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The fact that you're reaching out for an answer or advice shows the depth of your caring and love for both your Grandfather and Grandmother, and it also says to me that you're already half way there to being the solution to the problem. I will tell you that any time you can give to your Grandfather will be important for both you and him. He will know you're there for him and it will give him strength to carry on. It will also mean a great deal to you to know you're there for him, no matter how hard it is for you to do that. You have the strength to overcome your fears and emotions and give him your time with love, respect and kindness. Maybe you can look at it like a savings account and you're making a deposit towards your own future. Think of it as "who will be there when you are older and need support ?" You have the strength to confront your "guilt" and you can mend your heart by being there for him, whatever it takes. I understand because I'm wiping my own Mom's bum and caring for her pain. It breaks my heart to see her in decline, but she deserves and needs the additional care from a loved one, not just those paid to care for her in Assisted Living. Giving her my time is a gift I can give her at this point in her life, when she was there for so many moments. You can also consider it a gift to your Grandmother that she deserves too ! It will soften her heart and she will respect and recognize in you the man you are now, not just a child. She's been there on her own for so long and she needs your help now, too. Please find the place in yourself to give her what she needs while you are also giving your Grandfather what he needs, the love of his own family. It will make you a much better woman into the future, I promise. I'll keep a prayer in my heart for you.
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Leena13: I am very sorry that your grandfather is in such a health decline. Perhaps it would ease your heartache by helping your grandmother in care for him and thus, show love TO your grandfather in this way.
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I agree with the others here that focusing on helping your grandmother care for your grandfather will be a great way to express your love.

Try not to be too judgmental toward your grandmother because she's probably grieving her husband and it's easier to be angry than sad. Grieving someone while they're still alive is painful.
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I relate to this post so much. Recently lost my grandfather from dementia. This is the first close family member I have lost. It killed me to see him decline so rapidly and I wish I would have spent more time with him. Even if it’s just watching a movie in silence with your grandfather, please do it.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2022
So sorry for the loss of your grandfather.

I am sure he knew how much that you loved him.
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Leena,

You are a very sweet granddaughter!

My grandfather was larger than life to me when I was growing up. I adored him. He died when I was a teenager. I missed him terribly after he was gone.

It sounds like your grandfather is very special to you too.

I am sure that your grandfather knows how very much you love him. Wishing you peace as you go through this difficult time with your grandparents.
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It is called the long goodbye! Bless your heart for reaching out for help! Sending prayers to all your family!
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Sorry for the difficult and sad situation you are in.

First, you do what is best for YOU. It's OK if you really don't want to spend much time with him. It's also OK for you to accept that. he has a lot of issues, is declining, and has limited time left. You are grieving for the grandpa you used to have. He's unfortunately already gone, little by little. It's very sad. But it is also pretty common. I'd say try for very short visits. Tell him you love him. And do not have any regrets over what you did or did not do. Make your choice and stand by it. We can play the coulda/shoulda game but it does not help us any to make ourselves feel guilty. You have a right to have a life and be busy and active. Especially at your young age!

Grandma needs some help! Do your parents help with his care and give grandma a break at all? They're probably really busy people too. At this point, with grandma being resentful and burnt out, she NEEDS a break. If they have ANY money (even if they don't like to spend it) she MUST get some help. She needs to get away from being his caregiver for a number of hours, preferably every day. She needs to breath. She needs to take care of herself. Please talk to your parents about getting her some help. Actually, have your parents read this forum and all the great advice you are getting.

Best of luck!
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It is heart-breaking to see somebody you love decline - rapidly or slowly. Find something that you can still enjoy with your grandfather - music, movies, a hobby... and focus on doing "that" together to create memories for these last times together. Since your grandmother is having a hard time coping, maybe you can give her an hour "off" from caregiving weekly so your times together as grandpa and grandson have less tension.
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You are right, you will regret later not seeing him when he was alive. This is called growing up 101. We do the hard things, we see hard things and we think of others instead of ourselves. Take things to show him and to talk about so you are not sitting and staring at him in his condition. Realize that you are able to bring him joy for an hour of his day. Also think of ways to bless Grandma. Bring her flowers. Send her a card from college. She has a tough job.
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My daughter is 18 and struggling with similar issues, though my Dad is not in the same shape as your grandpa. What I try to do is make it "short and sweet." I even tell her that before we go — "short and sweet". She brings a gift, or has a story about school, or just a smile, and if it's only a little bit of time, that's okay. You don't have to stay there for hours to make a difference. So try coming with a present and a positive attitude and if you can only do 10 minutes, that's more than nothing.
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