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"Anyway if anyone sees a way out here I am all ears".

Glad you are reaching out for help. Even if just to a bunch of randoms over the net.. keep reaching. Area of Aging, Lifeline, your local GP, councelling - keep going until you do find advice that sits well with you.

"Did I screw up by challenging him to make his own choice about dialysis?".

No, I wouldn't say 'screwed up'. You gave the man respect & the freedom to choose. He CAN choose dialysis over fading out.. but what he CAN'T choose is you & Wife to be his Life Solution: his handmaidens, bill payers & home providers.

** He needs to take responsibility for his choice now **

"Am I just stuck for the next 5 or more years?"
No.

The facts as I see them.
1. Dad's relationship broke down. (She really did pull a fast one there..).
2. Dad has health needs preventing him living independently. Cannot self-care or arrange own accom & homecare supports.

If you took your home & your hands-on help out of the equation - what's left?

Skilled Nursing Home or Assisted Living are his real world options. He must do that.
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NiceGuyInLast Jun 2022
Thanks for your reply. Unfortunately due to his finances he could only go to a nursing home, which would be covered by Medicaid. He was in such a facility for rehab after surgery and said that if he ever reaches the point of needing to go back he would just choose to stop dialysis. We can’t afford to put him in a nicer place with his life expectancy so long. Also I think he is capable of caring for himself, he just can’t afford to live on his own. His wife won’t move to somewhere where the services he needs are located, again they say they can’t afford to live anywhere but their house in the middle of nowhere.

I guess that’s what’s so frustrating. It’s not really medical assistance he needs. That’s why he came, but not why he’s staying. He’s broke and his wife makes him miserable. That’s why he’s here. And now he’s holding a gun to his own head and saying that he’ll shoot as the ultimate leverage.
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Does he clean around the stoma?
"Burp" the bag?
Change the bag?
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NiceGuyInLast Jun 2022
He does his own ostomy care, though it took home health to convince him he needed to do it himself. The problem is that he doesn’t see that well so sometimes gets “it” on the floor when doing a change. We have to make sure to find it before our special needs son does. He has stepped in it and spread it around the house as well.
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I would tell him that wifeypoo doesn't get his SS check while you pay for everything for him.

Figure out how much he is costing you monthly and tell him you fully expect him to pay for his room and board and his own supplies.

Why should she get his money when she won't take care of him. Not on my watch. Dad pays for himself, whether they like it or not.

Otherwise, he is taking advantage and that is not okay, not after years of estrangement.

Look up FOG, fear, guilt and obligation, this is what your dad is doing to you.
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Cover999 Jun 2022
🙂
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