Let me preface this by saying my FIL has some psychological issues and any hint of trouble, whether it's bills or something else stressful, sends him to the point of making himself sick. Vomiting, diarrea, you name it. He's been this way for years but he normally bounced back within a few days. Well, ever since he fell and hit his head on a window last November (went to the hospital and PT facility for it for nearly a month) and whenever he gets sick now, he becomes so frail and can't even take care of himself, can't wipe himself, etc. Right now, he's upstairs sick in his room (he convinced himself that the Tylenol he took made him sick) and it smells so bad, it's starting to permeate into the hallways and our kids' rooms. My husband is basically his primary caregiver, I help where I can, but it's quite a lot for us to deal with right now. He just lost his job and we are financially strapped so hiring a nurse right now isn't doable. And my FIL's hospital bills are insane, but he thinks going to the ER and getting hooked to an IV and cleaned up by nurses overnight is the only way he'll make it through but because he's been several times in the last year, his insurance won't cover it anymore, so it's just more bills he/we can't pay. We just don't know what to do and I don't want my husband to also suffer with this weight on his shoulders because he's already dealing with having no job and another thing I can't really get into, it's become too much. I just need advice or a place to vent and this was the one place I knew other people could relate.
Also, apparently, a nursing home or assisted facility is absolutely out of the question because my FIL's mom died in one and he, understandably, does not want to suffer that same fate.
We just need help or advice.
Wrong. It is not a question - do you WANT to go? No, of course not.
People go to nursing homes if they have no other options and they NEED one.
Well - as Margaret said - YES people die in nursing homes every day. But they also die in hospitals, and in their own homes. The last place you live when you are elderly is going to be the place you die.
But that doesn't correlate with the nursing home (or hospital or your home) being the cause of your death. It's just where you are when you die.
There comes a point for many of us - where home care is no longer possible. Where you have exhausted your reserves and there is no other option. With FIL - he fell- we took him to the hospital - and we started a vicious cycle of back and forth for like 6 months. It was not the first time. But the difference this time- was that we were a united front - and NO ONE was going to take him home that last time.
We advised the rehab facility that we were no longer going to provide his care at home- and unless he hired and kept 24/7 care - he HAD to go to a nursing home because otherwise he was an Unsafe Discharge and they were liable for letting him go home.
Hospitals and rehabs will tell you that you HAVE to take them home. They will tell you that if you take them home they will provide all kinds of resources. They just want to send them home and will tell you what you need to hear to get you to do it. But once you have -its on YOU.
My FIL LOVED the hospital (at least before COVID). It wasn't difficult to get him to go. But we finally had to realize that WE were the ones that were continuing to enable him to come home. And once we got all parties on board - he didn't really have a choice.
Ask his doctor about compazine for vomiting given his psych issues. Its main function is as an antiemetic, but it is also in the same phenothiazine class as Haldol or Thorazine, and about Imodium as an antidiarrheal. Once he doesn’t get the rush of puking and pooping mud, there won’t be a need for an iv.
If however the docs can’t keep him from making himself sick, then there is no choice but for you to leave. My God, how do you even eat in there knowing that any surface he touches could be contaminated with loose feces and vomit? At least he’s more immune to it being that it’s his own. Well, y’all aren’t him. Plus if he’s gonna keep needing ivs, he’s gonna need to be in snf.
His choices are to accept help from you in finding the best snf or to have the county take guardianship and put him in any snfs they want.
As for your "how do you even eat in there knowing that any surface he touches could be contaminated with loose feces and vomit?" comment, our saving grace is that he is mostly secluded to his room because his fall made it difficult for him to walk without a walker, so he can't really come down to our main living space without someone helping him down (we do get him outside a few times a week for necessity, otherwise he'd stay in there all the time), it's his room that's truly disgusting. It's in close proximity to our kids' rooms, though, so that's our main issue with that at the moment.
I appreciate your advice and will certainly consider all the options.
It sounds as if you need a place to vent, and also a lot of practical advice. Please could you complete your profile to tell us how old FIL is, and the same for you and your DH. Does FIL live with you normally, what has happened to MIL, what is the financial situation etc etc etc.
In the meantime, you have my sympathy for a very unhappy and unpleasant situation. I hope that you will find some help from the many posters on this site who have a lot of experience – but who will need more details if they are to give practical advice that can help you.
My LO just died at advanced age, in her aged care residence aka NUSING HOME. It was;
1. Her own room.
2. The staff knew her.
3. Some family got to visit.
4. Better than the crowded busy hospital
5. The BETTER choice (family opinion)
I am pleased it went that way.
Really, what do these elders want?