Executor's fee? Do you feel like it's fair?

There is a reason a fee for the Executor is written in the agreement. It involves alot of hard work and your husband deserves it. There are 5 of us kids and my brother was the Executor for my mom's estate. She lived with him and after she died he had the responsibility of settling all of her affairs, paying bills and ect. He also made sure we all got even shares of what was left over. He deserved to be paid for all of that and all of us wanted him to have it.

Is the fee a state law or a federal law?

Tell him to take it. It's perfectly legal and his sister needs to stop whining about it. As you said, she only contributed 20% to the time and effort it took to take care of your in laws. Your husband needs to outline to his siblings that it's because of his efforts, alongside yours, that they're inheriting anything at all so they need to be grateful about that.

Take the fee. 100%.

The abstract construct of money turns all the nice “Dr. Jekylls” into seething “Mr. Hydes.”

Respect the law—-
The probate laws provide for the executor—by statute. All those legislators created these laws for a reason. These laws were not created yesterday, but hundreds of years ago, when your very state was founded.

These state laws are rooted in legal history. (They actually go back to ancient Greco-Roman law).

Respect the wishes of the Deceased— as executor that is your duty.
This percentage allowance is not just set by the laws of your state, it was also set by the person who chose the executor for the job and knew the executor would get that extra percentage. Lawyers always make this very clear when preparing a will.

If the Will specified to give you the diamond engagement ring, this is just as clear.

The person creating the will (who chose the executor, but did not agree with the statutory percentage) could choose, for example, to “balance” by giving extra money or the engagement ring to the other person.

No one decent would ever complain about this.

The real question is .....
If you give them your money, are they going to like you more?

That is for you to decide.

Next... they will complain about the hutch, the family photos, the golf clubs. They probably already are.

It is hard to lose one person and find you really “lost” another too (when you see their greed, jealously, selfishness...). You are not alone.

Yes he should take the money you both put in the work! And it’s not the type of job anyone would want to do . My family was a little upset when they say heard my brother the executor was getting 10,000 for my Dad when he died. It’s a lot of work though and it’s not something everybody would want to do . The way we look at it is now we’re all good with it now even the one who was a little bit jealous about it but that same person is the person who gave the least help to parents . What I always say is “do you want to do all the work required and have him change the executor to you ? That usually scares those people to shut up . My brother had to go to Social Security and file for it and took off work many times and was afraid he was gonna lose his job etc. not a easy job

Your SIL is hardly an expert on how to treat family. Take the fee.

The fee is yours UNDER THE LAW. Period. It is accepted and expected legally for the work. Tell the sister-in-law that you will happily turn executor duties over to a lawyer who will collect 300 and hour for his work.
And tell the sister in law that I am 76 and have been around a lot, and in my humble opinion this is just EXACTLY what happens to families at the end of life of their elder. They fight like starving dogs for every scrap left. So sorry, after all you have done, that there is no recognition of what you have done. It is as sad as it is par for the course.

Take it. My mom is one of six. She was the one helping my grandmother 90% of the time with time and finances. My grandmother left her substantially more to compensate as my mom would not accept payment from my grandmother when she was alive. Siblings were mad and one said the same thing. I was 34 at the time and couldn’t fully wrap my head around the upset. Now at 48 I get it. Her sister was ok with someone else doing all the work, taking on all the stress and losing time and peace of mind being in the trenches for free so THAT is how family treats family? Leaving one person to do all the work and then when there is a reward in the end you shut that down? That’s how family treats family? Instead of saying “wow, so glad for you, you did a lot. You deserve it. Glad mom had you...”

It sounds like your husband’s sister was stingy with her time and efforts when it was needed and now she wants to be stingy with giving thanks. She can kick rocks!!!

how much is an executors fee typically? A flat amount, a percent of the estate, how is that figured? I realized it is not intended to cover caregiving before dying, but it often seems the case is the primary care giver also becomes the executor. I think with a cousin the executor fee was set relatively high (IMHO) to help recognize all the work my cousin and his wife did for my aunt and uncle before they died, that no other siblings did.

I am executor for my mother's estate. I will not be taking an executor fee, because I do not want to hurt my relationship with my sister. When my grandmother died, our uncle as executor took the full amount allowed, which, given my grandmother's assets, was about $100,000. We thought that was greedy and it led to a lot of resentment. We don't speak to him or our cousins.

It used to be simple to do the clean up after a death so many didn't take the fees that they were legally allowed [or did they & were quiet about doing so?] - now the paper work & hoop jumping is onerous & time consuming - I bet SIL would take the fees if she was in same position - your family have given enough 'free labour' & didn't charge when you could have -

Keep track of the time spent on the estate for both hubby/you & at minimum wage how close do you get to the fees? - if it is higher then ask SIL which way she'd like you to charge for your time & effort because the time for free labour is over

I believe this to be a very personal thing. If it were someone outside of the family, an assigned administrator, there would be a fee. Having taken care of my mother for the last 18 months of your life, I know you have earned it several times over.

This is a very personal decision and a hard one. We don't do this as a job to earn money, most do this out of love for their family. My mother started out fairly independent, then things changed quickly after she broke her hip. Before long, she was bidden ridden and I was changing diapers. Her dementia increased rapidly and she didn't know me anymore. It's a very hard, emotional roll coaster to be a part of. And then to add in the expense of physically care for them and the cost is overwhelming.

At $167 per day, our rate per day for a medical care (nursing home) to keep her a few days after the allowed 5 day Respite Care is expensive. Having a private care giver so you can work during the day is as expensive, if not more expensive, than paying for childcare. Luckily, I didn't work. With Aetna's Medicare program, after day 20 of rehab for the broken hip, they wanted us to pay for days 32-100 out of pocket, then Aetna would cover the rest. That would have cost us $12,000 for those 80 days! I found a care center for day stay where I could drop her off from 9am - 4pm per day for $125 per day. I used it once a month for a meeting I had to attend. The point is, unless someone from the family volunteers their time, it can get outrageously expensive.

My sister took her for the weekend a dozen times when we had other things we had to do. My father in law was going through home hospice too out of state and we visited to support his mom a few times. My brother did nothing. He could not bare to see her in this condition, so he stayed away.

I took this on out of love for my mom. She even wrote in her will that no one was to be paid for handling her estate. She had been a widow for over 40 years and there wasn't much left except the home. It need extensive repairs which my sister and I fronted the funds to do. This allowed our disabled brother to receive a little bigger inheritance after expenses.

And guess who was the executrix? My sister had lost her husband a few years before and our mom didn't have the heart to place the burden of her estate on my sister. I handled everything and more. I moved my brother, which is a whole other issue, into an apartment so I could empty the home. Hired the contractor and ran around buying materials to help cut the cost down. If the contractor bought the materials, then he would charge for that too. Took several months to complete. There were more problems with the home than we knew about. My only wish was that I wish my mom could have enjoyed her home some after everything was completed and ready to sale. After that, I placed the home up for sale. I was the realtor and yes, I took my commission for doing the work of selling the home. It took 5 months to sell. her home was placed on the market in Fall, which was a slow season for home sales. But that's how long it took to remodel and update the home. Hurricane Harvey happened the previous summer and all the contractors were booked still repairing homes.

My mom had dealt with her parents deaths and my father's. so she knew what she did and didn't want to happen and placed it in her will. She inventories her entire home. Anything gifts were returned to the giver. The rest was divided between the siblings. What wasn't wanted by us was offered to the grandchildren and they got some nicer items from their parents portion. The rest was donated. The paperwork is never ending, filing claims and distributing shares. The estate is settled, but there's still paperwork and a few small things to take care of. You have to check everything as there may be something you were unaware of. Most is trash, but there were a few surprises, so check pockets, books and containers.

An executor's fee refers to time you spent administering the particulars of settling an estate. It doesn't refer to anything you did for your MIL or FIL before that. With that in mind, I am currently settling my father's estate and the details have taken a lot of time. I am entitled to be compensated for my time, but that requires me to keep good records and I probably won't go that route. Of course, none of my siblings knows/cares how much of my time it takes, just so they get their share. The love of money is the root of all evil.

he's entitled to it. take it,without any regreats. his siblings are putting material things over the decency of love of family.

You are right!

Your sister in law is right but she's got it twisted...this is not how SHE should be treating YOU. As other's have noted it is by law something you are entitled to. The time and effort it takes to manage this stuff and oversee it is enormous. This really isn't compensation for all you have noted having done...just for handling the paperwork details etc. If there were an estate of any value I would think with proof of all you have done you'd be able to contest the will.

The time you and your husband spent--outside of any other expenses--ENTITLES you to the executor's fee. I don't believe that any of your in-laws would have considered donating all of those hours without some kind of compensation. Your time is just as valuable as theirs; just because your husband's parents weren't "official" employers does not mean that you weren't working. The outdated notion that housewives' and family caretakers' contributions have little or no value is still alive and well even in today's "enlightened" society. Agreeing to being an executor is a huge responsibility and requires someone who is trustworthy and will not take unfair advantage of the position. Your in-laws should be grateful that you took on the burden that would have otherwise fallen to them or, even worse, to an outside party such as an attorney, who would have had no qualms or hesitation about taking the fee. My personal opinion is that your husband is entitled to entire fee, not just a percentage. I would also remind the SIL who thinks that  "This isn't the way family treats family" to turn that finger around and point it at herself. You are 100% deserving of this fee; please stick to your guns and don't allow the in-laws to manipulate or guilt you into succumbing to their selfish agendas. When all is said and done, "blood" isn't always "thicker than water" and family are, after all, just normal human beings that happen to be related to you and not by choice. If you allow them to push you around and use you as a "doormat" for their own gain, they will gladly oblige and continue such behavior going forward.

You are absolutely entitled to the fee. This may be snippy, but the whole "family doesn't treat family like that" also refers to their utter failure to take are of the in-laws. Take the fee.

Of course, the ultimate decision is yours based on your beliefs and values, but it may be worth considering that "peace at any price is often no peace at all".

I am the executor for my mom and I intend to take them. I did everything for her until about 3 years ago, when my brother took over. When I say took over, I mean TOOK over! He made her sign over all her money to him, she had almost $90K. He gave me $15K which I've held in an account for her needs. He's spent some of the money for a pre needs funeral account and some to paint and put a new carpet in an apartment he has off of his kitchen. Yes, he's been caring for her, but he also takes a monthly rent from her, not to mention the money that he's taken which was at least $50K. When I mention to him that he should split that with me, he gets crazy. I'm thinking that that money is gone. He supposedly took the same $15k that he gave me, but is now claiming that he's never taken it and wants to take it now. So, when the time comes, I will be taking that fee from the money that's in a trust.

When I inherited after my paternal grandmother died it never, ever occurred to me to gripe about it or even ask how much the other grandchildren received! Never ever!!

Your MIL's estate in terms of dollars, cents and the value of her possessions was no one's business but the executor's. No one is entitled to an inheritance. It is a gift and token of affection. That your husband's siblings have made it all about the money is, in my opinion, very bad manners and disrespectful to the memory of your MIL.

"While the financial side of their estate was simple, it took many, many hours to deal with the possessions."....there is no difference between the financial side and possessions. Everything was part of her estate, and it took your husband's time to deal with the estate.

That he had to fight to get 60% of what he was entitled to suggests that his siblings weren't really concerned with "family". He should have taken the 100% to which he was entitled. If the only way to preserve a relationship revolves around money perhaps it's not a relationship worth preserving.

Good question but not apt..by that I mean, the fee is prescribed by, I presume, your state laws. It doesn't have to be justified...If your hubby takes less, the siblings owe him thanks.

Grace + peace,

Bpb

Metoo111. I was appointed guardian/conservator for our Mother last July. 3 siblings cut me out, I know why 2 did but they have their own reasons duh. The situation came to the point that my siblings decided I should be "the one" without telling me UNTIL I received a phone call from our "#1 UGLY STEP-SISTER". The ugly step-siblings all claim to be "Christians", but I'm not sure Jesus would think so. ANYWAY, I found out from my Family Law attorney is that I MUST not only keep track of my out of pocket expenses, which I have for over a year, but ALL OF MY TIME spent on phone calls, meetings w/attorneys and Trust officer, paying bills, travel to/from, hotels ANYTHING ELSE dealing with Mom's care. EVERYTHING THAT REQUIRES MY TIME TO HANDLE ALL OF THIS IS CHARGED @ $25 per hr or closest 10 min. I was not going to charge Mom's estate UNTIL AFTER THE TIMER BELL RINGS.
My attorney told me that SHOULD I NOT INCLUDE ALL OF THIS IN MY ANNUAL REPORTS TO THE COURT, I WILL NOT BE PAID. I MUST HAVE ALL EXPENSES/BILLED TIME APPROVED BY COURT/AUDIT!! I did not want my siblings to know what I have/will be spending out of pocket as I was wanting to surprise them afterward when Estate is settled.
Per attorney, I will be giving up ALL OF MY RIGHTS FOR PAYMENT(S) OF EVERYTHING IF I DO NOT REPORT ALL OF THIS TO THE COURT EVERY YEAR.
Ok, that's not an issue, I can do that.
By having to do so, my "secret" will no longer be "secret". I MUST send an accounting to NOT ONLY my siblings, BUT TO MY 4 UGLY STEP-SIBLINGS!! WHY THE STEP-SIBLINGS? My step-father also has Alzheimer's, living in same assisted living BUT by law I am required to inform him. Since he has Alzheimer's, then I'm required to inform his adult children!!
What till my siblings find out that I am named Executress in the Will and yes, I'll be entitled to fees to settle the Estate with the Court.
I travel once a month to make sure Mom's property is being maintained, repairs done, meet with contractors, connect with medical staff, assisted living personnel, visit with Mom/step-father/Lady, their dog for at least 2-3 hrs. I make this 14 hr to/from trip by car (airlines do not fly from where we live directly to my hometown w/o at least 3 layovers, rental/hotel would cost more than driving)every month. I HAVE TO BEG MY 2 SIBLINGS WHO STILL LIVE BACK HOME TO VISIT MOM, MY OTHER SIBLING LIVES OUT OF STATE TOO, BUT WORKS FOR AN AIRLINE SO THERE'S NO PROBLEM GETTING ON A PLANE!
My attorney told me to take the money and place in a savings account for unexpected issues with Mom since I don't feel right about being paid for services rendered. I'd do all of this for nothing, she is our Mom.
The way my attorney put it, IF YOU DON'T DO IT AND COURT HAD TO APPOINT A PROFESSIONAL TO DO THE SAME JOB.....GUESS WHAT, YOU'D BE PAYING AND DRAINING YOUR MOTHER'S INVESTMENTS AND MORE!
The family, even my step-siblings are looking out for themselves. You're taking our inheritance. NO ONE IS ENTITLED TO AN INHERITANCE, YOUR HUSBAND IS ENTITLED TO SERVICES RENDERED.

You/he NEED to talk with a very good Family Law attorney. Your husband may have given up everything he was kind/loving enough to do thus far.

THIS MATTER DEPENDS ON YOUR STATE LAWS. Husband may have had to be certified by the State too, so he may have "given up" all rights and family wins!

TAKE IT!

I am a firm believer in what you sow is what you reap. You did plenty, more than enough, and no one else seemed interested or did much to help. I think, given that fact, your husband SHOULD TAKE THE EXECUTOR'S FEE......He earned it. And if the siblings get mad, that is their problem. Had they shared equally in taking care and helping, it would be a different situation - but they did not do that. YOU were the caretakers and as far as I am concerned, you DESERVE every cent of it. Stand strong. Do not give in as they are wrong, just mad about the money and jealous. And if this causes hard feelings and things become hard for you with them, realize the type of people they are AND WALK AWAY AND DON'T LOOK BACK. Sometimes in life walking away is the best and only solution to having a decent peaceful life in the future. Do it if you need to.

I guess your husband is considering the fact that your property gained value due to the improvements made in order for your in-laws to live there. The executor's fee is just that. It really isn't meant to address the countless hours of work you and he did to support his parents. Of course he is entitled to the entire executor's fee and wouldn't be wrong to take it, however, if by taking 60%, he can keep the peace, then that is his choice. On the down low, you could get an estimate of how that reno increased the value of your home in order to put a round figure to the financial benefit that might give you (of course minus his labor on that project). I would not mention this element to his siblings.

Thanks everyone for your support. Good to know that I am not being selfish to push for taking that fee. I honestly feel like he/we earned it.

I would like to defend my SIL. Yes, she made the "I don't think that's the way family takes care of family" comment while discussing the fee. She is 15 years older than my husband and me and has had some health issues that interfered at times with helping more while her mom lived with us. She was also helping to care for her MIL (in a MC facility) who passed away six months before her mom. Her husband has some serious liver problems and they took a 2 month camping trip while they still can. While my husband and I were happy to care for their mom while they were gone, I don't know that they would have taken the trip if she hadn't been with us.

All that being said, she did very little to deal with her mom's possessions which took many, many more hours to deal with than the financial side. My husband was on my MIL's accounts before her death and she had a will (which we paid for) that streamlined the financial side of her estate.

Ironic that people have criticized my SIL for her comment but no one has pointed out that BIL (my husband's brother) did nothing.

He's such a jerk that he told us, in front of his mother, "She lives with you. She's your responsibility." This was while he was telling us how to care for her after being alone with her for six hours.

We moved the week after she was hospitalized for the last time. My MIL, who couldn't walk more than 10 feet without having to rest, asked her son to help her pack (which he hadn't done in the previous three moves). His answer..."I'm 54 years old and my packing and moving days are over. You need to find someone else to help you with that." But, that day, he did take the antique sewing machine and table that he wanted.

We didn't even bother asking for his help dealing with her estate.

I would have had a really hard time with that #$%@ getting more for doing nothing.

I appreciate the chance to vent in a safe space!!

Yes take the fee and make no apologies
if they say something simply look at them and say where were you when we did x y and z
then walk away and don’t look back
do no get into a discussion with them if need be practice what you will say
di not get any quilt over this you did more than your share
it is too bad your mil didn’t leave you more than the others
shame on them

Yes take it
my mil lived near my husband and me
he did nothing to take care of her his siblings lived out of state and never came to visit
The day she was dying I sat with her my husband refused to go saying he had to go to the gym
I had to clean out her apartment no help from anyone
I was the one to make her funeral arrangements
when she died they all split money she left no one even said thanks for all I did

the only thing I did was tell them not to come to the funeral
they weren’t there when I needed help I sure didn’t want them weeping over casket

You deserve the fee so take it as you did all of the work, while the rest didn't. No apology necessary - it's your fee.