cancer AND surgery both take a huge toll on a body. Is she on a lot of meds, maybe new ones, that could be causing her to withdrawn and sleepy?

Is there a prognosis for her cancer? How was your mom's condition before surgery?

Do you have POA? If so, and if her condition is hospice worthy, you do not have to abide by your sibling's opposition. Hospice is often the right answer, at some point.

That's a big IF from the doc - if she starts doing X, Y and Z. If she doesn't start cooperating, it's not going to be pretty. But, at her age and following a major surgery, it could just take her a bit to snap out of it. Being under for surgery can cause some serious brain fog, sometimes irreversible in older folks.

Do you have any outside help coming in? I find my mom is ALWAYS much more cooperative with the professionals than she EVER is with me. I would try to get some services like PT in home.

Might not be a bad idea to get her back to the doctor?

Good luck.
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nal123 Feb 2021
Thanks for your response. Her surgery was expected to be curative. They need to do a further scan to check for spread but have been unable to do that. My sister is the POA, so she is calling the shots. We are fortunate to have help and VNS coming in.
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Surgery in the elderly does a job on them. I think Alva will agree that Anesthesia can stay in their systems for a while. Since she wouldn't go to rehab I am surprised they didn't offer in home therapy. She may still be able to get with a Drs order.

I am with Alva with how to handle the situation. Maybe u should take her to the doctor just to get her vitals checked and make sure it not meds not something physical. Maybe she is depressed.
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nal123 Feb 2021
Thanks for your response. When I say bedridden, I mean she literally needs someone to roll her over in bed, can’t sit on her own, walk etc. Her dr has come in and she has had blood work, urine test and a chest X-ray since discharge. We do have home therapies. She is cooperative but won’t do any of the exercises etc in between.
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Please speak with your Mom. Then honor her wishes. Does she know the prognosis? Doctors often error on the "positive" with that "She COULD have..." business. It sounds that this is an incurable cancer. It sounds that Mom is staying in bed and doesn't wish to eat and drink and "get better". She may be done. She may be exhausted. I have often here written of the "exhaustion" of my father, and how he and I discussed it. As a nurse so many patients told me that they were well and surely "done" with life, and wished only for sleep and peace, and then tell me that they couldn't speak with their family.
Speak with your Mom about what she wants now. If you are her POA for health then follow her wishes after discussing with the rest of the family what they are. If she would like Hospice please honor her wishes. If she wants basically to eat what she wants, move when she wants, then honor THAT.
Sometimes we ask a family or a forum when we should ask the person involved. I wish you so much luck. I am so sorry for what your Mom is going through, and what you must witness and worry about.
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nal123 Feb 2021
Thank you for your response. I did speak to her yesterday. She wants to get better but just feels too exhausted to do much of anything. Her surgery was supposedly curative although she hasn’t had the scan to confirm.
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