I have a mother who is 69 and able bodied, very healthy and was planning to work full time at least until her mid seventies. During Covid she lost her job and decided to go ahead and retire. We own the house she lives in and charge her way under market value. Even at what we charge her, it is still a stretch for her on a fixed income. We have decided to sell the home since we are moving. She is very upset, understandably. She could go back to work and afford to possibly buy the house herself. But she refuses to work, other than a few hours a week for a neighbor she helps with Alzheimer’s. Her family pays her cash. She is very healthy and now even helps aging neighbors who actually need it.
She is very upset with me and calling me ‘selfish’ because I am ‘kicking her out’ of her home. I have given her more than a year warning, this is not something imminent, giving her plenty of time to find other arrangements, decide if she wants to work or not etc.. We bought this home when my now deceased step father was terminally ill to move them closer to us so I could take care of him and she could continue to work. He was self employed most of his life and didn’t manage for his retirement very well, so there is little to no savings. She has gone through quite a bit of what she has just to stay in the home we own.
She wants to make absolutely no concessions in her lifestyle. We considered having her move in with us, but I don’t think that would be good for any of us. It would just be enabling her and pre-aging her and legitimizing her ‘old’ mindset and view of herself.
I have been her enabler, ‘rock’ and co-dependent for years. I have been doing a lot of healing, therapy and inner work and realizing this is not a healthy dynamic for either of us. She is not going to go willingly though, in fact kicking and screaming almost childlike. She seems to feel entitled to be treated like one of my actual children.
She has worked herself into a negative spiral of emotions and I think might be depressed now, but refusing to speak to anyone or go to any counseling. I have offered to help pay etc… Feeling conflicted, the people pleaser in me just wants to give in just to make peace again and or back track on my word. My sisters are both supportive and happy that I have finally taken a stand and asked our mom to be more independent and not rely on me so much. They feel she has manipulated me for years.
In just a few short weeks of conversations I have gone from being her ‘rock’ to self centered and uncaring in her eyes. I am very sad and worried, hoping we can get past this. At times I am believing her thoughts about me and doubting myself…
Any advice welcomed…
Just curious - where are you moving? Locally or far away?
I agree with others that if mom has limited resources, she should go into government assisted over 55 housing. My MIL was in such an apartment and her only income was her meager SS check so she only paid $200/month in rent cuz that was literally all she could afford.
Not sure why you're waiting a year to put the house on the market? I'd pull the band-aid off and get her move sooner rather than later. Do some leg work and look at a couple of the apartments that could be feasible for her, take her to look at the top 2 and get her on the waiting list.
Good luck.
She's a senior brat and is really acting like one. As I see it, she has two choices:
1) Go back to work and buy the house herself (which would probably be a mistake at her age).
Or
2) Don't go back to work and move to a nice, affordable senior condo community. Enjoy retirement in good health. Maybe work a few easy care gigs paying in cash and take up a hobby with the money earned. Or join a 'silver' senior travel group. Go to Paris. Eat nice food. Drink good wine. Enjoy beautiful artwork.
Your mother is 69 years old, very healthy, and is retired.
The world is her oyster. She should be enjoying it, instead of spiting you with her co-dependent and gaslighting nonsense.
Her problems are not your responsibility. She is the cause of them, not you. At some point she is going to have to find a new place to live. Don't let it be with you. DO NOT move her in with you because you'll regret it.
Also try to appeal to mom's helper side. Section 202 housing is full of a lot of ppl who can use a hand up. my mom dcid respite care during her pre-retirement life, and continued doing that sort of thing for neighbors into independent living housing. She would cook for ppl who were having serious health issues and had no close family that assisted, she'd keep an eye on people (she directly saved at least two people's lives), etc.
She might also be expecting back what she gives out. Shje needs "help" now and you're not giving it in her eyes which would make you seem uncaring. But she might not realize what she's currently asking is too much for your family to bear.
These situations are usually kind of rough. Good luck.
The problem here may be is there is a written rental agreement. She did tell Mom a year ago she needed to find a place to live. Its one thing if the person is buying the property as a rental, then yes they have to honor the lease in place. But if buying to live in it? maybe a different scenario. I would not buy a home with a renter in it. There is no guarantee the renter will move out when the lease is up.
Maybe that is what OP will need to do, give Mom written notice that the house is being sold and she has a certain number of days to vacate. A house will sell better when no one is living there. If no lease, its usually 30 day notice, I think.
So, if you charge her, then you are responsible for the taxes and upkeep? Right there is a good reason to sell, her rent is not covering your out of pocket. Your actually supporting her. Mom has to realize that it won't be long that you will be looking at retirement and Medicare. As middle aged people, you need to seriously look at your retirement. You need to put away as much as possible because of inflation.
I just ran into a friend whose Mom is going to be 90. She just stopped working and hates it.
What was her job?
You're selling the house no matter what, so she can
1. Sign a lease at market rent that the new owner will have to honor (and she will, too), so she can stay in the house until the lease runs out, or
2. Move
It's always helpful to give people choices, so they feel more in control of their destiny.
(It also works with toddlers and keeps their tantrums to a minimum, too!😉)
But in reality change is always good and is a constant in all of our lives, whether we like it or not.
So keep on with your plans of selling the house and DO NOT under any circumstances allow her to move in with you. You will certainly live to regret it if you do.
Your mom will be just fine once she gets used to the new changes in her life, so continue to stand your ground.