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Enjoy the day with your family! My mother went into a nursing home in March. She has severe dementia. She will not realize it's a holiday. For the first time in 59 years I will not be held hostage "being there" for my mother. Last Christmas, I was alone with her, during a blizzard, both of us with Covid. I swore I would never again spend a miserable holiday like that. My brother's family was scheduled to come, but it's a very long drive and the weather prevented it.

This year my husband and I are invited to a local Friendsgiving. Christmas will be spent one state over, with family I've wanted to spend Christmas with for decades, but never could. Mom's birthday is four days after Christmas, and by then I'll be at my brother's as my niece and her fiancé are moving to Colorado January 2. I'll see her before and after the holidays. Can't wait to not have to cater to anyone! The one rule I've made clear with my family is NO GIFTS. We will eat, drink, be merry and enjoy each other's company. We are all fortunate to have the means to buy anything we want or need. Takes a huge amount of stress out of the holiday to not have to shop for anything but food with a stop at the liquor store.
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Why should old people ruin the holiday(s) for everyone else? We've had our holidays--MANY of them. The plan is for my spouse and I to spend T'giving, Xmas and New Year's at home. Our adult children will call/come by--or not--as they choose. They have busy, full lives, as we did at their age. They aren't obligated to cater to us.

Our youngest son and his fiancée are cooking T'giving dinner and generously offered to share it with us in a way that works for all of us. We're most appreciative. They live about 15 minutes away so will drop off the food, visit briefly, then return home to celebrate with their family/guests. That's as it should be. Why would we want to cast a potential pall over the holiday with transport/mobility and possibly other age-related issues?
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waytomisery Nov 18, 2023
@ ElizabethAR37, I hope I do not lose insight and remember to be as thoughtful as you are when mobility and/or self toileting becomes an issue . I too plan on being content with visitors coming when they can , or a Facetime call . If they are busy on the holiday, I’m fine with visiting or a phone call another day . So much expectation and stress are put on holidays , I certainly do not want my children resenting me .

My elderly MIL who DOES NOT live local uses a cane and falls ALOT . She should use a walker but refuses . She is expecting my husband to pick her up ( 4 hour drive minimum ) ahead of my daughters wedding and drive her back afterwards . She would have to be picked up at a minimum two days before so we could attend rehearsal dinner etc . We are very concerned about dealing with a potential bad fall , she refuses to use a walker or be pushed in a transport chair . I feel she’s not being fair by not using a walker or the wheelchair as asked for the event . After all , isn’t those that need help supposed to compromise ?? We would like to enjoy our daughters wedding !!!

But of course my MIL makes it about her “ only chance to see a granddaughter get married “. She also refuses to fly saying it’s too difficult to navigate the airport and plan for all that entails with luggage etc . She refuses to hire car service to get to the airport either . It’s easier FOR HER to be picked up by my husband and driven back home . And she thinks she’s entitled to this door to door service from her son ( my husband ) . She believes we are obligated to go through hoops to get her to the wedding . For us it will be a string of very stressful days . I can’t believe her selfishness . She doesn’t care how much work it will be for us to be babysitting her , we will have to also make sure she is fed all those days . She thinks we have to do things her way .

I already know if my children have children , I will be very elderly by the time any grandchildren got married and I would decline an invitation and be content to see photographs .
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WaytoMisery: Oh my, such a potentially difficult wedding scenario. We may be facing a somewhat similar situation in that our youngest son and his fiancée plan to get married this spring in their home. Fortunately, it's about a 15-minute drive from us. We know they want us to be there. We definitely want to be IF we can do so without making it "about us" due to mobility/age-related issues.

I totally understand your MIL's reluctance to attempt navigating a busy, crowded airport on her own--but the consequence of that is, as has been suggested, stay put at home and enjoy the wedding photographs after the fact. IMO, we old people must try to adapt. It is what it is.
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waytomisery Nov 18, 2023
Elizabeth ,

Your situation is very different. You will be only 15 minutes away from your own home . That is a lot different than the long car travels ( 8 hour round trip twice to pick up and bring her back, that’s 2 days just driving ) and multiple days of hosting this woman . And I’m assuming you will be as cooperative as you can be. My MIL in contrast is uncooperative all the time . I’m sure your son wants his parents there . I hope you are able to go and enjoy it .
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WaytoM: I hope we can attend, too. We're planning on it. Our situation geographically is different in that we live close to our son which eliminates potential airport hassles vs. a long drive. Also, we would definitely wish to be cooperative, but even so, if we can't "blend in", more or less, then it could involve extra accommodation for our limitations. That isn't what we want for them on their special day or for us.
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waytomisery Nov 18, 2023
Elizabeth ,

Needing extra accommodations are not the problem . Refusing to accept needed extra accommodations like my in laws do is the problem . Refusing to use a walker or wheelchair as needed or hiring an aide to come along if needed is the problem. My in laws pretend they don’t need help . Like I said you are a cooperative person . People like you are the ones that get invited and included to family events .
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