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My MIL sounds exactly the same as your mother. A huge help for me is to listen daily to Dr. Les Carter’s YouTube videos. Your mother’s behavior resembles NPD. I hope the videos help you cope with your stress. Good luck. I’m sorry you are in this parent trap.
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Oh, and please read this book, Stop Walking on Eggsgells by Paul T Mason and Randi Kreger.
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Please do not feel guilty. Your dad would never have wanted you to suffer life this. You can put her in assisted living and visit her and love her with boundaries! Take control of the situation. Unfortunately, we cannot allow our moms with this disorder to have control over us or the situation. This will cause chaos in your life and hers. Boundaries are needed here and should be enforced. I feel the same way as you because I have a similar situation. You have to survive!
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Hi vinman31, yeah, her living with you: it's time for that 2 be over.
Sorry to be blunt, but yeah, she's gotta go.
(Just my opinion, if you want to avoid becoming ill urself).
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One word I learned here... Greystone. Look it up. You can run ragged and give up everything but it’s NEVER EVER GOING TO BE ENOUGH. Not today not next year. She doesn’t care how you feel but you need to. You are dying inside so she can maintain a miserable existence. Does that sound sane to you? What are you accomplishing by letting her chew your bones? If she’s miserable and hates her life then she can survive like that elsewhere. Guilt, yes you’ll feel it. Relief, yes you get that too. Stop dying for her, that’s not the promise you made. Making sure she is cared for is the promise you made. So get her out of your home, and cared for by someone else or somewhere else where they are trained to deal with this behavior, you didn’t go to school for this. She’s not going to be happy no matter what, So spare yourself. At least 1 person will be able to smile out of 2 when one person never wants to or cares to smile anyways! Bless you for all your patience and please get the ball rolling... she can be in misery literally anywhere but you can’t be happy with her eating away your soul. You’ll end up resentful and hating yourself for the sacrifice and it’ll never have mattered to her in the beginning or end!
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cherokeegrrl54 Sep 2019
Excellent advice Powerof3! Blessed Be )0(
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I also am a Sopranos fan. Livia was a hateful, detestable character. In the wise words of Carmella at Livia's wake: "This is such a crock of s***. I'm sitting here thinking I should protect my children from the truth about their grandmother and, on the other, what kind of example am I setting, evading and smiling and passing out cheese puffs, over a woman we all know was terribly dysfunctional, who spread no cheer at all".

You choose to revolve your life around work and taking care of your mother. The promise you made to your father about your mother did not include "until death us do part". If you want to change, it's within your control and it's your choice. At 50, you are well into adulthood. Your mother could live to 100. Do you want to live the way you do for another 17 years?

Remember that Tony Soprano is in therapy. Change is hard. There's help out there if you want it.
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MrsGumby1208 Nov 2019
I love this answer. Gold. But so very true.
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I sure hope you can make some space for yourself!

My mom is also 83 and has always complained about EVERYTHING. Now she's got dementia and it's even worse. Also cue not making friends, being miserable to be around, etc..

She's never going to stop complaining, but what kind of helps me is to sort her complaints into 2 categories; A) Is it legit? If yes then I'll emphasize. New health problem that is totally not her fault? Oh that's tough. Construction next door? Definitely annoying.

B) Is for petty complaints. I've freaking had it with this crap. What's helped me is I turned it into a contest where I rank them according to how ridiculous they are. Currently #1 is, " The swimming pool is too far ." ( she walks 10x that distance daily ). Tied for second are, " My ( delicious ) salad is TOO big " or, " My sandwich isn't sliced! "

I don't respond to petty complaints, but during our 'quality' time, since the petty complaints will come anyway, I now take a back seat and wonder in my head if she can top herself and how I'm going to rearrange my All Time Ridiculous Complaint Chart. The prize is a modicum of sanity!

Wishing you and all of us the best of luck!!!
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MountainMoose Sep 2019
That's awesome, Madison!! Way to help yourself stay sane.
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I honestly cannot identify with a promise made many years ago about something you could not have foreseen. Perhaps you WOULD HAVE taken care of THAT woman, the one who was there years ago.
THIS woman, however, will likely be the death of you, if you continue on. Your mother could easily have another 15 years of life. Those years will no be easier. They will be more difficult.
Currently you are suffering from "Fix It". You believe because there isn't chocolate in the house you must fix that. If you want to watch something and she doesn't you must fix that. If she thinks you spend too little time with her you must fix that. Sorry. There is no fix for old age. It is a long slow slide into oblivion, and many seniors, whether demented or not, are angry and depressed about it, feel out of control of their lives. Will control yours if you let them.
If you cannot set clear boundaries both for yourself and for her, then it is time to think about placement for her. I don't really want to hear nonsense about promises, about guilt, about how to change her. None of that makes a difference in real life.
Of course, there is this. CHOCOLATE. I WOULD expect an unending supply of Milk Duds and Hershey Bars. Make no mistake!
Good luck, and keep us updated as you evaluate what might work for you. Sometimes it is boundaries, and limitations. In the case of dementia, all stops are off--that's unlikely to work.
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"I am living with this person because I promised my ailing father in 1994 that I would take care of her. I never knew it would turn into the nightmare it is."

I don't suppose this nightmare is what your ailing father had in mind, either, do you?

Rethink what constitutes "taking care of her." It does not have to mean sacrificing yourself, especially not when no matter how much you sacrifice it isn't going to achieve the impossible and turn her into a contented, thankful, happy person.
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Taking care of here does not mean becoming her servant and whipping boy. You can't take care of her if you are emotionally destroyed by her. Move on. Get her evaluated mentally for moving to assisted living. If she refuses to go, tell here she can find her own place to live. YOU are not a slave to abuse.

Also, as for your promise to dad, I'm going to guess that she's a different person in many ways than she was when she was with him. What would your dad do in this situation? Do you think he would sit there and take the abuse being heaped on him?

You can choose to have both your own life and keep your promise to look after her. It does not have to be an either/or. It just does not have to look like the way you are living it. Figure out a way where you can have both. But you will have to be brave and make some hard choices that she does not like. Just don't fight w her. Fighting w her gives her fuel. Just say this is how it is, and walk away. Let her yell at the walls.
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anonymous828521 Sep 2019
👏 bravo, MiTo1960.
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PLEASE take the time to reevaluate your situation. I know that you promised your dad to take care of mom but that was before she needed hands on care. We are in a similar situation, DH promised his father to also take care of his mom which was mainly financial since 1995. Along with erranss, taking her shopping, doctor visits etc since she never drove. Fast forward to end of 2017. She now lives with us, getting her house ready for sale was on us,2 SIL help stopped at what they wanted from family home, no other help boxing up, cleaning or clearing out. We filled a 20 yard dumpster with unusable items. I am the main caregiver for MIL, SILs bark orders on a consistent basis TELLING me what to do as nd how to do it (they are clueless about diet,meds, her mental wellbeing) when she came here, she was retaining water, both lungs, abdomen, and extremities had fluid build up. She did stay with younger sil for about 3 weeks after 1st heart attack, but MIL was not being fed a low sodium diet at that time, within 3 weeks of living in my home she was clear of extra water retention because of diet and medication being regulated. Since then she has had 2 more heart episodes, and a couple if TIAs. She is living with CHF complicated by afib. She has also begun the journey of vascular dementia. She is demanding, unhappy with anything I do for her, too much food, didn't want this that or the other for lunch but will "force" herself to eat it. This is after I give her choices and she has chosen her meal. It is what it is. So yes I feel your pain and frustrations as the list goes on and takes on a life of its own. You need to do whats best for the two of you. Her whole focus is on HER, you don't count in her world, no one does. AL would be a great choice because they have activities for her if she chooses to participate. There are people there she can interact with, outings, and a social outlet she doesn't have now. Does anyone have poas in place? We told MIL she needed to move in with us because her house could not take care of her anymore. She wasn't happy about leaving her home but when presented with a list of needed repairs and the costs of the repairs she agreed. Don't know if this would be helpful in your mom's case. Was your father a war vet honorably discharged? Check into VA benifts for mom. Prepay funeral expenses, cremation for her one less thing to take care of. You NEED to take care of you, start living, find someone who you can love and whom can love you in return. You've been there for her, now it's time for you to carve a bit of time out for you. At her age she could actually outlive you, stress is a killer and she's sucking the life from you physically, mentally, and emotionally. Again, time for YOU, life's too short.
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You are her slave. Please remove yourself from this situation. YOU COUNT. She's had her time in the sun. This is YOUR time.
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You can never ever do enough for a Narcissist, it will never be enough, and it will always be wrong to keep you like a little mouse on a wheel, until you drop dead from exhaustion. Your efforts will never be appreciated. Your Narc is so self centred, you are nothing more than a "thing" that get's her stuff and does things for her and listens to her toxic ranting. You aren't even a person. You must have been groomed to be her servant and this is why it is so hard to leave. But leave you must. You must place your mother into a residential service so that you can have part of your life returned to you. You are 50 and you don't have much time left. Narcs are very good at living VERY LONG LIVES. She could even outlive you. Here is a very good link that I think will help you. It is a set of videos of an older son who got away from his abusive Narc mother before it was too late. The rule of Narc club is NO CONTACT. Now I know this is hard for you to consider, but you need to move towards a low contact arrangement. Good luck. Let me know how it goes!
https://www.youtube.com/user/NarcissimSurvivor/videos
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NancyInSc Sep 2019
"Narcs are very good at living VERY LONG LIVES. " Amen! Amen! Amen! My father lived until he was 93, and my mother is 94 and going strong. At 68, I will die first.
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Agree with the others. There is literally nothing you can ever do that will make her happy. I know, because my dad was the same way while he was living in my house and I was taking care of him. I would always make myself so stressed and sick trying to do things for him to keep him happy. Like buy him his favorite treats even if money was tight. Be relieved for a couple hours thinking “he’s good now”. But then start stressing that something would come up and he’d be upset again which would usually be within the day. My 4 kids are still at home (ages 9-17), and if I was busy with them he would even say frequently “you had too many kids”. That sort of talk ended when I told him to pick 2 to get rid of, and how sorry I was (sarcasm) that I didn’t remain single and childless in anticipation of the day he needed me to wait on him. He would accuse my oldest of not having learned any responsibility because there were things he wanted him to do for him that I had already laid down as not his job, and my son already had many responsibilities with school, JROTC, the household and his siblings. I got peace after he had more strokes and I moved him to assisted living.

I learned through it all that my dad is a very unhappy person, and no amount of anything in my power would help him with that. I will never get his approval. And the most loving thing I can do is make sure he’s cared for somewhere else. Our parents have lived their lives, we still have lives to live. Go live yours with peace. Much luck to you on this journey!
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Put her in assisted living, independent living, nursing home, I honestly don't care, anything. You can't make her happy. That's her problem, not yours . Put her somewhere and move on with your life . I wish you the best. Please keep us updated .
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You made a promise to your father to take care of her 25 years ago. No where does it say you have to care for her in your home or hers, nor does it say you have to be her servant and wait on her hands and foot.

You will never 'make her happy', she has no interest in being happy, or more to the point, she is only happy when she is miserable and making your miserable.

Get off the merry go round and get your own life. She can move into independent living and complain to her hearts content and you do not have to listen to it.
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