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Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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The human body was made with a flight/or fight mechanism when faced with danger.
You do not want to medicate yourself or dumb down a natural bodily response, but instead, listen to the danger signals, and remove yourself from the situation.
Karen70, I just called my doctors office about anxiety meds. I just got off the phone with the nurse. She said the doctor said that’s not a quick fix. He recommended therapy and antidepressants. He won’t just give me anxiety meds over the phone and he doesn’t recommend them because they are for the short term. Such as anxiety meds people take before surgery or before having a tooth pulled.
When DH was first diagnosed with dementia, I had no problem getting anti-anxiety meds. I didn't even take one a day, but it was nice to have them when I needed them--and some days I really needed them. Later, months would go by when I didn't take them at all, but it helped to know they were available. Years later, when I needed them again, my doctor at the time did not want to prescribe them. He was the only doctor who ever gave me a problem with them. When I thought about it later, I wondered--my goodness, if they won't prescribe these for caregivers, with all they go through every single day, who are they SAVING them for? (And no, they are not just for times like before a dental appointment. The very idea.)
Karen, I looked up your posting history. Your mother has been living with you since at least Jan 2011, when you wrote that you were "so depressed" about the situation. And here we are, 9-1/2 years later. Since your mother was 67 then, she must be 76 now?
HIgh bp is very concerning (I have hypertension and take meds to control it). It can cause much damage if uncontrolled. Have you had therapy during the years of being your mother's caregiver? Taken any meds for depression? (If not, why not?)
I don't think therapy and meds to be the be-all and end-all in all situations, though. On this board we read of therapist advice which never seems to be able to do what to-the-point posters can do here. As others have posted, it is the situation that is toxic to you. And no amount of meds is going to change that.
So tell us more...how long has your mother lived with you? How did she come to live with you? (Or is it you who lives with her?) Are there siblings? What is your mother's financial situation? She obviously needs fulltime supervision. Why not a facility? Haven't you done enough?
Sure, anxiety meds could help short-term, but from what you've written you need a LOT more than that -- you need to reclaim your life!
Yes anxiety meds could help you. A few years back I went through a bad state of anxiety and depression after my mother put on 20 pounds from a return month visit with my cousin who is also overweight. She had lost weight after a lengthy hospital stay and was pleased. I had worked so hard to get her placed in a AL facility and supplied all her needs for it. In retrospect I think I was mourning years of frustration of dealing with self destructive behavior I had experienced with her since childhood. My family urged me to detach. I have now. I never inquire about her weight anymore. When she calls me usually during the one hour I can't be reached while taking an exercise class and I then try to call her back but can't reach her because she has not put her phone back on the charger I just let it go. I have been over this issue with her ad nauseum. As we await the birth of our fourth grandchild I repeatedly have to tell her that it hasn't happened yet but I will let her know when it does. I know there most likely will come a time when all this worsens but I am not going to spend my present time worrying about all that is wrong and allow it to drive me to exasperation.
I have been my mothers “trigger” lately so if she won’t take anxiety medicine than I will. Wednesday night my mother called me all stressed out about medication I ordered for her. I thought she wanted it ASAP from the pharmacy and she actually wanted it delivered snail mail.
Anyway, she yelled at me and I yelled back. It only lasted a minute and I said ok, snail mail it is. You took care of it already. She hung up on me. That was 4:00pm.
She called back at 5pm in a picnic. I can’t breath she said and it’s YOURS FAULT!!! I said what did I do? She said you yelled at me an I am DYING!!! I said breathe. You are having a panic attack. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth slowly. I called 911. By the time they got to her house they got on the phone and told me she was fine. She not going to the hospital. Yeah, not my fault I keep telling myself. But it wouldn’t hurt to have some anxiety meds for ME for NEXT time. *PANIC not picnic.*
Karen, What's your current contact level with Mother?
6 phone calls a week + window visit sounds good to me like Lealonnie! Once restrictions end, once a week for a cuppa?
Or do you live with Mother? 24 loooong hours a day?
Also, what's the expected timeframe? Sheltering in place together until other arrangements become availble? Or the start of a caregiving journey lasting 2 decades to the horizon?
Sorry to pepper you with questions 🤗 the space is here if you feel more venting would help.
If your mother won’t take the anxiety medicine, get the doctor to give you some instead. Medication is a life saver to many people. It’s not always an addiction.
Well, sure, medication like Xanax or Valium helps with anxiety, temporarily. For me, limiting my exposure to my toxic mother is what helps me the most. She lives in Memory Care and still drives me crazy, so I limit my phone calls to 6 per week, DH makes the other one, and one 25 minute window visit every Sunday. I take care of all of her finances, necessities (purchases) and everything else required to ensure the smooth operation of her life, but my exposure to her must be limited or MY health will suffer.
You have to figure out what you can do to limit YOUR exposure to the toxicity in your life. You may want to write out a real question instead of a 'header' and explain what's going on in your life that you need advice about. Many of us here are in the same boat and happy to help.
I take a 1/2 Ativan once in awhile when I need it, it really helps me and my Dr suggested it when she found out my parents were moving in. I am not addicted,, only take it when I need it. It must depend on the person, Alvadeer.
I think I was short with my answer because the question was so short, Pam. I am known as the 10 valium a year girl by my doctor, who swears she wouldn't give a senior like me valiums. But in a really bad time on a really bad day, that 1/2 of a 5 mg valium kept me unstuck from the ceiling with anxiety. I am sorry to be so short today. I think on the forum these days we are seeing so many "questions" that really aren't questions. They are statements without any explanation in the topic line only. I know there are DAY when it is so hard, and we need help. But the above looks more like help for a day. Or two days. Or three. It looks like mental and physical breakdown, and no explanation of why. So I made a short answer. I should apologize. OK. I DO apologize!!!!!!
Um... no. One can get medical relief from anxiety while trying to discover what triggers it. In my case, anxiety and depression run in my family. My grandmother spent her life afraid, nervous and worried. She refused any medical help, crying how they’d make her addicted and ‘crazy’. She suffered for 80+ years when it didn’t have to be that way.
Meds are not the enemy. They’ve saved lives, mine included.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
You do not want to medicate yourself or dumb down a natural bodily response, but instead, listen to the danger signals, and remove yourself from the situation.
You choose.
Get more ill, or leave.
There is no guilt for needing to take medications.
HIgh bp is very concerning (I have hypertension and take meds to control it). It can cause much damage if uncontrolled. Have you had therapy during the years of being your mother's caregiver? Taken any meds for depression? (If not, why not?)
I don't think therapy and meds to be the be-all and end-all in all situations, though. On this board we read of therapist advice which never seems to be able to do what to-the-point posters can do here. As others have posted, it is the situation that is toxic to you. And no amount of meds is going to change that.
So tell us more...how long has your mother lived with you? How did she come to live with you? (Or is it you who lives with her?) Are there siblings? What is your mother's financial situation? She obviously needs fulltime supervision. Why not a facility? Haven't you done enough?
Sure, anxiety meds could help short-term, but from what you've written you need a LOT more than that -- you need to reclaim your life!
Anyway, she yelled at me and I yelled back. It only lasted a minute and I said ok, snail mail it is. You took care of it already. She hung up on me. That was 4:00pm.
She called back at 5pm in a picnic. I can’t breath she said and it’s YOURS FAULT!!! I said what did I do? She said you yelled at me an I am DYING!!! I said breathe. You are having a panic attack. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth slowly. I called 911. By the time they got to her house they got on the phone and told me she was fine. She not going to the hospital. Yeah, not my fault I keep telling myself. But it wouldn’t hurt to have some anxiety meds for ME for NEXT time. *PANIC not picnic.*
Much more relaxing.
6 phone calls a week + window visit sounds good to me like Lealonnie! Once restrictions end, once a week for a cuppa?
Or do you live with Mother? 24 loooong hours a day?
Also, what's the expected timeframe? Sheltering in place together until other arrangements become availble? Or the start of a caregiving journey lasting 2 decades to the horizon?
Sorry to pepper you with questions 🤗 the space is here if you feel more venting would help.
You have to figure out what you can do to limit YOUR exposure to the toxicity in your life. You may want to write out a real question instead of a 'header' and explain what's going on in your life that you need advice about. Many of us here are in the same boat and happy to help.
If you are not prepared to change you environment, then medication will be of limited use. And that is when addiction can come into play.
Meds are not the enemy. They’ve saved lives, mine included.