My 93-year old father (recently diagnosed with dementia and living independently, with my mother), fell in the apartment 12 days ago (in fact, he also brought my mother down, as he was trying to stop her walking out of the room but that's another story - she was OK). Ambulance was called as he couldn't get up and he was taken to hospital. Nothing broken - he had a scan and a full check-up and we assumed he'd be sent home almost straight away but he's been in there for 12 days. Part of the issue I think has been lack of carers/support for him once he was discharged, so this has caused a delay. He is in fact coming out today and hopefully with a care package (although this hasn't actually been confirmed). My concern is, that while he was in hospital, he deteriorated. For example, he has never done this before, but he wet the bed and soiled the bed, on 2 separate occasions and soiled himself during the day, while he was sitting in the chair by the side of the bed. Has anyone else had experience of this? Is it part of dementia or could it be the effects of being in hospital (I am hoping it's the latter and now that he's out, he will stop this, as it will be very difficult for my mother to cope with).
He must be quite de-conditioned, having spend 12 days in bed/a chair. Was he getting any physical therapy in the hospital? How far can he walk on his own?
In your shoes, I would ask for consideration of a few weeks of inpatient rehab. It will give you all a much better idea of whether this is the new normal?
Oh and....he was trying to keep your mother from doing what she needed to do? Do you see that as a ref flag for the fact that it may not be safe for him to be at home any longer?
I just checked and found your previous post: https://www.agingcare.com/questions/need-to-get-my-mother-away-from-my-father-asap-449012.htm?orderby=recent
Why are you even considering sending him home? He needs to be in long term care!
Unsolicited advice: You say Dad is “hopefully” being discharged with a “care package.” You aren’t certain? Dad has cognitive issues, is a fall risk and now may be incontinent as well. You need to step in and make sure their discharge plan will keep them safe and get them the help they need. The fact that they kept him in the hospital for almost two weeks because they were concerned about lack of proper care for him is a serious red flag.
Even if Mom and Dad say they’re ok and even if on the surface they’re putting up a good front and refusing help, behind the scenes you and your sibs, if you have them, need to make sure they’re getting the help they need. The fact that they kept him in the hospital for almost two weeks because they were concerned about lack of proper care for him is a serious red flag.
Mom may say she’s ok and doesn’t need help, but I can tell you from experience that she needs help and probably doesn’t want to ask for it. If Dad is so needy that he would endanger himself and Mom by trying to grab her to keep her from leaving the room, their situation may warrant a discussion about ramping up his care.
I hope I’m off base here and that you and any sibs are keeping a close eye on them. However, because falls can happen in a split second, and this time, Mom was “lucky” and wasn’t injured, maybe it’s time to have a discussion about changes that might need to be made.
Have you spoken to the social workers at the hospital about the situation in your parents' home? You have an opportunity here to place your father. I'm not sure I understand why you and your mom are not seeing that.
If dad is incontinent in the hospital, why do you think it will improve at home? Will he willingly wear pullups? Is your mother physically strong enough to change him if he resists?
It seems pretty clear that he are no longer safe living alone in the community without 24/7 help, I agree with the suggestions to look into rehab for your father and some king of permanent supportive arrangement beyond that.
Or just get mom out of there now!
I agree, this is the time to place Dad. You need a meeting with the DON to find out what is going on. Then u need to tell them what goes on in ur parents home. He can be put on Medicaid and placed in LTC. Mom will be considered the Community Spouse and will not made impoverished.
Him living with Mom is not fair to her. He may one day hurt her.
She went in the hospital thankfully only due to a bowel impaction. She was weak from not eating (she didn't have much of an appetite) but was otherwise independent and mobile. Long story short, she spent one week in the hospital and over 3 weeks so far in rehab.
Just from one week in the hospital, she went from being able to clothe, shower, toilet, feed herself and do her own laundry (we do all other chores for her) and errands to stores where she would walk with a shopping cart once or twice per week to not even being able to lift her head off the pillow. I honestly didn't think she might make it.
It's been a long road, but she's now dressing, feeding and clothing herself and going to the bathroom on her own (from soiling herself, etc). She's not walking like she used to, but I expect that will improve. She gets PT every day and I told her I want her to continue that at home.
When I had the care plan meeting with the nursing home, I let them know in no uncertain terms her decline just from 1 week in the hospital! Her mobility was not 100% but she was at least mobile on her own. She had a low baseline to start with from not hardly having any muscles or strength and that 1 week of them just having her lay in the bed exacerbated that by 1000%.
I hope this helps. It has taken a lot of work and encouragement for my mom to start doing things on her own again, but she is on her way to being home and hopefully getting back to where she was. I hope you will find the same for your dad.
Is your mother willing to say that she can no longer care for him? Is she willing to say "no, I won't take him home"? Is she willing to leave with you, at least temporarily?
Caregiving your difficult, mentally ill father is going to kill your mother. There really is no way to sugar coat that message; I saw it happen to two of my aunts. They were both convinced that only they could provide proper care for their husbands and "what would the neighbors think?".
Not surprisingly, both husbands lived quite contentedly in care for quite a while after their wives' demise. It's a very common, and very sad situation.
It's true, you can't force him into care. But you CAN say "we can no longer safely care for him" and "no, mother cannot do this alone".
By the way, when mom dies, are you going to move in with him to keep him at home? What is your plan for when mom expires? Believe me, I'm not saying this to be mean. You really need to think about what the long term plan is here.
I suggest it because my father has dementia, and he had a sudden downturn and became incontinent over the course of a week out of nowhere. He wasn’t at hospital, but I’m saying that yes, a decline can happen that fast and sudden. When all this happened, he also became listless, non-communicative, unable to walk and talk clearly. The CBD oil in his valerian tea seemed to lift some fog overnight. He’s been on it for many weeks now, and continues to show reversion back to how he was before the sudden drop-off. The valerian and the CBD seem to help the anxiety and depression that cones along with this situation.
However, having read your previous post, I’m not sure it would actually change your father’s abusive nature, but it can at least calm him down a bit and maybe (hopefully) help make him clear enough to be less of a burden to your mother. Or it may do nothing at all... But if sending him home to your mom really is the only option, I would try a few drops in his tea. Or at least switch him to valerian tea so he’s more mellow and calm.
Allowing a dementia patient to call the shots is a classic "letting the tail wag the dog" scenario.
I understand that you respect and maybe fear your father's wrath. But if you all can't stand up to him (he's a bully; most bullies fold when you stand up to them, btw) then you need to step back and let the authorities take over.
I hope that you can get your mother to safety before this untenable caregiving situation does her any more harm.
stay , over the years , she has declined . She has many medical issues and dementia. In March of this year , she fell and fractured her hip. She had hip replacement surgery and spent a month in rehab followed by 6 weeks of home PT and OT. She was very confused in rehab and most days just slept . She became incontinent . I really thought she was nearing the end of her life . Fast forward to now . She is back to her pre-fall / surgery self . We are just amazed ! While she was in rehab , they put her on a dementia medicine which really seems to be helping . So, yes, sometimes there is a decline from hospital stays and sometimes there is not . Good luck to all of you taking care of loved ones .
Let your dad figure this out for himself.
Your mother is in need of support for her physical safety and in even more desperate need of psychological support to break free of this abusive relationship.
Leaving your father to his own devices, in my mind at least, is the ONLY clear way to demonstrate to him that he NEEDS to cooperate with all of you. I understand that you think it constitutes abuse. But what he is doing to your mother is demonstrated abuse. And it's been going on for a long time, from what you've written.
I am unfamiliar with the law in the U.K. regarding situations like these. I'm hoping that CountryMouse, our excellent UK poster will weigh in with one of her quite brilliant solutions to this problem.
Your fiancé sounds absolutely brilliant, by the way! Don't let anything get in the way of your wedding.
-In other words, has anyone ever called his bluff, as opposed to wheedling for his cooperation?
With bullies, you need to call their bluff.
This does NOT work if dementia is involved.
If this is a longstanding personality disorder (aka a mental illness) it will have an effect.
You’ve said yourself that you are at your wit’s end with him. Hand it to someone else. There is no reasoning with him. He will not listen nor cooperate. There is nothing you can do but wait until his next rage-infested performance and call the authorities to remove him from the home.
Help him ease into life back home. Stay close to watch his sleep patterns normalize and observe him. Hire some help to come in and assist if you are unable.
Check his medication list for changes and/or additions during the hospitalization. Read drug interactions and side effects. Closely supervise him for these warnings. He may have been overmedicated.