This is my first post but I have been a long time lurker and the answers on this forum have really helped me. I am the sole caregiver for my 80 year old mother who has had a host of health problems since 2020. I moved from another state to help her, and in the last year she has had an increase in chronic health issues (diverticulitis, ischemic colitis, kidney disease) Her last bout of ischemic colitis landed her in the ER, then rehab, then BACK to the ER because she picked up an infection in rehab. She is now in the hospital fighting a severe blood infection, and they plan to send her to a rehab again once (if) the infection clears.
I have lived out of state for many years but always came back when my mom needed me and would stay for months at a time. She now lives in an independent living building that she loves, but she has been so sick she's needed my help. I was only planning to stay with her for 6 months or so, but it has turned into two years, and I only make it back to my home every once in a while. I work remotely, so that part is easy, and I don't mind helping my mom for the most part.
However, with her illnesses becoming pretty extreme, I am starting to get very burned out, and I think my mom may have to move into assisted living.
I have a sister who is perfectly capable of helping and she just won't. She says it's because she is in school (two days a week and she can switch to online if necessary), she also blames it on a fight she had with my mom over 10 years ago and says my mom doesn't want her here (which is also just an excuse because they talk on the phone almost every day).
She also told me I should ask my mom to pay me to help her instead of moving her into assisted living. But what she doesn't realize because she is never here, is that my mom is so weak she has trouble walking and she truly may not be able to live on her own (and may need a nurse, which I am not)
Whenever my mom gets sick, which has been a lot lately, my sister will call me and bark orders at me over the phone, telling me to do this, do that, etc. But when I beg her to fly out and help me, she has a million excuses and just won't come. Our dad died many years ago, so it's basically been just me and my mom (and my absent sister).
Today, I finally got mad and basically told her I have been doing everything for my mom for the last two years and she has done nothing. I really am not exaggerating, I do laundry, shopping, back and forth to Dr appointments, take the bus every day back and forth to her rehab and/or the hospital, the list goes on and on. I also have to find time to do my remote job, it's fairly flexible so I am usually up all night finishing my assignments after my mom goes to sleep.
I think I shocked her because I rarely blow up, but I am getting so I can't handle much more. My mom is seriously chronically ill, and I'm burning the candle at both ends. By the end of the conversation, my sister had turned everything around and guilt tripped me for even asking for help. The conversation ended with me basically feeling like I did something wrong, and how dare I get mad or expect her to contribute.
Now I am sitting here letting the guilt wash over me, when I know I am in the right. Has anyone experienced anything similar to this, with an aging parent or family member not helping? Thanks.
So much comes out when the parents age and the adult children need to step up ... and then you see who does ... and doesn't.
I think the key here is for you to value yourself 'more.'
Learn to set boundaries and state them clearly to your sister.
I will do xxx. I will no longer do xxx.
We need to make a plan and discuss our mother's care needs and who is going to do what. I will make a list of all that I have been doing and what needs to be done to discuss with you.
Whatever she says, know that she will do everything she can to make YOU feel bad - and responsible for your mom's care. You need to be clear in yourself (first) - what you will and will not do any longer ...
I also APPLAUD you for speaking up for yourself - I know it isn't your usual M.O.
Know that your sister 'can't' guilt trip you. She will try these schemes / strategies as they have (likely) worked throughout your lifetime --- when she wants to get her way. You allow her to trigger these feelings in you - likely patterns of behavior that have gone on for years, if not decades.
As an alternative, if she won't take any responsibility, discuss caregivers and how she can / needs to contribute financially to your mom's care.
I advise you to get into therapy, even if short term. You need support.
No one can run on empty.
And, you are (wanting to) break a cycle of behavior that is very hard for you to do as it is not how you usually, if ever respond - being direct, honest, pissed, exhausted, and more. Getting all this out is SO SO GOOD for you !
Ask for what you need and see where it goes.
She'll either step up to the plate or she won't.
I hope this makes sense.
Take care of yourself. Get support.
You cannot do it all and keep going.
Gena / Touch Matters
I was in a similar situation but my sibling had POA and was demanding of me & my time while he did nothing. I finally had to walk away and told him to take care of everything.
Some siblings always think their time is more important than yours….don’t let them. Wishing you the best outcome for you & your mom.
I cared for my mom through dementia, and from November 2021 until June 2025 she lived in my home. I did everything I could until I realized she needed more care than I could safely give. Making that decision was heartbreaking, but sometimes assisted living or skilled care isn’t abandonment—it’s love in another form. We are daughters, not nurses, and it’s okay to recognize our limits.
Caregiving is a full-time job plus overtime—doctor visits, meds, laundry, worry, working late at night—and burnout is real. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your mom. It means you’re human.
As for siblings and/or family, you can’t force someone to show up. But you can set boundaries. Protect your peace.
Also, please look into your local Area Agency on Aging. They often offer respite care, caregiver support, transportation, and in-home help so you can get a break. Even a few hours can make a difference.
Please take care of yourself too. You are doing a loving, sacrificial thing, and even when others don’t see it, God does. Sending you strength and prayers as you make decisions for your mom.
I have said to different people different situations 100s of times - if you're not going to help stay out of the way.
She needs you more than you need her. Adios, Girlfriend.
I lived with my mother for 6 years before she left this world with dementia. Before that I took care of my father with diabetes and pancreatic cancer. My only brother who is 10 years older than me and also lived very close, never did anything but come and sit with my mother when it was convenient for him. Never took her for a weekend, never asked how he could help while I was traveling to see my 2 daughters in college, never offered to pick up or bring meals, just sat and watched tv with her and most times fell asleep.
After my mom died, he turned into a horrible person along with his family. They took me to court trying to say that I did not take care of my mother and that I was stealing her money. I never got paid for taking care of my mom and I actually paid all the bills while my husband and I took care of her with full time jobs, kids and my widowed father in law who could not drive due to poor eye sight. My brother and his family are now estranged from my family and we are the better for it. Narcissistic people will suck the life out of you. Make sure you take care of you and Mom. Your sister will show up if there is money left for her and that is all. When the money is to be divided everyone has time on their schedule to come. May God Bless you and Mom. You are a wonderful daughter and Mom is lucky to have you. I pray Mom is in good cognitive health and that you can talk and enjoy each other's company and time together. Those gifts will never be known by your sister.