My mom has Alzheimer's and she is in a nursing home. I get physically ill at the thought of going to see her and I have to force myself to go. Does anyone else have this problem?

PirateGal, it's so nice to hear you talk about plants. Maybe that's therapeutic for you? Hope to chat with you soon. Hang in there, and happy gardening!

It might be your way(daughter too) of not wanting to say good-bye I do understand the hurt but your mom is still inside and you know seeing you still brings comfort.Go and who knows she may even surprise you. God Bless you!

Been slowly taking over my mom's gardening, since her eyes are bad and I don't think she can physcially do it anymore. I love gardening too.

Horticulture...you were off by only one letter.

I took Botany in college and it was my favorite class of all time. I had the most notes I ever took in a class in a lifetime. So glad I learned all of that because you do see plants in a different light when you understand their origins and how they work from the inside out. Mushrooms and Ferns have a very interesting sex life and don't get me started on conifers (pines)..lol....hmmmm felt good to think of nature for a moment. Oh back to mom's yard...been trying to do weeding the weeds are taking over the flower beds and its tough. I have been trying to pop in some glad bulbs from time to time...need to pop them in soon.
Oh and my rainforest plants are starting to send their shoots of flowers out..made a division on saturday came out to be a nice ball and hung it as so.

Amen, Sister! I am heading outside to enjoy a pretty day and to plan my own flowerbeds. Tulips are popping up already and my yellow pansies are blooming! Spring is in the air.

Pam, how are you doing?

Gigglebox, I like the pulling weeds part. LOL And, we are growing, and blossoming, blooming, and not only surviving, but thriving, by the grace of God!

If I say it once, I will say it again, YOU ARE ONLY RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR ACTIONS AND REACTIONS! That includes getting mad and making choices to be or not to be - ha!

Yes, it all began in the garden... and that is where it was all messed up.. but paradise awaits... glad that you found your green thumb, Pam - how cool is that??!

We are all growing.. isn't that what it's all about? Growing, learning, experiencing, and pulling weeds!? Make it a great day! Bloom where you are planted and let love blossom!

Make it a great day!

LOL, naheaton. Too bad he hadn't read that comment first.

I had to wrap my brain around something that I heard last week. That no one can 'MAKE' you mad, they don't have the power to rule your emotions. No, you have to give your permission for them to hit the 'MAD' button. We are the only ones that can control our emotions. I understand what they were saying, but to remember that during a confrontation etc. is another thing. My husband just flunked that test a minute ago, when he CHOSE to let me make him mad. ha!

I understand where you're coming from. Sometimes it's hard for me to visit as often as I used to and my parents are living at home with a caregiver. You give up so much of your life to take care of your ill parents, so your feelings of resentment are justified and understandable and HUMAN. The feelings of anxiety are only natural because it brings back old feelings of stress, anger and sadness. However, I also believe that time is something you can't get back. It's better to schedule some time out of your life and make sure you pay a visit whether it be 5 mins or 50. You don't want ever want to be in that position after they leave the world where you wonder "if only I had more time"....at least you know you did your best and you let them see you because trust me, even if they don't show it (inside they feel it and I don't care if it's Alzheimer's they feel it).

I would suggest though, to wait for a day where you feel up to it and then make the visit.

Real thoughtful suggestion. Why not? Could give jbommarito time to clear her mind, and get some perspective on things. I did that often while in the midst of things.

Pam, hope all is well with you.

jbommarito why don't you make reservations from time to time at Americastay. I think that's the name of it. They have little singles with a kitchen and everything. That way you could have some time for yourself and since your brother lives there too, there's no excuse.

I can completely empathize with not wanting to visit. My mom moved in with me exactly one year ago today (lost her job). A few months later was diagnosed with borderline-severe alz. I work full-time and there are days when I don't want to come home to my own house. Mom is not mean or violent (thank goodness!), but I just never get any time alone at home. My brother also lives here, so I get to go out with friends and have some time alone outside of the house. But what I wouldn't give for a weekend at home - ALONE!

Thanks for sharing that Pamela. Everything started in the garden, so to speak. Hope it was therapeutic and enjoyable for you. Seems you bloom where you are planted!

That's a great story, Pamela6148. Thanks for sharing! And good for you for finding the good things. Enjoy your garden.

This past week my mom and I worked in her garden. Now keep in mind my mom has always had a green thumb. Years ago when she realized she didn't know enough she went to the local High School and took a hordiculture class (excuse my spelling). Since then she's geen grawing everything in her back yard. She has flowers, and veggies.

Now she can't do it anymore and tells me what to do and I do it. She repeats the same thing over and over then gets mad when I can't perform fast enough, meaning put the soil down, bump the plant, bring over the pales. I have to remind her that I only have 2 hands. Then she says I don't know how to do it unless she tells me. Dahhhh well actually since I've started doing this for her I have learned and just when she's telling me, I'm usually doing what I'm supposed to do. I think she just wants to be controlling and demanding and I know she's angry because she can't do it anymore.

Thursday was my Birthday. We had worked in the yard and I took a cake over there and some cider. Guess where we sat and celebrated my Birthday...yep right outside at the table, under the umbrella and had a pretty nice time. Just her, me, and the guy that also helps her by pulling up the weeds. The three of us had a pretty nice time. I also noticed that while the guy and I were talking my mom kept interrupting. She couldn't hear, and bless her heart I think her eye sight is getting worse. But here's the kicker. Friday I went to the Nursery and got some nice impatients for myself, along with potting soil, snailall, and some other miracle grow products and am starting my very own garden.

I never thought I'd be doing this which reminds me we know where we've been but we know not where we're going.

Yep I dread going there because I know when I leave I'm gonna be stressed and depressed but as time goes on I just go and look at me now, heck I an actual gardener!

Just thought I'd tell you all that little story, no moral it seems I'm just growing.

Dedestock, my daughter and I are the ones you see shopping, having lunch, and truly having a wonderful time together. We love and respect each other, we know how fortunate we are to have such a good relationship, it's precious to us, we work on it. I never had that with my mom, she didn't think I was worth anything, I was too dumb,I was too fat, I couldn't do anything right and so on.
I promised God I'd never treat my son and daughter like I'd been treated.

Exactly Sandy!!!
Always on pins and needles and anxious "Is it going to go okay today or are we going to have another shouting match" How "bad" and "mean" am I going to be today? Will she threaten to call the police today? Will she tell me she hates me and my family today?
Then, if she is having a good day (meaning I do exactly what she wants), then I can breathe a sigh of relief and go home happy!!
I always feel so envious when I see moms and daughters out shopping or having lunch and they appear to be having such a good time. I wouldn't mind in the least, taking care and seeing mom, if I could be one of those people!

Dedestock is so right. Usually you can look back over the years and see that they were actually this way then, just not as bad or it wasn't as obvious. And 'now', when you go visit, you feel like you're opening the door and going in for another 'round with them'. Sometimes the visit is ok but you're still on pens and needles because you're never sure.

Dana19 - I really have to concur with Sandy. When your parent is verbally and physically abusive it makes you sick inside everytime you need to be with them or even talk to them on the phone. I have met my mothers every need now for over 10 years. She was abusive to my father when he was dying and is abusive to me and my family now. She can be pleasant when she wants, but if someone dare disagree with her hateful attitude or, even worse, say no to her. She turns in an instant. She tells us how much she hates us, she lashes out at everyone where she lives, she tells me she wishes I had never been born... the horror stories go on and on. Do you really think that you would enjoy or find any happiness in visiting someone who makes you physically and emotionally sick?

AlwaysMyDuty, getting sued? How awful for you? Let me guess, it's not your fault... O, how I hate mean. What part of that is not mental illness? Or should we just say, sin? Gigglebox, you are funny. Thanks for all your prayers. You know we all need them. Caregivers are amazing creatures, and you all deserve congratulations.

"Does it seem to anyone else that people who are bossy control freaks with a temper or mean streak in their younger days are more likely to get dementia in their old age?"

Oh yeah! Oh yeah! What I was thinking - been thinking exactly - you cannot change a leopards' spots!

I am praying for all of you! When prayers go up, blessings come down... and God has a will of working things out... sometimes He answers prayers in ways we never thought of - He can even be funnys sometimes the way He surprises us with answers... right Secret Sister?

We can theorize, imagine, plot and plan... but it is all in God's hands, is it not?

Physical distance helps the bitterness become a little sweeter -- and then you have to go visit them again! Been there and done that!

Ya'll go out there and make it a great day! Do something nice for yourself! You sooooooooo deserve it!!

Greencandy
Re: your thoughts,which are not rude on control freaks leaning towards Alz, I have to say in my family it is the opposite. My father was the sweetest man I've ever known, yet he, one sister, two brothers, mother and grandmother all got Alz. Now my 20 cousins and I are waiting to see if any of us are "next" as we are approaching that age. On the other hand, my mom is the meanest person I've ever known (she currently is suing me among other things) and she has no mental diseases, none of her family ever had it.
Just sharing my experiences. Whatever the cause, Alz/dementia and mental disorders are the abosulte worst diseases. It still haunts me to have watched my dad suffer. My utmost respect goes to all caregivers who have to deal with this, you are angels.

greencandy, what thoughtful words. You are very compassionate, and have said a lot, which applies to many of us. I wonder about many things concerning connections and coincidences, too, but I find it futile to try to figure out the workings of sick minds. It only causes strain to mine. It seems almost as futile for me as trying to imagine what heaven will be like, so I rest in the thought of learning more when I get there. Beyond that, it's all a guess for me, besides what I read. As for mental health issues and dementia, (Alz., etc.), I think its big industry and an art. Mostly it seems the art of taking $$ advantage of people who don't know what to do, or how to handle it. I think the legal system (yes, attorneys) do that too. Meanwhile, who is helping the caregiver? Who gives us support? Only another caregiver, support groups, and sites like this, it seems. The rest are making money off ours, and our loved one's misery. Advertising for products is also big business. Some work, some don't. The bottom line reality is that dement, no matter what causes it, stinks, and takes its toll on everyone. I just try to be a comfort to another sufferer whenever that is possible. I hurt inside for all the caregivers here, who do their very best to try to help another. What a hard and fruitless task, at times. Yet, still we try. Every one here can agree how difficult a journey this is... I salute, you, too. God bless us all.

SecretSister, you are so right about physical distance sometimes being crucial for getting the emotional distance needed to heal and get healthy again. At some point it doesn't matter anymore if they can help it or not. If someone is relentlessly destroying you and there is no way to change that, you have to do something or be destroyed. Distance can make it possible to still have some sort of a relationship while regaining control over your own life.

For the problem of the incessant phone calls. Would it be comforting to her for you to put a message on your answering machine telling her you love her and will visit her soon? In case she is just craving contact and emotional reassurance. If she is forgetting everything a few hours later she could derive enjoyment from the same message over and over again. And who cares what the telemarketers think.

On another note, this is a rude idea and I'm sorry but I have wondered this so many times. Does it seem to anyone else that people who are bossy control freaks with a temper or mean streak in their younger days are more likely to get dementia in their old age? I suspect this from seeing the coincidence in my own large extended family, supplemented by the anecdotes of friends and acquaintances who have had crabby family members who ended up with dementia or Alzheimer's. I have also known elderly people with sweet and gentle natures who were senile, and mean old farts who were sharp as tacks. But I still wonder if there is any connection between dementia and naturally mean personalities.

I have read through all of the posts here, as I am catching up with what's going on in agingcare. I've been hostage to some horrendous demands from caregiving, so want to get back in to being on this site. I counted 15 caregivers here, so far, and can relate with most of you, save one.

Mia, I can perfectly understand the panic attacks, as I was beginning to experience them. I didn't really recognize them at first, but upon reflection, if I stayed on that path, no doubt they would have gotten worse. Stress, anxiety, and anticipation of the next reaction...are so familiar to me. And it is AWFUL. I did not take anything for anxiety, as I don't drink, knowing that alcohol can make it worse. And I did not want to pop a pill, because It for me would be just a bandaid, with the underlying problem still there. So I took it all as it came, but didn't do real well. I have been relieved of that for now, which is another story.

My heart breaks for all of you, as I have experienced most of what you all write about. A bitter spirit is the worst, as it poisons you and dries the bones. We must strive to get past that. Often we don't see it ourselves (but feel it), though others always do, and it affects them. Bitterness is nasty stuff, and it kills our spirit, and makes us physically ill. I fight it even still. The key is forgiveness and prayer. It's not like I am any better than anyone, but actually weak, and pray for help for ME! Sometimes desperately, and often in the middle of the night when I can't sleep. So, Pamela, I agree with you about prayer. I believe it is vital to our survival, and am thankful for it. Some days, though, I just ask for prayer. I feel even too weak to pray for myself. And I thank God for those who have prayed for me. This site has helped me tremendously. First, to know I'm not alone, and that the problem is not all me. Here, I get perspective and support.

Pamela, I also agree that we should go to the nursing home. If it is too painful to spend time with a mom or dad, make your relationship with the nursing staff. They can be so compassionate, and completely understand. I have had such comfort from them. Let them do the dirty work, as they are whom you have entrusted your loved ones to. They get to go home at night and unwind. And we can too. I'm not saying go every day, but we do need to make sure their needs are being met adequately. We need to be an advocate. We don't have to be our parent's friend. Just look at their vulnerabilities, and run if they are mean. At least, that's what I do. Some times our visits are very short, depending on how they (2 dads) are doing that day. But sometimes we take a walk or play a game. But they usually aren't mean. Mom's a different story, though. I don't any longer answer her calls. She has another caring for her. It is not my job any more. I don't feel guilty, in the least. I did my part very well and lovingly. It was hard. She was really mean and refused needed meds. And no matter what I did was never good enough; Like dwestlake said, she was a pain.

maggiesue, I agree with Pam again about her comment. I hope you get some closure, and don't feel like a jerk. I would guess you're not, as well. Lach, I understand about feeling you have "no life." I truly gave up much, and felt it too. NOT a good feeling. It didn't feel natural or healthy either, and the only thing I can say that has helped, is: DISTANCE. I'd like to say I had emotional distance, but the only way to get that is through physical distance. The only way to get that is to have someone else care for our folks.

Sandy talked about getting sicker than her mom. I was getting sicker emotionally the more time I spent with mine. I could actually feel it. Elizza talked about the depression she feels. That's what it does to us, which leads to the feelings of hate. dedestock, I understand about the abuse, and expectation to be at their beck and call. Evil is a good word for what it feels like, as I have thought that often. My mom literally burned up her dance card with me. I kept praying for a miracle, and it seems we got our answer prayer: Mom requested a new guardian, and God answered by casting out the scorner. I am left to clean up the debris. (Paperwork.) Today I got an email from my sister saying mom has shingles. How very sad for her, after just finishing Breast Cancer treatment, and also on oxygen for COPD. She's also got serious Personality Disorders. I understand what seashoregal said about wishing, but not being able to make mom happy. All the prayer and wishing did not change that. In fact, mom's guardian said he figured out mom really does have a personality disorder. I asked her, "You didn't believe me?" She replied, "Well...one has to spend time with her..." No thank you. I did 53 years. I did my part! I'm not being mean, but it was extremely unhealthy for me. The ONLY thing that helps is distance. Mom's one sick cookie. Dad escaped through Alzheimer's.

Gigglebox, you're a gem! So neat of you tor pray for the ladies. naheaton, it was neat to hear the story about singing hymns. Anne123, your salute was great. Hope you are saluting yourself, too. rosenutt, and all: you ladies are a hero in my book. God bless you all. Please be careful to guard your heart, for out of it are the issues of life. Bitterness is like drinking poison hoping someone else will die. It only eats us up inside. Sin and sickness is not God's fault, but if we go to him, he often answers prayer in unexpected ways. I got my miracle answered prayer, and not how I imagined it. Still waiting to see how God will work out the rest of it. I'm praying for/with you all as well.

PirateGal
Assisted living. The fact that someone is with her 24-7 seems to help her. She didn't like being alone during the day while we worked. She has good days and bad but we can see she is going downhill. When she was with us and even now she keeps saying she has given up and wants to die. She says she can't see why the Lord won't just take her because she is ready and she is not happy here. She said she is just waiting to die. We have got so use to her saying that but the sad fact is, that is really what she wants.

Sandy what did you end up doing?

Dana19,
Although this is great advice when the parent is easy to take care of, it was hard when my Mom was hitting me and my husband and using terrible language to us all the time. She was mean to others in the family as well. We took care of her, and I got tired of her being so abusive to my husband, physically and verbally. It was embarassing as well. The stress of it all put me on BP & anxiety meds. Not knowing when she was going to lite into one of us kept us very anxious.

I care for my mother-in-law, whom I love as my own. I find it hard that anyone would not want to visit a loved one...no matter what their condition. I have seen the horrors of dementia and Alz. and how family get upset and hurt by the behavior, but, they are still your family/parents. They raised you and cared for you and probably wanted to run and hide on numerous occasions when you were growing up. They stuck in there. Wether or not they were the best mom/parents is up to you to decide in your heart. So unless you moved out of the house when you were 9, I would suck it up, take a deep breath, think of a great memory of them and make those visits. Because when they are gone, you are going to wish you had.