I had to put my mother into a care home as she has dementia. We have not spoken to my brother for over 20 years. I contacted him and he went to see her. She didn’t recognise him and the carer said he was heartbroken. She then said maybe she will know you next time to which he replied, "There won’t be a next time. I won’t be back. It’s too upsetting seeing her like that." I sent him a message telling him I’m here for him and he replied thank you. I’m heartbroken for him as she still recognises me. What should I do now?
Or if he changes his mind and decides he wants to visit again, tell him to just introduce himself with his name and that he's her son when he walks into her room. That might be helpful for them both.
I was estranged from my mother for over 20 years, and when she was on her death bed, I walked into the room where she lay, and she asked me who I was. I just responded with my first name, and she just said "oh." It didn't bother me that she didn't recognize me, as it had been a long time since she'd seen me.
And even though I had made peace with my extremely dysfunctional childhood, and my parents many years earlier, for my mental health, I chose to distance myself from both my parents.
So give your brother his space and let him decide what is best for himself.
Don't worry about it, you have enough stress already.
I wonder if it's occurred to him, that it's hard for you to see her like that, too? People with a sense of duty push through those feelings. (as you have)
That said, I think others here have had some good ideas, don't give up on him visiting her, after he's cooled down. (for your Mom's sake, if nothing else)
(I would have been tempted to reply - 'It's hard for me to see you, like this, I thought you cared about someone besides yourself')
First, I'm not understanding due to lack of more info on your part.
Second, Don't you think if he wanted to talk to you all, he would have done it in the last 20 years?
Third, Did you really expect her to recognize him after 20 years??
Fourth, If you didn't care enough to speak with him and he didn't speak to you, for the last 20 years, then what is your reasoning behind getting in touch with him other than to possibly make you happy for him to come see her, which he did.
Fifth, Now he's made it very clear he will not be back which sounds like it made you very unhappy. It seems to me like you stirred the pot, and now there's nothing you can do about it except leave him alone.
Sixth, If he's interested enough to call and if you're interested enough to speak to him, then hopefully your rift can be mended.
At this point, I'd leave him alone unless he's asked for updates, which you haven't mentioned either. You've already got enough on your plate... let it go.
Good luck to you!
I imagine, it will be hard to recognize people after 20 years, add dementia probably almost impossible even to remember.
Let him be and email again in few days/ weeks.
You should not be so hard on yourself, it is not your fault.
I don't think there is a thing you can do other than maybe mail your brother some books on dementia and maybe a book or two on how not to be estranged from his family.
I see my mom all the time and she doesn't know who I am. Dementia is ugly and that first shock that they no longer recognize you is pretty devastating.
There really isn't anything YOU can do. You don't mention why there was no contact for 20 yrs. Is your brother going to start calling you now that you have made the first move in calling him? If you are never going to hear from him again, I wouldn't worry about it.
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