My grandparents will not accept help and there are too many cooks in the kitchen. Should everyone back off?

frustrated2, what is it with elderly men and ladders.... any time I drive past my parents home on the way to work, I cringe if I see Dad [92] has a ladder propped up against the house. My gosh, Dad, you have money hire someone to do that work, but he won't. Like you said, it has to do with pride. I turn a blind eye, but my nerves are shot every time the phone rings thinking it will be Mom saying Dad has fallen.

Should everyone back off? Yes. blou

Dear KAT, I have been in your shoes and I backed off. I only visited to spend quality time with them (although I checked the bathrooms, medications and fridge and sneak cleaned without them seeing). I would bring a box of danish and listen to stories, and I worried terribly but never judged them. The house was dirty, my parents barely walked but they had a pantry full of food (I did help my mother bathe as my father was too feeble to do it.) But I told them this---I will call you every day and you must answer the phone and chat with me. I will call several times a day if you dont answer, so please make sure to pick up the phone if you hear its me (they screened calls of course.) I could not make them use a life alert and my father tried to cover up that he was in great pain. So every day I would call. Yes, it can interfere with your own plans but everyone has a few minutes to call and check on someone every day. My mother would even fall asleep muttering about what she saw on tv or ate for lunch while I was on the line! But one day they didnt answer, and the next day they didnt answer and I called the local police who got in the house and found they had both fallen. So they went to the hospital and nursing home, never to return to the house they loved. But they were together, and there was no destruction of the family---we all came together after the fall to tend to them. We all loved them and there was anger from some family members that we didnt make them leave the house and force them to go into assisted living. I did try reporting their living conditions (Aging Agency can do nothing unless evidence of a parent is abused and Police can do nothing either.) So, sad as it may be, let your loved one live as they wish to live and just make sure that you can be the life alert that they need. Go see them and tell them you love them. Meals on Wheels if they cant cook anymore is a great way to know they are getting food and someone sees them Monday thru Friday, if you cant. They may like that. Check and see if they would like a ride with you to a nearby Senior center for a program or perhaps see a show at a nearby venue. Volunteer to go with them to doctors appointment. Bring them favorite foods or just chicken salad from the grocer to put on crackers and share with them. Make your time with them meaningful to them. You can force them legally (which costs $$$$) and they will be angry and not talk to you or you can let them live until something happens, and you will be part of the support team afterwards. And your family will always be divided on what to do so dont think you can please everyone. You would be better off having a family meeting with everyone but your grandparents and try to agree on options that best assists the grandparents without usurping their freedom to chose. Then move forward to have a friendly, no pressure, talk with them about how they are loved and family is worried about them. No drama, just lots of hugs (Biggest important detail is POA and Medical POA but that will be another time!)

My regrets are that I kept trying to force my father to do what his poor body couldnt do and that I didnt share what was happening to him. It was his life and he was scared and in pain. He needed compassion, empathy and the dignity to chose what he wanted for himself and for my mother. That was the greatest kindness I could have given him. May you find a decision that puts you at peace.

back off....be there but let them choose what they wish....as long as no harm...

Well, you can't control that others do, but you can sure control what YOU do, Kat. And YOU can become their granddaughter again, calling and visiting without offering suggestions and pointing out how much help they need. Their respite within the storm of well-meaning concern from the rest of the family. They're probably on "should overload." You should do this...you should do that. We're all on the same journey, and we all take different paths. As their granddaughter, you can respect the tickets they bought and be a loving granddaughter. If you DO this, you may find you have more influence in their lives than all the rest of your well-meaning family put together.

Back off! If they need your or anyone else's help, they will let you know.

As we become older, we cherish our independence more and more, and we also experience some sense of pride that does not allow us to accept help when proffered.

It's a human thing, but is is there. Stand ready to help but don't push in when you've been given the message by the principals.

The entire extended family? Not only back off & allow your Gparents a little dignity, but narrow down those involved to immediate family. All wonderful answers here. When a multitude are not coming at them from all directions they may be more responsive to a few "favorites" as stated. Approach with calm and peace not orders and demands.