My sister from out of town wants to visit Mom in memory care. She has stated she wants to stay at memory care with Mom for a week. I am afraid even a week will be stressful for Mom and the staff. My sister is sloppy and does not clean up after herself, and I don't want her to be a burden to the staff and Mom. She also has a history of saying she will stay for a week and then stays a month. She hasn't seen Mom in 3 years because last time she came (mom was in assisted then) she smoked pot in my Mom's room within hours of her arrival! She was asked by the facility director to leave within 24 hours. Both Mom and I were mortified. I am going to talk to the memory care director and ask about their policy for family visitors, and I am trying to be sensitive to the fact that my Mom is 90 and my sister wants to see her, but I think a week is too long ( she has money to stay in a hotel but wont) and I am afraid she will cause disruption for Mom and the staff, and not leave after a week. She cannot stay with my husband and me for many reasons. My mother wants to see her, but even she knows ( even though she would never say a word to her about it) that her visits are always troublesome and lots of drama. Any suggestions on the best way for me to handle this? I am dreading her visit.
Memory Care facilities try to keep visitors at a minimum, and zero at night, as "strangers" confuse the other residents, some get afraid. If a visitor has a meal with a resident during the day, that needs to be planned ahead, and said meal will be added to your Mom's monthly bill. Some facilities have a sign-in/sign-out book, so your sister tries to stay, the Adm office will notice and may ask her to leave.
My Dad's memory care room was the size of a single college dorm room. Therefore, room for a twin bed, and some furniture. No room for a visitor to sleep. Unless your sister thinks she can sleep in a vacant room. That won't happen because an un-used room is probably empty of furniture, or if it has furniture it is ready for a new resident to move in (painted, re-carpet, spot-less).
The sister should finance her own visit by staying at a motel nearby.
What sister "says" she "wants" is of no relevance whatsoever: " She has stated she wants to stay at memory care with Mom for a week." No.
Sister has called you, is using you to pave the way to this manipulation. You have no obligation to try and arrange this for her in any way. Maybe she won't come if you don't pave the way.
If you are not around (visiting) (arranging) at the time, you will avoid the drama and let the facility manage Mom's safety and upset. After warning them, of course.
Get a restraining order if sister does not leave when required.
Another idea: If Mom can go out for a visit do that, limit the supervised visit to
two hours. A restaurant. Then Mom goes home. Get the MC facility to deny sister's entry to the facility. You need to get Mom's informed consent before the visit.
Short visits are best.
What is disturbing (at least to me), is the fact that I even know so much about a similar situation like yours.
You are wise to be prepared, but part of the manipulation is that you will tear yourself apart with worry and end up being an easy target. The truth is, it seems to me, that your sister is likely to be an undesirable guest.
Do not hesitate to call 911 to report suspicious drug activity in the parking lot near her car if all else fails.
If you think this would upset mom (and I am sure it would) then prohibit the overnight visit.
And I am sure that a new overnight visitor will upset other residents as well.
Don't facilitate helping her make the visit happen. Don't enable her. Don't allow her to stay with you, either.
Do you have POA for your mother? If so you can limit visits. For example, saying your sister can only visit if you are also present. The facility managers know that MC residents can be taken advantage of, scammed, or become emotionally distressed, so they are willing to protect the residents when necessary, if legally permitted.
Memory care isn't a hotel for out-of-towners.